Kicking

I was exhausted this afternoon from another day of fighting with my husband and two hours of intensive kitchen cleaning. It's so hot the ants have decided to invade, and they were all over everything in the kitchen-- the walls, the fruit in the fruit bowl, inside some of the cabinets, on the counter top, etc. I scrubbed the counter tops down, applied RAID to non-food surfaces, threw out food that was open and therefore vulnerable to ants, etc. And in the end, I was out of breath and pooped, so I went to lay down. Mike, meanwhile, had gone to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

Once on the bed (brand new mattress that we bought just hours earlier), I felt a kick from inside. At first I thought, "what was that?" Then I felt another and figured it out. It was Poppy! I was finally feeling her kicks!

Mike happened to call home because he'd left something here, and I told him to come back and get it and that if he was lucky, he'd get to feel her kick, too. He came home and laid on the bed next to me, but no such luck. Poppy is only kicking for me at this point.

Still, it was very exciting. What a nice feeling!

A funk

Every so often, I battle a bout of depression. It's almost always the same. I get sad, I don't want to do anything. I curse my friends, who all suck. Well, I'm going through that now.

In about 2 weeks, I'll celebrate my 30th birthday. Well, let me rephrase that to say that in 2 weeks, I'll turn 30. I won't celebrate my birthday. My plans had been to go on a big trip, but that's not going to happen now that I'm pregnant with Poppy (and not now that we went on our babymoon and I don't have any vacation time left). Obviously, a big raging night of drinking is out, too. Getting dressed up and going somewhere fancy is out of the question-- what on earth would I wear? I'd be really happy, actually, with a night in with my friends, but my friends are all flakes. They're dispersed all over the country, and none of them are inclined to come to San Diego for a weekend. Even the one who lives in LA, only 2 short hours away.

These are the same friends who won't be throwing me a baby shower. I talked to my best friend (I feel silly calling her that right now as I'm put out with her) and was asking her opinion of where we should register-- Babies R Us or Amazon.com-- because Mike and I haven't been able to decide. I was NOT hinting about a shower, but I did mention that I didn't think I'd have one since everyone is far away and busy, and that my mom isn't the type to throw me one. She didn't say anything indicating an interest or desire to throw me one, which is fine, except it still hurts my feelings.

I also have been very frustrated with Mike lately for a number of reasons. He's driving me crazy. I don't feel like he wants me input on baby product purchasing, he is always pestering me for sex (which I have no interest in, though that's not the fault of the pregnancy, it was pretty much that was before, too). He is always going on and on about how much he does around the house, implying that I don't do anything. And the other day, when I talk the dog to the vet, he said, "how much did that cost me?" Excuse me, but I work and contribute to our household, too, and I don't appreciate that type of statement.

Mike asked me yesterday what I want to do to celebrate our one-year wedding anniversary, which is about a week after my birthday. Again, see the paragraphs above for reasons I don't want to do anything. All I've been thinking lately is, "why don't we get divorced?"

Oh, and I suggested to him the other day that he should think about getting a fuck buddy. Fort he last week or so, I've been thinking up rules that would make me more comfortable with it. Must be STD-free. Mike must not spend any money on him/her. There will be others, I'm sure. It just seems like if we do it this way, at least I'll have some control. Without it, or without my suddenly regaining an interest in sex, it's just a matter of time until he cheats on me. So here I am-- 29 years old, less than a year into my marriage, and pregnant to boot. No wonder I'm depressed.

Status update

Everything seems to be going well. I still haven't felt Poppy move, but maybe that's just not going to happen. Or maybe it will happen later. I guess I'll find out as time goes by.

It's amazing to me that in a couple of days, I'll be 21 weeks along. Halfway there! More than, in fact. Wow.

I'm trying not to be too crazy. Too emotional. To anything. I think it's going well, but I'm not sure what Mike would say if you ask him.

It looks like I'm slightly anemic. I've been very tired lately. I started taking my prenatal vitamins again, so I'm hoping the iron and folic acid in them will give me some energy. The gummie vites I'd been taking instead (because the prenates made me feel so sick) didn't have any iron in them...

