I feel like every time I write, I open with, "wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote." This time is different, in that I'm starting with "I feel like every time I write..." Ha ha.
So it's the end of November. We're two weeks away from Michaela being a year old. She went from a little poppy seed to a big, vibrant, happy girl. It's incredible how quickly the year has gone. Someone said to me, about being a mom, "the days are slow, but the years are fast." I totally get that. Some days, I am counting down to 7 p.m., when she usually goes to bed. Then I think about how old Michaela is and my mind is blown all over again.
So, since October, a lot has happened. We went on our cruise, which was very nice. Mike, Michaela and I cruised to Mexico with Mike's mom and stepdad. The trip was a success. I got time to relax (went to the spa, got a massage and a facial) and had a break from the day-to-day, and we all had fun. The grandparents loved spending time with Michaela. Mike and his stepdad took a ton of pictures, which they both enjoy. While on the trip, Michaela started saying "mama," "dada," and "nana."
Our cruise was over Halloween, so Michaela spent her first Halloween dressed adorably as a monkey while heading to paradise. It was very, very warm, so she only wore the costume for about 10 minutes. Nonetheless, we captured the moment with pictures, which was all I wanted.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Michaela had a blast. A total blast. Mike make turkey and all the fixings and I made Michaela a plate of them, which she got to feed herself. She crammed fistfuls of cranberry sauce, stuffing, mashed potatoes, turkey and a roll in her face while Mike and I took pictures. She loved the food and had a lot of fun.
I was less than excited about the way Thanksgiving went down from a family standpoint. We were supposed to go to the Bay Area to spend some time with Mike's grandma. Mike ended up having to work Friday night, so we couldn't drive all the way up to Nor. Cal. and then back in time for him to work. Mike dilly-dallied in letting his grandma know, which I thought was really disrespectful. I was really looking forward to spending time with her, and for her to get to see Michaela (who she hasn't seen since the baby was a month old). So that was a bummer. When we ended up having to stay home, I invited my parents over. They declined. Yup, declined. Just like last year, when I had to call and beg them to come (which they did). So lame. And hurtful.
This year's excuse was that my dad needed to wrap up his moving. Yup, he's moving into my mom's house. Finally. After six years of their living apart.
So back in October, my dad got a call from the woman who owns the house my family has rented for the last 24 years. The house I grew up in. The woman said she was having an inspector come by because she was having the house refinanced. It sounded totally sketchy, because why would you randomly have an inspector come when you haven't been to the house for 20 years? The owner literally never went there, never looked at the state of the property, never put any money into fixing anything up, never... anything. So the whole thing was very fishy. Mike and I seized the opportunity. Mike called the owner and asked her if she was thinking about selling. She stuck to the refi story. Fine. He told her if they needed money, if they were thinking about refinancing, that we (Mike and I) would be interested in buying the place. They talked for quite some time and ended the conversation with her saying we should talk again in the middle of November. We went off on our cruise and when our ship pulled back into San Diego, I called my mom, whol told me that my dad had gotten a registered letter from the owner saying she was selling the house and he had to be out in a month. WHAT?
My parents (Well, now my dad) rent(s) the house, they don't own it. It was the right of the owners to sell their house. I don't blame the owners for selling it. I blame them for the way it went down. Why did the owner lie to my dad? Why did she lie to Mike? Why not call my dad and tel him what the deal was and then follow up with a letter? Really, after renting for 24 years, the way he found out was by a certified letter? The whole thing was totally fucked up.
So my dad, who doesn't deal well with change, was pretty shell shocked. He had to work on clearing out all of his possessions-- mainly cars and car parts, which is the reason he was still living there and not at my mom's house-- and work full time and everything else. Oy. He has been making good progress, and he got a lot of his stuff moved to a storage unit. His non-car personal belongings went to my mom's house. Or should I say, to *their* house.
Now my mom is all freaked out about them moving back in together. For the last six years, all she has been talking about is wanting my dad to move in with her. I'm not sure why, since they hated living together. But now she has her wish. Now don't get me wrong. I don't blame her for being nervous, but I wish for a second, she would at least acknowledge that she's finally getting what she wants. Even though it's a case of "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it."
At any rate. My dad gave the excuse that he couldn't come to dinner at our house because he was emptying out his house in preparation for the move. So he didn't come. I talked to my brother, who has a way of offering perspective on family-related situations (that's why I'd like to give Michaela a sibling-- so Michaela has the option of talking to someone else about how crazy Mike and I are). He basically told me I need to give up on inviting them to family stuff. That all of them-- my mom and dad and bro-- love me but show it in a different way and that I need to just meet them where they are and not expect them to meet me where I am. It's good advice. It's also easier said than done.
I was really angry at my dad. He gets so hurt that Michaela cries whenever she sees him. She does that because she doesn't see him very often. Now, she surely will see him more often once my dad moves in with my mom, but for the meantime... But I invite him over, give him the chance to spend time with Michaela, and he turns it down. And it's not just this one time. This happened last year, pre-Michaela. But it also happens all the time now. I invite both of my parents over and they refuse on a regular basis. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I expect more of them than that. Even at the same time I am happy with how good they are when they're with Michaela, I wish they could just be... normal. There, I said it. Normal. Maybe there's no such thing as normal. Maybe I've watched too many sitcoms in my life. But there it is.
Well, on that note... I'm going to go pump. I've been pumping for the last 11 1/2 months. My time with my Pump in Style is drawing to an end. I'm glad, so I can have my body back, but I'm also really proud that I've managed to do so for so long. Michaela may not have been exclusively breastfed, but she had an awful lot of breast milk!
And she's doing really well. She has 8 teeth and more on the way. She laughs, she waves hi and bye, she can sort of walk behind her walker toy thing. She crawls like a mad woman and does some cruising. She is a hoot. I love her so much.
That's a good place to end. Remind me next time to write about my upcoming promotion, about Mike's work, about the $3k I won(!), and about #2.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Time has gotten away from me again. I feel like I should do penance. "It has been 21 days since my last blog post." Except I'm an atheist, not Catholic.
Michaela is teething. She has 3 teeth all the way through the gums and two more that have poked through. There are lots more right behind them.
She is pulling herself up like crazy. She always wants to be standing. ALWAYS. If not standing, then moving. She can do what I call a "big girl crawl," but she's faster at army crawling, so she usually does that.
A friend of mine has a son, S., who is like a little monkey. He is two weeks older than Michaela and has been on the verge of walking for some time. I was talking to his mom today and Is aid something about having some time before Michaela walks and she was like, "oh yeah, you have lots of time." She didn't mean it in a mean way, but my competitive hackles were raised. I know babies do things on their own schedule, but dude. Then I comfort myself with the knowledge that Michaela has more teeth than S.
So tomorrow will be the last day I take the pill. I'm going to go off it and we'll start using condoms when we have sex. Which continues to be practically never. I have no interest in sex. As I've expressed her, I'm not sure how much of that is hormonal and how much of it is my connection with Mike. He got really mad at me yesterday and just totally blew up. Now that he's gotten it out, it's better, but whenever that happens, it always puts me on a path of thinking, "hmm, do I want to stay married? Should we get divorced? What's best for Michaela?"
My job is going very well. I have this nagging sensation that when my boss is out on maternity leave, I'm not going to get promoted to fill her spot. My prediction is that I'll get some sort of temporary promotion-- VP of Communications, maybe (instead of SVP) and a small raise. I think I'll probably take on a lot of her work, but not the management part of it, and if I had to guess, I'd say I'd start reporting to the chief of staff. So we'll see.
One of my coworkers, who I've become really close to, goes out on maternity leave next Wednesday. I'm really going to miss her. And not only because I'm totally freaked out about how much of her work I'm going to have to pick up while she's gone.
Both of our apartments are rented out. Hopefully it will stay that way. One of our tenants is in the Navy. He's a low-level grunt and he was only allowed to live off-ship because he was married. Now he and his wife are getting divorced and it's only a matter of time before the Navy figures that out. He's supposed to ship out to the Middle East in about a month. I'm hoping she will get shipped out and they won't make him move out until he's back (7 months later). That'd mean no tenant (yeah, quiet! plus, we could do some renovations in there which would make the place more marketable next time it goes on the market) but rent money, and then we'd be looking to rent it out during a good time to advertise vacancies. Fingers crossed!
Michaela's daycare is going well. It's not like she can talk about it, but I trust the provider and know she's in good hands. That's a big relief. The provider has another day open, so Mike and I need to talk about if we want to take it and have Michaela go to daycare three days a week. I happen to feel like that would be good, but Mike doesn't seem to. (What shock, we disagree on something.)
My mom is doing okay. She's been really tired lately. Not sure why. And of course she won't go to the doctor. I haven't heard anything about how her social security disability case is coming. Don't know if that means they denied her or if there hasn't been word, or what. She's not a very active participant, so whenever I suggest she call her attorney to find out what the fuck is going on, she blows me off.
Have I mentioned that I recently have been feeling like I don't want to get pregnant again? I was thinking we could start trying this fall, but now I am in a "not so much" kind of place. I feel like Michaela is so perfect and so special and so wonderful, I couldn't ever do any better. Also, she's so awesome, I want to spend all my time with her and give her all my attention. Of course, that's very selfish. The unselfish part of me says, "but what about the special bond siblings share? You want her to have that!" And I do.
