I feel like every time I write, I open with, "wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote." This time is different, in that I'm starting with "I feel like every time I write..." Ha ha.
So it's the end of November. We're two weeks away from Michaela being a year old. She went from a little poppy seed to a big, vibrant, happy girl. It's incredible how quickly the year has gone. Someone said to me, about being a mom, "the days are slow, but the years are fast." I totally get that. Some days, I am counting down to 7 p.m., when she usually goes to bed. Then I think about how old Michaela is and my mind is blown all over again.
So, since October, a lot has happened. We went on our cruise, which was very nice. Mike, Michaela and I cruised to Mexico with Mike's mom and stepdad. The trip was a success. I got time to relax (went to the spa, got a massage and a facial) and had a break from the day-to-day, and we all had fun. The grandparents loved spending time with Michaela. Mike and his stepdad took a ton of pictures, which they both enjoy. While on the trip, Michaela started saying "mama," "dada," and "nana."
Our cruise was over Halloween, so Michaela spent her first Halloween dressed adorably as a monkey while heading to paradise. It was very, very warm, so she only wore the costume for about 10 minutes. Nonetheless, we captured the moment with pictures, which was all I wanted.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Michaela had a blast. A total blast. Mike make turkey and all the fixings and I made Michaela a plate of them, which she got to feed herself. She crammed fistfuls of cranberry sauce, stuffing, mashed potatoes, turkey and a roll in her face while Mike and I took pictures. She loved the food and had a lot of fun.
I was less than excited about the way Thanksgiving went down from a family standpoint. We were supposed to go to the Bay Area to spend some time with Mike's grandma. Mike ended up having to work Friday night, so we couldn't drive all the way up to Nor. Cal. and then back in time for him to work. Mike dilly-dallied in letting his grandma know, which I thought was really disrespectful. I was really looking forward to spending time with her, and for her to get to see Michaela (who she hasn't seen since the baby was a month old). So that was a bummer. When we ended up having to stay home, I invited my parents over. They declined. Yup, declined. Just like last year, when I had to call and beg them to come (which they did). So lame. And hurtful.
This year's excuse was that my dad needed to wrap up his moving. Yup, he's moving into my mom's house. Finally. After six years of their living apart.
So back in October, my dad got a call from the woman who owns the house my family has rented for the last 24 years. The house I grew up in. The woman said she was having an inspector come by because she was having the house refinanced. It sounded totally sketchy, because why would you randomly have an inspector come when you haven't been to the house for 20 years? The owner literally never went there, never looked at the state of the property, never put any money into fixing anything up, never... anything. So the whole thing was very fishy. Mike and I seized the opportunity. Mike called the owner and asked her if she was thinking about selling. She stuck to the refi story. Fine. He told her if they needed money, if they were thinking about refinancing, that we (Mike and I) would be interested in buying the place. They talked for quite some time and ended the conversation with her saying we should talk again in the middle of November. We went off on our cruise and when our ship pulled back into San Diego, I called my mom, whol told me that my dad had gotten a registered letter from the owner saying she was selling the house and he had to be out in a month. WHAT?
My parents (Well, now my dad) rent(s) the house, they don't own it. It was the right of the owners to sell their house. I don't blame the owners for selling it. I blame them for the way it went down. Why did the owner lie to my dad? Why did she lie to Mike? Why not call my dad and tel him what the deal was and then follow up with a letter? Really, after renting for 24 years, the way he found out was by a certified letter? The whole thing was totally fucked up.
So my dad, who doesn't deal well with change, was pretty shell shocked. He had to work on clearing out all of his possessions-- mainly cars and car parts, which is the reason he was still living there and not at my mom's house-- and work full time and everything else. Oy. He has been making good progress, and he got a lot of his stuff moved to a storage unit. His non-car personal belongings went to my mom's house. Or should I say, to *their* house.
Now my mom is all freaked out about them moving back in together. For the last six years, all she has been talking about is wanting my dad to move in with her. I'm not sure why, since they hated living together. But now she has her wish. Now don't get me wrong. I don't blame her for being nervous, but I wish for a second, she would at least acknowledge that she's finally getting what she wants. Even though it's a case of "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it."
At any rate. My dad gave the excuse that he couldn't come to dinner at our house because he was emptying out his house in preparation for the move. So he didn't come. I talked to my brother, who has a way of offering perspective on family-related situations (that's why I'd like to give Michaela a sibling-- so Michaela has the option of talking to someone else about how crazy Mike and I are). He basically told me I need to give up on inviting them to family stuff. That all of them-- my mom and dad and bro-- love me but show it in a different way and that I need to just meet them where they are and not expect them to meet me where I am. It's good advice. It's also easier said than done.
I was really angry at my dad. He gets so hurt that Michaela cries whenever she sees him. She does that because she doesn't see him very often. Now, she surely will see him more often once my dad moves in with my mom, but for the meantime... But I invite him over, give him the chance to spend time with Michaela, and he turns it down. And it's not just this one time. This happened last year, pre-Michaela. But it also happens all the time now. I invite both of my parents over and they refuse on a regular basis. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I expect more of them than that. Even at the same time I am happy with how good they are when they're with Michaela, I wish they could just be... normal. There, I said it. Normal. Maybe there's no such thing as normal. Maybe I've watched too many sitcoms in my life. But there it is.
Well, on that note... I'm going to go pump. I've been pumping for the last 11 1/2 months. My time with my Pump in Style is drawing to an end. I'm glad, so I can have my body back, but I'm also really proud that I've managed to do so for so long. Michaela may not have been exclusively breastfed, but she had an awful lot of breast milk!
And she's doing really well. She has 8 teeth and more on the way. She laughs, she waves hi and bye, she can sort of walk behind her walker toy thing. She crawls like a mad woman and does some cruising. She is a hoot. I love her so much.
That's a good place to end. Remind me next time to write about my upcoming promotion, about Mike's work, about the $3k I won(!), and about #2.
