Two other things I want to write about soon:
Freaked out baby, frustrated mom. Separation anxiety?
Pregnant? Nope.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Latest
The weeks since I last wrote have been crazy.
Mike and I had a really rough stretch. REALLY ROUGH. Like, "oh my god, I have to get out of this relationship NOW" rough. Sometimes I get so angry. I'm not sure why I have so much anger bottled up inside me. When it happens, I just want to provoke him and I say really mean, hurtful things, intentionally, just to get a rise out of him. I just want to make him react. I'm not sure if it's a test, to see if he really loves me or what. It's sort of weird to do that when I've come to the decision that I love him but am not in love with him. Maybe it's a sign that I am in love with him. Or maybe it's just a sign that I'm a big bitch.
I have been thinking seriously about therapy. I think we should have some, but I also think I should have some. I go through periodic bouts of depression, and while I don't feel like this is one of those, I would like to get to the bottom of why I have so much anger. Where does it come from and what can I do about it?
Michaela has been great. She is going through a growth spurt, I think. She's been drinking a lot and has even awakened a couple of times each night, hungry. She doesn't usually do that. We started giving her solid food a couple of days ago. We began with avocado, which she doesn't seem to like very much. We just give her a little bit, once a day, mostly to get her used to the idea of eating real food.
I had to turn in my hospital grade pump, finally. I rented it for one month, waaaay back in December. I got an extension that took me to February, then a special one that took me to mid-March. For some reason, the final extension didn't make it into the computer, so the med device company called me, I told them to check with my doctor's office and get back to me. They didn't get back to me for a long time. Like until mid-April. We had some mis-communication then, so when all was said and done, they didn't contact me to get back the pump until mid-May. Total cost for five months of Lactina Select pump rental? $18. Yup.
I miss the pump, though. My Pump in Style is fine for on-the-go, but since I am an exclusive pumper, I definitely miss the higher powered hospital grade pump. The other thing I miss about having the Lactina is that I could keep my PIS ready for travel, because it wasn't my primary pump. Before I could just grab it and go, more or less. Now that I only have the PIS, anytime I go anywhere (like out for the day, or traveling), I have to pack it up, make sure I have everything, take it with me, bring it back, unpack it.
Speaking of traveling, I have to go away next month for three days for work. The good thing is, this time I think I will be much less agonized about it. I'm looking forward to some me time, even if I will be sharing a suite with some of my coworkers. My college roommate lives near where I'll be, so we're going to get together for dinner, which is a nice treat. I don't get to see her anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Getting to do it on my company's dime is awesome.
She and her husband are trying to get pregnant, without any luck. I feel really bad for her. Wish there was something I could do. But there isn't, except being a good friend and listening when she wants to talk. (Or in our case, since we do more emailing than phone talking, replying thoughtfully when she writes.)
My best friend, who had twins about a month ago, seems to be doing well. I am so excited to meet the babies. Not sure when that will be, given that we live 1500 miles apart. It makes me miss the good old days of college, when we all lived down the hall from each other.
Speaking of college, last weekend was my 10 year college reunion. I didn't go, because I keep in touch with the people I want to keep in touch with. Still. It's weird to think I've been out of college for TEN YEARS. Wow.
I've been out of high school even longer, obviously. But the thing about Facebook is that I feel so much closer to my high school (and junior high school) friends! I'm actually really excited for our next reunion-- which will be a 20 year reunion, in 6 more years-- because with FB, I know what they're up to, and we share stories and pictures of our kids. I know the 6 years will go by really quickly, too...
That's all for now. More soon, I hope.
Mike and I had a really rough stretch. REALLY ROUGH. Like, "oh my god, I have to get out of this relationship NOW" rough. Sometimes I get so angry. I'm not sure why I have so much anger bottled up inside me. When it happens, I just want to provoke him and I say really mean, hurtful things, intentionally, just to get a rise out of him. I just want to make him react. I'm not sure if it's a test, to see if he really loves me or what. It's sort of weird to do that when I've come to the decision that I love him but am not in love with him. Maybe it's a sign that I am in love with him. Or maybe it's just a sign that I'm a big bitch.
I have been thinking seriously about therapy. I think we should have some, but I also think I should have some. I go through periodic bouts of depression, and while I don't feel like this is one of those, I would like to get to the bottom of why I have so much anger. Where does it come from and what can I do about it?
Michaela has been great. She is going through a growth spurt, I think. She's been drinking a lot and has even awakened a couple of times each night, hungry. She doesn't usually do that. We started giving her solid food a couple of days ago. We began with avocado, which she doesn't seem to like very much. We just give her a little bit, once a day, mostly to get her used to the idea of eating real food.
