In the hospital

Following up on my post about induction, here's what happened to us after Michaela was born.

We spent several hours in our Labor & Delivery room, then were transported to a recovery room. Fortunately, we ended up with a room to ourselves. That had been one of my biggest worries about the process; I didn't want to have to share a tiny (tiny!) room with Mike, Michaela, another woman, her baby, and her partner. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to share, considering the constant flow of people in and out of our room. Nurses checking my vitals and my blood pressure (since I was on some heavy duty drugs), nurses checking the baby. Doctors checking me, doctors checking the baby. People to collect linens, people to drop off and pick up food trays. Multiply all of that by two and I would have died.

Anyway, so we were in the room, recovering. They'd run some tests on Michaela and eventually it came out that she was jaundiced, which is too high a level of a substance called bilirubin. Jaundice is common in kids, especially preemies, whose livers haven't developed sufficiently by the time they come out. After one night in our room with us, Michaela had to go to the nursery to be under "bili lights," which are lights that break down the bilirubin. The most important thing, the doctors and nurses said, is for the baby to be under the lights and to eat as much as possible, because the bilirubin binds to the protein and is passed in feces. Unfortunately, Michaela and I were having (and continue to have) trouble with breastfeeding. I was so upset and so stressed out, between those two things. I cried and cried and cried.

In the scheme of things, being jaundiced isn't a big deal. And considering all the problems preemies can have, it's really wonderful that was all she was dealing with. Further, we were in a hospital, surrounded by wonderful, caring nurses who really went out of their way to be good to me and to Michaela. Better that than to be at home and have something go wrote, or to have an uncaring staff.

The doctors were ready to release me after a couple of days, but Michaela needed to be under the lights for at least 24, more like 30 hours. Sunday night at about 11 p.m. she went under the bili lights (I think; it's all a blur). Monday night at 11 p.m. was 24 hours, but they left her under until about 6 a.m. on Tuesday. They took her blood every six hours to run tests; that was really hard to watch because she screamed when they pricked her and squeezed her little foot to get the blood out.

My doctors kept me admitted so I could tend to Michaela and every two-to-three hours, Mike and/or I would go down to the nursery to feed her, or bring her to the room to feed her. We'd gotten to a point where I was so stressed about he difficulty feeding that I decided to give her formula from a bottle in addition to breastfeeding, and that was a huge load off.

Tuesday morning, Michaela's bilirubin level was down enough that we could take her off the bili lights, with the knowledge that we'd have to go back to the doctor in a day and a half to have her tested again. We got to spend some time with her on Tuesday, which was the nicest thing in the world after her being so far away from us for so long. Mike went home and cleaned up a bit, brought me a change of clothes. Michaela and I took a nap together and hung out. The lactation consultant came by again and offered some more tips. It was a good day. That night, at about 9 p.m., we were released and got to bring our baby home. FINALLY!

Maternity Leave

My leave is all messed up, which I've alluded to in a previous post. I was hoping it would get straightened out, and I suppose that it now has mostly been, I just don't like the way it was resolved.

The bad thing about starting a new job when you're 8 months pregnant is that you don't have any FMLA protections. The bad thing about working for a relatively small organization is that no one knows the answers to anything. We outsource our HR, so not only do I have to deal with someone on the internal company policies, but I also have to deal with someone from the HR company.

I get a 30 day maternity leave through my employer, 100% paid. It turns out it's 20 work days. That's fine, and actually pretty generous (especially considering I have only worked there for less than a month). The company starts that the day I went off work, which in my case was two days before I actually had the baby. I was disabled because of the drugs I was on, and my doctor will write me a note saying so in order to apply for Pregnancy Disability Leave, but that's a separate process run through the state-- not my employer and not the outside HR company. So that's another person/entity I have to deal with. What my company is telling me is that I need to exhaust my maternity leave first and then apply for that disability leave, which seems weird, but okay.

Unless I want to take time unpaid, I will only end up taking off 20 days of maternity leave. Except it's really less than that because I was out and in the hospital for a number of days, and have spent about a week since trying to get this all nailed down. A week of not working, that is. So at this point, I have about 11 work days off left before I have to go back to being a full-time employee.

Why not take unpaid leave time? Because of the other wrench in the works-- health insurance. When I left my last job, I had health insurance coverage through the end of November, but had to elect Cobra for December. My benefits with the new job were scheduled to kick in January 1, 2010. Except since I've been on maternity leave with no FMLA protection, I'm not considered an active employee and I will still need to work a consecutive 30 days (and then wait until the 1st of the month after those 30 days) before my benefits kick in. So not only do I have an $800 Cobra bill for me and the baby for December, but I will have to pay $850 (benefit costs go up with the new year) each month for the two of us to have coverage until my benefits kick in. At this point, because of the timing, if I finish out my 11 remaining days of maternity leave, that puts me into January, which means I need to work all of January plus however many days of February to get to 30 consecutive days, and then my benefits will kick in March 1. So $800 for December + $850 for January + $850 for March, just for me and Michaela to have coverage. Mike, meanwhile, has no health insurance because he quit his job, didn't elect Cobra, and won't have insurance until mine kicks in and he's on mine.

We have the money in savings to pay for the Cobra, and we also have the money in savings for me to take some unpaid leave, but the combination of the two would drain our savings at a really fast rate. Especially because any unpaid days I take delay my getting health insurance. So doing one prolongs the other, continuing the rapid drawing down of our savings at a time when I'm the only one working and Mike is taking time with the baby and on the renovations of our house (as opposed to actively seeking out work).

So right now, what I think I'm planning to do is to go back to work on Monday. Yup, Monday, December 28. Sixteen days after I gave birth. That way, I'll only have to do Cobra for December and January, my benefits will start February 1, and it will get my family the coverage we need soonest and with the least expense. I'm really unhappy with having to go back to work so soon, but I don't know what else I can do. I'll still have the other 11 days of leave, so after Feb. 1, I can't take those days.

Of course, I'm not sure how good of an employee I'll be when I'm on so little sleep and my mind is totally somewhere else, but I guess you go what you gotta do.

Induction

I've already written about going to labor & Delivery Triage on the night of Tuesday, Dec. 8. The next day, Wednesday, Dec. 9, I spent the day at home working and then drove up to Orange County for my old job's Christmas party. I got home from that at about 10 p.m. and crashed. Apparently, Mike and I were both so tired that we slept through the alarm that was supposed to wake us in time for my 10 a.m. OB appointment, because we woke at 9:50 instead! Rushing, knowing we HAD to make the appointment because of my L&D Triage experience a couple of nights before, each of us threw on the clothes we wore the day before and hauled ass to the OB's office. No breakfast, no teeth brushing, no nothing. We also had an NST immediately after the appointment, so we knew we needed to hurry to make that on time, too.

Got to the doctor's office, checked in, were seen. My OB asked us what had been going on and I told her about the Triage visit. She looked at the info in my files, did an internal exam (pronouncing me slightly dilated and effaced), looked at the swelling in my feet (which was pretty heavy, if you ask me), and, oddly enough, checked my reflexes. She tapped my knees and my legs sprang out. I asked if that was good and she said no. Then she said she wanted to run some tests on me and to go to the lab after the appointment to have some blood drawn and to give a urine sample. She said not to leave the NST until she'd seen the test results.

We got to the hospital, which is where the NSTs are done, and did the test. Our nurse had the doctor on call in the NST lab look at the results of the blood and urine work and he said we were fine and could leave-- this time. Mike and I walked out of the office talking about how crazy it is to think about one day coming to the hospital and being told, "sorry, we're going to keep you here." We'd just gotten to the elevators when the NST nurse came running after us, calling my name and saying my OB had called just after we left and that the results weren't good and that she was going to induce.

Yup, that's right. Induce. Right then, right there. No leaving the hospital, no going home. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just go to the L&D ward and have a baby.

I was 35 weeks and 5 days along.

I was in shock. Total shock. I got scared and teary. We went to the check-in area and signed some papers and were able to convince a very nice admitting staffer to let us go get some lunch, given we hadn't had breakfast and didn't know how long anything would take. Mike wanted to go out somewhere but I said we should just go to the cafeteria and eat there, so that's what we did. While there, we made some phone calls. I called the dog sitter, who fortunately was able to come and get the dog and watch him, and Mike let his family know. I sent a text message to a few friends, but held off on telling my family because it would have been extra stress I didn't need or want.

Once lunch was done, we went back upstairs to L&D and were settled in "High Risk 1." I stripped down and they put an IV in me to run pitocin and miso-something or other to bring on labor, and magnesium sulfate, which was to ward off seizures. My OB came and explained that some of the levels associated with my liver were off, that my blood pressure was up, and that the edema in my feet and jerky reflexes were signs that I was pre-eclamptic. The mag sulfate was to warn off seizures, which is what happens when you become eclamptic.

I sent Mike home to get some stuff, giving him a list I'd made out at lunch of things I wanted/needed. Camera. Socks. "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Random stuff. It was very strange because we had no idea how long we'd be there, and I hadn't paid much attention to the "what to pack" info in any of my books because we still had a while. (Ironically, one of the things I'd planned to do during the weekend was to pack my bag.)

Thursday went by pretty slowly. At 4 p.m., I was 1 cm dilated andd 50 % effaced. I tried to sleep when I could because I knew I'd need the energy for labor. People kept coming in to take my blood pressure and vitals. At 9 p.m., I was still only 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced.

Later, like 1 a.m. (I think) Friday morning, we were moved to "L&D 10," a labor and delivery room that would be our home for the birthing process. Mike was with me and slept in a chair that sort of reclined into a bed. I was dilating and effacing very slowly. At 8 a.m. on Friday, they broke my water. I was concerned because of the velamentous cord insertion issue, but it was fine and there were no problems. The water breaking should result in stronger contractions, they said. That happened, but they still weren't very strong and I was still not moving along well.