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
September
Somewhere along the line, I went from the mother of a baby to the mother of an infant. It's really amazing. I'm not sure how it happened. Michaela is 9 months old now and she's just the coolest kid. She's super curious about things. She loves animals. She loves the wind in her hair. She loves her grandma (my mom). Whenever we go to my mom's house, Michaela gets the HUGEST smile and always laughs. It's tremendously sweet.
And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.
She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.
Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.
And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.
We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...
Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.
Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!
Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!
I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!
That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.
(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)
And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.
She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.
Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.
And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.
We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...
Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.
Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!
Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!
I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!
That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.
(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Sleepover
Mike is out of town for 5 days (!) for his grandfather's memorial service, so I'm alone with Michaela. My mom came over yesterday to help watch her while I was working, and then stayed the night. It was a nice time, though I did get really frustrated because my mom overstimulated the baby at bedtime, which made Michaela think it was time to be awake, so she didn't go to bed until 10:30. TEN THIRTY. Ugh. But to make up for it, my mom got up with Michaela this morning and changed her and fed her and I got to sleep in and take a shower. That was pretty rad.
Right now, she's still here at my house and my dad has joined her. My parents and Michaela are all hanging out, playing. Michaela has a history of freaking out really badly around my dad, for reasons that I don't quite understand (because it used to be he was the only one who could make her laugh). But he came over, they're playing and I can hear the sound of toys and laughter and, best of all, no screaming and crying on Michaela's part. Phew! It was really hurting my dad's feelings that she reacted that way, so this is a huge win.
Last night, when my mom was changing into her nightgown, I caught a glimpse of her naked breasts. They look like mine. Or mine look like hers, I guess. I suppose that's while childbirth does to boobs. It was a bit unsettling. I'm trying to think of it as a badge of honor, though; one that we now share.
(As "Cats in the Cradle" runs through my head and I hear "my boy was just like me....")
Right now, she's still here at my house and my dad has joined her. My parents and Michaela are all hanging out, playing. Michaela has a history of freaking out really badly around my dad, for reasons that I don't quite understand (because it used to be he was the only one who could make her laugh). But he came over, they're playing and I can hear the sound of toys and laughter and, best of all, no screaming and crying on Michaela's part. Phew! It was really hurting my dad's feelings that she reacted that way, so this is a huge win.
Last night, when my mom was changing into her nightgown, I caught a glimpse of her naked breasts. They look like mine. Or mine look like hers, I guess. I suppose that's while childbirth does to boobs. It was a bit unsettling. I'm trying to think of it as a badge of honor, though; one that we now share.
(As "Cats in the Cradle" runs through my head and I hear "my boy was just like me....")
Sunday, July 25, 2010
On my mother
So 15 years ago, I heard my parents fighting. My mom was yelling at my dad and said something about "when I was selling pussy for you." Obviously that means my mom was a hooker at some point, and I'm guessing that means my dad was her pimp. It may also mean that she was trying to make money for him for something. I'm not sure. I never asked. In fact, I've spent 15 years trying to forget I heard that.
Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.
Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.
We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.
I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.
I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.
Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.
Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.
Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.
We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.
I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.
I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.
Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Mother's Day Wrap Up
I wrote this on Monday, the day after Mother's Day.
I had an absolutely wonderful mother's day. Mike treated me like a queen, and I even got a gift and a card from Michaela. I slept in, had breakfast and dinner served to me, took a walk and had a picnic lunch, luxuriated in a bubble bath mike drew for me. Not too shabby. My mom and brother called me and wished me a happy mother's day, as did my mother-in-law and her husband. I made cards for each of the great grandparents from Michaela, and those went over big. Everyone loved the pictures I used, and I personalized them with "Happy Mother's Day, Great Grandma X" on them.
I also reached out to many of my friends who are moms. I made brownies for several of the local moms, and delivered them with cards earlier in the week. I also left messages for other friends via Facebook.
This year, Mother's Day meant so much to me. Not only because it's my first Mother's Day and I wanted to celebrate that fact, but because it's the first time I really understood how much goes into being a mom and how much work it is. So I wanted to celebrate that with my friends and family, and honor them.
Last night, I put Michaela to bed. I fed her and sat with her in the rocker and told her all the things I love about her and how much I want for her to have a good life. I'm still overwhelmed by how much love I have for her. I love her more than everyone else in the world, and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. My whole heart swells when I think about her.
And she's growing up so fast! In two days, she'll be five months old. She's holding her head up and even sitting up by herself (when we spread her legs wide. it's more of a feat of balance than of strength, but oh well).
In fact, last Thursday, Mike called me after their sign language class and told me she'd sat up by herself for the first time. I was excited, but also really sad I wasn't there to see it. I realize I have a great set up, and I certainly am not complaining, but still. It was hard to know he was there for it, and all the other moms in the class were there for it, and I was at home working. A friend of mine reminded me that there will be lots of other firsts and that I'll get to be there for them, which is very true, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
My mom has been working with Michaela to get her to say "mama." She is bound and determined that "mama" should be the baby's first word. Prior to mother's day, she was really working to get Michaela to try to say it for the holiday, but no such luck. Still, I was touched by the gesture.
I was also touched by the nice thing my mom said, which she also echoed in the card she gave me for Mother's Day. She said I'm a good mom and that it gives her a lot of pleasure to watch me with Michaela. It was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me. My mom was a really good mommy, so that's high praise from her.
(In fact, my mom continues to be a good mommy. She takes great care of Michaela and me, even now!)
I had an absolutely wonderful mother's day. Mike treated me like a queen, and I even got a gift and a card from Michaela. I slept in, had breakfast and dinner served to me, took a walk and had a picnic lunch, luxuriated in a bubble bath mike drew for me. Not too shabby. My mom and brother called me and wished me a happy mother's day, as did my mother-in-law and her husband. I made cards for each of the great grandparents from Michaela, and those went over big. Everyone loved the pictures I used, and I personalized them with "Happy Mother's Day, Great Grandma X" on them.
I also reached out to many of my friends who are moms. I made brownies for several of the local moms, and delivered them with cards earlier in the week. I also left messages for other friends via Facebook.