I had to turn in my hospital grade pump, finally. I rented it for one month, waaaay back in December. I got an extension that took me to February, then a special one that took me to mid-March. For some reason, the final extension didn't make it into the computer, so the med device company called me, I told them to check with my doctor's office and get back to me. They didn't get back to me for a long time. Like until mid-April. We had some mis-communication then, so when all was said and done, they didn't contact me to get back the pump until mid-May. Total cost for five months of Lactina Select pump rental? $18. Yup.
I miss the pump, though. My Pump in Style is fine for on-the-go, but since I am an exclusive pumper, I definitely miss the higher powered hospital grade pump. The other thing I miss about having the Lactina is that I could keep my PIS ready for travel, because it wasn't my primary pump. Before I could just grab it and go, more or less. Now that I only have the PIS, anytime I go anywhere (like out for the day, or traveling), I have to pack it up, make sure I have everything, take it with me, bring it back, unpack it.
Speaking of traveling, I have to go away next month for three days for work. The good thing is, this time I think I will be much less agonized about it. I'm looking forward to some me time, even if I will be sharing a suite with some of my coworkers. My college roommate lives near where I'll be, so we're going to get together for dinner, which is a nice treat. I don't get to see her anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Getting to do it on my company's dime is awesome.
She and her husband are trying to get pregnant, without any luck. I feel really bad for her. Wish there was something I could do. But there isn't, except being a good friend and listening when she wants to talk. (Or in our case, since we do more emailing than phone talking, replying thoughtfully when she writes.)
My best friend, who had twins about a month ago, seems to be doing well. I am so excited to meet the babies. Not sure when that will be, given that we live 1500 miles apart. It makes me miss the good old days of college, when we all lived down the hall from each other.
Speaking of college, last weekend was my 10 year college reunion. I didn't go, because I keep in touch with the people I want to keep in touch with. Still. It's weird to think I've been out of college for TEN YEARS. Wow.
I've been out of high school even longer, obviously. But the thing about Facebook is that I feel so much closer to my high school (and junior high school) friends! I'm actually really excited for our next reunion-- which will be a 20 year reunion, in 6 more years-- because with FB, I know what they're up to, and we share stories and pictures of our kids. I know the 6 years will go by really quickly, too...
That's all for now. More soon, I hope.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Mother's Day Wrap Up
I wrote this on Monday, the day after Mother's Day.
I had an absolutely wonderful mother's day. Mike treated me like a queen, and I even got a gift and a card from Michaela. I slept in, had breakfast and dinner served to me, took a walk and had a picnic lunch, luxuriated in a bubble bath mike drew for me. Not too shabby. My mom and brother called me and wished me a happy mother's day, as did my mother-in-law and her husband. I made cards for each of the great grandparents from Michaela, and those went over big. Everyone loved the pictures I used, and I personalized them with "Happy Mother's Day, Great Grandma X" on them.
I also reached out to many of my friends who are moms. I made brownies for several of the local moms, and delivered them with cards earlier in the week. I also left messages for other friends via Facebook.
This year, Mother's Day meant so much to me. Not only because it's my first Mother's Day and I wanted to celebrate that fact, but because it's the first time I really understood how much goes into being a mom and how much work it is. So I wanted to celebrate that with my friends and family, and honor them.
Last night, I put Michaela to bed. I fed her and sat with her in the rocker and told her all the things I love about her and how much I want for her to have a good life. I'm still overwhelmed by how much love I have for her. I love her more than everyone else in the world, and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. My whole heart swells when I think about her.
And she's growing up so fast! In two days, she'll be five months old. She's holding her head up and even sitting up by herself (when we spread her legs wide. it's more of a feat of balance than of strength, but oh well).
In fact, last Thursday, Mike called me after their sign language class and told me she'd sat up by herself for the first time. I was excited, but also really sad I wasn't there to see it. I realize I have a great set up, and I certainly am not complaining, but still. It was hard to know he was there for it, and all the other moms in the class were there for it, and I was at home working. A friend of mine reminded me that there will be lots of other firsts and that I'll get to be there for them, which is very true, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
My mom has been working with Michaela to get her to say "mama." She is bound and determined that "mama" should be the baby's first word. Prior to mother's day, she was really working to get Michaela to try to say it for the holiday, but no such luck. Still, I was touched by the gesture.