Mike and I had a big fight about it, about 4 seconds after Michaela and I got home from visiting my best friend in Chicago. I told him the above, plus if we do decide to have another one, I'd ideally like to have at least a month where my body is my own. You know, where I'm not breastfeeding anyone and I'm not gestating anyone. He doesn't understand that. He told me I hated being pregnant and that he would be happy to adopt. I told him I didn't want to adopt, he asked why. I said because if we're going to have another kid, I want it to be my kid. We agreed not to talk about it for a while. Sigh.
Chicago was awesome. Michaela came down with a double ear infection. Not good. We put her on antibiotics about 4 days before we flew and it seemed to clear up the infection. She did great no the flights and we had a nice time, though she did get my friend's twin daughters sick. Oops. I guess that's life with kids.
So yeah. Things are mostly good. Except for the drama with Mike (which most of the time actually isn't drama, it's more like having a roommate), I have no complaints.
Michaela is teething. She has 3 teeth all the way through the gums and two more that have poked through. There are lots more right behind them.
She is pulling herself up like crazy. She always wants to be standing. ALWAYS. If not standing, then moving. She can do what I call a "big girl crawl," but she's faster at army crawling, so she usually does that.
A friend of mine has a son, S., who is like a little monkey. He is two weeks older than Michaela and has been on the verge of walking for some time. I was talking to his mom today and Is aid something about having some time before Michaela walks and she was like, "oh yeah, you have lots of time." She didn't mean it in a mean way, but my competitive hackles were raised. I know babies do things on their own schedule, but dude. Then I comfort myself with the knowledge that Michaela has more teeth than S.
So tomorrow will be the last day I take the pill. I'm going to go off it and we'll start using condoms when we have sex. Which continues to be practically never. I have no interest in sex. As I've expressed her, I'm not sure how much of that is hormonal and how much of it is my connection with Mike. He got really mad at me yesterday and just totally blew up. Now that he's gotten it out, it's better, but whenever that happens, it always puts me on a path of thinking, "hmm, do I want to stay married? Should we get divorced? What's best for Michaela?"
My job is going very well. I have this nagging sensation that when my boss is out on maternity leave, I'm not going to get promoted to fill her spot. My prediction is that I'll get some sort of temporary promotion-- VP of Communications, maybe (instead of SVP) and a small raise. I think I'll probably take on a lot of her work, but not the management part of it, and if I had to guess, I'd say I'd start reporting to the chief of staff. So we'll see.
One of my coworkers, who I've become really close to, goes out on maternity leave next Wednesday. I'm really going to miss her. And not only because I'm totally freaked out about how much of her work I'm going to have to pick up while she's gone.
Both of our apartments are rented out. Hopefully it will stay that way. One of our tenants is in the Navy. He's a low-level grunt and he was only allowed to live off-ship because he was married. Now he and his wife are getting divorced and it's only a matter of time before the Navy figures that out. He's supposed to ship out to the Middle East in about a month. I'm hoping she will get shipped out and they won't make him move out until he's back (7 months later). That'd mean no tenant (yeah, quiet! plus, we could do some renovations in there which would make the place more marketable next time it goes on the market) but rent money, and then we'd be looking to rent it out during a good time to advertise vacancies. Fingers crossed!
Michaela's daycare is going well. It's not like she can talk about it, but I trust the provider and know she's in good hands. That's a big relief. The provider has another day open, so Mike and I need to talk about if we want to take it and have Michaela go to daycare three days a week. I happen to feel like that would be good, but Mike doesn't seem to. (What shock, we disagree on something.)
My mom is doing okay. She's been really tired lately. Not sure why. And of course she won't go to the doctor. I haven't heard anything about how her social security disability case is coming. Don't know if that means they denied her or if there hasn't been word, or what. She's not a very active participant, so whenever I suggest she call her attorney to find out what the fuck is going on, she blows me off.
Have I mentioned that I recently have been feeling like I don't want to get pregnant again? I was thinking we could start trying this fall, but now I am in a "not so much" kind of place. I feel like Michaela is so perfect and so special and so wonderful, I couldn't ever do any better. Also, she's so awesome, I want to spend all my time with her and give her all my attention. Of course, that's very selfish. The unselfish part of me says, "but what about the special bond siblings share? You want her to have that!" And I do.
Mike and I had a big fight about it, about 4 seconds after Michaela and I got home from visiting my best friend in Chicago. I told him the above, plus if we do decide to have another one, I'd ideally like to have at least a month where my body is my own. You know, where I'm not breastfeeding anyone and I'm not gestating anyone. He doesn't understand that. He told me I hated being pregnant and that he would be happy to adopt. I told him I didn't want to adopt, he asked why. I said because if we're going to have another kid, I want it to be my kid. We agreed not to talk about it for a while. Sigh.
Chicago was awesome. Michaela came down with a double ear infection. Not good. We put her on antibiotics about 4 days before we flew and it seemed to clear up the infection. She did great no the flights and we had a nice time, though she did get my friend's twin daughters sick. Oops. I guess that's life with kids.
So yeah. Things are mostly good. Except for the drama with Mike (which most of the time actually isn't drama, it's more like having a roommate), I have no complaints.
Friday, September 17, 2010
September
Somewhere along the line, I went from the mother of a baby to the mother of an infant. It's really amazing. I'm not sure how it happened. Michaela is 9 months old now and she's just the coolest kid. She's super curious about things. She loves animals. She loves the wind in her hair. She loves her grandma (my mom). Whenever we go to my mom's house, Michaela gets the HUGEST smile and always laughs. It's tremendously sweet.
And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.
She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.
Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.
And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.
We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...
Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.
Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!
Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!
I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!
That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.
(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)
And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.
She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.
Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.
And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.
We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...
Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.
Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!
Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!
I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!
That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.
(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Sleepover
Mike is out of town for 5 days (!) for his grandfather's memorial service, so I'm alone with Michaela. My mom came over yesterday to help watch her while I was working, and then stayed the night. It was a nice time, though I did get really frustrated because my mom overstimulated the baby at bedtime, which made Michaela think it was time to be awake, so she didn't go to bed until 10:30. TEN THIRTY. Ugh. But to make up for it, my mom got up with Michaela this morning and changed her and fed her and I got to sleep in and take a shower. That was pretty rad.
Right now, she's still here at my house and my dad has joined her. My parents and Michaela are all hanging out, playing. Michaela has a history of freaking out really badly around my dad, for reasons that I don't quite understand (because it used to be he was the only one who could make her laugh). But he came over, they're playing and I can hear the sound of toys and laughter and, best of all, no screaming and crying on Michaela's part. Phew! It was really hurting my dad's feelings that she reacted that way, so this is a huge win.
Last night, when my mom was changing into her nightgown, I caught a glimpse of her naked breasts. They look like mine. Or mine look like hers, I guess. I suppose that's while childbirth does to boobs. It was a bit unsettling. I'm trying to think of it as a badge of honor, though; one that we now share.
(As "Cats in the Cradle" runs through my head and I hear "my boy was just like me....")
Right now, she's still here at my house and my dad has joined her. My parents and Michaela are all hanging out, playing. Michaela has a history of freaking out really badly around my dad, for reasons that I don't quite understand (because it used to be he was the only one who could make her laugh). But he came over, they're playing and I can hear the sound of toys and laughter and, best of all, no screaming and crying on Michaela's part. Phew! It was really hurting my dad's feelings that she reacted that way, so this is a huge win.
Last night, when my mom was changing into her nightgown, I caught a glimpse of her naked breasts. They look like mine. Or mine look like hers, I guess. I suppose that's while childbirth does to boobs. It was a bit unsettling. I'm trying to think of it as a badge of honor, though; one that we now share.
(As "Cats in the Cradle" runs through my head and I hear "my boy was just like me....")
I Think I'm Ready
I'd been thinking a lot lately about when it would be time to have a second kid, and have decided-- and told Mike-- that I think we should start trying in September or October. If I got pregnant in October, Michaela would be 10 months old, plus 10 months of pregnancy, so the kids would be 20 months apart. That's a good difference. And if it takes longer than that, then it would be a bigger gap. It's weird to think about "trying" (especially since I still have no sex drive), and it's weird to think that would mean I wouldn't have a break in getting some time to myself, with only me being dependent on my body. (Because I'm still pumping, so I'm still working for Michaela, and if I went right to pregnant, my body would then be working for #2.) But it feels right, so I think that's the plan.
A Weekend Away
Mike and I left Michaela with her grandparents last weekend and headed up to Napa for the wedding of some friends. It was weird to be away, but awesome. We had a great time reconnecting. And while I missed Michaela, and really looked forward to our calls with Nana and Papa to get caught up on what was going on, I wasn't paralyzed with sadness or anything. So that was really good.
I ended up getting really, really drunk at the wedding reception. Like, throw up for the next 10 hours drunk. Ugh. I haven't been that drunk in years. When we got back to the hotel, I pumped, but pumping + drinking that much is a bad combination. Apparently I only did one breast well, so when I woke up, I was leaking milk out of my right boob. That was the first tip off. I asked Mike and he said he tried to help, but didn't really know what to do, so I was on my own. Okay, I said, I'll just pump now. I go over to where my pump is sitting and the entire floor is wet. Apparently I spilled a lot of milk. My pump is also covered in milk. There was milk in the tubes and milk inside the cover of the motor. So I cleaned that up as best I could and pumped, but man, it was ugly.