This year, Mother's Day meant so much to me. Not only because it's my first Mother's Day and I wanted to celebrate that fact, but because it's the first time I really understood how much goes into being a mom and how much work it is. So I wanted to celebrate that with my friends and family, and honor them.
Last night, I put Michaela to bed. I fed her and sat with her in the rocker and told her all the things I love about her and how much I want for her to have a good life. I'm still overwhelmed by how much love I have for her. I love her more than everyone else in the world, and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. My whole heart swells when I think about her.
And she's growing up so fast! In two days, she'll be five months old. She's holding her head up and even sitting up by herself (when we spread her legs wide. it's more of a feat of balance than of strength, but oh well).
In fact, last Thursday, Mike called me after their sign language class and told me she'd sat up by herself for the first time. I was excited, but also really sad I wasn't there to see it. I realize I have a great set up, and I certainly am not complaining, but still. It was hard to know he was there for it, and all the other moms in the class were there for it, and I was at home working. A friend of mine reminded me that there will be lots of other firsts and that I'll get to be there for them, which is very true, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
My mom has been working with Michaela to get her to say "mama." She is bound and determined that "mama" should be the baby's first word. Prior to mother's day, she was really working to get Michaela to try to say it for the holiday, but no such luck. Still, I was touched by the gesture.
I was also touched by the nice thing my mom said, which she also echoed in the card she gave me for Mother's Day. She said I'm a good mom and that it gives her a lot of pleasure to watch me with Michaela. It was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me. My mom was a really good mommy, so that's high praise from her.
(In fact, my mom continues to be a good mommy. She takes great care of Michaela and me, even now!)
Friday, March 19, 2010
Friends, babies, and exercise
Last night, I continued my "friends with babies" tour and hung out with another friend from college, his wife and their 7 month old daughter. (I think I wrote that last weekend, I saw another friend from college, his wife, and their 20 month old daughter.) It was really fun to get to meet this little girl, and also nice to introduce them to Michaela. It's amazing how many of my friends have kids now! It makes me feel old, in some ways, but at the same time, I feel like I'm young to have a baby. I mean, I'm not, of course, but I look at myself in the mirror and think, "I don't look like a mom!" Except I look like me, and I am a mom, so I guess I do look like a mom.
How's that for a deep thought?
I reached out to a friend from high school last night. We have a complicated history, but I was thinking yesterday about something she did for me in high school that was very kind, and it made me want to reach out to her. She is excited to meet Michaela, and even wants me to bring her by her mom's house so her mom can meet the baby, too. I am reminded how loved I am, and how loved Michaela is.
Have I mentioned that I started a training program? C25k. Couch to 5k. I ran once this week, need to do another 2 times before Monday. I guess that leaves today, Saturday, or Sunday. Oy. But it's good for me. I'm back up, weight-wise, and I don't like it. And while I know running won't get rid of the disgusting flap of skin on my belly, it would help to lose weight before I tackle situps. Maybe I should start a fitness blog. ;)
How's that for a deep thought?
I reached out to a friend from high school last night. We have a complicated history, but I was thinking yesterday about something she did for me in high school that was very kind, and it made me want to reach out to her. She is excited to meet Michaela, and even wants me to bring her by her mom's house so her mom can meet the baby, too. I am reminded how loved I am, and how loved Michaela is.
Have I mentioned that I started a training program? C25k. Couch to 5k. I ran once this week, need to do another 2 times before Monday. I guess that leaves today, Saturday, or Sunday. Oy. But it's good for me. I'm back up, weight-wise, and I don't like it. And while I know running won't get rid of the disgusting flap of skin on my belly, it would help to lose weight before I tackle situps. Maybe I should start a fitness blog. ;)
Monday, March 15, 2010
Reaction to breastfeeding
The other night, we were at a party and a friend of a friend started to feed her 20 month old daughter. The mother is a bigger lady, was wearing a t-shirt. The daughter is old enough to walk and talk.
The daughter got hungry, so the mother pulled up her (not nursing-friendly) t-shirt, almost over her head. The daughter walked over, hopped up on her mom's lap, and latched on to the mother's nipple. The whole sight was disturbing to me, in spite of several facts:
I have been trying to work on seeing breasts as a food source, not as a sexual object, and that has been working okay. Nursing is natural. For thousands of years, breastmilk was the only food babies got. Who knows how long that went on? In the U.S., they're now recommending breastfeeding for one year, and ideally, it would be two years. I'm sure in olden times, it may have been even longer than that. That said, seeing a toddler walk up to mom and ask for milk was unsettling.
Also, because breasts are a source of food, there's nothing wrong with exposing one for feeding your kid. That said, I am unused to seeing someone just take off her top. And it was a giant breast on a giant woman. In talking to Mike, he said that was what grossed him out about it, that she should have covered up (or at least worn a nursing-friendly shirt so that she wouldn't expose her belly and breasts). I told him that we wouldn't complain if someone brought out an uncovered tray of food at a restaurant, and in the end, aren't they both about getting food to the hungry? I asked him if it would have bothered him as much if the mother was thin and cute and he said no. I don't agree with that, but I understand where he was coming from.
It has been interesting (to me) to think through my reaction to all of this.
The daughter got hungry, so the mother pulled up her (not nursing-friendly) t-shirt, almost over her head. The daughter walked over, hopped up on her mom's lap, and latched on to the mother's nipple. The whole sight was disturbing to me, in spite of several facts:
I have been trying to work on seeing breasts as a food source, not as a sexual object, and that has been working okay. Nursing is natural. For thousands of years, breastmilk was the only food babies got. Who knows how long that went on? In the U.S., they're now recommending breastfeeding for one year, and ideally, it would be two years. I'm sure in olden times, it may have been even longer than that. That said, seeing a toddler walk up to mom and ask for milk was unsettling.