I was also touched by the nice thing my mom said, which she also echoed in the card she gave me for Mother's Day. She said I'm a good mom and that it gives her a lot of pleasure to watch me with Michaela. It was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me. My mom was a really good mommy, so that's high praise from her.
(In fact, my mom continues to be a good mommy. She takes great care of Michaela and me, even now!)
I had an absolutely wonderful mother's day. Mike treated me like a queen, and I even got a gift and a card from Michaela. I slept in, had breakfast and dinner served to me, took a walk and had a picnic lunch, luxuriated in a bubble bath mike drew for me. Not too shabby. My mom and brother called me and wished me a happy mother's day, as did my mother-in-law and her husband. I made cards for each of the great grandparents from Michaela, and those went over big. Everyone loved the pictures I used, and I personalized them with "Happy Mother's Day, Great Grandma X" on them.
I also reached out to many of my friends who are moms. I made brownies for several of the local moms, and delivered them with cards earlier in the week. I also left messages for other friends via Facebook.
This year, Mother's Day meant so much to me. Not only because it's my first Mother's Day and I wanted to celebrate that fact, but because it's the first time I really understood how much goes into being a mom and how much work it is. So I wanted to celebrate that with my friends and family, and honor them.
Last night, I put Michaela to bed. I fed her and sat with her in the rocker and told her all the things I love about her and how much I want for her to have a good life. I'm still overwhelmed by how much love I have for her. I love her more than everyone else in the world, and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. My whole heart swells when I think about her.
And she's growing up so fast! In two days, she'll be five months old. She's holding her head up and even sitting up by herself (when we spread her legs wide. it's more of a feat of balance than of strength, but oh well).
In fact, last Thursday, Mike called me after their sign language class and told me she'd sat up by herself for the first time. I was excited, but also really sad I wasn't there to see it. I realize I have a great set up, and I certainly am not complaining, but still. It was hard to know he was there for it, and all the other moms in the class were there for it, and I was at home working. A friend of mine reminded me that there will be lots of other firsts and that I'll get to be there for them, which is very true, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
My mom has been working with Michaela to get her to say "mama." She is bound and determined that "mama" should be the baby's first word. Prior to mother's day, she was really working to get Michaela to try to say it for the holiday, but no such luck. Still, I was touched by the gesture.
I was also touched by the nice thing my mom said, which she also echoed in the card she gave me for Mother's Day. She said I'm a good mom and that it gives her a lot of pleasure to watch me with Michaela. It was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me. My mom was a really good mommy, so that's high praise from her.
(In fact, my mom continues to be a good mommy. She takes great care of Michaela and me, even now!)
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Traveling Adventure
*I wrote this 3 days ago. Couldn't post while I was on vacation.*
In my last post, I mentioned that we're in Denver. I wanted to be sure to capture the details of Michaela's first flight.
I'd been nervous, more about getting through the airport with all the stuff we had to haul than about Michaela actually flying. I was also concerned about the altitude, because traveling from sea level to the Mile High City is hard on me, and I know what to do to make the change in altitude easier. Michaela, on the other hand, doesn't, and she can't tell me what's wrong if something hurts. I did some research on the internet and I talked to the pediatrician about what to look for, and that was really all I could do.
The morning of travel started off okay. We were on time with everything-- hooray! The dog went to our friends' house, Mike called for a cab. We had a lot of stuff to carry, but we'd organized it so it made sense. Getting into the taxi, I noticed it looked like we only had 1 of our 2 suitcases with us. Mike ran back inside the house to get something else, so I assumed he'd gotten the other bag. He got into the car and I said, "did you get both bags?" He said yeah. We got to the airport, were unloading the cab's trunk, and found... that we'd left one of the bags at home. Uh huh.
Turns out Mike wasn't listening to me and just said yes, without knowing what he was saying yes to. So we had to split up. Mike and Michaela and one of our bags went into the airport to get checked in. I went back to the house with the taxi (and the crazy Russian taxi driver) and the carry ons (laptop bag, breast pump, small bag with lunch), grabbed the other bag, and back we turned, this time with the additional carry on suitcase.
Total damage? $45. The airport is about 7 miles from our house. Ouch.
So I find Mike, go through screening. Hello, why am I beeping while going through the metal detectors? Oh, I'm wearing a belt because I've lost so much weight my jeans fall off if I don't. Take that off, add it to the pile (2 laptops, plus all the carry on crap, plus my jacket and shoes). Mike has to go through the metal detector twice. Why? Because he's holding a stuffed animal for Michaela. Gotta put it on the conveyor belt.