Michaela was thrilled to see us when we got back. She recently started giving giant kisses, and she just kissed each of us repeatedly for the next several hours. It feels nice to know she knows who we are and that she loves us so much.
Nana and Papa had a great time with her. They were really good, and just happy as pigs in shit to have all that time with their granddaughter. I feel lucky to have in-laws who are willing to fly here and basically serve as babysitters for the weekend (oh, and they also scrubbed our bathtub, mopped the floor, did laundry, etc.).
I ended up getting really, really drunk at the wedding reception. Like, throw up for the next 10 hours drunk. Ugh. I haven't been that drunk in years. When we got back to the hotel, I pumped, but pumping + drinking that much is a bad combination. Apparently I only did one breast well, so when I woke up, I was leaking milk out of my right boob. That was the first tip off. I asked Mike and he said he tried to help, but didn't really know what to do, so I was on my own. Okay, I said, I'll just pump now. I go over to where my pump is sitting and the entire floor is wet. Apparently I spilled a lot of milk. My pump is also covered in milk. There was milk in the tubes and milk inside the cover of the motor. So I cleaned that up as best I could and pumped, but man, it was ugly.
Michaela was thrilled to see us when we got back. She recently started giving giant kisses, and she just kissed each of us repeatedly for the next several hours. It feels nice to know she knows who we are and that she loves us so much.
Nana and Papa had a great time with her. They were really good, and just happy as pigs in shit to have all that time with their granddaughter. I feel lucky to have in-laws who are willing to fly here and basically serve as babysitters for the weekend (oh, and they also scrubbed our bathtub, mopped the floor, did laundry, etc.).
Sunday, July 25, 2010
On my mother
So 15 years ago, I heard my parents fighting. My mom was yelling at my dad and said something about "when I was selling pussy for you." Obviously that means my mom was a hooker at some point, and I'm guessing that means my dad was her pimp. It may also mean that she was trying to make money for him for something. I'm not sure. I never asked. In fact, I've spent 15 years trying to forget I heard that.
Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.
Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.
We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.
I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.
I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.
Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.
Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.
Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.
We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.
I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.
I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.
Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.
--Michaela is doing great on the food front. She's eating solids and loving them. She has had avocado, eggs, cottage cheese, oatmeal, green beans, carrots, bananas, butternut squash, watermelon, and peas. Her favorites are squash, peas, carrots and bananas. Anything sweet, basically.
--She has taken two baths in the real bath tub. She loves the water. Very unlike her mommy. Her grandma (Mike's mom) is visiting, and gave Michaela her first bath in the bath tub. Michaela splashed and screamed with joy and was really upset when it was time to get out. I was actually disappointed (though I didn't say anything), because I'd been looking forward to giving her her first bath in the tub. I almost did last week, but ended up doing something else, and just like that, the first time was gone. I did give Michaela a bath tonight, and it was nice.
--Grandma also put Michaela on the swing for the first time (another thing I was looking forward to doing). I also didn't say anything about being disappointed about that. It wouldn't have helped.
--Michaela bit the crap out of my nose the other day, and then poked me in the left eye. Later, she poked me in the right eye. Being a mom is hard!
--Mike continues to drive me crazy, off and on. But I have tried to seem excited when he wants to have sex, and when we do, it puts him in a better mood, which is good. I'm still not much in the mood for sex, but it is hurting a little bit less now, at least.
--Today I went and got a new bra. A real, non-nursing bra. It's sort of weird! 1) It feels so constricting, after wearing a nursing bra. This has underwire and a real hook and all that jazz. The nursing bra is just a cotton thing that barely holds up my boobs.
--Speaking of, my boobs are smaller (yeah!), but saggier. The density has changed. They're less full now. It's weird. So the bra I was wearing before was an H cup, and the one I bought today is a DD. Also, my ribs seem to have expanded slightly, and I'm fleshier than I was before. I stood in the fitting room today, looking at myself in only my bra, and I was disgusted. I need to do something to try to tone up some. I'm giggly and loose and flabby, and I don't like it.
--Also, as I pump less, I'm going to burn fewer calories, so all my eating is going to make me fat(ter). I don't want that!
--My boss is pregnant. I'm so happy for her! She's had a lot of issues and I'm just hoping she can keep this baby. I wish there was something I could do to make that happen, but of course there isn't.
--Speaking of new babies. When I told him my boss is pregnant, he said, "I was thinking we should get started on number two." I wanted to kill him. At the time, Michaela was fussing. Who wants to have another kid when I already have one who cries? Also, it's easy for him to say that. He's not the one who would have to carry and then push out the second kid!
--Though I do want to give Michaela a sibling. I love my brother, and our relationship, and I want her to enjoy that type of relationship, too. But I would like to have my body back to myself for just a little while. Like, to stop pumping and to be able to enjoy that for a bit before having to worry about becoming the host for another being.
--Now that Michaela is eating solids, she's having real poop. Have I mentioned I don't like cloth diapers?
--I booked tickets to go see my best friend in Chicago in September. Michaela and I are going to go and Mike is going to stay home. I'm nervous to travel on a plane without Mike, especially since Michaela will be too big to put in the Baby Bjorn. How am I going to carry her and all our stuff? Oy. I guess that's what curbside check in is for. My BFF had twin girls a few months ago, so it will be the first chance for our daughters to meet. I can't wait.
--One more complaint? Mike's mom helped us get Michaela's room ready before she was born. And she did an amazing job. The room only got done because of her help, and I am so thankful for her. But I guess she and Mike decided they wanted to do some additional painting in there and have planned to do so tomorrow. I don't want them to do anything to the room! It's perfect the way it is, and I don't think trying to do more is going to work out well. But I guess we'll see.
--She has taken two baths in the real bath tub. She loves the water. Very unlike her mommy. Her grandma (Mike's mom) is visiting, and gave Michaela her first bath in the bath tub. Michaela splashed and screamed with joy and was really upset when it was time to get out. I was actually disappointed (though I didn't say anything), because I'd been looking forward to giving her her first bath in the tub. I almost did last week, but ended up doing something else, and just like that, the first time was gone. I did give Michaela a bath tonight, and it was nice.
--Grandma also put Michaela on the swing for the first time (another thing I was looking forward to doing). I also didn't say anything about being disappointed about that. It wouldn't have helped.
--Michaela bit the crap out of my nose the other day, and then poked me in the left eye. Later, she poked me in the right eye. Being a mom is hard!
--Mike continues to drive me crazy, off and on. But I have tried to seem excited when he wants to have sex, and when we do, it puts him in a better mood, which is good. I'm still not much in the mood for sex, but it is hurting a little bit less now, at least.
--Today I went and got a new bra. A real, non-nursing bra. It's sort of weird! 1) It feels so constricting, after wearing a nursing bra. This has underwire and a real hook and all that jazz. The nursing bra is just a cotton thing that barely holds up my boobs.
--Speaking of, my boobs are smaller (yeah!), but saggier. The density has changed. They're less full now. It's weird. So the bra I was wearing before was an H cup, and the one I bought today is a DD. Also, my ribs seem to have expanded slightly, and I'm fleshier than I was before. I stood in the fitting room today, looking at myself in only my bra, and I was disgusted. I need to do something to try to tone up some. I'm giggly and loose and flabby, and I don't like it.
--Also, as I pump less, I'm going to burn fewer calories, so all my eating is going to make me fat(ter). I don't want that!
--My boss is pregnant. I'm so happy for her! She's had a lot of issues and I'm just hoping she can keep this baby. I wish there was something I could do to make that happen, but of course there isn't.
--Speaking of new babies. When I told him my boss is pregnant, he said, "I was thinking we should get started on number two." I wanted to kill him. At the time, Michaela was fussing. Who wants to have another kid when I already have one who cries? Also, it's easy for him to say that. He's not the one who would have to carry and then push out the second kid!
--Though I do want to give Michaela a sibling. I love my brother, and our relationship, and I want her to enjoy that type of relationship, too. But I would like to have my body back to myself for just a little while. Like, to stop pumping and to be able to enjoy that for a bit before having to worry about becoming the host for another being.
--Now that Michaela is eating solids, she's having real poop. Have I mentioned I don't like cloth diapers?
--I booked tickets to go see my best friend in Chicago in September. Michaela and I are going to go and Mike is going to stay home. I'm nervous to travel on a plane without Mike, especially since Michaela will be too big to put in the Baby Bjorn. How am I going to carry her and all our stuff? Oy. I guess that's what curbside check in is for. My BFF had twin girls a few months ago, so it will be the first chance for our daughters to meet. I can't wait.
--One more complaint? Mike's mom helped us get Michaela's room ready before she was born. And she did an amazing job. The room only got done because of her help, and I am so thankful for her. But I guess she and Mike decided they wanted to do some additional painting in there and have planned to do so tomorrow. I don't want them to do anything to the room! It's perfect the way it is, and I don't think trying to do more is going to work out well. But I guess we'll see.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Oh my goodness, so much time has passed. I'm still here Still alive, still blogging. I've just been busy, between work and baby and life and vacations. Quick update.
