Goodnight, moon

It's been five days and I still seem to be pregnant (based on the morning sickness I have had for the last few days). So that's good, and for the moment, I don't have to worry about being upset with our dog.

As I've mentioned, I'm starting to have some sleep issues. I have been drinking more water, so I usually get up to pee in the middle of the night. In the middle of the night, lately, I've gotten really hot-- so hot I drip sweat-- and that wakes me up. I also toss and turn all night (from side to side) so I can try to find a comfortable sleeping position. And our dog has been sleeping in our bed lately and once he's asleep, he doesn't like to move much, so I often find myself trapped in a small corner of the bed. To top it all off, my lovely husband loves to spoon and snuggle. All the things I described above make me not fun to spoon or snuggle, and it makes it not fun for me to do so, either. I have been having fantasies lately of sleeping on the couch or on the guest bed, but Mike would be hurt by that and I don't want to hurt him, so I just try to suck it up.

Well, last night Mike and I got into a fight. It was small and it was over something stupid, but somehow it turned into me going to bed in our bed and him sleeping on the couch. I woke up at 3 a.m. and realized it was just me and the dog in bed. I felt guilty for a moment and thought, "I should go get Mike, tell him to come to bed." Then I thought, "Fuck that! This is my chance to spread out!" And so I did, and in the process had the best night's sleep I've had in weeks.

I'm not saying I'm going to start picking fights with Mike just so I can get sleep, but... if I get really desperate, at least now I have the option!

Worrisome Moment

On Sunday, I was laying on the ground and our dog jumped onto my belly. He is a rambunctious little pup, about 20-22 pounds, and of course he didn't do it to purposely hurt me and Poppy. Nonetheless, I was really freaked out. I immediately googled "dog jumped on pregnant belly" and found a whole bunch of other posts, which were generally reassuring. People said it had happened to them and that they were fine, and that the baby is surrounded by a lot of fluid, and that as long as there wasn't any cramping or bleeding, it should be fine, but of course to check with a doctor if you're still really freaked out. I laid down and rested for a few hours and have felt fine since, but it still was a really scary moment. My next doctor's appointment is on July 6 and I'm hoping I'll get in there and everything will be fine. If it's not fine, I know I'll think back to the dog jumping on me and I'll spend the rest of my life thinking about the pounce that cost me my baby. Oy.

Flight 187

This morning, as I kissed a sleeping Mike goodbye and got ready to leave for work, he murmured, "sometimes I feel like I'm sleeping in an airport." That was a reference to the fact that I got up twice in the middle of the night to pee and once to shoo away the 2 cats having loud sex directly outside our bedroom window. The only reason the cats bothered me is that I was awake (because I was having trouble sleeping) and the noise made it impossible for me to fall back asleep.

When he said that, I wanted to kill him. But I didn't. I thought mean thoughts to myself ("You did this to me, fucker!") and left. I mentioned to him a couple of hours ago that I wanted to talk to him about it and we had a little chat.

I explained that I am really uncomfortable. That I have a hard time finding a position that is restful. That I have hot flashes and sweat like a pig in the middle of the night. That there's pressure on my bladder and that I have to get up frequently to pee. That when he wants to snuggle and insists I sleep a certain way so he can spoon me or I can spoon him, I end up getting cricks in my neck or my limbs fall asleep. To summarize, I explained, if he's having a hard time sleeping because I'm tossing and turning, IMAGINE HOW I FEEL!

He totally got it and apologized. He said "it's a nice airport," which lightened the mood a bit. I think he'll think twice before making a comment like that again, even if he thinks it, and that's good enough for me.

Belly

I am starting to get wider, as I've mentioned, and I'm starting to get a little bit of a belly. Since I'm relatively early in the process, I tend to think, though, that it's my intestines and bowels being shifted around by my growing uterus, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, I'm having a really hard time finding clothes to wear to work!

None of my pants close around my waist, but that's what belly bands are for. I'm having more difficulty on top. None of my button up shirts go around me anymore. None of my tanktops are big enough, and they're all on the shorter side, so they ride up and expose my stomach. Today I needed to look nice for work and I picked out a wrap dress that I thought would accommodate me, but when I put it on this morning, it looked really stupid. Too small. I tried on a few other things and none of them fit, so I ended up going with my only sheath dress that still fits (but only barely) and a loose cardigan on top.

On my way home today, I stopped at the Motherhood Maternity outlet to see if I could find a few pieces that would get me through this awkward stage. Once I tell my work, I will feel better about wearing maternity clothes (e.g., smocky, empire waisted tops and rotating through only a few pairs of pants), but at this point, since I haven't told them, I'm trying to keep my wardrobe as close to my normal clothes as possible. Plus I'm conscious of that fact that I'm only going to get bigger and I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff that's just going to be too small in a week or two (although I think that's probably part of the process of being pregnant and wearing clothes).

I ended up getting 2 sweaters-- an oatmeal-colored short-sleeved cardigan and an open sort of duster in a pretty teal color-- a button up shirt that has room in it for my boobs and belly, and three pair of capri pants with elastic waistbands. I got a brown pair, a black pair, and a white pair, and my plan is to wear those all summer. I also got a pair of gray pants that have an elastic band. All that for $150, which doesn't seem too bad to me considering I tried to buy things in sizes such that I'd be able to wear them for a while (for example, I bought large pants, not medium).

