September

Somewhere along the line, I went from the mother of a baby to the mother of an infant. It's really amazing. I'm not sure how it happened. Michaela is 9 months old now and she's just the coolest kid. She's super curious about things. She loves animals. She loves the wind in her hair. She loves her grandma (my mom). Whenever we go to my mom's house, Michaela gets the HUGEST smile and always laughs. It's tremendously sweet.

And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.

She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.

Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.

And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.

We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...

Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.

Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.

The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!

Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!

I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!

That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.

(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)

A Weekend Away

Mike and I left Michaela with her grandparents last weekend and headed up to Napa for the wedding of some friends. It was weird to be away, but awesome. We had a great time reconnecting. And while I missed Michaela, and really looked forward to our calls with Nana and Papa to get caught up on what was going on, I wasn't paralyzed with sadness or anything. So that was really good.

I ended up getting really, really drunk at the wedding reception. Like, throw up for the next 10 hours drunk. Ugh. I haven't been that drunk in years. When we got back to the hotel, I pumped, but pumping + drinking that much is a bad combination. Apparently I only did one breast well, so when I woke up, I was leaking milk out of my right boob. That was the first tip off. I asked Mike and he said he tried to help, but didn't really know what to do, so I was on my own. Okay, I said, I'll just pump now. I go over to where my pump is sitting and the entire floor is wet. Apparently I spilled a lot of milk. My pump is also covered in milk. There was milk in the tubes and milk inside the cover of the motor. So I cleaned that up as best I could and pumped, but man, it was ugly.

Michaela was thrilled to see us when we got back. She recently started giving giant kisses, and she just kissed each of us repeatedly for the next several hours. It feels nice to know she knows who we are and that she loves us so much.

Nana and Papa had a great time with her. They were really good, and just happy as pigs in shit to have all that time with their granddaughter. I feel lucky to have in-laws who are willing to fly here and basically serve as babysitters for the weekend (oh, and they also scrubbed our bathtub, mopped the floor, did laundry, etc.).

--Michaela is doing great on the food front. She's eating solids and loving them. She has had avocado, eggs, cottage cheese, oatmeal, green beans, carrots, bananas, butternut squash, watermelon, and peas. Her favorites are squash, peas, carrots and bananas. Anything sweet, basically.

--She has taken two baths in the real bath tub. She loves the water. Very unlike her mommy. Her grandma (Mike's mom) is visiting, and gave Michaela her first bath in the bath tub. Michaela splashed and screamed with joy and was really upset when it was time to get out. I was actually disappointed (though I didn't say anything), because I'd been looking forward to giving her her first bath in the tub. I almost did last week, but ended up doing something else, and just like that, the first time was gone. I did give Michaela a bath tonight, and it was nice.

--Grandma also put Michaela on the swing for the first time (another thing I was looking forward to doing). I also didn't say anything about being disappointed about that. It wouldn't have helped.

--Michaela bit the crap out of my nose the other day, and then poked me in the left eye. Later, she poked me in the right eye. Being a mom is hard!

--Mike continues to drive me crazy, off and on. But I have tried to seem excited when he wants to have sex, and when we do, it puts him in a better mood, which is good. I'm still not much in the mood for sex, but it is hurting a little bit less now, at least.

--Today I went and got a new bra. A real, non-nursing bra. It's sort of weird! 1) It feels so constricting, after wearing a nursing bra. This has underwire and a real hook and all that jazz. The nursing bra is just a cotton thing that barely holds up my boobs.

--Speaking of, my boobs are smaller (yeah!), but saggier. The density has changed. They're less full now. It's weird. So the bra I was wearing before was an H cup, and the one I bought today is a DD. Also, my ribs seem to have expanded slightly, and I'm fleshier than I was before. I stood in the fitting room today, looking at myself in only my bra, and I was disgusted. I need to do something to try to tone up some. I'm giggly and loose and flabby, and I don't like it.

--Also, as I pump less, I'm going to burn fewer calories, so all my eating is going to make me fat(ter). I don't want that!

--My boss is pregnant. I'm so happy for her! She's had a lot of issues and I'm just hoping she can keep this baby. I wish there was something I could do to make that happen, but of course there isn't.

--Speaking of new babies. When I told him my boss is pregnant, he said, "I was thinking we should get started on number two." I wanted to kill him. At the time, Michaela was fussing. Who wants to have another kid when I already have one who cries? Also, it's easy for him to say that. He's not the one who would have to carry and then push out the second kid!

--Though I do want to give Michaela a sibling. I love my brother, and our relationship, and I want her to enjoy that type of relationship, too. But I would like to have my body back to myself for just a little while. Like, to stop pumping and to be able to enjoy that for a bit before having to worry about becoming the host for another being.

--Now that Michaela is eating solids, she's having real poop. Have I mentioned I don't like cloth diapers?