Also, because breasts are a source of food, there's nothing wrong with exposing one for feeding your kid. That said, I am unused to seeing someone just take off her top. And it was a giant breast on a giant woman. In talking to Mike, he said that was what grossed him out about it, that she should have covered up (or at least worn a nursing-friendly shirt so that she wouldn't expose her belly and breasts). I told him that we wouldn't complain if someone brought out an uncovered tray of food at a restaurant, and in the end, aren't they both about getting food to the hungry? I asked him if it would have bothered him as much if the mother was thin and cute and he said no. I don't agree with that, but I understand where he was coming from.
It has been interesting (to me) to think through my reaction to all of this.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Two months already
It's scary how much has happened in the weeks since I last wrote. There have been a ton of things that I've said to myself, "gotta remember to blog about that," but then I don't have time or don't make it a priority. Too bad, because I know someday I'll look back on these posts and appreciate having captured my thoughts.
Briefly, here are some more.
--Went to Michaela's two-month peds appointment yesterday and the doctor said she has a heart murmur. Not what any mom wants to hear. She said it sounds innocent and it should be fine, but she referred us to the pediatric cardiologist anyway to have an echo cardiogram.
--Michaela got her first shots. I was upset, as was she, but she did great. I feel lucky she doesn't cry much. We really have a good baby.
--She's huge! The pediatrician said she never would have known Michaela was born a month early. She's in the 97% percentile on weight, 90% percentile on length, and 75% in head size, but the doctor stressed that it's all proportionate.
--Mike and I had sex last night for the first time since the baby was born. I felt like I was being ripped apart, in spite of the fact that my OB said I am all healed up. I guess it goes without saying that the sex wasn't that great for me.
--Mike and I had been fighting for weeks on end, but we seem to be in a better place now. In the thick of it, I was thinking obsessively about divorce, which friends told me would happen. But that didn't make it better.
--Work is good. I've resigned myself to having to work, so I figure I might as well make the best of it. I really like my boss and that helps, and it's nice to be at home. Actually, here's how I put it in an email a couple of weeks ago to a friend:
Being back at work sucks. Well, no, that's not fair. It's complicated. I'm trying to remind myself that this arrangement is MUCH better than my previous one in terms of what it means for my family. And that's absolutely true. This morning, I got up at 8:30, turned on my computer, and was at work. On my lunch break, I helped Mike give Michaela a bath. I'm doing laundry as I type this. All of those things are great.
On the other hand, I'm totally jealous of Mike, who will start taking Michaela to baby sign language and outdoor education classes for 0-12-month-olds next week. I'll be at my desk, working. That's really hard.
Work-wise, it's okay. I didn't ever really get my bearings before, so it's sort of like starting a new job all over again. I miss being in charge of a team (and I had a great team). This job is much more technician, in spite of my director title. But that's probably for the best, since I do want to be able to spend time with the baby without being stressed out about work.
--The baby classes are great. I have made time in my schedule to be able to go to at least one of the classes each week, and that helps me feel less jealous and less disconnected. Gotta love having a flexible schedule!
--My weight loss has plateaued. I was hoping to drop more weight, but I think I'm going to have to exercise to make that happen. Ha ha.
--I have to go to a conference in Sacramento in early March for four days. Mike and I fought about it quite a bit, because I wanted him and the baby to go along and he didn't want to, but we've decided he's not going to go. I'm actually looking forward to going and being able to sleep (even though I have to get up to pump, I won't have to do any feedings or diaper changes in the middle of the night, and I can go to bed early, I hope).
--I'll have the baby all to myself in April for a weekend. That should be interesting. And we're going to Denver to visit Mike's parents and grandparents (his grandpa was just diagnosed with cancer) later that month.
--Everything is going well. I'm really enjoying being a mom. And I love Michaela like nobody's business.
--Parents are hilarious. My mom is totally against breastfeeding. She's convinced formula is better. My favorite quote on the subject: "I know you read on the internet that breastfeeding is best, but..." As if I read it on a website that also claims Elvis is alive and living in Boca! She's also not keen on cloth diapers. But she's watched Michaela twice now and did a great job (which I never doubted), and I'm appreciative that she's willing to do it.
--Neither of my parents have been over to see the baby. If we stop by, they're happy to see her. And they always ask about her. But they haven't come over. It's really weird, even for them.
I'll end here so I can get back to work, but hope to return to a regular posting schedule soon!
Briefly, here are some more.
--Went to Michaela's two-month peds appointment yesterday and the doctor said she has a heart murmur. Not what any mom wants to hear. She said it sounds innocent and it should be fine, but she referred us to the pediatric cardiologist anyway to have an echo cardiogram.
--Michaela got her first shots. I was upset, as was she, but she did great. I feel lucky she doesn't cry much. We really have a good baby.
--She's huge! The pediatrician said she never would have known Michaela was born a month early. She's in the 97% percentile on weight, 90% percentile on length, and 75% in head size, but the doctor stressed that it's all proportionate.
--Mike and I had sex last night for the first time since the baby was born. I felt like I was being ripped apart, in spite of the fact that my OB said I am all healed up. I guess it goes without saying that the sex wasn't that great for me.
--Mike and I had been fighting for weeks on end, but we seem to be in a better place now. In the thick of it, I was thinking obsessively about divorce, which friends told me would happen. But that didn't make it better.
--Work is good. I've resigned myself to having to work, so I figure I might as well make the best of it. I really like my boss and that helps, and it's nice to be at home. Actually, here's how I put it in an email a couple of weeks ago to a friend:
Being back at work sucks. Well, no, that's not fair. It's complicated. I'm trying to remind myself that this arrangement is MUCH better than my previous one in terms of what it means for my family. And that's absolutely true. This morning, I got up at 8:30, turned on my computer, and was at work. On my lunch break, I helped Mike give Michaela a bath. I'm doing laundry as I type this. All of those things are great.
On the other hand, I'm totally jealous of Mike, who will start taking Michaela to baby sign language and outdoor education classes for 0-12-month-olds next week. I'll be at my desk, working. That's really hard.