At 6 p.m. on Friday, we were at a decision point. Should we keep going with the pitocin or do a c-section? By that point, I was on internal monitors to monitor the baby's heart rate and the strength of my contractions. The pitocin was being given at "10," the highest level they usually use, and it clearly wasn't doing much. My contractions were regular, but they weren't strong enough to be considered "active." At the same time, because of the baby's size, the OB was seeing some swelling of her head, which is sometimes a sign that the baby is too big to be pushed out vaginally. So that was another thing in favor of doing a c-section. I wanted to try to do it vaginally, but didn't want to have it get to a stress point where they'd need to do an emergency c-section. The doctor who was with us (not my OB) was amazing and really wonderful. She presented us with our options, which included upping the pitocin up to "30" if the baby would tolerate it. Mike and I decided that's what we would do, and we agreed with the doctor that we'd give it another 2-4 hours to see if that would work. Every 1/2 hour, they would bump up the amount of pitocin. Eventually, I got up to 4 cm dilated and we called in the nurse anesthetist to give me an epidural

The epidural was a godsend. It made everything so much easier (though Mike's use of the breathing technique we learned in childbirth class was nice, it wasn't as nice as the epidural!). The drugs had worked and I was definitely in active labor and was feeling the contractions, which were pretty intense. It was a relief to feel numb except for some pressure, and to be able to push a button for additional pain blocking power every 10 minutes as needed.

(Side note: scariest experience during labor came just before the epidural was done. The baby's heartbeat dived and everyone sprang into action. I've never seen people move so fast. They demanded I roll over onto my side and started doing something or other. In a weird twist, I was so out of it because of the mag sulfate-- which induces stupor in most people-- that I wasn't even fully aware of what was happening and couldn't understand why all of a sudden everyone was yelling at me to get on my side. As it turns out, they weren't sure if the baby's heartbeat really did take a dive or if it was a monitor issue or what. But it was pretty freaky.)

Finally they did another check and I was 8 cm dilated, 100% effaced. It felt like a huge victory. That was sometime Friday night. Then, later, I felt the urge t push and told my nurse. She told me to hold off on pushing and started to get a bunch of things ready and to call the doctor and to do all these things. It felt like she was taking FOREVER. All I wanted to do was bear down. When I finally was allowed to start pushing, the nurse took one of my legs and Mike took the other. Mike did the count (1-10, signifying how long to push) and each contraction, I'd do three pushes. The first one was relatively easy and I always started off strong. The next two were progressively harder to exhale for 10 seconds apiece and to push for 10 seconds apiece. The contractions were about every three minutes, and I pushed for about 1 hr, 45 minutes.

During the pushing, they would tell me, "oh, we can see the head!" or "she has lots of hair!" and things like that. They asked if I wanted to see the head and I said no, and they asked if I wanted to watch the baby crown and I said no. I pushed and pushed and pushed. When her head came out, I could definitely feel A LOT of pressure and knew it was coming out. The OB was there then (the 4th of our nearly two-day labor experience) and he had his hands inside of me as well. Thank God for the epidural. Once the head was out, then came the rest of the body, and at 12:17 a.m. on Dec. 12, 2009, Michaela was born.

(Because she was born on Saturday morning, she made it to 36 weeks. Still 1-4 weeks from "full term," though.)

I couldn't see it, but Mike said it was amazing to watch. I found it really fascinating and cool that my body just knew what to do.

The nurse took the baby to a different part of the room to administer the APGAR test and all of that and Mike stayed with me for a minute before going to be with the baby. In the meantime, the placenta didn't come out in one piece, so the doctor had to manually sweep my uterus to get it all out. It's really important that the entire placenta be delivered (or removed) because it signals your body that the baby has come and leads to all sorts of metabolic and hormonal processes for mom and baby. The OB also stitched me up because I tore as the baby was coming out. That was NOT pleasant and I hit the extra pain medicine button multiple times during each of those procedures.

Once the baby was done being checked out-- and I have no idea how long that took-- they brought her over to me and I got to hold her on my chest. She was so amazing. Not small at all, in spite of being premature. She weighed 7 pounds, 8.3 ounces (which makes me wonder how big she would have been if she'd stayed in another month) and was 20 inches long. She has a head of dark, soft, beautiful hair and sort of slate-blue eyes. Her feet and toes are long, and her hands are tiny.

People cleared out and then it was just us and the nurse. I can't remember where the baby was after that. Things were such a blur. We were in the room for a few hours before being moved to a room in "Four North," the high-risk L&D recovery unit. Fortunately, we had our own room. This was huge because one of the things I was dreading about Kaiser was having to share a room with another woman and her partner and their baby plus Mike and my baby. It became even more important later, because we ended up having to stay in the hospital a long time. (More on that in another post.)

I'm sure there's more, but this is all I can remember right now. Funny how a doctor's appointment turned into having our little one.

Stream of Consciousness, Part 2

--I just had the most successful breastfeeding session with Michaela ever. She fed for 45 minutes. Normally, getting to 15 is a challenge, and it's more like, "I've been trying to get her to latch and to stay on for 15 minutes." This time is was, "okay, she's on and she's sucking with occasional slight pauses, but holy cow, she's really going!" It was awesome.

--Mike is a great dad, but he's terrible at getting up in the middle of the night. And he never moves as quickly as I want, which is frustrating, especially when I'm short on sleep.

--I woke up last night with my bra and sheets soaked. Totally soaked. The pads didn't help. I wonder if it's because I have really big nipples? The lactation consultant said I had two nipples that became one, so I need larger flanges for the breast pump. Seems like it'd make sense, then, that I'd probably need larger pads, though they don't come in different sizes.

--I have already lost 23 pounds. I weighed myself last night and couldn't believe it. It had been really depressing to go to the doctor each week and see a number that is higher than Mike's, even though I know it was natural and good for the baby. But when I outweighed him by a good 10-15 pounds-- weighing in at 201 at my last appointment the day I was induced-- I wasn't feeling so hot about the number on the scale. So last night when I got on my personal scale and it was 178, I was pretty happy!

--I'm a total idiot. Michaela's cord stump fell off the other day and we couldn't find it. I wasn't convinced we should save it forever, but I at least wanted to try to find it and look at it, because I love weird shit like that. Well, we couldn't find it. Today, I took the dog outside to go to the bathroom and saw what looked like a pincher bug on his coat. I flicked it away with my fingers into some bushes, and it dawned on me about .0001 seconds after I flicked it that it wasn't a pincher bug, it was Michaela's cord stump. Oops.

Stream of Consciousness

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I was induced and had the baby-- a great story I'll come back to tell in another post. In the meantime, I wanted to jot down a few thoughts so they wouldn't get lost in a fog of sleep deprivation.

--My new job. The benefits situation is all fucked up. Cobra through my old job is nearly $850/month for me and the baby. That doesn't include Mike, who is another couple of hundred bucks through his Cobra. Oy. Also, the 30-day maternity leave (since I'm not eligible for FMLA) is 30 days, not 30 work days, and so far, I've been told that it starts the day I had the baby. Given that this is December, and between this month and January, there are a lot of holidays I would normally have off anyway, I'm not thrilled about "losing" those days. My boss is pressing for an answer, though, and I am trying to be hopeful.

--Similarly, the thought of having to go back to work after only 30 days is killing me. I'm trying to remind myself, though, that even though I would have had more time off at my old job, eventually I would have had to go back and do the long commute and that would be excruciating as well.

--I'm soooooo tired. But sort of not tired. I don't think this is sustainable and I'll crash at some point, but right now, I'm tired but manage to keep it up throughout the day and then to get up multiple times at night.

--The baby is adorable. I'm in love with her like I've never loved anything or anyone else before. The love I have for her is totally different than my love for Mike. She has had some issues with jaundice, since she's technically a preemie (born at 36 weeks, not 37 or 40), and seeing her under the bili lights and having to get her heel stuck for blood tests every day is killing me. I know she will be okay, and it's good to get this taken care of, but it's so hard!

--Speaking of hard: breastfeeding. My goodness. The frustration was incredible. I cried and cried and cried the first several days, due to the breastfeeding situation and the jaundice situation. One night in the beginning, when I was in the newborn nursery-- I had to go there every 2-3 hours to take her off the bili light machine so I could feed Michaela-- I just said, "fuck it" and gave her a bottle with formula in it rather than continue to struggle to breastfeed her. It was a watershed moment. I felt so relieved, like all of the pressure was off me. I could give my baby what she needed, even if it didn't come from my boobs, and that's what was most important. The next day a really great lactation consultant came to my room and worked with me and I had more success, though it's still slow going. Michaela (that's how we ended up spelling it, which is another funny story) latches on but gets really tired and doesn't like to suck for very long. Not good when you need a lot of protein to bind to the bilirubin to make your jaundice go away. So we were supplementing her with formula, first out of a tube and syringe (so painful) and later (now) breast milk out of a bottle.

--I always sort of wondered how I'd know things like, how will I know when/how to push and how will I know if my milk came in. The labor front was amazing, my body did what it was meant to do. I got to a certain point where I felt all this pressure and said to Mike and the nurse, "I have to start pushing." And I did. On the milk front, it's very clear my milk is in because I'm like a Holstein cow! I have so much milk! My plan is that if breastfeeding doesn't work out (I have an appointment in 2 weeks with another lactation consultant, but am going to try to move that up to be sooner), I will just continue to pump and feed the baby out of a bottle. That's also nice because then Mike can do some of the middle-of-the-night feedings. :)

--Mike is, as I expected, an amazing father. He has a great touch with Michaela. When we were at the hospital, nurses would constantly tell me how impressed they were with him and how good he is with the baby. I told everyone he's the primary and I'm the secondary caregiver.

--I'm a pretty good mom, I think. I'm still a little hesitant on some things and unskilled on others (like putting the baby's clothes on, or getting her in/out of the car seat), but I will get better. And I'm not sure that anyone loves her more than I do, and that counts for something, right?