--I booked tickets to go see my best friend in Chicago in September. Michaela and I are going to go and Mike is going to stay home. I'm nervous to travel on a plane without Mike, especially since Michaela will be too big to put in the Baby Bjorn. How am I going to carry her and all our stuff? Oy. I guess that's what curbside check in is for. My BFF had twin girls a few months ago, so it will be the first chance for our daughters to meet. I can't wait.

--One more complaint? Mike's mom helped us get Michaela's room ready before she was born. And she did an amazing job. The room only got done because of her help, and I am so thankful for her. But I guess she and Mike decided they wanted to do some additional painting in there and have planned to do so tomorrow. I don't want them to do anything to the room! It's perfect the way it is, and I don't think trying to do more is going to work out well. But I guess we'll see.

The Latest

The weeks since I last wrote have been crazy.

Mike and I had a really rough stretch. REALLY ROUGH. Like, "oh my god, I have to get out of this relationship NOW" rough. Sometimes I get so angry. I'm not sure why I have so much anger bottled up inside me. When it happens, I just want to provoke him and I say really mean, hurtful things, intentionally, just to get a rise out of him. I just want to make him react. I'm not sure if it's a test, to see if he really loves me or what. It's sort of weird to do that when I've come to the decision that I love him but am not in love with him. Maybe it's a sign that I am in love with him. Or maybe it's just a sign that I'm a big bitch.

I have been thinking seriously about therapy. I think we should have some, but I also think I should have some. I go through periodic bouts of depression, and while I don't feel like this is one of those, I would like to get to the bottom of why I have so much anger. Where does it come from and what can I do about it?

Michaela has been great. She is going through a growth spurt, I think. She's been drinking a lot and has even awakened a couple of times each night, hungry. She doesn't usually do that. We started giving her solid food a couple of days ago. We began with avocado, which she doesn't seem to like very much. We just give her a little bit, once a day, mostly to get her used to the idea of eating real food.

I had to turn in my hospital grade pump, finally. I rented it for one month, waaaay back in December. I got an extension that took me to February, then a special one that took me to mid-March. For some reason, the final extension didn't make it into the computer, so the med device company called me, I told them to check with my doctor's office and get back to me. They didn't get back to me for a long time. Like until mid-April. We had some mis-communication then, so when all was said and done, they didn't contact me to get back the pump until mid-May. Total cost for five months of Lactina Select pump rental? $18. Yup.

I miss the pump, though. My Pump in Style is fine for on-the-go, but since I am an exclusive pumper, I definitely miss the higher powered hospital grade pump. The other thing I miss about having the Lactina is that I could keep my PIS ready for travel, because it wasn't my primary pump. Before I could just grab it and go, more or less. Now that I only have the PIS, anytime I go anywhere (like out for the day, or traveling), I have to pack it up, make sure I have everything, take it with me, bring it back, unpack it.

Speaking of traveling, I have to go away next month for three days for work. The good thing is, this time I think I will be much less agonized about it. I'm looking forward to some me time, even if I will be sharing a suite with some of my coworkers. My college roommate lives near where I'll be, so we're going to get together for dinner, which is a nice treat. I don't get to see her anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Getting to do it on my company's dime is awesome.

She and her husband are trying to get pregnant, without any luck. I feel really bad for her. Wish there was something I could do. But there isn't, except being a good friend and listening when she wants to talk. (Or in our case, since we do more emailing than phone talking, replying thoughtfully when she writes.)

My best friend, who had twins about a month ago, seems to be doing well. I am so excited to meet the babies. Not sure when that will be, given that we live 1500 miles apart. It makes me miss the good old days of college, when we all lived down the hall from each other.

Speaking of college, last weekend was my 10 year college reunion. I didn't go, because I keep in touch with the people I want to keep in touch with. Still. It's weird to think I've been out of college for TEN YEARS. Wow.

I've been out of high school even longer, obviously. But the thing about Facebook is that I feel so much closer to my high school (and junior high school) friends! I'm actually really excited for our next reunion-- which will be a 20 year reunion, in 6 more years-- because with FB, I know what they're up to, and we share stories and pictures of our kids. I know the 6 years will go by really quickly, too...

That's all for now. More soon, I hope.

Traveling Adventure

*I wrote this 3 days ago. Couldn't post while I was on vacation.*

In my last post, I mentioned that we're in Denver. I wanted to be sure to capture the details of Michaela's first flight.

I'd been nervous, more about getting through the airport with all the stuff we had to haul than about Michaela actually flying. I was also concerned about the altitude, because traveling from sea level to the Mile High City is hard on me, and I know what to do to make the change in altitude easier. Michaela, on the other hand, doesn't, and she can't tell me what's wrong if something hurts. I did some research on the internet and I talked to the pediatrician about what to look for, and that was really all I could do.