--Things with Mike have been better. I'm trying to focus more on the good things and less on the bad ones, and see if I can recapture the love I had. We had sex yesterday for the first time in probably 6 weeks. Eek. But it was nice, and he was happy.
--I had my 6-month post-partum checkup with the OB and talked to her about the physical pain I was having during sex. She did an exam and clued right in on where the pain was. My skin did something weird when growing back from the stitching, so she gave me a steroid cream to use. It gave me some other discomfort, so I didn't use it the full time I was supposed to. I probably should, though, because it still hurt (though not as much) when Mike and I had sex yesterday.
--Michaela is doing GREAT! She's enormous-- tall and heavy. She is eating solid foods now. She's has avocado, banana, green beans, butternut squash, carrots, and, as of today, cottage cheese. Banana is her favorite; green beans are her least favorite. She has two teeth now that have broken the gums. She's sitting up very well, and is so curious about the world around her.
--With her new solid food consumption, Michaela isn't drinking as much breast milk, so I don't have to pump as often. I am now not getting up in the middle of the night to pump, which is fabulous. She sleeps through the night and now I can, too!
--Work is going great. I was working really, really long days on a project for weeks, a month or two ago, but now it's calmed down and I'm back to my normal schedule.
--We went on vacation to visit Mike's family and had a blast. It was one of the best vacations I've eve had, hands down. The grandparents and uncles and aunt were excited to see Michaela, and we had a really nice week relaxing and spending time together. It's going to become an annual tradition, and I have to say, I can't wait!
--I'm looking at hiring someone to take care of the baby one day a week. My mom is going to take her on Thursdays for the next 11 weeks while Mike teaches a morning class, but I still feel like it would be good to have help another day a week so he can concentrate on his business. I need to do some research to see what questions one should ask a potential baby sitter/nanny.
--Mike's mom and stepdad are coming to visit in two weeks. His mom just retired, so she's going to stay for about 10 days. Then her hubby will come and they'll watch Michaela while Mike and I head to Northern California for a friend's wedding. Should be a nice getaway.
--My best friend lives in Chicago and had twins about 2.5 months ago. I'm going to go visit her sometime in the next couple of months. It'll just be me and Michaela, but it should be a blast. Another friend just moved there, too, so I'll also get to see her while we're out. Just need to find a date and book my tix!
--We're talking about doing a cruise in October with Mike's mom and stepdad or mom and grandma (his grandpa died a few months ago). It would be a cruise we've done before, but still, a fun trip. This year has involved a lot of travel!
--I continue to suffer form itching when I get too hot. apparently that's here to stay. When I exercise or when it's warm out, or if I stay in the hot shower too long... BAM! Itchy rash. Ugh!
--My birthday is in about two months. I've gotta decide what to do. My treat to myself may be my trip to Chicago. And that's okay. Michaela's 1st birthday is 5 months from today (I know! How is it possible my baby is 7 months old?!?) and I'm trying to decide what we should do to celebrate it. Since Mike's family is split (mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom), it's a little more awkward, and since it's so close to Christmas, there are other considerations. I'm thinking we may just do something small-- like we'll do a cake for Michaela and invite my parents and invite all of Mike's parents-- and tell any family members who live somewhere else they're welcome to join us for Christmas if they want. I don't think anyone will-- Mike's mom and stepdad will have just been out in October, and with Mike's grandpa having passed away, they won't leave his grandma; and Mike's dad and stepmom have talked about coming in February or March, so they probably wouldn't come twice in such a short period of time-- but it's nice to offer and to get it on the calendar.
That's all for now. I will try to return to my days of being good about posting. I know someday, I'll look back at this and be really happy I documented my thoughts and the things that were happening in our lives. So I just need to make the time for it!
--Things with Mike have been better. I'm trying to focus more on the good things and less on the bad ones, and see if I can recapture the love I had. We had sex yesterday for the first time in probably 6 weeks. Eek. But it was nice, and he was happy.
--I had my 6-month post-partum checkup with the OB and talked to her about the physical pain I was having during sex. She did an exam and clued right in on where the pain was. My skin did something weird when growing back from the stitching, so she gave me a steroid cream to use. It gave me some other discomfort, so I didn't use it the full time I was supposed to. I probably should, though, because it still hurt (though not as much) when Mike and I had sex yesterday.
--Michaela is doing GREAT! She's enormous-- tall and heavy. She is eating solid foods now. She's has avocado, banana, green beans, butternut squash, carrots, and, as of today, cottage cheese. Banana is her favorite; green beans are her least favorite. She has two teeth now that have broken the gums. She's sitting up very well, and is so curious about the world around her.
--With her new solid food consumption, Michaela isn't drinking as much breast milk, so I don't have to pump as often. I am now not getting up in the middle of the night to pump, which is fabulous. She sleeps through the night and now I can, too!
--Work is going great. I was working really, really long days on a project for weeks, a month or two ago, but now it's calmed down and I'm back to my normal schedule.
--We went on vacation to visit Mike's family and had a blast. It was one of the best vacations I've eve had, hands down. The grandparents and uncles and aunt were excited to see Michaela, and we had a really nice week relaxing and spending time together. It's going to become an annual tradition, and I have to say, I can't wait!
--I'm looking at hiring someone to take care of the baby one day a week. My mom is going to take her on Thursdays for the next 11 weeks while Mike teaches a morning class, but I still feel like it would be good to have help another day a week so he can concentrate on his business. I need to do some research to see what questions one should ask a potential baby sitter/nanny.
--Mike's mom and stepdad are coming to visit in two weeks. His mom just retired, so she's going to stay for about 10 days. Then her hubby will come and they'll watch Michaela while Mike and I head to Northern California for a friend's wedding. Should be a nice getaway.
--My best friend lives in Chicago and had twins about 2.5 months ago. I'm going to go visit her sometime in the next couple of months. It'll just be me and Michaela, but it should be a blast. Another friend just moved there, too, so I'll also get to see her while we're out. Just need to find a date and book my tix!
--We're talking about doing a cruise in October with Mike's mom and stepdad or mom and grandma (his grandpa died a few months ago). It would be a cruise we've done before, but still, a fun trip. This year has involved a lot of travel!
--I continue to suffer form itching when I get too hot. apparently that's here to stay. When I exercise or when it's warm out, or if I stay in the hot shower too long... BAM! Itchy rash. Ugh!
--My birthday is in about two months. I've gotta decide what to do. My treat to myself may be my trip to Chicago. And that's okay. Michaela's 1st birthday is 5 months from today (I know! How is it possible my baby is 7 months old?!?) and I'm trying to decide what we should do to celebrate it. Since Mike's family is split (mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom), it's a little more awkward, and since it's so close to Christmas, there are other considerations. I'm thinking we may just do something small-- like we'll do a cake for Michaela and invite my parents and invite all of Mike's parents-- and tell any family members who live somewhere else they're welcome to join us for Christmas if they want. I don't think anyone will-- Mike's mom and stepdad will have just been out in October, and with Mike's grandpa having passed away, they won't leave his grandma; and Mike's dad and stepmom have talked about coming in February or March, so they probably wouldn't come twice in such a short period of time-- but it's nice to offer and to get it on the calendar.
That's all for now. I will try to return to my days of being good about posting. I know someday, I'll look back at this and be really happy I documented my thoughts and the things that were happening in our lives. So I just need to make the time for it!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Note to Self
Two other things I want to write about soon:
Freaked out baby, frustrated mom. Separation anxiety?
Pregnant? Nope.
Freaked out baby, frustrated mom. Separation anxiety?
Pregnant? Nope.
The Latest
The weeks since I last wrote have been crazy.
Mike and I had a really rough stretch. REALLY ROUGH. Like, "oh my god, I have to get out of this relationship NOW" rough. Sometimes I get so angry. I'm not sure why I have so much anger bottled up inside me. When it happens, I just want to provoke him and I say really mean, hurtful things, intentionally, just to get a rise out of him. I just want to make him react. I'm not sure if it's a test, to see if he really loves me or what. It's sort of weird to do that when I've come to the decision that I love him but am not in love with him. Maybe it's a sign that I am in love with him. Or maybe it's just a sign that I'm a big bitch.
I have been thinking seriously about therapy. I think we should have some, but I also think I should have some. I go through periodic bouts of depression, and while I don't feel like this is one of those, I would like to get to the bottom of why I have so much anger. Where does it come from and what can I do about it?
Michaela has been great. She is going through a growth spurt, I think. She's been drinking a lot and has even awakened a couple of times each night, hungry. She doesn't usually do that. We started giving her solid food a couple of days ago. We began with avocado, which she doesn't seem to like very much. We just give her a little bit, once a day, mostly to get her used to the idea of eating real food.
I had to turn in my hospital grade pump, finally. I rented it for one month, waaaay back in December. I got an extension that took me to February, then a special one that took me to mid-March. For some reason, the final extension didn't make it into the computer, so the med device company called me, I told them to check with my doctor's office and get back to me. They didn't get back to me for a long time. Like until mid-April. We had some mis-communication then, so when all was said and done, they didn't contact me to get back the pump until mid-May. Total cost for five months of Lactina Select pump rental? $18. Yup.
