On my mother

So 15 years ago, I heard my parents fighting. My mom was yelling at my dad and said something about "when I was selling pussy for you." Obviously that means my mom was a hooker at some point, and I'm guessing that means my dad was her pimp. It may also mean that she was trying to make money for him for something. I'm not sure. I never asked. In fact, I've spent 15 years trying to forget I heard that.

Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.

Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.

We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.

I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.

I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.

Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.

--Michaela is doing great on the food front. She's eating solids and loving them. She has had avocado, eggs, cottage cheese, oatmeal, green beans, carrots, bananas, butternut squash, watermelon, and peas. Her favorites are squash, peas, carrots and bananas. Anything sweet, basically.

--She has taken two baths in the real bath tub. She loves the water. Very unlike her mommy. Her grandma (Mike's mom) is visiting, and gave Michaela her first bath in the bath tub. Michaela splashed and screamed with joy and was really upset when it was time to get out. I was actually disappointed (though I didn't say anything), because I'd been looking forward to giving her her first bath in the tub. I almost did last week, but ended up doing something else, and just like that, the first time was gone. I did give Michaela a bath tonight, and it was nice.

--Grandma also put Michaela on the swing for the first time (another thing I was looking forward to doing). I also didn't say anything about being disappointed about that. It wouldn't have helped.

--Michaela bit the crap out of my nose the other day, and then poked me in the left eye. Later, she poked me in the right eye. Being a mom is hard!

--Mike continues to drive me crazy, off and on. But I have tried to seem excited when he wants to have sex, and when we do, it puts him in a better mood, which is good. I'm still not much in the mood for sex, but it is hurting a little bit less now, at least.

--Today I went and got a new bra. A real, non-nursing bra. It's sort of weird! 1) It feels so constricting, after wearing a nursing bra. This has underwire and a real hook and all that jazz. The nursing bra is just a cotton thing that barely holds up my boobs.

--Speaking of, my boobs are smaller (yeah!), but saggier. The density has changed. They're less full now. It's weird. So the bra I was wearing before was an H cup, and the one I bought today is a DD. Also, my ribs seem to have expanded slightly, and I'm fleshier than I was before. I stood in the fitting room today, looking at myself in only my bra, and I was disgusted. I need to do something to try to tone up some. I'm giggly and loose and flabby, and I don't like it.

--Also, as I pump less, I'm going to burn fewer calories, so all my eating is going to make me fat(ter). I don't want that!

--My boss is pregnant. I'm so happy for her! She's had a lot of issues and I'm just hoping she can keep this baby. I wish there was something I could do to make that happen, but of course there isn't.

--Speaking of new babies. When I told him my boss is pregnant, he said, "I was thinking we should get started on number two." I wanted to kill him. At the time, Michaela was fussing. Who wants to have another kid when I already have one who cries? Also, it's easy for him to say that. He's not the one who would have to carry and then push out the second kid!

--Though I do want to give Michaela a sibling. I love my brother, and our relationship, and I want her to enjoy that type of relationship, too. But I would like to have my body back to myself for just a little while. Like, to stop pumping and to be able to enjoy that for a bit before having to worry about becoming the host for another being.

--Now that Michaela is eating solids, she's having real poop. Have I mentioned I don't like cloth diapers?

--I booked tickets to go see my best friend in Chicago in September. Michaela and I are going to go and Mike is going to stay home. I'm nervous to travel on a plane without Mike, especially since Michaela will be too big to put in the Baby Bjorn. How am I going to carry her and all our stuff? Oy. I guess that's what curbside check in is for. My BFF had twin girls a few months ago, so it will be the first chance for our daughters to meet. I can't wait.

--One more complaint? Mike's mom helped us get Michaela's room ready before she was born. And she did an amazing job. The room only got done because of her help, and I am so thankful for her. But I guess she and Mike decided they wanted to do some additional painting in there and have planned to do so tomorrow. I don't want them to do anything to the room! It's perfect the way it is, and I don't think trying to do more is going to work out well. But I guess we'll see.