The morning of travel started off okay. We were on time with everything-- hooray! The dog went to our friends' house, Mike called for a cab. We had a lot of stuff to carry, but we'd organized it so it made sense. Getting into the taxi, I noticed it looked like we only had 1 of our 2 suitcases with us. Mike ran back inside the house to get something else, so I assumed he'd gotten the other bag. He got into the car and I said, "did you get both bags?" He said yeah. We got to the airport, were unloading the cab's trunk, and found... that we'd left one of the bags at home. Uh huh.

Turns out Mike wasn't listening to me and just said yes, without knowing what he was saying yes to. So we had to split up. Mike and Michaela and one of our bags went into the airport to get checked in. I went back to the house with the taxi (and the crazy Russian taxi driver) and the carry ons (laptop bag, breast pump, small bag with lunch), grabbed the other bag, and back we turned, this time with the additional carry on suitcase.

Total damage? $45. The airport is about 7 miles from our house. Ouch.

So I find Mike, go through screening. Hello, why am I beeping while going through the metal detectors? Oh, I'm wearing a belt because I've lost so much weight my jeans fall off if I don't. Take that off, add it to the pile (2 laptops, plus all the carry on crap, plus my jacket and shoes). Mike has to go through the metal detector twice. Why? Because he's holding a stuffed animal for Michaela. Gotta put it on the conveyor belt.

And since I have milk for the baby, and since one of the carry ons got flagged for extra screening, there we go, off to secondary screening. Just me and the other evil doers-- an 80 year old blind guy and an older white woman. Thanks, TSA, for keeping our country safe from lactating moms and old people.

We get up to the gate and settle in. Michaela is sleeping and is doing great. I went to the bathroom to pump. (There's a lactation room, but it's in the terminal downstairs, not by the gates. Good location for it, huh?)

Get on the plane, Michaela does fine. Sleeps the whole way. Get picked up by Mike's mom, go to grandma's house for a dinner with the whole family. Everyone loves Michaela; she gets passed around from loving relative to loving relative. It was very nice.

Mike's grandma, who i should add is a VERY nice woman and who treats me very well, gave me a doll for Michaela out of her collection. Grandma collects dolls and stuffed bears and has a huge collection. Dolls of all different shapes and sizes and materials and everything else. Let me just say that the doll she gave me is black-- it has dark skin, curly/kinky hair. It's not an Aunt Jemima doll, so it's not the like doll is racist, but I definitely had a reaction when she gave it to me. I was nice, but it bothered me. All I can think about is, if Michaela had lighter skin, would she have gotten a white doll from her great grandmother?

I asked Mike if I was crazy for having a reaction and he said no, so that's good. He is full of white privilege-- so much so, that he doesn't even believe in the concept of white privilege. So for him to think it was weird makes me think even more that it was an inappropriate decision. I mean, for christ's sake, she could have given me (Michaela) a stuffed animal!

Other than that, the trip has been fairly uneventful. Mike's grandpa died about 6 weeks ago, so it's definitely different than the last time we were here or spent time with his family. But I think the presence of the baby makes a big, positive difference.

We went into the mountains and saw snow capped mountains. It actually snowed this morning, so I went out and enjoyed it. It was my first time in falling snow! Tomorrow, we're going to see some of Mike's friends-- lunch with a friend from high school and dinner with one of his college friends. I haven't met many of Mike's friends from his high school and college days, so I'm really curious to meet them.

We return home on Saturday, so I still have another airport ordeal to look forward to. Fingers crossed, it will be smooth like our trip out here.

Leavin' on a jet plane

So I had to go to Sacramento for work, starting Monday. I knew I would have a hard time with it, given I teared up when I left the baby with Mike's mom while she was visiting, but I didn't think it would be quite as hard as it has been. This is the first time I've left Michaela for more than a few hours!

I put Michaela in her carseat, but she was sleeping and didn't wake up. I was glad, because I didn't want to wake her up and make her unhappy, but I was sad because I would have enjoyed seeing her open eyes and being able to hold her a little bit. When Mike and Michaela dropped me off at the airport, I teared up as they were going away.

I'd been really unexcited for the trip due to the packing and traveling part of it. Breastpump + cooler full of pumped milk (on the way back) + clothes for the conference + toiletries + laptop + purse + conference materials means a lot of crap to haul around. Fortunately, Mike helped me figure out a good plan and I was able to check one giant suitcase full of clothes, breastpump and empty cooler. I carried on a small suitcase with the conference materials and my purse, and my laptop bag. It was a lot to carry around, but I didn't have to deal with explaining my breastpump to TSA's lackeys, so that was good.

