The Latest

The weeks since I last wrote have been crazy.

Mike and I had a really rough stretch. REALLY ROUGH. Like, "oh my god, I have to get out of this relationship NOW" rough. Sometimes I get so angry. I'm not sure why I have so much anger bottled up inside me. When it happens, I just want to provoke him and I say really mean, hurtful things, intentionally, just to get a rise out of him. I just want to make him react. I'm not sure if it's a test, to see if he really loves me or what. It's sort of weird to do that when I've come to the decision that I love him but am not in love with him. Maybe it's a sign that I am in love with him. Or maybe it's just a sign that I'm a big bitch.

I have been thinking seriously about therapy. I think we should have some, but I also think I should have some. I go through periodic bouts of depression, and while I don't feel like this is one of those, I would like to get to the bottom of why I have so much anger. Where does it come from and what can I do about it?

Michaela has been great. She is going through a growth spurt, I think. She's been drinking a lot and has even awakened a couple of times each night, hungry. She doesn't usually do that. We started giving her solid food a couple of days ago. We began with avocado, which she doesn't seem to like very much. We just give her a little bit, once a day, mostly to get her used to the idea of eating real food.

I had to turn in my hospital grade pump, finally. I rented it for one month, waaaay back in December. I got an extension that took me to February, then a special one that took me to mid-March. For some reason, the final extension didn't make it into the computer, so the med device company called me, I told them to check with my doctor's office and get back to me. They didn't get back to me for a long time. Like until mid-April. We had some mis-communication then, so when all was said and done, they didn't contact me to get back the pump until mid-May. Total cost for five months of Lactina Select pump rental? $18. Yup.

I miss the pump, though. My Pump in Style is fine for on-the-go, but since I am an exclusive pumper, I definitely miss the higher powered hospital grade pump. The other thing I miss about having the Lactina is that I could keep my PIS ready for travel, because it wasn't my primary pump. Before I could just grab it and go, more or less. Now that I only have the PIS, anytime I go anywhere (like out for the day, or traveling), I have to pack it up, make sure I have everything, take it with me, bring it back, unpack it.

Speaking of traveling, I have to go away next month for three days for work. The good thing is, this time I think I will be much less agonized about it. I'm looking forward to some me time, even if I will be sharing a suite with some of my coworkers. My college roommate lives near where I'll be, so we're going to get together for dinner, which is a nice treat. I don't get to see her anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Getting to do it on my company's dime is awesome.

She and her husband are trying to get pregnant, without any luck. I feel really bad for her. Wish there was something I could do. But there isn't, except being a good friend and listening when she wants to talk. (Or in our case, since we do more emailing than phone talking, replying thoughtfully when she writes.)

My best friend, who had twins about a month ago, seems to be doing well. I am so excited to meet the babies. Not sure when that will be, given that we live 1500 miles apart. It makes me miss the good old days of college, when we all lived down the hall from each other.

Speaking of college, last weekend was my 10 year college reunion. I didn't go, because I keep in touch with the people I want to keep in touch with. Still. It's weird to think I've been out of college for TEN YEARS. Wow.

I've been out of high school even longer, obviously. But the thing about Facebook is that I feel so much closer to my high school (and junior high school) friends! I'm actually really excited for our next reunion-- which will be a 20 year reunion, in 6 more years-- because with FB, I know what they're up to, and we share stories and pictures of our kids. I know the 6 years will go by really quickly, too...

That's all for now. More soon, I hope.