And since I have milk for the baby, and since one of the carry ons got flagged for extra screening, there we go, off to secondary screening. Just me and the other evil doers-- an 80 year old blind guy and an older white woman. Thanks, TSA, for keeping our country safe from lactating moms and old people.
We get up to the gate and settle in. Michaela is sleeping and is doing great. I went to the bathroom to pump. (There's a lactation room, but it's in the terminal downstairs, not by the gates. Good location for it, huh?)
Get on the plane, Michaela does fine. Sleeps the whole way. Get picked up by Mike's mom, go to grandma's house for a dinner with the whole family. Everyone loves Michaela; she gets passed around from loving relative to loving relative. It was very nice.
Mike's grandma, who i should add is a VERY nice woman and who treats me very well, gave me a doll for Michaela out of her collection. Grandma collects dolls and stuffed bears and has a huge collection. Dolls of all different shapes and sizes and materials and everything else. Let me just say that the doll she gave me is black-- it has dark skin, curly/kinky hair. It's not an Aunt Jemima doll, so it's not the like doll is racist, but I definitely had a reaction when she gave it to me. I was nice, but it bothered me. All I can think about is, if Michaela had lighter skin, would she have gotten a white doll from her great grandmother?
I asked Mike if I was crazy for having a reaction and he said no, so that's good. He is full of white privilege-- so much so, that he doesn't even believe in the concept of white privilege. So for him to think it was weird makes me think even more that it was an inappropriate decision. I mean, for christ's sake, she could have given me (Michaela) a stuffed animal!
Other than that, the trip has been fairly uneventful. Mike's grandpa died about 6 weeks ago, so it's definitely different than the last time we were here or spent time with his family. But I think the presence of the baby makes a big, positive difference.
We went into the mountains and saw snow capped mountains. It actually snowed this morning, so I went out and enjoyed it. It was my first time in falling snow! Tomorrow, we're going to see some of Mike's friends-- lunch with a friend from high school and dinner with one of his college friends. I haven't met many of Mike's friends from his high school and college days, so I'm really curious to meet them.
We return home on Saturday, so I still have another airport ordeal to look forward to. Fingers crossed, it will be smooth like our trip out here.
In my last post, I mentioned that we're in Denver. I wanted to be sure to capture the details of Michaela's first flight.
I'd been nervous, more about getting through the airport with all the stuff we had to haul than about Michaela actually flying. I was also concerned about the altitude, because traveling from sea level to the Mile High City is hard on me, and I know what to do to make the change in altitude easier. Michaela, on the other hand, doesn't, and she can't tell me what's wrong if something hurts. I did some research on the internet and I talked to the pediatrician about what to look for, and that was really all I could do.
The morning of travel started off okay. We were on time with everything-- hooray! The dog went to our friends' house, Mike called for a cab. We had a lot of stuff to carry, but we'd organized it so it made sense. Getting into the taxi, I noticed it looked like we only had 1 of our 2 suitcases with us. Mike ran back inside the house to get something else, so I assumed he'd gotten the other bag. He got into the car and I said, "did you get both bags?" He said yeah. We got to the airport, were unloading the cab's trunk, and found... that we'd left one of the bags at home. Uh huh.
Turns out Mike wasn't listening to me and just said yes, without knowing what he was saying yes to. So we had to split up. Mike and Michaela and one of our bags went into the airport to get checked in. I went back to the house with the taxi (and the crazy Russian taxi driver) and the carry ons (laptop bag, breast pump, small bag with lunch), grabbed the other bag, and back we turned, this time with the additional carry on suitcase.
Total damage? $45. The airport is about 7 miles from our house. Ouch.
So I find Mike, go through screening. Hello, why am I beeping while going through the metal detectors? Oh, I'm wearing a belt because I've lost so much weight my jeans fall off if I don't. Take that off, add it to the pile (2 laptops, plus all the carry on crap, plus my jacket and shoes). Mike has to go through the metal detector twice. Why? Because he's holding a stuffed animal for Michaela. Gotta put it on the conveyor belt.
And since I have milk for the baby, and since one of the carry ons got flagged for extra screening, there we go, off to secondary screening. Just me and the other evil doers-- an 80 year old blind guy and an older white woman. Thanks, TSA, for keeping our country safe from lactating moms and old people.
We get up to the gate and settle in. Michaela is sleeping and is doing great. I went to the bathroom to pump. (There's a lactation room, but it's in the terminal downstairs, not by the gates. Good location for it, huh?)