Work-wise, it's okay. I didn't ever really get my bearings before, so it's sort of like starting a new job all over again. I miss being in charge of a team (and I had a great team). This job is much more technician, in spite of my director title. But that's probably for the best, since I do want to be able to spend time with the baby without being stressed out about work.
--The baby classes are great. I have made time in my schedule to be able to go to at least one of the classes each week, and that helps me feel less jealous and less disconnected. Gotta love having a flexible schedule!
--My weight loss has plateaued. I was hoping to drop more weight, but I think I'm going to have to exercise to make that happen. Ha ha.
--I have to go to a conference in Sacramento in early March for four days. Mike and I fought about it quite a bit, because I wanted him and the baby to go along and he didn't want to, but we've decided he's not going to go. I'm actually looking forward to going and being able to sleep (even though I have to get up to pump, I won't have to do any feedings or diaper changes in the middle of the night, and I can go to bed early, I hope).
--I'll have the baby all to myself in April for a weekend. That should be interesting. And we're going to Denver to visit Mike's parents and grandparents (his grandpa was just diagnosed with cancer) later that month.
--Everything is going well. I'm really enjoying being a mom. And I love Michaela like nobody's business.
--Parents are hilarious. My mom is totally against breastfeeding. She's convinced formula is better. My favorite quote on the subject: "I know you read on the internet that breastfeeding is best, but..." As if I read it on a website that also claims Elvis is alive and living in Boca! She's also not keen on cloth diapers. But she's watched Michaela twice now and did a great job (which I never doubted), and I'm appreciative that she's willing to do it.
--Neither of my parents have been over to see the baby. If we stop by, they're happy to see her. And they always ask about her. But they haven't come over. It's really weird, even for them.
I'll end here so I can get back to work, but hope to return to a regular posting schedule soon!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Stream of Consciousness
A lot has happened since I last wrote. I was induced and had the baby-- a great story I'll come back to tell in another post. In the meantime, I wanted to jot down a few thoughts so they wouldn't get lost in a fog of sleep deprivation.
--My new job. The benefits situation is all fucked up. Cobra through my old job is nearly $850/month for me and the baby. That doesn't include Mike, who is another couple of hundred bucks through his Cobra. Oy. Also, the 30-day maternity leave (since I'm not eligible for FMLA) is 30 days, not 30 work days, and so far, I've been told that it starts the day I had the baby. Given that this is December, and between this month and January, there are a lot of holidays I would normally have off anyway, I'm not thrilled about "losing" those days. My boss is pressing for an answer, though, and I am trying to be hopeful.
--Similarly, the thought of having to go back to work after only 30 days is killing me. I'm trying to remind myself, though, that even though I would have had more time off at my old job, eventually I would have had to go back and do the long commute and that would be excruciating as well.
--I'm soooooo tired. But sort of not tired. I don't think this is sustainable and I'll crash at some point, but right now, I'm tired but manage to keep it up throughout the day and then to get up multiple times at night.
--The baby is adorable. I'm in love with her like I've never loved anything or anyone else before. The love I have for her is totally different than my love for Mike. She has had some issues with jaundice, since she's technically a preemie (born at 36 weeks, not 37 or 40), and seeing her under the bili lights and having to get her heel stuck for blood tests every day is killing me. I know she will be okay, and it's good to get this taken care of, but it's so hard!
--Speaking of hard: breastfeeding. My goodness. The frustration was incredible. I cried and cried and cried the first several days, due to the breastfeeding situation and the jaundice situation. One night in the beginning, when I was in the newborn nursery-- I had to go there every 2-3 hours to take her off the bili light machine so I could feed Michaela-- I just said, "fuck it" and gave her a bottle with formula in it rather than continue to struggle to breastfeed her. It was a watershed moment. I felt so relieved, like all of the pressure was off me. I could give my baby what she needed, even if it didn't come from my boobs, and that's what was most important. The next day a really great lactation consultant came to my room and worked with me and I had more success, though it's still slow going. Michaela (that's how we ended up spelling it, which is another funny story) latches on but gets really tired and doesn't like to suck for very long. Not good when you need a lot of protein to bind to the bilirubin to make your jaundice go away. So we were supplementing her with formula, first out of a tube and syringe (so painful) and later (now) breast milk out of a bottle.
--I always sort of wondered how I'd know things like, how will I know when/how to push and how will I know if my milk came in. The labor front was amazing, my body did what it was meant to do. I got to a certain point where I felt all this pressure and said to Mike and the nurse, "I have to start pushing." And I did. On the milk front, it's very clear my milk is in because I'm like a Holstein cow! I have so much milk! My plan is that if breastfeeding doesn't work out (I have an appointment in 2 weeks with another lactation consultant, but am going to try to move that up to be sooner), I will just continue to pump and feed the baby out of a bottle. That's also nice because then Mike can do some of the middle-of-the-night feedings. :)
--Mike is, as I expected, an amazing father. He has a great touch with Michaela. When we were at the hospital, nurses would constantly tell me how impressed they were with him and how good he is with the baby. I told everyone he's the primary and I'm the secondary caregiver.
--I'm a pretty good mom, I think. I'm still a little hesitant on some things and unskilled on others (like putting the baby's clothes on, or getting her in/out of the car seat), but I will get better. And I'm not sure that anyone loves her more than I do, and that counts for something, right?
--I was in the hospital for six days. Six days. Now I'm totally confused about what date it is. I know Christmas is right around the corner, but we've decided to skip it this year. No time or energy to drag out the decorations and no interest in lugging the baby to the crowded malls to buy gifts for people which they probably won't get in time for the holidays, anyway, since so much family lives far away.
--My friends and family are awesome. They have all been so supportive, calling and texting and emailing and sending messages of love and congratulations and encouragement through Facebook. I have a core group of girl friends who have kids and they have been especially great, but it's not just other moms. Everyone has been wonderful!
--Mike and I went to lunch today at a restaurant where I went with his mom, when she was in town, about 10 days ago. I couldn't get over how crazy it is that 10 days ago, I was still pregnant, still a month away from having the baby, and his mom was here. Now, 10 days later, his mom is back in Colorado and I'm a mom. Wow.