--I was in the hospital for six days. Six days. Now I'm totally confused about what date it is. I know Christmas is right around the corner, but we've decided to skip it this year. No time or energy to drag out the decorations and no interest in lugging the baby to the crowded malls to buy gifts for people which they probably won't get in time for the holidays, anyway, since so much family lives far away.

--My friends and family are awesome. They have all been so supportive, calling and texting and emailing and sending messages of love and congratulations and encouragement through Facebook. I have a core group of girl friends who have kids and they have been especially great, but it's not just other moms. Everyone has been wonderful!

--Mike and I went to lunch today at a restaurant where I went with his mom, when she was in town, about 10 days ago. I couldn't get over how crazy it is that 10 days ago, I was still pregnant, still a month away from having the baby, and his mom was here. Now, 10 days later, his mom is back in Colorado and I'm a mom. Wow.

Lots of other emotions and random tidbits to share, but I'm happy to have gotten these things out.

Labor and Delivery Triage

So tonight Mike and I got to visit Labor and Delivery Triage. I hadn't felt well all day, was just a little off. I went to bed with socks on last night and when I woke up this morning, my left leg had swollen so much that the sock constricted my circulation and left a deep line. My feet look like hooves. My hands are porky. I had a slight headache (like a sinus headache), though that went away, and it was really uncomfortable to sit down all day due to pain in my left side. Later in the day, my lower back started to hurt and I started to feel a good amount of balling up in my stomach.

We went to our childbirth class tonight and I had to get up in the middle of it to go to the bathroom. All of a sudden, my stomach started hurting and I knew I had to poo. I ended up being in the bathroom so long Mike actually got up and came into the ladides' room to make sure I was okay. I was, but that sealed it for me-- time to go to L&D Triage.

Registering once we got there was easy, though we had to wait a little bit before I actually got any attention. I was taken to an exam room, put on a fetal heart rate monitor and blood pressure cuff. Took off my pants so they could do an internal exam to check my cervix. Drank some water so they could do a urine test to look at protein and sugar in my pee, plus check for a urinary tract infection.

It turns out I was having contractions about every 10 minutes. My blood pressure looked pretty good-- higher than during the NSTs, but low for me-- and the baby's heart was doing fine. My cervix is soft, the doctor said, but still high; she also said I will probably deliver early, though she wouldn't commit to how early. She said to think of what I was feeling today as my baseline; anything more than this means I'm getting closer to popping.

It was good practice to go tonight and to get to know what to expect. Mike was fabulous, as expected. He's going to be a great dad. So now we just wait and see when Poppy wants to make her appearance in the world.

New things to worry about

So I went in for my 1st non-stress test (NST) the other day. I actually found the test very relaxing. I laid there, they had monitors on the baby's heart and on my blood pressure, and they fed me ice chips to get the baby to move around. Mike went with me, which was nice, and they did another (though low-tech) ultrasound to check the fluid around the baby.

The nurse had a little card with my info on it, including the reason for my being there. As far as I knew going in, I am having 2 NSTs/week because of my high blood pressure. Imagine my surprise, then, to see "velamentous insertion" written on the card next to hypertension. I remembered one of the ultrasound techs saying something about the cord being attached on the side, but the tech didn't make a big deal out of it and my OB didn't make a big deal out of it, so it didn't really occur to me to be worried about it. That is, not until I got home and googled the condition.

Here's what I found: In velamentous insertion, the cord is not connected to the placental plate, and its vessels travel between the membranes before attaching eccentrically to the placenta. It happens in 1.1% in singleton pregnancies and 8.7% of twins.
Associated anomalies are found in 5.9-8.5% of cases. These include:

* Esophageal atresia.
* Obstructive uropathies.
* Congenital hip dislocation.
* Asymmetrical head shape.
* Spina bifida.
* Ventricular septal defects.
* Single umbilical artery.
* Bilobate placenta.
* Trisomy 21.

Yes, lots of good things. I immediately freaked out and sent a note to my doctor. I acknowledged in the note that I would image the genetic screening I went through would have identified some of those issues (like the trisomy 21) and that the monitoring with ultrasounds would have identified others (like asymmetrical head shape), but that I was concerned nonetheless and did I need to be? She wrote back that it's actually a common problem that doesn't generally cause issues and that the previous testing would have caught things. She said that the biggest issue with the condition is the baby not growing well, which obviously isn't a problem with my ginmormous Poppy. Her closing line? "Try not to worry."

Ah, yes. Try not to worry. Easier said than done.

I will say, though, that it's too late to do anything (as in terminate the pregnancy) if the baby did have some sort of problem and all I can do at this point is move forward. She has a strong heartbeat, has been kicking like crazy, looks fine (but big) on the ultrasounds. I have to hope things are fine. And soon enough, I'll find out for sure.

The other interesting thing that came out of my NST is that apparently I'm having a lot of contractions. The nurse said my uterus is "very active" and when another, different nurse saw the results of my monitoring, she commented on the contractions, too. They said if I feel 4+ contractions in an hour or the baby balling up or anything, that I need to go to Labor and Delivery triage immediately. That, of course, brought me right back to my concern about not knowing what exactly a contraction feels like. I've been thinking I'm having Braxton Hicks (and maybe this proves that I am?), but I'm not quite sure. So when I go in tomorrow, I am going to try to ask some more specific questions about what I should be feeling for. My plan up until this point has been unless something hurts or is incredibly, super uncomfortable, to assume I'm fine and not worry about it. Seems like that worked for most of human history, so it must be okay now, too, right?

Happy Turkey Day

Mike and I have a lot to be thankful for, in general, and even more so this year. We're thankful that we have great friends and wonderful, supportive families. We're thankful that each of us has been able to find work that is fulfilling and relatively family-friends. We're thankful that we are in good health and that those we love are, too. And, of course, we're thankful for the exciting journey to parenthood we're on. It's very exciting to think that at this time next year, our family will be bigger by one and that our hopefully healthy and happy little girl will get to celebrate her first Turkey Day with us.

I haven't been feeling too well today. Woke up at about 9 and cleaned off and on for about two hours. Then I was bushed. My back hurts a little bit, my hands and feet are a little swollen, and my joints feel very stiff. I can see how it gets harder and harder as you get closer and closer to 40 weeks.

But today is a day to focus on what we have and what we're thankful for, and I'm trying to concentrate on all the wonderful elements of my life that are way more important than some little aches and pains. Happy Thanksgiving!

Pooped

Lately, I've been feeling really fatigued again. I go to bed but have a hard time sleeping, then finally fall asleep (getting up a few times each night to pee). When it's time to wake up in the morning, I feel pooped, and by the end of the day, all I want to do is lay in bed. Walking around or doing any sort of activity-- sometimes even just standing for a few minutes-- tires me out to no end. I don't like it. I've been taking my prenatal vitamins, so I'm not sure what it might be. Have a doctor's appointment on Friday, so I'll ask my OB then.

One thing I've definitely decided is that if I had this to do again, I would start exercising at the beginning of pregnancy. I think building up my stamina and developing my lung capacity and muscles would be really helpful in carrying a child. I guess that's a lesson for next time (if there is a next time, that is).

Still here

I'm still here, it's just that nothing too exciting is going on. Work is good, and I'm so happy to not have to drive so far every day. I 'm feeling okay (except for the awful rash I break out in when I get too hot-- ugh) and the baby is moving as usual. My blood pressure is a little high, but not too high. We picked up a crib the other day from some friends who kindly gave us theirs. The baby's room is on on the verge of being on the verge of ready to be painted. Mike is working hard on the renovations in the rest of the house. So things are good!

How do I hold this thing?

Earlier this week, a friend of Mike's stopped by. She has a 6-month old daughter and very kindly gave us a bunch of stuff (seriously, a lot, including two swings a co-sleeper thing, a breast pump, etc.). Mike needed to show her something in the garage, so the friend asked if I wanted to hold her daughter.

The thing about it is, is that I haven't really ever been around babies. I don't really know how to hold them and I'm always really nervous because I would have to drop the baby or hurt it in some way. I know I'll be okay when it's my own baby (the whole "you break it, you buy it" thing; well, I already own the baby), but when it's someone else's, I just feel weird. I was holding the baby fine, sitting in my glider and rocking her a little bit, but when the mom came back in and I needed to hand the baby over, I didn't know where to hold the baby that the mom could still grab her. I had the baby under her arms, but that's where I would grab the baby if I were taking her from someone, so it was awkward to me. The mom just grabbed the baby like a football and got her all settled away, but I was embarrassed. It was clear I had no idea what I'm doing-- Mike commented on it afterward, and I'm sure the mom noticed.

I am giving myself permission to be awkward and to be embarrassed because my baby isn't here yet and I know I have a lot to learn. But I'm really counting on my maternal instinct kick in soon!

Reflecting on showers

Friday was my last day at work. Thursday, the people there threw me a shower. I was totally surprised and absolutely blown away by their generosity. Poppy came out of the shower with A TON of clothes and with some blankets, toys, bath products, etc. It was really amazing. I'm going to miss that place (and those people) very much, but I'm excited to not have to do the drive anymore and to start settling into the new routine.

Went to a baby shower yesterday for a friend I've known since junior high. It was lovely. Wonderful decorations and food and company. It made me excited for my shower (which is coming up!), but also allowed me to reflect on how cool it is that my kid and her kids (she's having twins) are going to be friends. My parents don't have couple friends, and even individually, neither of them had friends from longstanding relationships like that, so I never got to have "play cousins" or whatever you want to call them.

I am feeling surprisingly calm about the birthing process itself, and mainly full of excitement about the time that Poppy is actually here and all of the great things that are ahead of us.

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back....

No, not really. I just want MY ribs to feel better! They still hurt, especially my right side. The pain was excruciating this Sunday. I woke up and felt okay, but think I hopped out of bed too quickly and tweaked something, because for the rest of the day, I was in agony. I noticed today they're feeling a lot better than they were, though there are still some twinges of pain.