I miss the pump, though. My Pump in Style is fine for on-the-go, but since I am an exclusive pumper, I definitely miss the higher powered hospital grade pump. The other thing I miss about having the Lactina is that I could keep my PIS ready for travel, because it wasn't my primary pump. Before I could just grab it and go, more or less. Now that I only have the PIS, anytime I go anywhere (like out for the day, or traveling), I have to pack it up, make sure I have everything, take it with me, bring it back, unpack it.
Speaking of traveling, I have to go away next month for three days for work. The good thing is, this time I think I will be much less agonized about it. I'm looking forward to some me time, even if I will be sharing a suite with some of my coworkers. My college roommate lives near where I'll be, so we're going to get together for dinner, which is a nice treat. I don't get to see her anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Getting to do it on my company's dime is awesome.
She and her husband are trying to get pregnant, without any luck. I feel really bad for her. Wish there was something I could do. But there isn't, except being a good friend and listening when she wants to talk. (Or in our case, since we do more emailing than phone talking, replying thoughtfully when she writes.)
My best friend, who had twins about a month ago, seems to be doing well. I am so excited to meet the babies. Not sure when that will be, given that we live 1500 miles apart. It makes me miss the good old days of college, when we all lived down the hall from each other.
Speaking of college, last weekend was my 10 year college reunion. I didn't go, because I keep in touch with the people I want to keep in touch with. Still. It's weird to think I've been out of college for TEN YEARS. Wow.
I've been out of high school even longer, obviously. But the thing about Facebook is that I feel so much closer to my high school (and junior high school) friends! I'm actually really excited for our next reunion-- which will be a 20 year reunion, in 6 more years-- because with FB, I know what they're up to, and we share stories and pictures of our kids. I know the 6 years will go by really quickly, too...
That's all for now. More soon, I hope.
Mike and I had a really rough stretch. REALLY ROUGH. Like, "oh my god, I have to get out of this relationship NOW" rough. Sometimes I get so angry. I'm not sure why I have so much anger bottled up inside me. When it happens, I just want to provoke him and I say really mean, hurtful things, intentionally, just to get a rise out of him. I just want to make him react. I'm not sure if it's a test, to see if he really loves me or what. It's sort of weird to do that when I've come to the decision that I love him but am not in love with him. Maybe it's a sign that I am in love with him. Or maybe it's just a sign that I'm a big bitch.
I have been thinking seriously about therapy. I think we should have some, but I also think I should have some. I go through periodic bouts of depression, and while I don't feel like this is one of those, I would like to get to the bottom of why I have so much anger. Where does it come from and what can I do about it?
Michaela has been great. She is going through a growth spurt, I think. She's been drinking a lot and has even awakened a couple of times each night, hungry. She doesn't usually do that. We started giving her solid food a couple of days ago. We began with avocado, which she doesn't seem to like very much. We just give her a little bit, once a day, mostly to get her used to the idea of eating real food.
I had to turn in my hospital grade pump, finally. I rented it for one month, waaaay back in December. I got an extension that took me to February, then a special one that took me to mid-March. For some reason, the final extension didn't make it into the computer, so the med device company called me, I told them to check with my doctor's office and get back to me. They didn't get back to me for a long time. Like until mid-April. We had some mis-communication then, so when all was said and done, they didn't contact me to get back the pump until mid-May. Total cost for five months of Lactina Select pump rental? $18. Yup.
I miss the pump, though. My Pump in Style is fine for on-the-go, but since I am an exclusive pumper, I definitely miss the higher powered hospital grade pump. The other thing I miss about having the Lactina is that I could keep my PIS ready for travel, because it wasn't my primary pump. Before I could just grab it and go, more or less. Now that I only have the PIS, anytime I go anywhere (like out for the day, or traveling), I have to pack it up, make sure I have everything, take it with me, bring it back, unpack it.
Speaking of traveling, I have to go away next month for three days for work. The good thing is, this time I think I will be much less agonized about it. I'm looking forward to some me time, even if I will be sharing a suite with some of my coworkers. My college roommate lives near where I'll be, so we're going to get together for dinner, which is a nice treat. I don't get to see her anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Getting to do it on my company's dime is awesome.
She and her husband are trying to get pregnant, without any luck. I feel really bad for her. Wish there was something I could do. But there isn't, except being a good friend and listening when she wants to talk. (Or in our case, since we do more emailing than phone talking, replying thoughtfully when she writes.)
My best friend, who had twins about a month ago, seems to be doing well. I am so excited to meet the babies. Not sure when that will be, given that we live 1500 miles apart. It makes me miss the good old days of college, when we all lived down the hall from each other.
Speaking of college, last weekend was my 10 year college reunion. I didn't go, because I keep in touch with the people I want to keep in touch with. Still. It's weird to think I've been out of college for TEN YEARS. Wow.
I've been out of high school even longer, obviously. But the thing about Facebook is that I feel so much closer to my high school (and junior high school) friends! I'm actually really excited for our next reunion-- which will be a 20 year reunion, in 6 more years-- because with FB, I know what they're up to, and we share stories and pictures of our kids. I know the 6 years will go by really quickly, too...
That's all for now. More soon, I hope.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Mother's Day Wrap Up
I wrote this on Monday, the day after Mother's Day.
I had an absolutely wonderful mother's day. Mike treated me like a queen, and I even got a gift and a card from Michaela. I slept in, had breakfast and dinner served to me, took a walk and had a picnic lunch, luxuriated in a bubble bath mike drew for me. Not too shabby. My mom and brother called me and wished me a happy mother's day, as did my mother-in-law and her husband. I made cards for each of the great grandparents from Michaela, and those went over big. Everyone loved the pictures I used, and I personalized them with "Happy Mother's Day, Great Grandma X" on them.
I also reached out to many of my friends who are moms. I made brownies for several of the local moms, and delivered them with cards earlier in the week. I also left messages for other friends via Facebook.
This year, Mother's Day meant so much to me. Not only because it's my first Mother's Day and I wanted to celebrate that fact, but because it's the first time I really understood how much goes into being a mom and how much work it is. So I wanted to celebrate that with my friends and family, and honor them.
Last night, I put Michaela to bed. I fed her and sat with her in the rocker and told her all the things I love about her and how much I want for her to have a good life. I'm still overwhelmed by how much love I have for her. I love her more than everyone else in the world, and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. My whole heart swells when I think about her.
And she's growing up so fast! In two days, she'll be five months old. She's holding her head up and even sitting up by herself (when we spread her legs wide. it's more of a feat of balance than of strength, but oh well).
In fact, last Thursday, Mike called me after their sign language class and told me she'd sat up by herself for the first time. I was excited, but also really sad I wasn't there to see it. I realize I have a great set up, and I certainly am not complaining, but still. It was hard to know he was there for it, and all the other moms in the class were there for it, and I was at home working. A friend of mine reminded me that there will be lots of other firsts and that I'll get to be there for them, which is very true, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
My mom has been working with Michaela to get her to say "mama." She is bound and determined that "mama" should be the baby's first word. Prior to mother's day, she was really working to get Michaela to try to say it for the holiday, but no such luck. Still, I was touched by the gesture.
I was also touched by the nice thing my mom said, which she also echoed in the card she gave me for Mother's Day. She said I'm a good mom and that it gives her a lot of pleasure to watch me with Michaela. It was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me. My mom was a really good mommy, so that's high praise from her.
(In fact, my mom continues to be a good mommy. She takes great care of Michaela and me, even now!)
I had an absolutely wonderful mother's day. Mike treated me like a queen, and I even got a gift and a card from Michaela. I slept in, had breakfast and dinner served to me, took a walk and had a picnic lunch, luxuriated in a bubble bath mike drew for me. Not too shabby. My mom and brother called me and wished me a happy mother's day, as did my mother-in-law and her husband. I made cards for each of the great grandparents from Michaela, and those went over big. Everyone loved the pictures I used, and I personalized them with "Happy Mother's Day, Great Grandma X" on them.
I also reached out to many of my friends who are moms. I made brownies for several of the local moms, and delivered them with cards earlier in the week. I also left messages for other friends via Facebook.
This year, Mother's Day meant so much to me. Not only because it's my first Mother's Day and I wanted to celebrate that fact, but because it's the first time I really understood how much goes into being a mom and how much work it is. So I wanted to celebrate that with my friends and family, and honor them.
Last night, I put Michaela to bed. I fed her and sat with her in the rocker and told her all the things I love about her and how much I want for her to have a good life. I'm still overwhelmed by how much love I have for her. I love her more than everyone else in the world, and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. My whole heart swells when I think about her.
And she's growing up so fast! In two days, she'll be five months old. She's holding her head up and even sitting up by herself (when we spread her legs wide. it's more of a feat of balance than of strength, but oh well).
In fact, last Thursday, Mike called me after their sign language class and told me she'd sat up by herself for the first time. I was excited, but also really sad I wasn't there to see it. I realize I have a great set up, and I certainly am not complaining, but still. It was hard to know he was there for it, and all the other moms in the class were there for it, and I was at home working. A friend of mine reminded me that there will be lots of other firsts and that I'll get to be there for them, which is very true, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
My mom has been working with Michaela to get her to say "mama." She is bound and determined that "mama" should be the baby's first word. Prior to mother's day, she was really working to get Michaela to try to say it for the holiday, but no such luck. Still, I was touched by the gesture.