Lots of other emotions and random tidbits to share, but I'm happy to have gotten these things out.
--My new job. The benefits situation is all fucked up. Cobra through my old job is nearly $850/month for me and the baby. That doesn't include Mike, who is another couple of hundred bucks through his Cobra. Oy. Also, the 30-day maternity leave (since I'm not eligible for FMLA) is 30 days, not 30 work days, and so far, I've been told that it starts the day I had the baby. Given that this is December, and between this month and January, there are a lot of holidays I would normally have off anyway, I'm not thrilled about "losing" those days. My boss is pressing for an answer, though, and I am trying to be hopeful.
--Similarly, the thought of having to go back to work after only 30 days is killing me. I'm trying to remind myself, though, that even though I would have had more time off at my old job, eventually I would have had to go back and do the long commute and that would be excruciating as well.
--I'm soooooo tired. But sort of not tired. I don't think this is sustainable and I'll crash at some point, but right now, I'm tired but manage to keep it up throughout the day and then to get up multiple times at night.
--The baby is adorable. I'm in love with her like I've never loved anything or anyone else before. The love I have for her is totally different than my love for Mike. She has had some issues with jaundice, since she's technically a preemie (born at 36 weeks, not 37 or 40), and seeing her under the bili lights and having to get her heel stuck for blood tests every day is killing me. I know she will be okay, and it's good to get this taken care of, but it's so hard!
--Speaking of hard: breastfeeding. My goodness. The frustration was incredible. I cried and cried and cried the first several days, due to the breastfeeding situation and the jaundice situation. One night in the beginning, when I was in the newborn nursery-- I had to go there every 2-3 hours to take her off the bili light machine so I could feed Michaela-- I just said, "fuck it" and gave her a bottle with formula in it rather than continue to struggle to breastfeed her. It was a watershed moment. I felt so relieved, like all of the pressure was off me. I could give my baby what she needed, even if it didn't come from my boobs, and that's what was most important. The next day a really great lactation consultant came to my room and worked with me and I had more success, though it's still slow going. Michaela (that's how we ended up spelling it, which is another funny story) latches on but gets really tired and doesn't like to suck for very long. Not good when you need a lot of protein to bind to the bilirubin to make your jaundice go away. So we were supplementing her with formula, first out of a tube and syringe (so painful) and later (now) breast milk out of a bottle.
--I always sort of wondered how I'd know things like, how will I know when/how to push and how will I know if my milk came in. The labor front was amazing, my body did what it was meant to do. I got to a certain point where I felt all this pressure and said to Mike and the nurse, "I have to start pushing." And I did. On the milk front, it's very clear my milk is in because I'm like a Holstein cow! I have so much milk! My plan is that if breastfeeding doesn't work out (I have an appointment in 2 weeks with another lactation consultant, but am going to try to move that up to be sooner), I will just continue to pump and feed the baby out of a bottle. That's also nice because then Mike can do some of the middle-of-the-night feedings. :)
--Mike is, as I expected, an amazing father. He has a great touch with Michaela. When we were at the hospital, nurses would constantly tell me how impressed they were with him and how good he is with the baby. I told everyone he's the primary and I'm the secondary caregiver.
--I'm a pretty good mom, I think. I'm still a little hesitant on some things and unskilled on others (like putting the baby's clothes on, or getting her in/out of the car seat), but I will get better. And I'm not sure that anyone loves her more than I do, and that counts for something, right?
--I was in the hospital for six days. Six days. Now I'm totally confused about what date it is. I know Christmas is right around the corner, but we've decided to skip it this year. No time or energy to drag out the decorations and no interest in lugging the baby to the crowded malls to buy gifts for people which they probably won't get in time for the holidays, anyway, since so much family lives far away.
--My friends and family are awesome. They have all been so supportive, calling and texting and emailing and sending messages of love and congratulations and encouragement through Facebook. I have a core group of girl friends who have kids and they have been especially great, but it's not just other moms. Everyone has been wonderful!
--Mike and I went to lunch today at a restaurant where I went with his mom, when she was in town, about 10 days ago. I couldn't get over how crazy it is that 10 days ago, I was still pregnant, still a month away from having the baby, and his mom was here. Now, 10 days later, his mom is back in Colorado and I'm a mom. Wow.
Lots of other emotions and random tidbits to share, but I'm happy to have gotten these things out.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
How do I hold this thing?
Earlier this week, a friend of Mike's stopped by. She has a 6-month old daughter and very kindly gave us a bunch of stuff (seriously, a lot, including two swings a co-sleeper thing, a breast pump, etc.). Mike needed to show her something in the garage, so the friend asked if I wanted to hold her daughter.
The thing about it is, is that I haven't really ever been around babies. I don't really know how to hold them and I'm always really nervous because I would have to drop the baby or hurt it in some way. I know I'll be okay when it's my own baby (the whole "you break it, you buy it" thing; well, I already own the baby), but when it's someone else's, I just feel weird. I was holding the baby fine, sitting in my glider and rocking her a little bit, but when the mom came back in and I needed to hand the baby over, I didn't know where to hold the baby that the mom could still grab her. I had the baby under her arms, but that's where I would grab the baby if I were taking her from someone, so it was awkward to me. The mom just grabbed the baby like a football and got her all settled away, but I was embarrassed. It was clear I had no idea what I'm doing-- Mike commented on it afterward, and I'm sure the mom noticed.
I am giving myself permission to be awkward and to be embarrassed because my baby isn't here yet and I know I have a lot to learn. But I'm really counting on my maternal instinct kick in soon!
The thing about it is, is that I haven't really ever been around babies. I don't really know how to hold them and I'm always really nervous because I would have to drop the baby or hurt it in some way. I know I'll be okay when it's my own baby (the whole "you break it, you buy it" thing; well, I already own the baby), but when it's someone else's, I just feel weird. I was holding the baby fine, sitting in my glider and rocking her a little bit, but when the mom came back in and I needed to hand the baby over, I didn't know where to hold the baby that the mom could still grab her. I had the baby under her arms, but that's where I would grab the baby if I were taking her from someone, so it was awkward to me. The mom just grabbed the baby like a football and got her all settled away, but I was embarrassed. It was clear I had no idea what I'm doing-- Mike commented on it afterward, and I'm sure the mom noticed.