But all in all, I'm trying to enjoy these moments and to talk to Poppy when I can, tell her I love her, and to try to be a good mom even at this point. It's kind of nice. I'm getting excited for January to roll around and the chance to meet my little girl!

Babies R' What?

Now that we know we're having a girl, we went to Babies R' Us to look a little more seriously at the various baby things we need to buy (or register for). Lots of cute things and lots of things that mystify me! Even with "Baby Bargains," our baby stuff-buying Bible, it's a lot to take in. Like bottles. How do I know what type and how many of bottles to get? And breast pumps? Don't get me started on them!

We have a game plan for the baby's room. We're going with a jungle theme. It will be unisex so that if Mike gets his way and we have a second kid, and if that kid is a boy, we'll be able to use the stuff again. Plus-- more importantly, actually-- there are just lots of cute jungle things out there! We bought a coloring book with a jungle theme and we're going to use that as a basis for a design that we'll project onto the wall as a stencil and then paint. We're going to do plain sheets and blankets mostly and accessorize with jungle-themed items (like a lamp, maybe, and a mobile).

A friend has offered to give us their crib, so we only need to buy a mattress and the bedding, plus a dresser (the top of which will be used as a changing table). Well, that and everything else a baby needs!

Halfway there!

I had another doctor's appointment on Thursday and while the doctor hadn't looked at the images from the ultrasound in great detail, she said if something had been obviously wrong, the tech would have called in a radiologist and they would have called her. So it's sort of a "no news is good news" situation. Same with the genetic testing.

Somehow the doctor and her office forgot to tell me I needed 2nd trimester blood work done for the genetic screening. I was surprised to get a letter when I got home at 7 p.m. on the 18th saying I needed to have the blood work done on/by the 20th or else they couldn't do any screening. I was NOT happy. It worked out fine and I was able to have it done on the 20th, after my prenatal appointment.

While I was there, the doctor also ordered some general blood and urine screening because I explained I've been a little tired, a little swollen, and sensitive to sugar. My results came back later that day and they all look sort of funky to me. My red blood count from the CBC was really low. That probably explains why I'm so exhausted all the time. I need to follow up with the doctor to see if I should be taking supplements or something.

In a concession to my health, and thinking of Poppy's, I went back to taking prenatal vitamins last night. The ones I was taking before made me really sick, so I switched to regular adult gummie vitamins. But the prenatal ones have more good stuff that I obviously need, so that's that.

I'm happy that everything is going well and amazed at how quickly the days have passed. I'm 20 weeks along today-- halfway there!

Great news!

Mike was late for our appointment. Well, he wasn't late, exactly. He was late for check-in, and they ended up taking me slightly early. He didn't miss anything. Just the least talkative technician in the world running his wand over my belly (and excruciatingly full bladder). Mike arrived, he watched. I couldn't see anything from where I was. I asked the guy, "is the baby still in there? Heart still beating?" He said yes, so that was a relief, but he didn't say ANYTHING else. Mike tried to ask the guy a question or two, but the tech just said, "you'll have to ask the doctor. I can't make any diagnoses." I don't want a diagnosis-- and by the way, does that mean something's wrong?!?-- but I'd love to know what you're looking at/for.

The tech took a million images. My bladder was threatening a revolt, so I got up and peed halfway through the exam. There was one image he was trying to get, but it took a long time. The tech kept pushing the wand into me harder and jostling me, to get the baby to change positions, I guess.

Then, finally, he turned the screen around so I could see. And what did I see? A little baby! Moving! In my belly! PHEW! He showed us head and profile and feet and arms and heartbeat... and... female genitalia! It's a girl!

He also moved the date up a bit, saying I'm really 20+ weeks along. Moved my due date from January 9, 2010 to December 29, 2009. By far, that's the easiest "week" of pregnancy I've had!

I'm off (in about a half hour) to another doctor's appointment, where we will review the sonogram images and I'll have some more blood work done. More on the blood work later.

