September

Somewhere along the line, I went from the mother of a baby to the mother of an infant. It's really amazing. I'm not sure how it happened. Michaela is 9 months old now and she's just the coolest kid. She's super curious about things. She loves animals. She loves the wind in her hair. She loves her grandma (my mom). Whenever we go to my mom's house, Michaela gets the HUGEST smile and always laughs. It's tremendously sweet.

And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.

She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.

Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.

And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.

We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...

Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.

Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.

The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!

Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!

I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!

That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.

(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)

Oh my goodness, so much time has passed. I'm still here Still alive, still blogging. I've just been busy, between work and baby and life and vacations. Quick update.

--Things with Mike have been better. I'm trying to focus more on the good things and less on the bad ones, and see if I can recapture the love I had. We had sex yesterday for the first time in probably 6 weeks. Eek. But it was nice, and he was happy.

--I had my 6-month post-partum checkup with the OB and talked to her about the physical pain I was having during sex. She did an exam and clued right in on where the pain was. My skin did something weird when growing back from the stitching, so she gave me a steroid cream to use. It gave me some other discomfort, so I didn't use it the full time I was supposed to. I probably should, though, because it still hurt (though not as much) when Mike and I had sex yesterday.

--Michaela is doing GREAT! She's enormous-- tall and heavy. She is eating solid foods now. She's has avocado, banana, green beans, butternut squash, carrots, and, as of today, cottage cheese. Banana is her favorite; green beans are her least favorite. She has two teeth now that have broken the gums. She's sitting up very well, and is so curious about the world around her.

--With her new solid food consumption, Michaela isn't drinking as much breast milk, so I don't have to pump as often. I am now not getting up in the middle of the night to pump, which is fabulous. She sleeps through the night and now I can, too!

--Work is going great. I was working really, really long days on a project for weeks, a month or two ago, but now it's calmed down and I'm back to my normal schedule.

--We went on vacation to visit Mike's family and had a blast. It was one of the best vacations I've eve had, hands down. The grandparents and uncles and aunt were excited to see Michaela, and we had a really nice week relaxing and spending time together. It's going to become an annual tradition, and I have to say, I can't wait!

--I'm looking at hiring someone to take care of the baby one day a week. My mom is going to take her on Thursdays for the next 11 weeks while Mike teaches a morning class, but I still feel like it would be good to have help another day a week so he can concentrate on his business. I need to do some research to see what questions one should ask a potential baby sitter/nanny.

--Mike's mom and stepdad are coming to visit in two weeks. His mom just retired, so she's going to stay for about 10 days. Then her hubby will come and they'll watch Michaela while Mike and I head to Northern California for a friend's wedding. Should be a nice getaway.

--My best friend lives in Chicago and had twins about 2.5 months ago. I'm going to go visit her sometime in the next couple of months. It'll just be me and Michaela, but it should be a blast. Another friend just moved there, too, so I'll also get to see her while we're out. Just need to find a date and book my tix!

--We're talking about doing a cruise in October with Mike's mom and stepdad or mom and grandma (his grandpa died a few months ago). It would be a cruise we've done before, but still, a fun trip. This year has involved a lot of travel!

--I continue to suffer form itching when I get too hot. apparently that's here to stay. When I exercise or when it's warm out, or if I stay in the hot shower too long... BAM! Itchy rash. Ugh!

--My birthday is in about two months. I've gotta decide what to do. My treat to myself may be my trip to Chicago. And that's okay. Michaela's 1st birthday is 5 months from today (I know! How is it possible my baby is 7 months old?!?) and I'm trying to decide what we should do to celebrate it. Since Mike's family is split (mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom), it's a little more awkward, and since it's so close to Christmas, there are other considerations. I'm thinking we may just do something small-- like we'll do a cake for Michaela and invite my parents and invite all of Mike's parents-- and tell any family members who live somewhere else they're welcome to join us for Christmas if they want. I don't think anyone will-- Mike's mom and stepdad will have just been out in October, and with Mike's grandpa having passed away, they won't leave his grandma; and Mike's dad and stepmom have talked about coming in February or March, so they probably wouldn't come twice in such a short period of time-- but it's nice to offer and to get it on the calendar.

That's all for now. I will try to return to my days of being good about posting. I know someday, I'll look back at this and be really happy I documented my thoughts and the things that were happening in our lives. So I just need to make the time for it!

Sleep disturbance

It shouldn't be harder to have Mike here than gone, but right now, it feels like it is. Mike was gone Friday morning through last night on a trip. He was in Vegas, whooping it up with his brothers and I was home with the baby. My mom came over Friday and helped me with her, and I went to her house Monday so she could help while I was on conference calls for work, but I spent all of the nights taking care of Michaela myself.