Get on the plane, Michaela does fine. Sleeps the whole way. Get picked up by Mike's mom, go to grandma's house for a dinner with the whole family. Everyone loves Michaela; she gets passed around from loving relative to loving relative. It was very nice.
Mike's grandma, who i should add is a VERY nice woman and who treats me very well, gave me a doll for Michaela out of her collection. Grandma collects dolls and stuffed bears and has a huge collection. Dolls of all different shapes and sizes and materials and everything else. Let me just say that the doll she gave me is black-- it has dark skin, curly/kinky hair. It's not an Aunt Jemima doll, so it's not the like doll is racist, but I definitely had a reaction when she gave it to me. I was nice, but it bothered me. All I can think about is, if Michaela had lighter skin, would she have gotten a white doll from her great grandmother?
I asked Mike if I was crazy for having a reaction and he said no, so that's good. He is full of white privilege-- so much so, that he doesn't even believe in the concept of white privilege. So for him to think it was weird makes me think even more that it was an inappropriate decision. I mean, for christ's sake, she could have given me (Michaela) a stuffed animal!
Other than that, the trip has been fairly uneventful. Mike's grandpa died about 6 weeks ago, so it's definitely different than the last time we were here or spent time with his family. But I think the presence of the baby makes a big, positive difference.
We went into the mountains and saw snow capped mountains. It actually snowed this morning, so I went out and enjoyed it. It was my first time in falling snow! Tomorrow, we're going to see some of Mike's friends-- lunch with a friend from high school and dinner with one of his college friends. I haven't met many of Mike's friends from his high school and college days, so I'm really curious to meet them.
We return home on Saturday, so I still have another airport ordeal to look forward to. Fingers crossed, it will be smooth like our trip out here.
Trying
*I wrote this 3 days ago. Couldn't post while I was on vacation.*
I guess I sort of left everything hanging after my last post. I feel like the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thought was a bombshell. After I had the epiphany, it was all I could think about. All day, for days after it hit me, I was in a bit of a funk. I was brooding over it, thinking about it, turning the words around and around in my head. A few days after, Mike and Michaela and I were on our way to a local festival and I almost started crying. The weight of what I had been thinking struck me and I was SO SAD. It made me sad for the passion that has gone and sad as I contemplated my future-- and Michaela's future. And then it hit me that perhaps I could try to find a new way of loving Mike and we could build something new. Of course, it's hard for a couple to build something new when only one person knows that's what's going on, but it would kill Mike if I told him.
And so I have been trying to think back to what we had and to let that rosy glow cast a little light on today. I've wandered down memory lane and have spent a lot of time reminiscing with myself.
As I type this, we're in Denver, visiting Mike's family. I love his family and they are very good to me and to Michaela. It's been really nice to have people to take the baby, to change the baby, to feed the baby, leaving us to sleep in a little bit and to relax a little bit. In fact, being less stressed has totally made me feel more in love with Mike. I also think being surrounded by family makes me think about how much I want Michaela to have a big, happy family, and makes me want to try harder to make it so.
Mike even commented to me today that I seem much happier and that I seem to want to be around him. It's really sad that he normally feels like I don't want to be around him, and I need to hold on to this feeling as we return home.
I guess I sort of left everything hanging after my last post. I feel like the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thought was a bombshell. After I had the epiphany, it was all I could think about. All day, for days after it hit me, I was in a bit of a funk. I was brooding over it, thinking about it, turning the words around and around in my head. A few days after, Mike and Michaela and I were on our way to a local festival and I almost started crying. The weight of what I had been thinking struck me and I was SO SAD. It made me sad for the passion that has gone and sad as I contemplated my future-- and Michaela's future. And then it hit me that perhaps I could try to find a new way of loving Mike and we could build something new. Of course, it's hard for a couple to build something new when only one person knows that's what's going on, but it would kill Mike if I told him.
And so I have been trying to think back to what we had and to let that rosy glow cast a little light on today. I've wandered down memory lane and have spent a lot of time reminiscing with myself.
As I type this, we're in Denver, visiting Mike's family. I love his family and they are very good to me and to Michaela. It's been really nice to have people to take the baby, to change the baby, to feed the baby, leaving us to sleep in a little bit and to relax a little bit. In fact, being less stressed has totally made me feel more in love with Mike. I also think being surrounded by family makes me think about how much I want Michaela to have a big, happy family, and makes me want to try harder to make it so.
Mike even commented to me today that I seem much happier and that I seem to want to be around him. It's really sad that he normally feels like I don't want to be around him, and I need to hold on to this feeling as we return home.
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