Today's the day

Alright... today, at 4:45, is our appointment for the sonogram to find out the sex of the baby. I'm really nervous. I'm still not feeling what I can identify as movement. I hope everything is okay and the baby is still alive and is doing well. Never mind the sex! At this point, I want to see live, healthy baby.

More later.

Was that movement?

I'm now 19 weeks and 2 days along. According to the books I've read and people I've talked to, I should be feeling Poppy's movement any day now. Someone told me-- and this makes perfect sense, whether it's medically accurate or not-- that all my movement during the day lulls the baby to sleep, so my best chance of feeling Poppy move (for the time being) is at night. I've laid in bed for the past few nights trying to decide if I feel anything. And then anything I do feel, I think, "is that just stomach discomfort? Gas? Am I even feeling anything?" I've become fairly nervous, though I'm not having any cramps or bleeding, and have continued to have pregnancy symptoms like the occasional morning sickness and ligament pain and swollen feet. We go to the doctor on Wednesday to find out the sex of the baby through an ultrasound, so at least I'll be able to find out soon if everything looks the way it should. I actually also have an appointment on Thursday, just for a regular check up. Should be a Kaiser-filled week.

Resentment

The other night, Mike went over to a friend's house to work on a home improvement project. I knew he and the friend would end up drinking beer while working and that the chances Mike would come home tipsy were pretty good. I did not, however, expect that he was going to leave the friend's house (at 12:30 a.m., come to find out) and go to a local bar and hang out there until I called him at 2 a.m., and then somehow not get home until 2:45.

I last talked to him at a little before 10 p.m., so by the time it got to be 2 a.m., I was worried. Looking at the clock, I figured he'd gone to the bar, but I was still pissed off that he couldn't be bothered to text me or email me or call me to let me know. I also was pissed off that he was probably out there driving heavily impaired-- a stupid thing to do considering our child is on the way and it really would be best for all involved to have a two-parent family unit.

When I talked to him at 2, I was NOT a happy camper. I verified he was alive, could tell he was at a bar based on the noise, and then hung up. He called me back, I ignored the call. He called again, I ignored it again. And so on for about five minutes. When I finally picked up the phone, HE got mad at ME and yelled at me! "Why are you being like this?" "I'm mad that it's 2 and I haven't heard anything from you!" "What's the big deal?" Eventually, I hung up on him. When he came home, I pretended to be asleep and didn't talk to him.

I feel like his actions were really selfish. Selfish to go out and not think I might be worried. Selfish to be out drinking and driving. Selfish to not even consider that I can't just go out anymore and do whatever I want, and that I can't go have even one drink. I'm not sure if this is some sort of "last hurrah" before Settling Down into Family Life, but I'm resentful as hell.

Still alive

Mike and I went on a babymoon, hence the lack of posts. What a blissful experience! It was so nice to get away from it all for a while, and to stay in gorgeous hotels (that I didn't have to clean) and eat delicious food (that I didn't have to cook or clean up afterward)!

I am very lucky that my husband is really good to me. He is respectful of my limitations and thoughtful, and is sensitive to the fact that I don't always like asking for help or admitting I'm not physically up to something due to the pregnancy. We had a great trip, and it coincided with our 5-year anniversary, so that was fun, too.

Now that I'm back to the real world, things are going fine. I have two doctor's appointments next week: one regular checkup and the big sonogram to find out the sex of the baby. Unfortunately, I've read some posts lately on The Bump message board and watched some shows on TLC about unfortunate pregnancies, or children that have had trouble once they were born, so I'm feeling a little more anxious than usual. No more "The Child Frozen in Time" or "Sister Bond: Conjoined Twins" for me!

For the last two days, I've been having trouble breathing again. Not sure if Poppy moved and is sitting on/pushing against something involved respiration or what, but I don't like it! Other than that, and a short bout of morning sickness this morning, I'm feeling pretty good. I've been elevating my feet and being more conscious of how much standing I'm doing, so the foot swelling has lessened. I also have been trying (but not with much success, truth be told) to drink more water. I've gotta get better about that...

But other than that, I'm mostly excited and looking forward to finding out if Poppy is a boy or a girl!