When I was at the OB this morning, I asked about the pain and she said (as I thought), it was just residual muscle strain from when I had the flu. She said the things we'd normally do to make it better-- Advil, Motrin, etc.-- are off limits because of the pregnancy, and basically, I need to grin and bear it. Which I have been doing as best I can.

In other news, my fundus is measuring 31-32 weeks, so she's sticking with her "the baby is big, we're not changing your EDD" policy. Also, I got my H1N1 vaccine today. Anything to keep from getting another round of the flu! (And never mind how much worse it would be if I picked up swine flu somewhere!). The baby is not, as I feared, transverse; she's head down. Thank goodness for that.

The big mass I've been feeling on the right side, under my (painful) ribs is the baby's rump. Good to know.

I am at a point now where I need to go in for appointments every 2 weeks, and, on top of that, I will start going in for non-stress tests twice a week at 34 weeks. I'm so thankful I'll be working in the same city as my doctor. I don't know what I would have done if I'd needed to do that while working 100 miles away.

Hard to believe we're getting so close! We still have so much to do...

"Like menstrual cramps"

People have told me, and I've read, that contractions (little ones, at least) are like really bad menstrual cramps. The wisdom usually goes like this, "oh, you'll know when you're having a contraction. It's like a really bad cramp when you have your period!" Here's the thing, people. I never had regular periods. That's where the whole "I didn't think I could get pregnant" thing came from. And the periods I did have were usually tame (and often times very short). No cramps. Maybe the occasional back ache, but that was about it. So all these "really bad cramp" analogies aren't doing it for me. Sure, at a certain point, I'll know I'm having a contracting. But in the meantime, I'm drawing a blank.

Misc.

I've been feeling what I think are Braxton Hicks contractions. Interesting. I need to ask the OB about them next week, but the childbirth class teacher said what I described sounds like Braxton Hicks.

Childbirth class is... interesting. I'm learning, and it's helpful for me to listen to the teacher, jot down notes in the book, and practice. Mike is bored out of his mind and would prefer to have all the info summarized in a short (20-30 minutes) session rather than a long (2 hour) one. I do agree with him that the class could be tighter and that our instructor is pretty weird. But I think you have to be weird to teach childbirth.

We watched a childbirth video tonight. Fortunately, it was tame. No crotch shots. Thank goodness. I was worried. It turned out to be like a shortened version of "A Baby Story." Phew.

My best friend is 12 weeks pregnant with twins! She called me yesterday with the happy news. I'm excited for her and her hubby, shocked by the twins news (can't imagine how shocked she must be!), and also a little sad that they live so far away that I won't get to be super involved in going shopping with her, etc. But she's coming out for my shower in December and I will throw one for her when she's closer. Lots of babies!

"No worries"

So the ultrasound. Apparently I didn't drink the water early enough so they had a hard time looking at my cervix and had to use the dildo cam. The baby looks good-- had her hands in front of her face, boxer style. Put 'em up! But she's big. Or I'm further along by 3-4 weeks than they thought based on my 8 week ultrasound.

I emailed my doctor to ask what she thought. Her reply was actually really nice. (I always am self conscious about bothering her, which I know is stupid, but still.) It began with "no worries." She went on to say the baby is just big, that the 8 week ultrasound is waaaay more accurate than this and that they're not going to move my due date and that I don't need to be freaked out about possibly delivering about a month earlier than we'd planned. She also said that my high blood pressure could have made the baby smaller, but that it's not the case and I should be happy about that. And I don't have gestational diabetes, so the baby isn't big because of that. So I'm going to stick with her advice and focus on "no worries."

Another ultrasound

The one good thing about being a "high risk" pregnancy (because of my blood pressure) is that we get an extra ultrasound to make sure the baby is growing appropriately. Tomorrow morning is our growth scan, and Mike and I are both really excited to see how big Poppy has gotten. I'm nervous, of course. I have fears that one of her limbs will have fallen off or that something's going to be wrong. I guess that's just part of being a mom. She's been actively kicking me, her heartbeat has sounded good each time I've been to the doctor, etc. So hopefully tomorrow we'll find that everything is okay and I can stop worrying. For now. ;)

Pain in my side

I am slowly but surely getting over my illness. I still am coughing sometimes, and have an alternatively runny/stuffy nose. The worst part is the pain I have in my ribs. I've done so much coughing over the last two weeks that the muscles around my ribs are really sore. Let me tell you, you don't realize how much your ribs (and the muscles) do until they're really sore. Any kind of movement, any twisting motion of my spine, any bending... When I lay down in bed, it hurts to roll over onto my side. When I get up, it hurts to pull myself into a seated/standing position. Mike woke me up in the middle of the night last night, asking if I was okay because I'd been moaning in my sleep. It hurts that much. I'd like to take the Tylenol with codeine they gave me, because that would at least make it easier to sleep, but I have Poppy to consider. (I have been wondering what life is like for her in my womb given all the coughing. I'm sure she notices it!) So instead I'll moan and cry and cringe in pain and hope it gets better soon.

Buh-bye commute

I officially accepted the offer I got and gave notice at my job. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more long commute! I counted, and with today's drive being done, I only have to make the drive 8 more times. My boss, and everyone at work, took it really well. They all basically say they will miss me, that I am a great employee/boss/colleague, and that they understand that this is the best decision for my family-- which it is.

Last night, we went to our first childbirth education class (more on that later), and as we learned about the signs of labor to watch for and what to pay attention to, I felt like I had an epiphany. "Oh my god," I thought. "I've been stupidly brave about all this!" What if something happened while I was in the middle of my drive? What if something happened while I was stuck in a traffic jam? What if I was far away (up to 90 miles) from my hospital and my husband? Of course I'd call 911 and would figure something out, and I realize labor can be a process that takes a long time, but this way I'm not tempting fate. Not to mention once the baby is born-- this way I won't have to be so far away from her if something happens. I was doing what I needed to do to keep my job and to do a good job, but as Poppy's birth gets closer and closer, it's time to stop taking chances of this type. So I'm feeling good about my decision, even as I have some apprehension about my new job and the exclusive-work-at-home arrangement that comes with it.

More health update

I'm still sick, but have been feeling better each day. Unfortunately, I have excruciating pain in my ribs whenever I cough, laugh, move, or anything else. The Tylenol with codeine that was prescribed for me helps me sleep and dulls the pain, but I don't feel comfortable taking it because of the baby. And I can't drive when I take it because it's a narcotic. I'm happy, though, that I'm feeling better than I as, and I'm trying to concentrate on continuing the trend.

Unfortunately, Mike is sick now. I think I gave it to him. I feel terribly, but I'm glad at least he doesn't have to go to the office each day. Just to the class he teaches twice a week, which is still pretty bad.

Hopefully our getting sick will help protect Poppy. I have another doctor's appointment in two weeks, so that may be my chance to get the H1N1 vaccine (if they have it). Unless what I have now is H1N1-- maybe then I won't need the vaccine? Hmm...

Not getting better

I'm not sure how long it's supposed to take for one to recover from the flu. I'm sure it's more than 2 days, but I'm tired of being sick and tired of being scared for my baby. You see, last night, I dug out "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to look up info on fevers. For pregnant women, anything at or above 100.4 is considered "you should call the doctor" worrisome. And if you feel decreased fetal movements, you should immediately call Labor and Delivery, because that's a really big sign of trouble.

Took my temperature at various times last night. The first time I took it (7ish), it was 99.9. An hour later, 100.4. An hour later, 100.6. At 10:35, it was up to 100.8. I took 1000 mgs of Tylenol and waited to see if it would go down. An hour later, it was still 100.8, so I called the After Hours Nurse, who then transferred me to Labor and Delivery triage. The nurse there told me to give it another hour and to drink as many cold fluids as I could in that time, hoping the fever would break. Well thankfully it did and at 12:45, I was down to 98.7 (which is still a little high for me, as I'm usually more like 96- or 97-point something). Each time I got up to go to the bathroom, I'd check my temperature, and it stayed low for a while. Then, when I woke up at a little before 6, it was back up to 99.7, and a little before 8, we were back to 100.6. sigh.

I never realized until I was pregnant that such a low-grade fever could be such an issue. I mean, really, 100.4+ isn't that hot. But when you're pregnant, everything is about the health of your baby. So here's hoping the baby is okay.

I'm off to the doctor this morning to get seen. I don't think they'll do anything for me, but it's better safe than sorry.

Sick

Well, I finally got the flu shot saga cleared up. Went to the doctor on Monday and was told there aren't any H1N1 shots, and that you can't have one if you've been vaccinated within 30 days. So I got a seasonal flu shot and a month from now, if I have to, I'll get the H1N1 vaccine, too.

Of course about an hour after I got my seasonal flu shot, I started feeling REALLY sick. Chest and head congestion, sore throat, alternatively productive and unproductive (non-productive?) coughs, chills. I immediately got into bed and laid around for the rest of the day. It didn't get better as time passed, though Mike did make me his delicious homemade chicken soup. I also stayed home today and mostly slept. Slept and coughed.

I sent an email to my doctor who wrote back saying that the flu vaccine doesn't have any live flu in it (which I knew, but I wanted to put the timing in perspective) and that I'm either having flu-like symptoms as a result of my immune system mobilizing due to the vaccine or that I got the vaccine a little too late and had already been exposed to the flu. Great.

I can take Robitussin, she said, and Benadryl, and should watch out for fever. If I get a fever, I need to call the doctor immediately. Gotta get out my thermometer.

Moo

This is my private blog-- it's out there and people can look at it if they come across it somewhere, but I don't give out the URL to people I know in real life-- so I can write whatever I want! Including things that might be TMI, like this.

The last couple of weeks, my nipples and areolas have had crusty stuff on them. I can and do flake it off, and I realized it'd probably colostrum. A quick Google search also supported that idea. The crusty stuff is kind of gross, but it's a natural bodily function, so what can you do?