I am giving myself permission to be awkward and to be embarrassed because my baby isn't here yet and I know I have a lot to learn. But I'm really counting on my maternal instinct kick in soon!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Reflecting on showers
Friday was my last day at work. Thursday, the people there threw me a shower. I was totally surprised and absolutely blown away by their generosity. Poppy came out of the shower with A TON of clothes and with some blankets, toys, bath products, etc. It was really amazing. I'm going to miss that place (and those people) very much, but I'm excited to not have to do the drive anymore and to start settling into the new routine.
Went to a baby shower yesterday for a friend I've known since junior high. It was lovely. Wonderful decorations and food and company. It made me excited for my shower (which is coming up!), but also allowed me to reflect on how cool it is that my kid and her kids (she's having twins) are going to be friends. My parents don't have couple friends, and even individually, neither of them had friends from longstanding relationships like that, so I never got to have "play cousins" or whatever you want to call them.
I am feeling surprisingly calm about the birthing process itself, and mainly full of excitement about the time that Poppy is actually here and all of the great things that are ahead of us.
Went to a baby shower yesterday for a friend I've known since junior high. It was lovely. Wonderful decorations and food and company. It made me excited for my shower (which is coming up!), but also allowed me to reflect on how cool it is that my kid and her kids (she's having twins) are going to be friends. My parents don't have couple friends, and even individually, neither of them had friends from longstanding relationships like that, so I never got to have "play cousins" or whatever you want to call them.
I am feeling surprisingly calm about the birthing process itself, and mainly full of excitement about the time that Poppy is actually here and all of the great things that are ahead of us.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Buh-bye commute
I officially accepted the offer I got and gave notice at my job. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more long commute! I counted, and with today's drive being done, I only have to make the drive 8 more times. My boss, and everyone at work, took it really well. They all basically say they will miss me, that I am a great employee/boss/colleague, and that they understand that this is the best decision for my family-- which it is.
Last night, we went to our first childbirth education class (more on that later), and as we learned about the signs of labor to watch for and what to pay attention to, I felt like I had an epiphany. "Oh my god," I thought. "I've been stupidly brave about all this!" What if something happened while I was in the middle of my drive? What if something happened while I was stuck in a traffic jam? What if I was far away (up to 90 miles) from my hospital and my husband? Of course I'd call 911 and would figure something out, and I realize labor can be a process that takes a long time, but this way I'm not tempting fate. Not to mention once the baby is born-- this way I won't have to be so far away from her if something happens. I was doing what I needed to do to keep my job and to do a good job, but as Poppy's birth gets closer and closer, it's time to stop taking chances of this type. So I'm feeling good about my decision, even as I have some apprehension about my new job and the exclusive-work-at-home arrangement that comes with it.
Last night, we went to our first childbirth education class (more on that later), and as we learned about the signs of labor to watch for and what to pay attention to, I felt like I had an epiphany. "Oh my god," I thought. "I've been stupidly brave about all this!" What if something happened while I was in the middle of my drive? What if something happened while I was stuck in a traffic jam? What if I was far away (up to 90 miles) from my hospital and my husband? Of course I'd call 911 and would figure something out, and I realize labor can be a process that takes a long time, but this way I'm not tempting fate. Not to mention once the baby is born-- this way I won't have to be so far away from her if something happens. I was doing what I needed to do to keep my job and to do a good job, but as Poppy's birth gets closer and closer, it's time to stop taking chances of this type. So I'm feeling good about my decision, even as I have some apprehension about my new job and the exclusive-work-at-home arrangement that comes with it.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
So excited!
When I found out I was pregnant, I was in total shock. TOTAL SHOCK. There were no words to describe how taken aback I was. I literally had spent the 15 or so years before thinking I was not going to be able to have kids (or that I'd need medical intervention if I could), and all of a sudden, BAM! I was pregnant. Say what?!?
Now that the shock has worn off, I'm just excited. Totally excited! I can't wait for Poppy to get here! I am enjoying my pregnancy more than I thought I would (and maybe more than it seems like from my complaining here), but I'm ready for it to be over with so I can meet MY DAUGHTER. How crazy is that? My daughter. Hooray for Poppy!
Now that the shock has worn off, I'm just excited. Totally excited! I can't wait for Poppy to get here! I am enjoying my pregnancy more than I thought I would (and maybe more than it seems like from my complaining here), but I'm ready for it to be over with so I can meet MY DAUGHTER. How crazy is that? My daughter. Hooray for Poppy!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Job changes
I haven't written anything here yet about the latest job news in our household, but there's a lot going on.
Mike, who has been very busy in the last few years juggling a bustling freelance career with full-time work and responsibilities around the house, gave notice today at work. Three weeks from now, he will be on his own, taking the time to expand his freelance business and preparing for his new role of stay-at-home dad.
He was understandably nervous about quitting. Right now, we're making a ton of money between my income, his income, his freelance income, and our rental income. We have mostly banked his income (though not exclusively), so we have a decent size nest egg. But still, with a baby on the way on expenses going up because of that, it's a scary time to turn down $65k/year. Our original plan was that he would quit his job in January, when the baby is born, but I convinced him that it made sense to quit now so he can focus on building the business up to a point that he can be in full swing once January rolls around. He won't officially stop working until Oct. 22, and he just started another gig (teaching two classes at a local college), and then there's also the job of finishing up the renovation on our house. That's obviously very important and has to be done by the time the baby comes. So I expect he'll still be really darn busy!