Mike gets back last night and is pooped. Of course he is, all he did was drink and gamble and walk and party for four days. Still, he "generously" offers to get up with Michaela in the middle of the night. We put her down at about 9 p.m. At 12:30 a.m., I get up to pump. Mike is still awake. At 2:30, Michaela gets up and Mike changes and feeds her (feeds her in our bed, which I have specifically asked him not to do). At 5:30, I get up to pump again. At 7, Michaela wakes up hungry. I ask Mike to feed her and he says he's tired. I remind him that he said he'd get up with her and he says he only said he'd do it at night and that it was now morning. I asked him to do it anyway. He gets up, pops a pacifier in her mouth and comes back to bed. She proceeds to make noise and suck loudly on her hand for the next half hour, a time period in which I can't go back to sleep because all I can hear is my baby. I don't blame Michaela-- she was hungry. So at 7:30, I get up and feed her. Mike promptly goes back to sleep. It's now a little after 8 and I'm up for the day. I can't go back to sleep once I get up at this time of the morning.

I am pissed off because I have to get up multiple times a night EVERY NIGHT, whether Michaela sleeps through it or not. And I manage. I'm pissed because I know that he's tired, but he has no one to blame but himself. He got to sleep full nights of sleep, 3 nights in a row. He could have partied less hard if it was going to be so difficult for him to get up. He could have gone to bed before 1:30 last night. I am pissed off because it's chicken shit to pull the "I'm tired" card without any regard to the fact that I was the only one getting up with her while he was gone and that I have to get up multiple times a night every night. It would have been a really nice gesture on his part to suck it up and get up. Not to mention the fact that he can take a nap today during the day. I can't because I will be working.

That's what I mean when I say it should be easier when he's here than harder.

Sweetest Thing in the World

I don't always put Michaela to bed, but sometimes I do. I put a disposable diaper on her (blasphemous in our cloth diapering household, but I'm tired of her special areas being red from diaper rash, due to sitting in a wet diaper all night) and then feed her. Michaela will suck pretty good on her bottle and then get tired. Her sucking slows and eventually she'll let me take the bottle out of her mouth. Her eyes close and I cradle her to my chest. She heaves a big sigh and then takes sweet little breaths as she falls asleep. I like to rest my head against hers, or press my lips to her soft skin, and hold her like that for a while before putting her to bed in her crib. Each time I do that, my heart fills with love and I try to make a mental movie of the moment and the feeling, because I know it won't be long. Soon enough, she'll be too big for me to hold like that, and eventually she'll get to a point where she will put herself to bed. So I savor the moment while I can.

Where'd March Go?

Well, here we are at the end of March. My goodness. Time really does fly!

--Michaela is cooing like crazy! We have been Skype-ing with the family a lot. They all think she's adorable (and rightly so). Her little personality is really starting to come out.

--I got to see my dad interact with Michaela yesterday. He loves her so much. It really warms my heart.

--I think we're going to see if my mom would be willing to watch Michaela one day a week. It would help us out tremendously. I think she'd like to in theory, but Michaela is getting heavy and it's a little hard on my mom physically.

--Mike and I are doing okay. We had a doozy of a fight last week but are back to talking to each other after three days of silence. You might think it'd be hard to give someone the silent treatment for so long when you live together and both work at home, but we are very stubborn people.

--I've started training for a 5k. Have I mentioned that here? I'm not one to run, but so far, it's going okay. A friend is doing it with me and we are enjoying it. Or I am, at least.

--I am feeling less resentful of pumping. It depends on the day, of course. But Michaela is only 2 weeks away from being 4 months, and I figure that means I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal.

--We're talking about implementing a serious budget starting in April. I'd like to go back to saving, if only so we can think about moving to the suburbs where Michaela would be able to be friends with kids who speak English, to have a yard, to go to a good school, etc. Funny how things change when you have a kid.

--Michaela is sleeping pretty well. She's not sleeping through the night every night, but she is going for long stretches pretty regularly. Last night, she slept 12 hours (very unlike her), though I had to get up twice to pump. Still, I'll take it!

I constantly think of things I want to write about, but then I don't get to it and when I sit down to write updates like these, I can't think of half the things I wanted to write. I'll have to start jotting down notes to myself.

Life at home

Michaela weights 17 pounds, according to our home scale. She's a big girl! Mike said his mom told him that he was always in the 95th percentile of the age group above what he was in, and it seems like Michaela is in the same boat.

She has a cold right now and is really snotty. I feel bad for her. Her nose is chapped and raw, and her nasal passages are full of phlegm. The poor thing doesn't know how to blow her nose yet, so I try to suck out what I can with the nasal bulb ("snot sucker") and wipe what comes out of her nose as I see it.

The baby is going through another growth spurt and has been eating like a hungry, hungry hippo. Thank goodness for formula supplementation!