I was also touched by the nice thing my mom said, which she also echoed in the card she gave me for Mother's Day. She said I'm a good mom and that it gives her a lot of pleasure to watch me with Michaela. It was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me. My mom was a really good mommy, so that's high praise from her.
(In fact, my mom continues to be a good mommy. She takes great care of Michaela and me, even now!)
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Traveling Adventure
*I wrote this 3 days ago. Couldn't post while I was on vacation.*
In my last post, I mentioned that we're in Denver. I wanted to be sure to capture the details of Michaela's first flight.
I'd been nervous, more about getting through the airport with all the stuff we had to haul than about Michaela actually flying. I was also concerned about the altitude, because traveling from sea level to the Mile High City is hard on me, and I know what to do to make the change in altitude easier. Michaela, on the other hand, doesn't, and she can't tell me what's wrong if something hurts. I did some research on the internet and I talked to the pediatrician about what to look for, and that was really all I could do.
The morning of travel started off okay. We were on time with everything-- hooray! The dog went to our friends' house, Mike called for a cab. We had a lot of stuff to carry, but we'd organized it so it made sense. Getting into the taxi, I noticed it looked like we only had 1 of our 2 suitcases with us. Mike ran back inside the house to get something else, so I assumed he'd gotten the other bag. He got into the car and I said, "did you get both bags?" He said yeah. We got to the airport, were unloading the cab's trunk, and found... that we'd left one of the bags at home. Uh huh.
Turns out Mike wasn't listening to me and just said yes, without knowing what he was saying yes to. So we had to split up. Mike and Michaela and one of our bags went into the airport to get checked in. I went back to the house with the taxi (and the crazy Russian taxi driver) and the carry ons (laptop bag, breast pump, small bag with lunch), grabbed the other bag, and back we turned, this time with the additional carry on suitcase.
Total damage? $45. The airport is about 7 miles from our house. Ouch.
So I find Mike, go through screening. Hello, why am I beeping while going through the metal detectors? Oh, I'm wearing a belt because I've lost so much weight my jeans fall off if I don't. Take that off, add it to the pile (2 laptops, plus all the carry on crap, plus my jacket and shoes). Mike has to go through the metal detector twice. Why? Because he's holding a stuffed animal for Michaela. Gotta put it on the conveyor belt.
And since I have milk for the baby, and since one of the carry ons got flagged for extra screening, there we go, off to secondary screening. Just me and the other evil doers-- an 80 year old blind guy and an older white woman. Thanks, TSA, for keeping our country safe from lactating moms and old people.
We get up to the gate and settle in. Michaela is sleeping and is doing great. I went to the bathroom to pump. (There's a lactation room, but it's in the terminal downstairs, not by the gates. Good location for it, huh?)
Get on the plane, Michaela does fine. Sleeps the whole way. Get picked up by Mike's mom, go to grandma's house for a dinner with the whole family. Everyone loves Michaela; she gets passed around from loving relative to loving relative. It was very nice.
Mike's grandma, who i should add is a VERY nice woman and who treats me very well, gave me a doll for Michaela out of her collection. Grandma collects dolls and stuffed bears and has a huge collection. Dolls of all different shapes and sizes and materials and everything else. Let me just say that the doll she gave me is black-- it has dark skin, curly/kinky hair. It's not an Aunt Jemima doll, so it's not the like doll is racist, but I definitely had a reaction when she gave it to me. I was nice, but it bothered me. All I can think about is, if Michaela had lighter skin, would she have gotten a white doll from her great grandmother?
I asked Mike if I was crazy for having a reaction and he said no, so that's good. He is full of white privilege-- so much so, that he doesn't even believe in the concept of white privilege. So for him to think it was weird makes me think even more that it was an inappropriate decision. I mean, for christ's sake, she could have given me (Michaela) a stuffed animal!
Other than that, the trip has been fairly uneventful. Mike's grandpa died about 6 weeks ago, so it's definitely different than the last time we were here or spent time with his family. But I think the presence of the baby makes a big, positive difference.
We went into the mountains and saw snow capped mountains. It actually snowed this morning, so I went out and enjoyed it. It was my first time in falling snow! Tomorrow, we're going to see some of Mike's friends-- lunch with a friend from high school and dinner with one of his college friends. I haven't met many of Mike's friends from his high school and college days, so I'm really curious to meet them.
We return home on Saturday, so I still have another airport ordeal to look forward to. Fingers crossed, it will be smooth like our trip out here.
In my last post, I mentioned that we're in Denver. I wanted to be sure to capture the details of Michaela's first flight.
I'd been nervous, more about getting through the airport with all the stuff we had to haul than about Michaela actually flying. I was also concerned about the altitude, because traveling from sea level to the Mile High City is hard on me, and I know what to do to make the change in altitude easier. Michaela, on the other hand, doesn't, and she can't tell me what's wrong if something hurts. I did some research on the internet and I talked to the pediatrician about what to look for, and that was really all I could do.
The morning of travel started off okay. We were on time with everything-- hooray! The dog went to our friends' house, Mike called for a cab. We had a lot of stuff to carry, but we'd organized it so it made sense. Getting into the taxi, I noticed it looked like we only had 1 of our 2 suitcases with us. Mike ran back inside the house to get something else, so I assumed he'd gotten the other bag. He got into the car and I said, "did you get both bags?" He said yeah. We got to the airport, were unloading the cab's trunk, and found... that we'd left one of the bags at home. Uh huh.
Turns out Mike wasn't listening to me and just said yes, without knowing what he was saying yes to. So we had to split up. Mike and Michaela and one of our bags went into the airport to get checked in. I went back to the house with the taxi (and the crazy Russian taxi driver) and the carry ons (laptop bag, breast pump, small bag with lunch), grabbed the other bag, and back we turned, this time with the additional carry on suitcase.
Total damage? $45. The airport is about 7 miles from our house. Ouch.
So I find Mike, go through screening. Hello, why am I beeping while going through the metal detectors? Oh, I'm wearing a belt because I've lost so much weight my jeans fall off if I don't. Take that off, add it to the pile (2 laptops, plus all the carry on crap, plus my jacket and shoes). Mike has to go through the metal detector twice. Why? Because he's holding a stuffed animal for Michaela. Gotta put it on the conveyor belt.
And since I have milk for the baby, and since one of the carry ons got flagged for extra screening, there we go, off to secondary screening. Just me and the other evil doers-- an 80 year old blind guy and an older white woman. Thanks, TSA, for keeping our country safe from lactating moms and old people.
We get up to the gate and settle in. Michaela is sleeping and is doing great. I went to the bathroom to pump. (There's a lactation room, but it's in the terminal downstairs, not by the gates. Good location for it, huh?)
Get on the plane, Michaela does fine. Sleeps the whole way. Get picked up by Mike's mom, go to grandma's house for a dinner with the whole family. Everyone loves Michaela; she gets passed around from loving relative to loving relative. It was very nice.
Mike's grandma, who i should add is a VERY nice woman and who treats me very well, gave me a doll for Michaela out of her collection. Grandma collects dolls and stuffed bears and has a huge collection. Dolls of all different shapes and sizes and materials and everything else. Let me just say that the doll she gave me is black-- it has dark skin, curly/kinky hair. It's not an Aunt Jemima doll, so it's not the like doll is racist, but I definitely had a reaction when she gave it to me. I was nice, but it bothered me. All I can think about is, if Michaela had lighter skin, would she have gotten a white doll from her great grandmother?
I asked Mike if I was crazy for having a reaction and he said no, so that's good. He is full of white privilege-- so much so, that he doesn't even believe in the concept of white privilege. So for him to think it was weird makes me think even more that it was an inappropriate decision. I mean, for christ's sake, she could have given me (Michaela) a stuffed animal!
Other than that, the trip has been fairly uneventful. Mike's grandpa died about 6 weeks ago, so it's definitely different than the last time we were here or spent time with his family. But I think the presence of the baby makes a big, positive difference.
We went into the mountains and saw snow capped mountains. It actually snowed this morning, so I went out and enjoyed it. It was my first time in falling snow! Tomorrow, we're going to see some of Mike's friends-- lunch with a friend from high school and dinner with one of his college friends. I haven't met many of Mike's friends from his high school and college days, so I'm really curious to meet them.
We return home on Saturday, so I still have another airport ordeal to look forward to. Fingers crossed, it will be smooth like our trip out here.
Trying
*I wrote this 3 days ago. Couldn't post while I was on vacation.*
I guess I sort of left everything hanging after my last post. I feel like the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thought was a bombshell. After I had the epiphany, it was all I could think about. All day, for days after it hit me, I was in a bit of a funk. I was brooding over it, thinking about it, turning the words around and around in my head. A few days after, Mike and Michaela and I were on our way to a local festival and I almost started crying. The weight of what I had been thinking struck me and I was SO SAD. It made me sad for the passion that has gone and sad as I contemplated my future-- and Michaela's future. And then it hit me that perhaps I could try to find a new way of loving Mike and we could build something new. Of course, it's hard for a couple to build something new when only one person knows that's what's going on, but it would kill Mike if I told him.