Today I started thinking, though. If it's colostrum, it's gotta be coming out of my nipples and then spilling onto my aereolas, where it then dries and becomes crusty, right? But I've never seen or felt anything coming out of my nipples! So I decided I'd do some Googling to learn how to manually express my breasts, which, assuming it is colostrum, would produce that substance. I gave it a try and was fascinated to see a clear liquid coming out of my nipple! Oh my god! What a weird sight!

Feeling a little sick

For the last week or so, I've been feeling like I'm getting a cold. I don't want a cold! I'm pregnant and having a cold can't be good for the baby. But I'd rather have a cold than the seasonal flu or the swine flu.

When I went in last week for the glucose screening, I also had to get a RhoGam shot. The nurse asked me if I also wanted the flu shot. That morning, I'd awakened to a story on NPR about how pregnant women are 6 times more likely to die from the swine flu. Pretty compelling reason to get the vaccine, huh? But I still wasn't set on a decision. The nurse said if I came back on/after Oct. 12, I could get both flu and H1N1 shots (one in each arm).

Well, between other research I've done and feeling sick, I've now decided yes, I'll get the vaccines. I have been reading a lot about demand for the H1N1 shots, so yesterday I sent a reminder to myself to call Kaiser today to see if I needed an appointment or if I could just walk in. The woman at the appointment center had no idea, had to call the OBGYN department, which didn't answer. So she left a message and told me I'd get a call back.

I did get a call back, and just a few minutes later. The nurse from OBGYN told me they didn't have any H1N1 shots, didn't know if or when they'd be getting any. I explained that the nurse I saw last week (literally a week ago today) specifically told me they'd be in and to come back. Today's nurse said the one I spoke with last week had no idea what she was talking about, but that maybe they'd have some shots in November. Um, okay.

About 15 minutes after that, I got ANOTHER call from Kaiser. Same nurse I'd spoken with earlier. She said she's spoken with a nurse at my medical office and that they may have some H1N1 vaccine coming in after all, later this week or early next week, and that I should call the main appointment number again to see. So it looks like I'll get to have this adventure again this Friday (or next Monday, when I have an actual appointment already scheduled).

I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't want the vaccine in the first place, so if I don't get it, it will be fine. And it will be fine, assuming I don't come into contact with anyone who has, and passes on to me, swine flu.

When can I start working from home?!?!

Misc. Updates

1) Last Friday, I got a text message from Mike that he'd gotten calls from two new clients, totally out of the blue, wanting to do a couple of shoots this weekend. One of the shoots fell through, but he did end up booking a full day of work ($900) for one of the clients-- a large, national department store chain! I told him if he was still feeling nervous about striking out on his own, he should stop right now!

2) I have a meeting with my former (and potential new) boss tomorrow. She has two positions open and I've seen one of them advertised. As far as I know, she's not advertising "mine," so I'm hoping tomorrow's coffee date will include a formal offer.

3) On the baby front... we picked out a name! There wasn't a lot of overlap in the names Mike and I liked, but I came up with a first name (Micaela or Michaela) and middle name (Lee) combination that I thought sounded good, called him and asked what he thought, and he liked it! I was totally shocked. I didn't expect our conversation would be, "what do you think about Micaela/Michaela Lee?" "I like it." "Okay, so we can go with that?" "Yeah, let's."

He likes Michaela, and I like Micaela, so we still have to deal with that. I like Leigh better than Lee, but Lee is Mike's mom's middle name and the name of my dearest (now deceased) aunt, so I think we're going with Lee.

I want to come up with at least one other option so when Poppy is born, we have something else ready to go in case she doesn't look like a Micaela/Michaela. Still, it's a big hurdle to have come up with *something*!

So excited!

When I found out I was pregnant, I was in total shock. TOTAL SHOCK. There were no words to describe how taken aback I was. I literally had spent the 15 or so years before thinking I was not going to be able to have kids (or that I'd need medical intervention if I could), and all of a sudden, BAM! I was pregnant. Say what?!?

Now that the shock has worn off, I'm just excited. Totally excited! I can't wait for Poppy to get here! I am enjoying my pregnancy more than I thought I would (and maybe more than it seems like from my complaining here), but I'm ready for it to be over with so I can meet MY DAUGHTER. How crazy is that? My daughter. Hooray for Poppy!

Job changes

I haven't written anything here yet about the latest job news in our household, but there's a lot going on.

Mike, who has been very busy in the last few years juggling a bustling freelance career with full-time work and responsibilities around the house, gave notice today at work. Three weeks from now, he will be on his own, taking the time to expand his freelance business and preparing for his new role of stay-at-home dad.

He was understandably nervous about quitting. Right now, we're making a ton of money between my income, his income, his freelance income, and our rental income. We have mostly banked his income (though not exclusively), so we have a decent size nest egg. But still, with a baby on the way on expenses going up because of that, it's a scary time to turn down $65k/year. Our original plan was that he would quit his job in January, when the baby is born, but I convinced him that it made sense to quit now so he can focus on building the business up to a point that he can be in full swing once January rolls around. He won't officially stop working until Oct. 22, and he just started another gig (teaching two classes at a local college), and then there's also the job of finishing up the renovation on our house. That's obviously very important and has to be done by the time the baby comes. So I expect he'll still be really darn busy!

In terms of my job news, I don't have anything definitive yet, but I have an interesting situation. Someone I used to work for got a new job a couple of months ago. When she'd accepted the position but hadn't told anyone yet where it was, she started talking to me about the chance to work together again. Never one to limit my options, I told her I'd be interested (and I am. She's a great lady and I learned a lot working from her before). When she finally told me where she was working, we revisited the conversation. A few weeks ago, she emailed me a job description for discussion purposes to see if I'd be interested. It would pay what I was making before I took my current job (which came with a $20k/yr pay cut) and WOULD BE BASED AT HOME. I'd still be a director-level, but my 3 hour (or more, depending on traffic) daily commute would be gone. My $400-$500 monthly gas bill would be gone AND my income would go up by more than $1200/month before taxes. How can I say no to that?

I have the feeling that I'm a sure thing. I'm her preferred (and only, at this point) candidate and I've worked with the other people in this company before. We have good relationships. I sent in a cover letter and resume and heard back today asking what my time line looks like. I said I want to give 2 weeks notice-- that's only fair-- but that's my only issue. I do feel badly, because I love my current job. I really do love it. But this other opportunity would be better for my family, and now that I'm a mom, that has to come first. It's a weird thing to wrap my mind around in a lot of ways. Assuming the new job comes through, I'm going to see if my current company wants to keep me on as a consultant to finish a couple of big projects that need to be done by the end of the calendar year.

Baby shower!

I'd been feeling sorry for myself over the last couple of days. I got an invite to a girlfriend's baby shower. She's due months after I am, but her friends have it together enough that they're planning something and not only had I not heard a peep out of my friends, but when I asked a couple of them some registry-related questions, all I heard was the sound of crickets (implying they had no plans to throw me a shower). I don't know why, but stuff like that totally gets to me and throughout my life, I have been really hurt by having expectations of my friends that they never quite seem to meet. I've gotten better about it, but I'm still not that good, and this shower thing is a perfect example.

Today, Mike and I spent a very nice day out and about and I happened to mention to him that my feelings were hurt because I wanted a shower but no one was going to throw me one. He said I have a tendency to make people think I don't want something (like a baby shower) and then get disappointed when I don't get it. That's a longstanding discussion between us, and I basically let it go. A couple of hours later, he said to me, all giddy, "check your email!" I looked at my BlackBerry and had a message from my friend saying to save the date, that she and another friend had been plotting to throw me a shower. Mike also said his mom is coming out for it and that his stepmom might come, too. I was totally surprised, totally touched, and felt a little bit stupid for being such a baby.

Apparently they've been trying to figure out details for weeks and when I told Mike how I was feeling, he sent a text to one of my friends alerting her to the need to break the news stat. And voila, she did. I feel much better now about things. I guess my friends don't suck, after all.

(And for the record, I was hurt/disappointed because 1) I would totally throw showers for my friends and have been to all sorts of showers in the past and bought stuff and even driven hundreds of miles to be there, and 2) it's my baby, for Christ's sake, and I want her to have nice things-- nice things purchased by our friends and family!)

Mommy friends

I met a nice woman at the dog park today. Leah is her name, and her dog's name is Tucker. She's a pediatrician and has a baby that is less than a year old. I have seen her there before and we've chatted, but this time, we talked longer than we ever have in the past and actually exchanged names. I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a friendship, because I could use some mom friends who live locally! Right now, I only have one, though another friend is about 3 months pregnant (which means Poppy will be about 3 months older than my friend's child). Being around people who know what you're going through because they've been through it is so helpful, and I would like to build a support network for me and a network of friends for Poppy (especially since our neighborhood doesn't lend itself to her making friends around here). I am thinking about trying to join a mommy's group or doing Stroller Strides or something, but it will also depend on my job situation, since working 90 miles from home isn't conducive to having lots of time for playgroups, etc. (though I'm sure Mike will be able to make lots of mommy friends, ha ha).

Too much advice

People are sweet and well-meaning. Most of them, anyway. But sometimes they drive me fucking crazy.

Mike and I are in the process of registering for baby stuff. That's been a process in and of itself, because we each have our own ideas about how it should go. But we are finally mostly on the same page about most things and it's been getting easier. It was, anyway, until a little bit ago.

Last night, Mike was IMing with a friend who has a couple of kids and he mentioned to her that he was working on our registry. She then came up with this list of things to get and to not get, and of course has opinions on everything. Mike ate it up hook, line and sinker. (Now that I know this, it actually helps explain how/why some things got on our registry that we'd never talked about and that I am quite sure we don't need and won't use.)