Mike and I are doing better. He says I'm over my postpartum depression. Well, he says (sarcastically), I'd be over it if I' had it. (Since I maintain that I wasn't suffering from it.) I still am not excited about sex. It still hurts and I'm just not into it. Most of the time, if I'm in bed, I prefer to be sleeping. That doesn't go over very well around here.

But things are pretty good and I'm really enjoying being a mom. Hopefully I can expand on that soon in another post.

Two months already

It's scary how much has happened in the weeks since I last wrote. There have been a ton of things that I've said to myself, "gotta remember to blog about that," but then I don't have time or don't make it a priority. Too bad, because I know someday I'll look back on these posts and appreciate having captured my thoughts.

Briefly, here are some more.

--Went to Michaela's two-month peds appointment yesterday and the doctor said she has a heart murmur. Not what any mom wants to hear. She said it sounds innocent and it should be fine, but she referred us to the pediatric cardiologist anyway to have an echo cardiogram.

--Michaela got her first shots. I was upset, as was she, but she did great. I feel lucky she doesn't cry much. We really have a good baby.

--She's huge! The pediatrician said she never would have known Michaela was born a month early. She's in the 97% percentile on weight, 90% percentile on length, and 75% in head size, but the doctor stressed that it's all proportionate.

--Mike and I had sex last night for the first time since the baby was born. I felt like I was being ripped apart, in spite of the fact that my OB said I am all healed up. I guess it goes without saying that the sex wasn't that great for me.

--Mike and I had been fighting for weeks on end, but we seem to be in a better place now. In the thick of it, I was thinking obsessively about divorce, which friends told me would happen. But that didn't make it better.

--Work is good. I've resigned myself to having to work, so I figure I might as well make the best of it. I really like my boss and that helps, and it's nice to be at home. Actually, here's how I put it in an email a couple of weeks ago to a friend:
Being back at work sucks. Well, no, that's not fair. It's complicated. I'm trying to remind myself that this arrangement is MUCH better than my previous one in terms of what it means for my family. And that's absolutely true. This morning, I got up at 8:30, turned on my computer, and was at work. On my lunch break, I helped Mike give Michaela a bath. I'm doing laundry as I type this. All of those things are great.

On the other hand, I'm totally jealous of Mike, who will start taking Michaela to baby sign language and outdoor education classes for 0-12-month-olds next week. I'll be at my desk, working. That's really hard.

Work-wise, it's okay. I didn't ever really get my bearings before, so it's sort of like starting a new job all over again. I miss being in charge of a team (and I had a great team). This job is much more technician, in spite of my director title. But that's probably for the best, since I do want to be able to spend time with the baby without being stressed out about work.

--The baby classes are great. I have made time in my schedule to be able to go to at least one of the classes each week, and that helps me feel less jealous and less disconnected. Gotta love having a flexible schedule!

--My weight loss has plateaued. I was hoping to drop more weight, but I think I'm going to have to exercise to make that happen. Ha ha.

--I have to go to a conference in Sacramento in early March for four days. Mike and I fought about it quite a bit, because I wanted him and the baby to go along and he didn't want to, but we've decided he's not going to go. I'm actually looking forward to going and being able to sleep (even though I have to get up to pump, I won't have to do any feedings or diaper changes in the middle of the night, and I can go to bed early, I hope).

--I'll have the baby all to myself in April for a weekend. That should be interesting. And we're going to Denver to visit Mike's parents and grandparents (his grandpa was just diagnosed with cancer) later that month.

--Everything is going well. I'm really enjoying being a mom. And I love Michaela like nobody's business.

--Parents are hilarious. My mom is totally against breastfeeding. She's convinced formula is better. My favorite quote on the subject: "I know you read on the internet that breastfeeding is best, but..." As if I read it on a website that also claims Elvis is alive and living in Boca! She's also not keen on cloth diapers. But she's watched Michaela twice now and did a great job (which I never doubted), and I'm appreciative that she's willing to do it.

--Neither of my parents have been over to see the baby. If we stop by, they're happy to see her. And they always ask about her. But they haven't come over. It's really weird, even for them.

I'll end here so I can get back to work, but hope to return to a regular posting schedule soon!

Stream of Consciousness, Part 2

--I just had the most successful breastfeeding session with Michaela ever. She fed for 45 minutes. Normally, getting to 15 is a challenge, and it's more like, "I've been trying to get her to latch and to stay on for 15 minutes." This time is was, "okay, she's on and she's sucking with occasional slight pauses, but holy cow, she's really going!" It was awesome.

--Mike is a great dad, but he's terrible at getting up in the middle of the night. And he never moves as quickly as I want, which is frustrating, especially when I'm short on sleep.

--I woke up last night with my bra and sheets soaked. Totally soaked. The pads didn't help. I wonder if it's because I have really big nipples? The lactation consultant said I had two nipples that became one, so I need larger flanges for the breast pump. Seems like it'd make sense, then, that I'd probably need larger pads, though they don't come in different sizes.