And so I have been trying to think back to what we had and to let that rosy glow cast a little light on today. I've wandered down memory lane and have spent a lot of time reminiscing with myself.
As I type this, we're in Denver, visiting Mike's family. I love his family and they are very good to me and to Michaela. It's been really nice to have people to take the baby, to change the baby, to feed the baby, leaving us to sleep in a little bit and to relax a little bit. In fact, being less stressed has totally made me feel more in love with Mike. I also think being surrounded by family makes me think about how much I want Michaela to have a big, happy family, and makes me want to try harder to make it so.
Mike even commented to me today that I seem much happier and that I seem to want to be around him. It's really sad that he normally feels like I don't want to be around him, and I need to hold on to this feeling as we return home.
I guess I sort of left everything hanging after my last post. I feel like the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thought was a bombshell. After I had the epiphany, it was all I could think about. All day, for days after it hit me, I was in a bit of a funk. I was brooding over it, thinking about it, turning the words around and around in my head. A few days after, Mike and Michaela and I were on our way to a local festival and I almost started crying. The weight of what I had been thinking struck me and I was SO SAD. It made me sad for the passion that has gone and sad as I contemplated my future-- and Michaela's future. And then it hit me that perhaps I could try to find a new way of loving Mike and we could build something new. Of course, it's hard for a couple to build something new when only one person knows that's what's going on, but it would kill Mike if I told him.
And so I have been trying to think back to what we had and to let that rosy glow cast a little light on today. I've wandered down memory lane and have spent a lot of time reminiscing with myself.
As I type this, we're in Denver, visiting Mike's family. I love his family and they are very good to me and to Michaela. It's been really nice to have people to take the baby, to change the baby, to feed the baby, leaving us to sleep in a little bit and to relax a little bit. In fact, being less stressed has totally made me feel more in love with Mike. I also think being surrounded by family makes me think about how much I want Michaela to have a big, happy family, and makes me want to try harder to make it so.
Mike even commented to me today that I seem much happier and that I seem to want to be around him. It's really sad that he normally feels like I don't want to be around him, and I need to hold on to this feeling as we return home.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Living a Cliche
Everyone has heard the line, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It's cheesy, and it's lame. It's the classic cheesy, lame break up line. But I have been thinking about it almost nonstop for the last 24 hours.
Mike and I were fighting last night. Again. And he said to me that even when we fight, he loves me, but he feels like maybe I don't love him. That he feels like it's been like this since before we got married. I was gobsmacked. I don't want him to feel that way... But then I started thinking, and I am worried that he's right. I'm worried that I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore.
When he was gone, I missed him, but not like I've missed him before. I missed his familiar presence. I missed chatting with him and knowing what he was doing. Sort of like I miss my friends when they're not around. I used to feel a soul-sucking loss when he was gone, even if it was just overnight.
Then there's sex. Or rather, there isn't. We used to have a really active sex life and now we don't. I just don't feel much like doing it anymore, and when we do have sex, I mostly want it to be over with as soon as possible. I don't really like to kiss him much anymore-- not with tongue, anyway. I do give him pecks on the cheek or on the mouth all the time.
Of course, things change, so it's not like I expect to feel the same exact degree of passion I felt before, but I guess it's dawned on me how little passion I feel. I love Mike very much. He's a good person and he gave me a gorgeous baby. And I don't *not* want to be with him, I'm just not currently feeling like I absolutely *do* want to. I feel like I'm 80 and in one of those relationships where the passion has faded, but you have good companionship. Except Mike's not content with that, and I know I shouldn't be, either. It's not good for any of us, including Michaela.
Can I get my passion back? And if so, how?
Mike and I were fighting last night. Again. And he said to me that even when we fight, he loves me, but he feels like maybe I don't love him. That he feels like it's been like this since before we got married. I was gobsmacked. I don't want him to feel that way... But then I started thinking, and I am worried that he's right. I'm worried that I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore.
When he was gone, I missed him, but not like I've missed him before. I missed his familiar presence. I missed chatting with him and knowing what he was doing. Sort of like I miss my friends when they're not around. I used to feel a soul-sucking loss when he was gone, even if it was just overnight.
Then there's sex. Or rather, there isn't. We used to have a really active sex life and now we don't. I just don't feel much like doing it anymore, and when we do have sex, I mostly want it to be over with as soon as possible. I don't really like to kiss him much anymore-- not with tongue, anyway. I do give him pecks on the cheek or on the mouth all the time.
Of course, things change, so it's not like I expect to feel the same exact degree of passion I felt before, but I guess it's dawned on me how little passion I feel. I love Mike very much. He's a good person and he gave me a gorgeous baby. And I don't *not* want to be with him, I'm just not currently feeling like I absolutely *do* want to. I feel like I'm 80 and in one of those relationships where the passion has faded, but you have good companionship. Except Mike's not content with that, and I know I shouldn't be, either. It's not good for any of us, including Michaela.
Can I get my passion back? And if so, how?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Sleep disturbance
It shouldn't be harder to have Mike here than gone, but right now, it feels like it is. Mike was gone Friday morning through last night on a trip. He was in Vegas, whooping it up with his brothers and I was home with the baby. My mom came over Friday and helped me with her, and I went to her house Monday so she could help while I was on conference calls for work, but I spent all of the nights taking care of Michaela myself.
Mike gets back last night and is pooped. Of course he is, all he did was drink and gamble and walk and party for four days. Still, he "generously" offers to get up with Michaela in the middle of the night. We put her down at about 9 p.m. At 12:30 a.m., I get up to pump. Mike is still awake. At 2:30, Michaela gets up and Mike changes and feeds her (feeds her in our bed, which I have specifically asked him not to do). At 5:30, I get up to pump again. At 7, Michaela wakes up hungry. I ask Mike to feed her and he says he's tired. I remind him that he said he'd get up with her and he says he only said he'd do it at night and that it was now morning. I asked him to do it anyway. He gets up, pops a pacifier in her mouth and comes back to bed. She proceeds to make noise and suck loudly on her hand for the next half hour, a time period in which I can't go back to sleep because all I can hear is my baby. I don't blame Michaela-- she was hungry. So at 7:30, I get up and feed her. Mike promptly goes back to sleep. It's now a little after 8 and I'm up for the day. I can't go back to sleep once I get up at this time of the morning.
I am pissed off because I have to get up multiple times a night EVERY NIGHT, whether Michaela sleeps through it or not. And I manage. I'm pissed because I know that he's tired, but he has no one to blame but himself. He got to sleep full nights of sleep, 3 nights in a row. He could have partied less hard if it was going to be so difficult for him to get up. He could have gone to bed before 1:30 last night. I am pissed off because it's chicken shit to pull the "I'm tired" card without any regard to the fact that I was the only one getting up with her while he was gone and that I have to get up multiple times a night every night. It would have been a really nice gesture on his part to suck it up and get up. Not to mention the fact that he can take a nap today during the day. I can't because I will be working.
That's what I mean when I say it should be easier when he's here than harder.
Mike gets back last night and is pooped. Of course he is, all he did was drink and gamble and walk and party for four days. Still, he "generously" offers to get up with Michaela in the middle of the night. We put her down at about 9 p.m. At 12:30 a.m., I get up to pump. Mike is still awake. At 2:30, Michaela gets up and Mike changes and feeds her (feeds her in our bed, which I have specifically asked him not to do). At 5:30, I get up to pump again. At 7, Michaela wakes up hungry. I ask Mike to feed her and he says he's tired. I remind him that he said he'd get up with her and he says he only said he'd do it at night and that it was now morning. I asked him to do it anyway. He gets up, pops a pacifier in her mouth and comes back to bed. She proceeds to make noise and suck loudly on her hand for the next half hour, a time period in which I can't go back to sleep because all I can hear is my baby. I don't blame Michaela-- she was hungry. So at 7:30, I get up and feed her. Mike promptly goes back to sleep. It's now a little after 8 and I'm up for the day. I can't go back to sleep once I get up at this time of the morning.
I am pissed off because I have to get up multiple times a night EVERY NIGHT, whether Michaela sleeps through it or not. And I manage. I'm pissed because I know that he's tired, but he has no one to blame but himself. He got to sleep full nights of sleep, 3 nights in a row. He could have partied less hard if it was going to be so difficult for him to get up. He could have gone to bed before 1:30 last night. I am pissed off because it's chicken shit to pull the "I'm tired" card without any regard to the fact that I was the only one getting up with her while he was gone and that I have to get up multiple times a night every night. It would have been a really nice gesture on his part to suck it up and get up. Not to mention the fact that he can take a nap today during the day. I can't because I will be working.
That's what I mean when I say it should be easier when he's here than harder.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Four Month Update
I try not to be too Type A, too competitive about Michaela. I know that comparing her to other babies is a recipe for disaster. And the doctor has told us that since Michaela was a month early, we should give her an extra month to do things. But I have a couple of friends who have babies around the same age as Michaela. One is a girl who is 10 days younger, the other is a boy who is 2 weeks older. Today I had lunch with the friend with the daughter and I couldn't help but compare the two babies in my head. The girl, V, has rolled over. Michaela hasn't. V can grab her feet. Michaela can't. The boy, S, is smiling a lot and cooing a lot and seems much more... developed... than Michaela.