The big thing he took from her is that rather than getting the Medela Pump in Style (PIS) breast pump that I want, that I should get some single (only one breast at a time) hand pump because it's less expensive and it's quiet and it will make me feel less like a cow. I tried to explain to Mike that I talked to people and read books and did research and that's how I decided that I wanted the PIS and that it's not like I just picked the more expensive one because it's more expensive (A LOT more expensive. Like $300 vs. $85.). He blew me off and insists that I think about it more.

I'm so frustrated! I don't want a hand pump, I want one that is power-operated so my hands don't get tired from pumping all the time. I know the PIS may be louder, but I don't care-- breastfeeding is natural and if they can hear the pump, people are going to have to deal with the fact that I'm pumping. I currently think that I'm going to feel like a cow no matter what-- after all, I'm being pumped to provide milk to another person-- so why on earth would I buy a bump that takes twice as long (as least, since I imagine it will be 2x as long to do each breast, and if my hands get tired from pumping, I am sure it will be more slow than using the PIS)?

My plan is to ignore him. The PIS is on the registry, that's the one I want. I have reasons for wanting it, I'm the one who is going to be pumping, and if he asks me about it (I won't bring it up), I'll just explain my reasons to him and he can deal with it. When milk starts coming out of his nipples, he can pick a fucking pump.

Things are going well

I went to the doctor this morning for a routine appointment and am happy to report that everything is on track. My blood pressure was 122/77-- which is amazing for me!-- and the baby's heartbeat was strong and healthy. I'm not having any weird symptoms except two different types on itching. One is a rash that seems to happen when I get too hot or sweaty. It's gross and uncomfortable, but the doctor said that may just be how I react to being pregnant and that I should 1) try some spray on antiperspirant where I tend to get the rash and 2) be happy it's starting to cool down. The other rash is a little more serious, potentially. The palms of my hands and soles of my feet get red, swollen, and itchy. It may be a sign of problems with my liver or gallbladder, so I am going to have some blood work done in two weeks when I go for my glucose test and rhogam shot. My mom has hepatitis, and the itchy palms and soles is one of her symptoms. I have empathy now, because it's miserable!

All that being said, I'm really pleased with how everything is going. Sure, I complain about the day-to-day frustrations and annoyances, but all in all, it's been an easy pregnancy. I haven't had to worry about "is my baby okay?" "Is my baby going to make it?" or anything else. No cramping, no bleeding, no contractions, no nothing. Smooth sailing. For that, I am very thankful. I honestly didn't think it'd be that way.

My next appointment is towards the end of October, then one in the middle of November. Then I start going more frequently, unless my blood pressure starts acting up, in which case I'll go probably once a week. I'm in the home stretch!

Update

My birthday ended up being fine. We had dinner with some friends the day before and it was really nice. Very touching. I cried. I'm a sap, what can I say? The actual day-of, I worked a really long day (10 hours, plus 3 hours drive time). The day after, though, Mike and I and my brother went to a really fancy place for dinner and ate like pigs. Literally hundreds of dollars worth of food (and wine for the boys). It was all comped because of some work Mike had done for the owner of the restaurant. Not bad!

My stomach has gotten a lot bigger. I look at pictures from a couple of weeks ago compared to now and it's mind boggling. Amazing how quickly it happens. Tomorrow I'll be six months pregnant, and Sunday, I'll be married for a year. It's been a busy 12 months.

Work is going well. My boss has been much more open to letting me work from home. I'm home today and will be home two days next week, too. Woo hoo! That's a huge load off.

Big plans for this weekend include buying "What to Expect The First Year" and "Super Baby Foods." I figure I should get started learning about those things now, while I have time and while I'm rested.

Other than that, nothing too exciting going on. That's probably a good thing. ;)

I still count, right?

My birthday is on Monday. I'll be 30. Woo hoo. I've already written about some angst I'm having around my birthday, but I'm trying to get over that. Today, though, something happened that I'd been wondering about. It wasn't necessarily a nice thing to have it confirmed, either.

My in-laws, who are wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, loving people, sent me a birthday gift. It's a necklace with a pendant on it of a family. Two adults, one child. They're hugging, and the arms of the adults form a heart. It's a very nice necklace, and I know they were thinking of me and about how I'm going to be a mom and all that stuff. But isn't the thing about it being my birthday that it's MY birthday? Not the birthday of the little one growing inside me? Wouldn't THAT be a good day to get a necklace of a family?

What I'm trying to say is, this gift is about me as a mother and as the matriarch of a family. Which is nice, but I wonder if it's the beginning of me as an individual not counting anymore. Now it'll be me as a mom, part of a unit (mom + child). That's quite a change and will definitely take some getting used to.

Inappropriate touching

I met someone the other day-- for the first time-- and she immediately put her hand on my stomach. I've read about that happening and people have told me it happens, but I was still surprised when it did. Why on earth would anyone think that's okay?!?!

Buzz saw

One of the things I've read in my pregnancy books is that the membranes that line the uterus are the same as those that line the nose. The changes that happen during pregnancy happen not only to the uterine membranes, but also to the ones in the nose. This results in snoring.

I don't usually snore, but apparently I've been doing it lately. Mike has told me that I've been snoring loudly enough that he can hear me from the living room. The first time he said that, we sort of laughed about it. I was embarrassed, but what can I do? He didn't mention it again, until last night, when he called me a buzz saw. Once again, I was snoring so loudly that he could hear me from the other room. It made it hard for him to sleep, and he went and slept on the couch. (That said, I did sleep very well. It's nice to have the whole bed to myself!)

I explained to him the biological reason for my new symphony of sounds and he told me it's cute. It's not, but I appreciate the sentiment. Last night, I was having a hard time getting comfortable-- lots of tossing and turning-- and add to that a fear of snoring and keeping Mike up, and it wasn't the most restful night I've ever had. I slept on the couch for a few hours and then came back to bed. Hopefully I'll get over this (not sure why the snoring has given me a complex; there's nothing I can do about it) so we can get back to normal!

Best massage ever

I went today and had a massage and it was the best thing ever. Ever. I've had one other pre-natal massage, and it was nice, but this was nicer. Not sure why. The first time, I was still able to lay on my stomach, so I did, but this time, I started on my right side and then flipped over to my left. The masseuse paid special attention to the area that have been bothering me-- my feet, which swell like crazy by the end of the day, my neck, which is always tense as a result of working at a desk all day, and my right hip, which is pained from the 3+ hours of driving I do five days a week. She also suggested I go to prenatal yoga, which I've been wanting to do, but have been too lazy to actually commit to. The place I'd go offers classes Wednesday nights at 7, which I can usually make it to (have to leave work by 5 to get home with enough time to change and get to yoga), or early (8?) Saturday morning. I did buy a prenatal yoga DVD, but I haven't used it yet. Wow. I guess I'm lazier than I thought!

Kicking

I was exhausted this afternoon from another day of fighting with my husband and two hours of intensive kitchen cleaning. It's so hot the ants have decided to invade, and they were all over everything in the kitchen-- the walls, the fruit in the fruit bowl, inside some of the cabinets, on the counter top, etc. I scrubbed the counter tops down, applied RAID to non-food surfaces, threw out food that was open and therefore vulnerable to ants, etc. And in the end, I was out of breath and pooped, so I went to lay down. Mike, meanwhile, had gone to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

Once on the bed (brand new mattress that we bought just hours earlier), I felt a kick from inside. At first I thought, "what was that?" Then I felt another and figured it out. It was Poppy! I was finally feeling her kicks!

Mike happened to call home because he'd left something here, and I told him to come back and get it and that if he was lucky, he'd get to feel her kick, too. He came home and laid on the bed next to me, but no such luck. Poppy is only kicking for me at this point.

Still, it was very exciting. What a nice feeling!

A funk

Every so often, I battle a bout of depression. It's almost always the same. I get sad, I don't want to do anything. I curse my friends, who all suck. Well, I'm going through that now.

In about 2 weeks, I'll celebrate my 30th birthday. Well, let me rephrase that to say that in 2 weeks, I'll turn 30. I won't celebrate my birthday. My plans had been to go on a big trip, but that's not going to happen now that I'm pregnant with Poppy (and not now that we went on our babymoon and I don't have any vacation time left). Obviously, a big raging night of drinking is out, too. Getting dressed up and going somewhere fancy is out of the question-- what on earth would I wear? I'd be really happy, actually, with a night in with my friends, but my friends are all flakes. They're dispersed all over the country, and none of them are inclined to come to San Diego for a weekend. Even the one who lives in LA, only 2 short hours away.

These are the same friends who won't be throwing me a baby shower. I talked to my best friend (I feel silly calling her that right now as I'm put out with her) and was asking her opinion of where we should register-- Babies R Us or Amazon.com-- because Mike and I haven't been able to decide. I was NOT hinting about a shower, but I did mention that I didn't think I'd have one since everyone is far away and busy, and that my mom isn't the type to throw me one. She didn't say anything indicating an interest or desire to throw me one, which is fine, except it still hurts my feelings.

I also have been very frustrated with Mike lately for a number of reasons. He's driving me crazy. I don't feel like he wants me input on baby product purchasing, he is always pestering me for sex (which I have no interest in, though that's not the fault of the pregnancy, it was pretty much that was before, too). He is always going on and on about how much he does around the house, implying that I don't do anything. And the other day, when I talk the dog to the vet, he said, "how much did that cost me?" Excuse me, but I work and contribute to our household, too, and I don't appreciate that type of statement.

Mike asked me yesterday what I want to do to celebrate our one-year wedding anniversary, which is about a week after my birthday. Again, see the paragraphs above for reasons I don't want to do anything. All I've been thinking lately is, "why don't we get divorced?"

Oh, and I suggested to him the other day that he should think about getting a fuck buddy. Fort he last week or so, I've been thinking up rules that would make me more comfortable with it. Must be STD-free. Mike must not spend any money on him/her. There will be others, I'm sure. It just seems like if we do it this way, at least I'll have some control. Without it, or without my suddenly regaining an interest in sex, it's just a matter of time until he cheats on me. So here I am-- 29 years old, less than a year into my marriage, and pregnant to boot. No wonder I'm depressed.