I also saw a denim skirt that I liked, but it was $35 and I couldn't bring myself to spend the extra money.

I'm so excited to be able to get up tomorrow morning and put on my clothes and not be uncomfortable or worry about a wardrobe malfunction!

Principle of the Matter

My midwife at Kaiser has referred me to an OB because my blood pressure is high. It's a precaution, and it may only be occasional (I may still have some appointments with the midwife), but I'm happy that I'll actually be seeing a doctor. She asked if I had a regular gynecologist, which was hilarious, because, hello! I am a Kaiser patient, of course I don't! They try to keep patients away from (expensive) doctors! So she said she'd assign me to an OB and asked if I had a gender preference.

From what I've read and heard, there is a real shortage of males OBGYNs. Lots of women prefer to see women OBGYNs and men have sort of been pushed out of the specialty. That bothers me, because it smacks of gender discrimination. I can understand it-- wanting someone with smaller hands, which tends to make people think women, or feeling more comfortable with having someone of your same gender-- but I still don't like it. So when she asked, I wanted to say "I want a man!" Then I started thinking, though, "isn't it gender discrimination to pick a man BECAUSE he's a man?" Ha.

So in the end, I said I didn't care. I ended up with a woman OB, who I will see for the first time on July 6.

Finally, excitement

Now that I've been feeling better for the last few days (with a few exceptions, such as my dry heaving last night and my headache today), I am finally getting excited about this baby. When I was driving to work yesterday, this warm feeling came over me and I put my hand on my belly and thought, "Wow! How cool is it that there's a little person in there?!?" I'm happy to finally be happy. It felt like a long time coming, which made me feel a little guilty.

Spreading hips

I'm an hourglass in that I'm bigger on top and bottom than in the middle, but in terms of proportion, I'm built almost like an inverted triangle, with broad shoulders and hips that are smaller than my bust measurement.

This morning Mike said to me, "I notice your hips are getting wider. You're like a baby chute!"

I don't mind that my hips are getting wider, but I think I would if I were pear shaped. Is that bad of me?

Feeling good

I felt a lot better today than I have in ages. I woke up this morning and didn't want to puke immediately, and I wasn't exhausted even after sleeping more than 9 hours. I was in such a good mood that Mike noticed and asked about it. I explained to him that I didn't feel like crap and that it was a nice change.

I felt mostly okay throughout the day, except for a few times when my stomach got too empty and I got choked up. Sometimes every breath I take feels like I'm on the verge of vomiting and it makes even talking difficult. I noticed it happens when I'm on the phone for a long time, but I'm not sure what that's about.

In front of a studio audience

I came up with a good analogy today as I was dressing for work. Each morning, I have a more and more difficult time getting ready, as my clothes get smaller and smaller. I've been wearing my belly band to make up for my pants not closing anymore, but my shirts are getting small, too, so it's hard to find things that 1) go around my top half and 2) don't cling too closely to my belly. Anyway... so it dawned on me this morning that I feel like a pregnant actress on a sitcom that has decided not to incorporate the pregnancy into the storyline. Like what they did with the Daphne character on friends. In the show, they gave her a huge appetite and made all these jokes about her binging all the time. I feel like that when I go to work! Like I'm getting bigger and bigger and no one is supposed to notice, or like my coworkers are supposed to think that I'm just getting fat. Not that it matters, really; who cares why my colleagues think I'm getting bigger? But it's like a comedy that only I am privy to. Me and the studio audience, that is.

Swamp mouth

I think the nasty taste in my mouth is God's way of telling me not to eat sugar. I notice it's worst after I eat something sweet, and then it tends to linger. Maybe it's an ant-gestational diabetes thing. Or maybe it's just something gross I have to deal with for the next few months!

January 9, 2010

The doctor's appointment went well yesterday. I was weighed, we went over my health questionnaire. The nurse midwife I was on track to see (lovely Kaiser) suggested I see a doctor for my next appointment because of my blood pressure, which is high. Depending on how that goes, I may continue to see him/her (how sad is it that I don't know who I'll be seeing, or their gender?), or I may go back to the nurse midwife.

We did a sonogram to date the pregnancy. As of yesterday, I was 8 weeks and 2 days along! The baby looks healthy, the heartbeat was visible (though I couldn't see it because I didn't have my glasses on), we're on track.

I wish I was further along, though, so my stupid morning sickness and fatigue would go away. I had been thinking I was about 10 weeks along, hoping for 11, but telling myself to be happy with 8 so I wouldn't be disappointed if that was the case. As it turns out, that is the case, and I'm dealing with it okay. I spent all day feeling pukey, like I was on the verge of throwing up every few minutes, but I guess that's just additional proof that the bun in my oven is baking.

I will say, it was cool to see the baby inside of me. I didn't know what to expect, in terms of how I would feel about it, but I definitely felt a little wave of pride and happiness. Mike did, too.

I have to go back in 5 more weeks, plus go in for some blood work in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, we continue to read our books and look at baby gear (we've been hot on the trail of cribs lately). I also still have to tell my dad the news, but I'm hoping to do that this weekend. So lots of excitement to come!