She'll be four months old tomorrow. I am reminding myself that she is growing by leaps and bounds and that one day equals a large percentage of her life. So I need to give her time and let her grow at her own rate. Besides, there's nothing I can do about it either way.
She is cooing, she smiles. Her vision seems to be really good. Michaela is a happy baby and clearly loves us very much. And I am happy with that!
Tuesday we go to the pediatrician for her four month check up. She'll get some shots (ugh) and get measured and weighed, and we'll get the pediatrician's professional opinion on Michaela's progress. More then!
She'll be four months old tomorrow. I am reminding myself that she is growing by leaps and bounds and that one day equals a large percentage of her life. So I need to give her time and let her grow at her own rate. Besides, there's nothing I can do about it either way.
She is cooing, she smiles. Her vision seems to be really good. Michaela is a happy baby and clearly loves us very much. And I am happy with that!
Tuesday we go to the pediatrician for her four month check up. She'll get some shots (ugh) and get measured and weighed, and we'll get the pediatrician's professional opinion on Michaela's progress. More then!
Yucky formula
I hate - HATE - the way formula smells. It's so disgusting! It reminds me of those nutritional supplements, like Ensure. They're actually pretty similar. I hope I don't ever get sick such that I need nutritional supplements, because I'm not sure I'd be able to take them. Feeling like that makes me feel bad for Michaela when I give her formula. But the way she eats, I don't have much of a choice!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sweetest Thing in the World
I don't always put Michaela to bed, but sometimes I do. I put a disposable diaper on her (blasphemous in our cloth diapering household, but I'm tired of her special areas being red from diaper rash, due to sitting in a wet diaper all night) and then feed her. Michaela will suck pretty good on her bottle and then get tired. Her sucking slows and eventually she'll let me take the bottle out of her mouth. Her eyes close and I cradle her to my chest. She heaves a big sigh and then takes sweet little breaths as she falls asleep. I like to rest my head against hers, or press my lips to her soft skin, and hold her like that for a while before putting her to bed in her crib. Each time I do that, my heart fills with love and I try to make a mental movie of the moment and the feeling, because I know it won't be long. Soon enough, she'll be too big for me to hold like that, and eventually she'll get to a point where she will put herself to bed. So I savor the moment while I can.
Hoppy Easter
We had the nicest Easter dinner-- Michaela's first. It was the most fun I've had at a gathering of my family (outside of my wedding, which doesn't really count) in I don't know how long. My family, as I've mentioned, is weird, but yesterday, everything just came together perfectly.
First, some background.
I don't usually talk to my grandmother because I don't care for her. If we weren't related, I would have nothing to do with her. She's very stiff and formal and judgmental. I don't think she's very nice to certain relatives (including my father, who is the best kid she has who is still living) and there have been a number of things over the years that have made me feel like she's not very nice to me. (Like skipping my wedding rehearsal dinner because she was mad my grandfather's 2nd wife would be there.) She hasn't ever been to our house, though we've lived her for two and a half years. My grandmother supports her 50+ year old son, who I dislike, letting him live in her house rent-free, buying his food, cooking his meals, washing his clothes, etc.
My dad is famous for showing up to family dinners just in time to eat, then leaving about 15 minutes after the eating is done. It's like he has a timer set.
My mother gets weird around Mike sometimes. She thinks he thinks she's weird. Which she is, but he still likes her.
My brother works in a restaurant, and holidays are always their busiest days, so he is always working and can't ever join us for meals.
Against this backdrop, we decided to have people over for Easter. I invited my grandmother, who said she wasn't sure she could come because she couldn't leave my uncle to celebrate the holiday alone. If he'd like to come, I said, he is welcome, too. She said she'd let me know. A few days later, she called me back and said she was coming. My uncle opted to stay home. Fine by me.
My brother said he'd try to stop by, but he didn't know when he'd get off or if he'd be able to make it. I encouraged him to try and told him all the other fun people who would be over and all the delicious food we'd be eating.
My parents accepted our invitation, as did Mike's best friend, who fits right into our family. So I knew we'd be at least 6 people. Mike did all the cooking-- scalloped potatoes, ham, asparagus, brussel sprouts, homemade rosemary bread-- except the dessert, which I made (pineapple upside down cake). My grandmother brought a (from scratch) lemon meringue pie, too.
Everyone gathered. The baby was sleeping at first so we made small talk and finished up the food prep. Michaela woke up and my mom and dad took her. My dad held her for a while and cooed and made sweet sounds and tickled her, which was lovely to see. Normally, I don't get to see that because he never comes over. Michaela got hungry, so my mom fed her. My grandmother and parents talked about Michaela and about how much she's growing, how cute she is, etc.
We'd just sat down to eat when my brother came in, along with his friend and roommate, who our family has known for, like, 20 years. He's practically a member of our family. Everyone was thrilled to see the two of them. It was the first time my brother had joined us for a holiday meal in ages, and the first time my grandmother has seen him in forever.
The conversation flowed and everyone laughed and ate. I felt like the baby, in particular, made a difference. People were happy to see her, happy to be around her. I feel like Michaela made everyone come together and made everyone predisposed to be in a good mood.
A few years ago, Mike and I went to his family's house for Christmas and this incident stuck with me. His cousin's two sons were riding their tricycles into the wall as fast as they could and Mike's uncle was cracking up. Mike and his cousin remarked that when they were kids, that wouldn't have been tolerated, and his uncle not only wouldn't have been laughing, he would have been yelling at and punishing them. But there's something about grandkids that makes stuff like that okay. I think of yesterday's dinner as the first time I've had that realization as it relates to my family.
I kvetch about my family sometimes (okay, a lot), but things like this Easter dinner make me appreciate that as weird as they are, they love us very much and we have fun together.
It's an Easter miracle!
First, some background.
I don't usually talk to my grandmother because I don't care for her. If we weren't related, I would have nothing to do with her. She's very stiff and formal and judgmental. I don't think she's very nice to certain relatives (including my father, who is the best kid she has who is still living) and there have been a number of things over the years that have made me feel like she's not very nice to me. (Like skipping my wedding rehearsal dinner because she was mad my grandfather's 2nd wife would be there.) She hasn't ever been to our house, though we've lived her for two and a half years. My grandmother supports her 50+ year old son, who I dislike, letting him live in her house rent-free, buying his food, cooking his meals, washing his clothes, etc.
My dad is famous for showing up to family dinners just in time to eat, then leaving about 15 minutes after the eating is done. It's like he has a timer set.
My mother gets weird around Mike sometimes. She thinks he thinks she's weird. Which she is, but he still likes her.
My brother works in a restaurant, and holidays are always their busiest days, so he is always working and can't ever join us for meals.
Against this backdrop, we decided to have people over for Easter. I invited my grandmother, who said she wasn't sure she could come because she couldn't leave my uncle to celebrate the holiday alone. If he'd like to come, I said, he is welcome, too. She said she'd let me know. A few days later, she called me back and said she was coming. My uncle opted to stay home. Fine by me.
My brother said he'd try to stop by, but he didn't know when he'd get off or if he'd be able to make it. I encouraged him to try and told him all the other fun people who would be over and all the delicious food we'd be eating.
My parents accepted our invitation, as did Mike's best friend, who fits right into our family. So I knew we'd be at least 6 people. Mike did all the cooking-- scalloped potatoes, ham, asparagus, brussel sprouts, homemade rosemary bread-- except the dessert, which I made (pineapple upside down cake). My grandmother brought a (from scratch) lemon meringue pie, too.
Everyone gathered. The baby was sleeping at first so we made small talk and finished up the food prep. Michaela woke up and my mom and dad took her. My dad held her for a while and cooed and made sweet sounds and tickled her, which was lovely to see. Normally, I don't get to see that because he never comes over. Michaela got hungry, so my mom fed her. My grandmother and parents talked about Michaela and about how much she's growing, how cute she is, etc.
We'd just sat down to eat when my brother came in, along with his friend and roommate, who our family has known for, like, 20 years. He's practically a member of our family. Everyone was thrilled to see the two of them. It was the first time my brother had joined us for a holiday meal in ages, and the first time my grandmother has seen him in forever.
The conversation flowed and everyone laughed and ate. I felt like the baby, in particular, made a difference. People were happy to see her, happy to be around her. I feel like Michaela made everyone come together and made everyone predisposed to be in a good mood.
A few years ago, Mike and I went to his family's house for Christmas and this incident stuck with me. His cousin's two sons were riding their tricycles into the wall as fast as they could and Mike's uncle was cracking up. Mike and his cousin remarked that when they were kids, that wouldn't have been tolerated, and his uncle not only wouldn't have been laughing, he would have been yelling at and punishing them. But there's something about grandkids that makes stuff like that okay. I think of yesterday's dinner as the first time I've had that realization as it relates to my family.
I kvetch about my family sometimes (okay, a lot), but things like this Easter dinner make me appreciate that as weird as they are, they love us very much and we have fun together.
It's an Easter miracle!
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