Status update

Everything seems to be going well. I still haven't felt Poppy move, but maybe that's just not going to happen. Or maybe it will happen later. I guess I'll find out as time goes by.

It's amazing to me that in a couple of days, I'll be 21 weeks along. Halfway there! More than, in fact. Wow.

I'm trying not to be too crazy. Too emotional. To anything. I think it's going well, but I'm not sure what Mike would say if you ask him.

It looks like I'm slightly anemic. I've been very tired lately. I started taking my prenatal vitamins again, so I'm hoping the iron and folic acid in them will give me some energy. The gummie vites I'd been taking instead (because the prenates made me feel so sick) didn't have any iron in them...

But all in all, I'm trying to enjoy these moments and to talk to Poppy when I can, tell her I love her, and to try to be a good mom even at this point. It's kind of nice. I'm getting excited for January to roll around and the chance to meet my little girl!

Babies R' What?

Now that we know we're having a girl, we went to Babies R' Us to look a little more seriously at the various baby things we need to buy (or register for). Lots of cute things and lots of things that mystify me! Even with "Baby Bargains," our baby stuff-buying Bible, it's a lot to take in. Like bottles. How do I know what type and how many of bottles to get? And breast pumps? Don't get me started on them!

We have a game plan for the baby's room. We're going with a jungle theme. It will be unisex so that if Mike gets his way and we have a second kid, and if that kid is a boy, we'll be able to use the stuff again. Plus-- more importantly, actually-- there are just lots of cute jungle things out there! We bought a coloring book with a jungle theme and we're going to use that as a basis for a design that we'll project onto the wall as a stencil and then paint. We're going to do plain sheets and blankets mostly and accessorize with jungle-themed items (like a lamp, maybe, and a mobile).

A friend has offered to give us their crib, so we only need to buy a mattress and the bedding, plus a dresser (the top of which will be used as a changing table). Well, that and everything else a baby needs!

Halfway there!

I had another doctor's appointment on Thursday and while the doctor hadn't looked at the images from the ultrasound in great detail, she said if something had been obviously wrong, the tech would have called in a radiologist and they would have called her. So it's sort of a "no news is good news" situation. Same with the genetic testing.

Somehow the doctor and her office forgot to tell me I needed 2nd trimester blood work done for the genetic screening. I was surprised to get a letter when I got home at 7 p.m. on the 18th saying I needed to have the blood work done on/by the 20th or else they couldn't do any screening. I was NOT happy. It worked out fine and I was able to have it done on the 20th, after my prenatal appointment.

While I was there, the doctor also ordered some general blood and urine screening because I explained I've been a little tired, a little swollen, and sensitive to sugar. My results came back later that day and they all look sort of funky to me. My red blood count from the CBC was really low. That probably explains why I'm so exhausted all the time. I need to follow up with the doctor to see if I should be taking supplements or something.

In a concession to my health, and thinking of Poppy's, I went back to taking prenatal vitamins last night. The ones I was taking before made me really sick, so I switched to regular adult gummie vitamins. But the prenatal ones have more good stuff that I obviously need, so that's that.

I'm happy that everything is going well and amazed at how quickly the days have passed. I'm 20 weeks along today-- halfway there!

Great news!

Mike was late for our appointment. Well, he wasn't late, exactly. He was late for check-in, and they ended up taking me slightly early. He didn't miss anything. Just the least talkative technician in the world running his wand over my belly (and excruciatingly full bladder). Mike arrived, he watched. I couldn't see anything from where I was. I asked the guy, "is the baby still in there? Heart still beating?" He said yes, so that was a relief, but he didn't say ANYTHING else. Mike tried to ask the guy a question or two, but the tech just said, "you'll have to ask the doctor. I can't make any diagnoses." I don't want a diagnosis-- and by the way, does that mean something's wrong?!?-- but I'd love to know what you're looking at/for.

The tech took a million images. My bladder was threatening a revolt, so I got up and peed halfway through the exam. There was one image he was trying to get, but it took a long time. The tech kept pushing the wand into me harder and jostling me, to get the baby to change positions, I guess.

Then, finally, he turned the screen around so I could see. And what did I see? A little baby! Moving! In my belly! PHEW! He showed us head and profile and feet and arms and heartbeat... and... female genitalia! It's a girl!

He also moved the date up a bit, saying I'm really 20+ weeks along. Moved my due date from January 9, 2010 to December 29, 2009. By far, that's the easiest "week" of pregnancy I've had!

I'm off (in about a half hour) to another doctor's appointment, where we will review the sonogram images and I'll have some more blood work done. More on the blood work later.

Today's the day

Alright... today, at 4:45, is our appointment for the sonogram to find out the sex of the baby. I'm really nervous. I'm still not feeling what I can identify as movement. I hope everything is okay and the baby is still alive and is doing well. Never mind the sex! At this point, I want to see live, healthy baby.

More later.

Was that movement?

I'm now 19 weeks and 2 days along. According to the books I've read and people I've talked to, I should be feeling Poppy's movement any day now. Someone told me-- and this makes perfect sense, whether it's medically accurate or not-- that all my movement during the day lulls the baby to sleep, so my best chance of feeling Poppy move (for the time being) is at night. I've laid in bed for the past few nights trying to decide if I feel anything. And then anything I do feel, I think, "is that just stomach discomfort? Gas? Am I even feeling anything?" I've become fairly nervous, though I'm not having any cramps or bleeding, and have continued to have pregnancy symptoms like the occasional morning sickness and ligament pain and swollen feet. We go to the doctor on Wednesday to find out the sex of the baby through an ultrasound, so at least I'll be able to find out soon if everything looks the way it should. I actually also have an appointment on Thursday, just for a regular check up. Should be a Kaiser-filled week.

Resentment

The other night, Mike went over to a friend's house to work on a home improvement project. I knew he and the friend would end up drinking beer while working and that the chances Mike would come home tipsy were pretty good. I did not, however, expect that he was going to leave the friend's house (at 12:30 a.m., come to find out) and go to a local bar and hang out there until I called him at 2 a.m., and then somehow not get home until 2:45.

I last talked to him at a little before 10 p.m., so by the time it got to be 2 a.m., I was worried. Looking at the clock, I figured he'd gone to the bar, but I was still pissed off that he couldn't be bothered to text me or email me or call me to let me know. I also was pissed off that he was probably out there driving heavily impaired-- a stupid thing to do considering our child is on the way and it really would be best for all involved to have a two-parent family unit.

When I talked to him at 2, I was NOT a happy camper. I verified he was alive, could tell he was at a bar based on the noise, and then hung up. He called me back, I ignored the call. He called again, I ignored it again. And so on for about five minutes. When I finally picked up the phone, HE got mad at ME and yelled at me! "Why are you being like this?" "I'm mad that it's 2 and I haven't heard anything from you!" "What's the big deal?" Eventually, I hung up on him. When he came home, I pretended to be asleep and didn't talk to him.

I feel like his actions were really selfish. Selfish to go out and not think I might be worried. Selfish to be out drinking and driving. Selfish to not even consider that I can't just go out anymore and do whatever I want, and that I can't go have even one drink. I'm not sure if this is some sort of "last hurrah" before Settling Down into Family Life, but I'm resentful as hell.

Still alive

Mike and I went on a babymoon, hence the lack of posts. What a blissful experience! It was so nice to get away from it all for a while, and to stay in gorgeous hotels (that I didn't have to clean) and eat delicious food (that I didn't have to cook or clean up afterward)!

I am very lucky that my husband is really good to me. He is respectful of my limitations and thoughtful, and is sensitive to the fact that I don't always like asking for help or admitting I'm not physically up to something due to the pregnancy. We had a great trip, and it coincided with our 5-year anniversary, so that was fun, too.

Now that I'm back to the real world, things are going fine. I have two doctor's appointments next week: one regular checkup and the big sonogram to find out the sex of the baby. Unfortunately, I've read some posts lately on The Bump message board and watched some shows on TLC about unfortunate pregnancies, or children that have had trouble once they were born, so I'm feeling a little more anxious than usual. No more "The Child Frozen in Time" or "Sister Bond: Conjoined Twins" for me!

For the last two days, I've been having trouble breathing again. Not sure if Poppy moved and is sitting on/pushing against something involved respiration or what, but I don't like it! Other than that, and a short bout of morning sickness this morning, I'm feeling pretty good. I've been elevating my feet and being more conscious of how much standing I'm doing, so the foot swelling has lessened. I also have been trying (but not with much success, truth be told) to drink more water. I've gotta get better about that...

But other than that, I'm mostly excited and looking forward to finding out if Poppy is a boy or a girl!

Cramping?

I was scared when Rey humped on my belly, but that was nothing compared to this morning. I was driving to work and I started feeling a lot of discomfort in my abdomen an pain in my lower back.

I've never really had my period on a regular basis, so I'm never really sure what menstrual cramps feel like, but when I have had discomfort during my period, it's usually pain in my back. Now, given that all of the books I've read talk about menstrual cramp-like cramps being one of the signs of miscarriage, I got really freaked out. REALLY FREAKED OUT. Crying, pull off the freeway freaked out.

Mike and I talked and he gave me the old, "don't worry yourself sick" line, which didn't help at all. I realize that worrying doesn't help, but I can't just shut off my worry button. He suggested I call the nurse advice line, but I wasn't able to pinpoint or really describe the pains to Mike, so I knew I wouldn't do any better with the nurse and there wouldn't be anything he/she could do. Also, I know that before 20 weeks, the fetus isn't really viable, so it's not like they can deliver the baby and try to kep it alive in the NICU; they just have to let it go.

Instead of calling the nurse, I called Dr. Mom, a friend (who is not a doctor) who has been my guiding light and a huge source of information to me throughout this pregnancy. She also told me to calm down and suggested a whole list of other things it could be besides miscarriage. She suggested I go home, lay down, and put a warm cloth or heating pad (on low) on my back. I'd already decided to go home and so that's what I did.