In terms of my job news, I don't have anything definitive yet, but I have an interesting situation. Someone I used to work for got a new job a couple of months ago. When she'd accepted the position but hadn't told anyone yet where it was, she started talking to me about the chance to work together again. Never one to limit my options, I told her I'd be interested (and I am. She's a great lady and I learned a lot working from her before). When she finally told me where she was working, we revisited the conversation. A few weeks ago, she emailed me a job description for discussion purposes to see if I'd be interested. It would pay what I was making before I took my current job (which came with a $20k/yr pay cut) and WOULD BE BASED AT HOME. I'd still be a director-level, but my 3 hour (or more, depending on traffic) daily commute would be gone. My $400-$500 monthly gas bill would be gone AND my income would go up by more than $1200/month before taxes. How can I say no to that?
I have the feeling that I'm a sure thing. I'm her preferred (and only, at this point) candidate and I've worked with the other people in this company before. We have good relationships. I sent in a cover letter and resume and heard back today asking what my time line looks like. I said I want to give 2 weeks notice-- that's only fair-- but that's my only issue. I do feel badly, because I love my current job. I really do love it. But this other opportunity would be better for my family, and now that I'm a mom, that has to come first. It's a weird thing to wrap my mind around in a lot of ways. Assuming the new job comes through, I'm going to see if my current company wants to keep me on as a consultant to finish a couple of big projects that need to be done by the end of the calendar year.
Mike, who has been very busy in the last few years juggling a bustling freelance career with full-time work and responsibilities around the house, gave notice today at work. Three weeks from now, he will be on his own, taking the time to expand his freelance business and preparing for his new role of stay-at-home dad.
He was understandably nervous about quitting. Right now, we're making a ton of money between my income, his income, his freelance income, and our rental income. We have mostly banked his income (though not exclusively), so we have a decent size nest egg. But still, with a baby on the way on expenses going up because of that, it's a scary time to turn down $65k/year. Our original plan was that he would quit his job in January, when the baby is born, but I convinced him that it made sense to quit now so he can focus on building the business up to a point that he can be in full swing once January rolls around. He won't officially stop working until Oct. 22, and he just started another gig (teaching two classes at a local college), and then there's also the job of finishing up the renovation on our house. That's obviously very important and has to be done by the time the baby comes. So I expect he'll still be really darn busy!
In terms of my job news, I don't have anything definitive yet, but I have an interesting situation. Someone I used to work for got a new job a couple of months ago. When she'd accepted the position but hadn't told anyone yet where it was, she started talking to me about the chance to work together again. Never one to limit my options, I told her I'd be interested (and I am. She's a great lady and I learned a lot working from her before). When she finally told me where she was working, we revisited the conversation. A few weeks ago, she emailed me a job description for discussion purposes to see if I'd be interested. It would pay what I was making before I took my current job (which came with a $20k/yr pay cut) and WOULD BE BASED AT HOME. I'd still be a director-level, but my 3 hour (or more, depending on traffic) daily commute would be gone. My $400-$500 monthly gas bill would be gone AND my income would go up by more than $1200/month before taxes. How can I say no to that?
I have the feeling that I'm a sure thing. I'm her preferred (and only, at this point) candidate and I've worked with the other people in this company before. We have good relationships. I sent in a cover letter and resume and heard back today asking what my time line looks like. I said I want to give 2 weeks notice-- that's only fair-- but that's my only issue. I do feel badly, because I love my current job. I really do love it. But this other opportunity would be better for my family, and now that I'm a mom, that has to come first. It's a weird thing to wrap my mind around in a lot of ways. Assuming the new job comes through, I'm going to see if my current company wants to keep me on as a consultant to finish a couple of big projects that need to be done by the end of the calendar year.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Mommy friends
I met a nice woman at the dog park today. Leah is her name, and her dog's name is Tucker. She's a pediatrician and has a baby that is less than a year old. I have seen her there before and we've chatted, but this time, we talked longer than we ever have in the past and actually exchanged names. I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a friendship, because I could use some mom friends who live locally! Right now, I only have one, though another friend is about 3 months pregnant (which means Poppy will be about 3 months older than my friend's child). Being around people who know what you're going through because they've been through it is so helpful, and I would like to build a support network for me and a network of friends for Poppy (especially since our neighborhood doesn't lend itself to her making friends around here). I am thinking about trying to join a mommy's group or doing Stroller Strides or something, but it will also depend on my job situation, since working 90 miles from home isn't conducive to having lots of time for playgroups, etc. (though I'm sure Mike will be able to make lots of mommy friends, ha ha).
Friday, September 11, 2009
I still count, right?
My birthday is on Monday. I'll be 30. Woo hoo. I've already written about some angst I'm having around my birthday, but I'm trying to get over that. Today, though, something happened that I'd been wondering about. It wasn't necessarily a nice thing to have it confirmed, either.
My in-laws, who are wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, loving people, sent me a birthday gift. It's a necklace with a pendant on it of a family. Two adults, one child. They're hugging, and the arms of the adults form a heart. It's a very nice necklace, and I know they were thinking of me and about how I'm going to be a mom and all that stuff. But isn't the thing about it being my birthday that it's MY birthday? Not the birthday of the little one growing inside me? Wouldn't THAT be a good day to get a necklace of a family?
What I'm trying to say is, this gift is about me as a mother and as the matriarch of a family. Which is nice, but I wonder if it's the beginning of me as an individual not counting anymore. Now it'll be me as a mom, part of a unit (mom + child). That's quite a change and will definitely take some getting used to.
My in-laws, who are wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, loving people, sent me a birthday gift. It's a necklace with a pendant on it of a family. Two adults, one child. They're hugging, and the arms of the adults form a heart. It's a very nice necklace, and I know they were thinking of me and about how I'm going to be a mom and all that stuff. But isn't the thing about it being my birthday that it's MY birthday? Not the birthday of the little one growing inside me? Wouldn't THAT be a good day to get a necklace of a family?
What I'm trying to say is, this gift is about me as a mother and as the matriarch of a family. Which is nice, but I wonder if it's the beginning of me as an individual not counting anymore. Now it'll be me as a mom, part of a unit (mom + child). That's quite a change and will definitely take some getting used to.
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