On my mother

So 15 years ago, I heard my parents fighting. My mom was yelling at my dad and said something about "when I was selling pussy for you." Obviously that means my mom was a hooker at some point, and I'm guessing that means my dad was her pimp. It may also mean that she was trying to make money for him for something. I'm not sure. I never asked. In fact, I've spent 15 years trying to forget I heard that.

Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.

Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.

We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.

I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.

I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.

Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.

Friends, babies, and exercise

Last night, I continued my "friends with babies" tour and hung out with another friend from college, his wife and their 7 month old daughter. (I think I wrote that last weekend, I saw another friend from college, his wife, and their 20 month old daughter.) It was really fun to get to meet this little girl, and also nice to introduce them to Michaela. It's amazing how many of my friends have kids now! It makes me feel old, in some ways, but at the same time, I feel like I'm young to have a baby. I mean, I'm not, of course, but I look at myself in the mirror and think, "I don't look like a mom!" Except I look like me, and I am a mom, so I guess I do look like a mom.

How's that for a deep thought?

I reached out to a friend from high school last night. We have a complicated history, but I was thinking yesterday about something she did for me in high school that was very kind, and it made me want to reach out to her. She is excited to meet Michaela, and even wants me to bring her by her mom's house so her mom can meet the baby, too. I am reminded how loved I am, and how loved Michaela is.

Have I mentioned that I started a training program? C25k. Couch to 5k. I ran once this week, need to do another 2 times before Monday. I guess that leaves today, Saturday, or Sunday. Oy. But it's good for me. I'm back up, weight-wise, and I don't like it. And while I know running won't get rid of the disgusting flap of skin on my belly, it would help to lose weight before I tackle situps. Maybe I should start a fitness blog. ;)

Job changes

I haven't written anything here yet about the latest job news in our household, but there's a lot going on.

Mike, who has been very busy in the last few years juggling a bustling freelance career with full-time work and responsibilities around the house, gave notice today at work. Three weeks from now, he will be on his own, taking the time to expand his freelance business and preparing for his new role of stay-at-home dad.

He was understandably nervous about quitting. Right now, we're making a ton of money between my income, his income, his freelance income, and our rental income. We have mostly banked his income (though not exclusively), so we have a decent size nest egg. But still, with a baby on the way on expenses going up because of that, it's a scary time to turn down $65k/year. Our original plan was that he would quit his job in January, when the baby is born, but I convinced him that it made sense to quit now so he can focus on building the business up to a point that he can be in full swing once January rolls around. He won't officially stop working until Oct. 22, and he just started another gig (teaching two classes at a local college), and then there's also the job of finishing up the renovation on our house. That's obviously very important and has to be done by the time the baby comes. So I expect he'll still be really darn busy!

In terms of my job news, I don't have anything definitive yet, but I have an interesting situation. Someone I used to work for got a new job a couple of months ago. When she'd accepted the position but hadn't told anyone yet where it was, she started talking to me about the chance to work together again. Never one to limit my options, I told her I'd be interested (and I am. She's a great lady and I learned a lot working from her before). When she finally told me where she was working, we revisited the conversation. A few weeks ago, she emailed me a job description for discussion purposes to see if I'd be interested. It would pay what I was making before I took my current job (which came with a $20k/yr pay cut) and WOULD BE BASED AT HOME. I'd still be a director-level, but my 3 hour (or more, depending on traffic) daily commute would be gone. My $400-$500 monthly gas bill would be gone AND my income would go up by more than $1200/month before taxes. How can I say no to that?

I have the feeling that I'm a sure thing. I'm her preferred (and only, at this point) candidate and I've worked with the other people in this company before. We have good relationships. I sent in a cover letter and resume and heard back today asking what my time line looks like. I said I want to give 2 weeks notice-- that's only fair-- but that's my only issue. I do feel badly, because I love my current job. I really do love it. But this other opportunity would be better for my family, and now that I'm a mom, that has to come first. It's a weird thing to wrap my mind around in a lot of ways. Assuming the new job comes through, I'm going to see if my current company wants to keep me on as a consultant to finish a couple of big projects that need to be done by the end of the calendar year.

I still count, right?

My birthday is on Monday. I'll be 30. Woo hoo. I've already written about some angst I'm having around my birthday, but I'm trying to get over that. Today, though, something happened that I'd been wondering about. It wasn't necessarily a nice thing to have it confirmed, either.

My in-laws, who are wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, loving people, sent me a birthday gift. It's a necklace with a pendant on it of a family. Two adults, one child. They're hugging, and the arms of the adults form a heart. It's a very nice necklace, and I know they were thinking of me and about how I'm going to be a mom and all that stuff. But isn't the thing about it being my birthday that it's MY birthday? Not the birthday of the little one growing inside me? Wouldn't THAT be a good day to get a necklace of a family?

What I'm trying to say is, this gift is about me as a mother and as the matriarch of a family. Which is nice, but I wonder if it's the beginning of me as an individual not counting anymore. Now it'll be me as a mom, part of a unit (mom + child). That's quite a change and will definitely take some getting used to.