As I type this, I'm propped up in bed. I have a pillow under my knees and am contemplating trying to find my heating pad. I put in a call to my boss to explain to him that I'm not coming in today so I can be close to the hospital, just in case, and I think he'll be understanding. My stomach isn't having discomfort anymore, and the pain is my back has dulled. I'm sure things will be fine, but it was very scary.

I am excited about this pregnancy and happy to be having a baby, but I didn't realize exactly how excited and how happy until I had this scare. I put my hand on my belly and said, "Poppy, you have to stay in there!" Hopefully Poppy will oblige.

The latest

Wow, it's been more than a week since I last wrote. Where does the time go? The scary thing is that it's going to go even faster once I have the baby!

I've noticed lately that my feet swell-- A LOT -- if I stand too much. At the end of the day, a couple of days ago, I looked down and my feet looked like sausages. Gross! I showed them to Mike, who commented on my cankles. Yup, I'd swollen p so much that my ankles had disappeared and started to blend into my calves. I'm trying to do a better job now of sitting more often and of elevating my feet.

One good thing that's come of all of this is that I feel pretty good about being bigger. I definitely am getting bigger and heavier, and sometimes I get a little down about it, but I also am happy and proud of my pregnant belly, which is home to a little person. I am surprised by it, actually. I have a maternity camisole and I feel pretty comfortable just wearing it around, even though it is form fitting and shows off my belly. Actually, I like it because it is form fitting and shows off my belly!

Sleep has gone by the wayside. Well, good sleep has, anyway. I get up frequently and get up a lot each night. Sometimes I feel exhausted but can't quite get to sleep, or I finally get to sleep but wake up a little bit later and can't go back to sleep. I took a nap at work the other day; balled up my jacket, laid on the floor under my desk, and woke up 25 minutes later when my phone started ringing. God, it was great.

I'm trying to stay hydrated but not doing that great of a job. I am procrastinating on starting to take my prenatal vitamins again, and instead keep taking my adult gummy vitamins. I haven't been eating particularly well, either. But I'm chugging along, and so is Poppy.

Near faint

It's summer. It's hot. Mike and I went to breakfast this morning, then stopped at some friends' house to see their new car. That entailed standing outside for a few minutes, but I tried to stay in the shade under a tree. We were heading to our next stop when we saw an old friend and pulled over to say hi. After talking for a few minutes, I started getting the strangest sensation.

I started seeing stars. My ears clogged up-- it was like trying to listen underwater. I felt really warm and weak and woozy. It was like I was on the verge of fainting. I told Mike and he hustled me to the car, put the A/C on full blast and ran to the store across the street to get me a big bottle of cold water. Once I sat down and caught my breath (I didn't feel it at the time, but I was having a sort of hard time breathing), I started feeling better, and once the air was one me, it was even better. The water also helped. My only thought was that I started to get a little heat exhaustion and/or dehydration and that my body was letting me know I needed to take it a little easier and drink some more fluids.

It was weird and it was scary. I'm so thankful we were close to the car (as opposed to across a big parking lot) and that there was a place with cold water nearby. It definitely was a reminder to take better care of myself-- and of Poppy-- in this hot summer weather.

Pain update

I didn't go tot he doctor on Tuesday. I also didn't go on Wednesday, though it started to hurt when I walked, too. I noticed that the pain definitely gets worse in the evenings, maybe because I've been moving around all day?

I was working from home today, so I decided I'd call the doctor and see if they thought I should go in. The bad thing about working 90 miles from home is that you're also 90 miles from your doctor, so spur of the moment appointments aren't that convenient.

Talked to the nurse, who asked me to describe the location pain. She asked me various questions (are you having spotting? how much water are you drinking? how would you rate the pain on a scale of 1-10?), relayed my answers to the doctor, and then relayed the doctor's wisdom to me. The result? Just as I suspected, it sounds like round ligament pain. I can take Tylenol for the pain if I want/need. I should drink more water. I should wear flat shoes. I should roll onto my side before getting up from laying down. I should cradle my belly when standing up from sitting. The last three of these things I've already been doing.

I was sure it was probably nothing but wanted to make sure they thought so, too, and I'm glad that was confirmed for me. The scary thing is that Poppy is going to keep getting bigger, which will make my uterus bigger and heavier, which will stretch the ligaments even more... .so this is probably something I should just get used to! ouch!

To go or not to go

I have had pain off and on on the other side of my baby bump. I've assumed it's ligament pain from my uterus growing and the muscles that support it stretching. It changes sides, and normally only bothers me when I stand up from sitting or when I roll over, etc. This evening, though, it's started to hurt on both sides, all the way across the bottom of my baby bump, and it's more intense than it has been. I'm not sure what's going on, and I can't decide if I should go to the doctor (which, at this point, would have to be the ER) or not. I could also wait until tomorrow and make an appointment for urgent care.

This is very difficult, because I don't want something to be really wrong and to put it off and end up losing the baby. I also don't want to be overly anxious or make a bigger deal out of this than it is. Mostly I'm concerned because the pain has grown in area and intensity. I'll probably stay home and suck it up.

Deja Vu

This morning, upon waking, I felt as sick as I did at the height of my morning sickness. I had some breakfast and immediately felt like throwing it up, though I didn't. I hoped it would subside as I was getting dressed and doing my morning routine, but it didn't, and I ended up driving to work with a plastic bag on my lap because I was afraid I was going to puke. That hasn't happened for a long time. I got to work and still felt crappy, went to an almost two hour-long meeting and still felt gross, and then came home. I finally began feeling better about 1 p.m., thank goodness. Hopefully this is a rarity and I'll go back to feeling good most of the day (followed by feeling good all day, I hope!).

Movement

I think I felt Poppy move today. I was laying in bed when I felt a twinge in my belly. I wondered, "is that the baby?!?" before thinking, "no, it must just be a muscle spasm." But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, "no, it didn't feel like a muscle spasm." Then, later in the day, I was getting a massage (heavenly!) and the masseuse asked if I'd felt my baby move. I told her the story and she said she felt her baby's first movements at 13 weeks, so it was entirely possible.

In one episode of "Friends," Phoebe sings, "Are you in there little fetus/in nine months will you come greet us/I will buy you some Adidas." I guess my little fetus is there and moving. I'd better get some Adidas!

Telling work: check!

Monday we had our doctor's appointment, and Tuesday I'd scheduled time with my boss (the CEO) and the Director of HR to let them in on our news. I was nervous. Not because they could do anything about it at this point (hello!) and not because I didn't think they'd be excited. It was mostly because that's a big thing to tell people!

Went into my boss' office. We made small talk for a couple of minutes, then I said, "I don't know exactly how to say this, so I'll just say it. I'm pregnant!" He congratulated me and got all excited and asked me a few (non-invasive, friendly) questions. He's very Christian and loves babies, and his son and daughter-in-law are pregnant right now with what's going to be his first grandchild, so he has baby fever. He told me stories from his wife's pregnancy and offered some fatherly advice. He also said, "I know I've only met Mike once or twice, but if he has any questions or wants to talk to me, please tell him to call me!" It was a very nice offer, but one I don't see us taking him up on. Ha ha.

So that was a relief. I then headed over to HR and had the same conversation with the HR director. I was concerned because I am due to deliver before my 1 year anniversary with my employer, so I'm not eligible for FMLA immediately, but it looks like that's actually going to work in my favor (contrary to what I thought a couple of months ago). I can start on Pregnancy Disability Leave (PDL), which usually runs concurrently with FMLA, but because I'm not eligible for FMLA, I can start on my PDL and then FMLA will kick in on the day of my 1 year anniversary (nearly 4 weeks after I'm due). I can use that and then get into CFRA (California law) baby bonding time, which apparently after I've taken 2 weeks of, I can decide to then use in day or week(s)-long increments. And the HR director said she'd work with me once it gets closer to run some numbers and do some calculations and figure out how to take my time so that I continue to have company-paid insurance (normally, when you're on unpaid leave, you have to pay your own premiums) and continue to accrue PTO (which would then help stretch out my leave)!

Yesterday, Wednesday, I called my team together and told them the news. They were very happy for me and excited, and the employee I'm closest to came up to me after the meeting and said, "I didn't want to do this out there, but I'm a girl, so give me a hug!" We hugged and she asked me questions and we talked about it. She said she thought I might be pregnant. She's very observant! Another of my employees said, "The important thing is not to get stressed, so put it on us. We're here for you," which I thought was the nicest thing ever.

It feels very good to have told people and to be able to have it out in the open now. I just have to keep this bun in my oven so I don't have to tell all these people any sort of bad news.

"Aww, congrats!"

It has been so fun to see the feedback from people about our news! Mike and I each posted on Facebook-- he "Mike is going to be a dad" and I "Music and Mike and baby makes three"-- and the comments started rolling in. Lots of "congrats," lots of "you're going to be great parents," etc. It was a reminder that there are a lot of people out there who love us, and that's always nice! Our baby is so lucky!

Thump thump

We had a little mix-up at the appointment today-- turns out I wasn't set for a sonogram at all. The receptionist was supposed to give me the info and instructions to schedule an appointment with radiology at 20 weeks for my sonogram, but instead, she gave it to me and told me it was for my appointment today. I was annoyed, but what can you do?

At today's appointment, I got to see a doctor, who I really liked. She's very nice, very personable. Answered all of my questions and then some. I'll get to continue seeing her throughout the rest of my pregnancy, though she most likely won't be there for delivery.

Anyway. At today's appointment, we heard the baby's heart beat! It was ticking away strongly and quickly. Hard to believe there's a baby in my belly!

Today's appointment was the one I was waiting for, and now we can start telling people. Mike's called each of his grandmas-- in fact, he's on the phone with one as I type-- and I'll call the few friends on my list (my best friends know, and most of my other friends will get an email or will see it on Facebook).