Oh my goodness, so much time has passed. I'm still here Still alive, still blogging. I've just been busy, between work and baby and life and vacations. Quick update.

--Things with Mike have been better. I'm trying to focus more on the good things and less on the bad ones, and see if I can recapture the love I had. We had sex yesterday for the first time in probably 6 weeks. Eek. But it was nice, and he was happy.

--I had my 6-month post-partum checkup with the OB and talked to her about the physical pain I was having during sex. She did an exam and clued right in on where the pain was. My skin did something weird when growing back from the stitching, so she gave me a steroid cream to use. It gave me some other discomfort, so I didn't use it the full time I was supposed to. I probably should, though, because it still hurt (though not as much) when Mike and I had sex yesterday.

--Michaela is doing GREAT! She's enormous-- tall and heavy. She is eating solid foods now. She's has avocado, banana, green beans, butternut squash, carrots, and, as of today, cottage cheese. Banana is her favorite; green beans are her least favorite. She has two teeth now that have broken the gums. She's sitting up very well, and is so curious about the world around her.

--With her new solid food consumption, Michaela isn't drinking as much breast milk, so I don't have to pump as often. I am now not getting up in the middle of the night to pump, which is fabulous. She sleeps through the night and now I can, too!

--Work is going great. I was working really, really long days on a project for weeks, a month or two ago, but now it's calmed down and I'm back to my normal schedule.

--We went on vacation to visit Mike's family and had a blast. It was one of the best vacations I've eve had, hands down. The grandparents and uncles and aunt were excited to see Michaela, and we had a really nice week relaxing and spending time together. It's going to become an annual tradition, and I have to say, I can't wait!

--I'm looking at hiring someone to take care of the baby one day a week. My mom is going to take her on Thursdays for the next 11 weeks while Mike teaches a morning class, but I still feel like it would be good to have help another day a week so he can concentrate on his business. I need to do some research to see what questions one should ask a potential baby sitter/nanny.

--Mike's mom and stepdad are coming to visit in two weeks. His mom just retired, so she's going to stay for about 10 days. Then her hubby will come and they'll watch Michaela while Mike and I head to Northern California for a friend's wedding. Should be a nice getaway.

--My best friend lives in Chicago and had twins about 2.5 months ago. I'm going to go visit her sometime in the next couple of months. It'll just be me and Michaela, but it should be a blast. Another friend just moved there, too, so I'll also get to see her while we're out. Just need to find a date and book my tix!

--We're talking about doing a cruise in October with Mike's mom and stepdad or mom and grandma (his grandpa died a few months ago). It would be a cruise we've done before, but still, a fun trip. This year has involved a lot of travel!

--I continue to suffer form itching when I get too hot. apparently that's here to stay. When I exercise or when it's warm out, or if I stay in the hot shower too long... BAM! Itchy rash. Ugh!

--My birthday is in about two months. I've gotta decide what to do. My treat to myself may be my trip to Chicago. And that's okay. Michaela's 1st birthday is 5 months from today (I know! How is it possible my baby is 7 months old?!?) and I'm trying to decide what we should do to celebrate it. Since Mike's family is split (mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom), it's a little more awkward, and since it's so close to Christmas, there are other considerations. I'm thinking we may just do something small-- like we'll do a cake for Michaela and invite my parents and invite all of Mike's parents-- and tell any family members who live somewhere else they're welcome to join us for Christmas if they want. I don't think anyone will-- Mike's mom and stepdad will have just been out in October, and with Mike's grandpa having passed away, they won't leave his grandma; and Mike's dad and stepmom have talked about coming in February or March, so they probably wouldn't come twice in such a short period of time-- but it's nice to offer and to get it on the calendar.

That's all for now. I will try to return to my days of being good about posting. I know someday, I'll look back at this and be really happy I documented my thoughts and the things that were happening in our lives. So I just need to make the time for it!