Got to my hotel in Sacramento, unpacked and pumped. Did some conference activities, went to a reception. Ducked out of that early, came home and pumped. Ordered room service, took a shower, watched a little tv. I also got to talk to Mike and Michaela. Mike put me on speakerphone, so Michaela could hear me. She started crying a little bit and I told him it was because she missed me. When we got off the phone, I cried more. Mike noticed, because he called me back a little bit later. Of course, when we got off the phone the second time, the same thing happened.

I went to bed about 10 p.m. and slept until about 3 a.m., when I woke up with bursting beasts. They were so full, I was leaking. The pumping is going well, though. I have somewhere between 32 and 40 ounces put away already. When I go home, it will go in the freezer and Michaela will have milk for the next time I have to go somewhere. Hopefully that will be some time from now!

This morning, I got to talk to them a little bit, but they were at Outdoor Education class so they couldn't talk long. In the afternoon, I called my mom just to say hi, and I heard Michaela in the background. Mike had dropped her off for my mom to babysit while he did some work. I'm glad he's getting a little break from being the sole caretaker; I know I'd want one.

Hopefully tonight we'll do some video chatting. I want to see my baby!

Two months already

It's scary how much has happened in the weeks since I last wrote. There have been a ton of things that I've said to myself, "gotta remember to blog about that," but then I don't have time or don't make it a priority. Too bad, because I know someday I'll look back on these posts and appreciate having captured my thoughts.

Briefly, here are some more.

--Went to Michaela's two-month peds appointment yesterday and the doctor said she has a heart murmur. Not what any mom wants to hear. She said it sounds innocent and it should be fine, but she referred us to the pediatric cardiologist anyway to have an echo cardiogram.

--Michaela got her first shots. I was upset, as was she, but she did great. I feel lucky she doesn't cry much. We really have a good baby.

--She's huge! The pediatrician said she never would have known Michaela was born a month early. She's in the 97% percentile on weight, 90% percentile on length, and 75% in head size, but the doctor stressed that it's all proportionate.

--Mike and I had sex last night for the first time since the baby was born. I felt like I was being ripped apart, in spite of the fact that my OB said I am all healed up. I guess it goes without saying that the sex wasn't that great for me.

--Mike and I had been fighting for weeks on end, but we seem to be in a better place now. In the thick of it, I was thinking obsessively about divorce, which friends told me would happen. But that didn't make it better.

--Work is good. I've resigned myself to having to work, so I figure I might as well make the best of it. I really like my boss and that helps, and it's nice to be at home. Actually, here's how I put it in an email a couple of weeks ago to a friend:
Being back at work sucks. Well, no, that's not fair. It's complicated. I'm trying to remind myself that this arrangement is MUCH better than my previous one in terms of what it means for my family. And that's absolutely true. This morning, I got up at 8:30, turned on my computer, and was at work. On my lunch break, I helped Mike give Michaela a bath. I'm doing laundry as I type this. All of those things are great.

On the other hand, I'm totally jealous of Mike, who will start taking Michaela to baby sign language and outdoor education classes for 0-12-month-olds next week. I'll be at my desk, working. That's really hard.

Work-wise, it's okay. I didn't ever really get my bearings before, so it's sort of like starting a new job all over again. I miss being in charge of a team (and I had a great team). This job is much more technician, in spite of my director title. But that's probably for the best, since I do want to be able to spend time with the baby without being stressed out about work.

--The baby classes are great. I have made time in my schedule to be able to go to at least one of the classes each week, and that helps me feel less jealous and less disconnected. Gotta love having a flexible schedule!

--My weight loss has plateaued. I was hoping to drop more weight, but I think I'm going to have to exercise to make that happen. Ha ha.

--I have to go to a conference in Sacramento in early March for four days. Mike and I fought about it quite a bit, because I wanted him and the baby to go along and he didn't want to, but we've decided he's not going to go. I'm actually looking forward to going and being able to sleep (even though I have to get up to pump, I won't have to do any feedings or diaper changes in the middle of the night, and I can go to bed early, I hope).

--I'll have the baby all to myself in April for a weekend. That should be interesting. And we're going to Denver to visit Mike's parents and grandparents (his grandpa was just diagnosed with cancer) later that month.

--Everything is going well. I'm really enjoying being a mom. And I love Michaela like nobody's business.

--Parents are hilarious. My mom is totally against breastfeeding. She's convinced formula is better. My favorite quote on the subject: "I know you read on the internet that breastfeeding is best, but..." As if I read it on a website that also claims Elvis is alive and living in Boca! She's also not keen on cloth diapers. But she's watched Michaela twice now and did a great job (which I never doubted), and I'm appreciative that she's willing to do it.

--Neither of my parents have been over to see the baby. If we stop by, they're happy to see her. And they always ask about her. But they haven't come over. It's really weird, even for them.

I'll end here so I can get back to work, but hope to return to a regular posting schedule soon!