--I have already lost 23 pounds. I weighed myself last night and couldn't believe it. It had been really depressing to go to the doctor each week and see a number that is higher than Mike's, even though I know it was natural and good for the baby. But when I outweighed him by a good 10-15 pounds-- weighing in at 201 at my last appointment the day I was induced-- I wasn't feeling so hot about the number on the scale. So last night when I got on my personal scale and it was 178, I was pretty happy!

--I'm a total idiot. Michaela's cord stump fell off the other day and we couldn't find it. I wasn't convinced we should save it forever, but I at least wanted to try to find it and look at it, because I love weird shit like that. Well, we couldn't find it. Today, I took the dog outside to go to the bathroom and saw what looked like a pincher bug on his coat. I flicked it away with my fingers into some bushes, and it dawned on me about .0001 seconds after I flicked it that it wasn't a pincher bug, it was Michaela's cord stump. Oops.

Stream of Consciousness

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I was induced and had the baby-- a great story I'll come back to tell in another post. In the meantime, I wanted to jot down a few thoughts so they wouldn't get lost in a fog of sleep deprivation.

--My new job. The benefits situation is all fucked up. Cobra through my old job is nearly $850/month for me and the baby. That doesn't include Mike, who is another couple of hundred bucks through his Cobra. Oy. Also, the 30-day maternity leave (since I'm not eligible for FMLA) is 30 days, not 30 work days, and so far, I've been told that it starts the day I had the baby. Given that this is December, and between this month and January, there are a lot of holidays I would normally have off anyway, I'm not thrilled about "losing" those days. My boss is pressing for an answer, though, and I am trying to be hopeful.

--Similarly, the thought of having to go back to work after only 30 days is killing me. I'm trying to remind myself, though, that even though I would have had more time off at my old job, eventually I would have had to go back and do the long commute and that would be excruciating as well.

--I'm soooooo tired. But sort of not tired. I don't think this is sustainable and I'll crash at some point, but right now, I'm tired but manage to keep it up throughout the day and then to get up multiple times at night.

--The baby is adorable. I'm in love with her like I've never loved anything or anyone else before. The love I have for her is totally different than my love for Mike. She has had some issues with jaundice, since she's technically a preemie (born at 36 weeks, not 37 or 40), and seeing her under the bili lights and having to get her heel stuck for blood tests every day is killing me. I know she will be okay, and it's good to get this taken care of, but it's so hard!

--Speaking of hard: breastfeeding. My goodness. The frustration was incredible. I cried and cried and cried the first several days, due to the breastfeeding situation and the jaundice situation. One night in the beginning, when I was in the newborn nursery-- I had to go there every 2-3 hours to take her off the bili light machine so I could feed Michaela-- I just said, "fuck it" and gave her a bottle with formula in it rather than continue to struggle to breastfeed her. It was a watershed moment. I felt so relieved, like all of the pressure was off me. I could give my baby what she needed, even if it didn't come from my boobs, and that's what was most important. The next day a really great lactation consultant came to my room and worked with me and I had more success, though it's still slow going. Michaela (that's how we ended up spelling it, which is another funny story) latches on but gets really tired and doesn't like to suck for very long. Not good when you need a lot of protein to bind to the bilirubin to make your jaundice go away. So we were supplementing her with formula, first out of a tube and syringe (so painful) and later (now) breast milk out of a bottle.

--I always sort of wondered how I'd know things like, how will I know when/how to push and how will I know if my milk came in. The labor front was amazing, my body did what it was meant to do. I got to a certain point where I felt all this pressure and said to Mike and the nurse, "I have to start pushing." And I did. On the milk front, it's very clear my milk is in because I'm like a Holstein cow! I have so much milk! My plan is that if breastfeeding doesn't work out (I have an appointment in 2 weeks with another lactation consultant, but am going to try to move that up to be sooner), I will just continue to pump and feed the baby out of a bottle. That's also nice because then Mike can do some of the middle-of-the-night feedings. :)

--Mike is, as I expected, an amazing father. He has a great touch with Michaela. When we were at the hospital, nurses would constantly tell me how impressed they were with him and how good he is with the baby. I told everyone he's the primary and I'm the secondary caregiver.

--I'm a pretty good mom, I think. I'm still a little hesitant on some things and unskilled on others (like putting the baby's clothes on, or getting her in/out of the car seat), but I will get better. And I'm not sure that anyone loves her more than I do, and that counts for something, right?

--I was in the hospital for six days. Six days. Now I'm totally confused about what date it is. I know Christmas is right around the corner, but we've decided to skip it this year. No time or energy to drag out the decorations and no interest in lugging the baby to the crowded malls to buy gifts for people which they probably won't get in time for the holidays, anyway, since so much family lives far away.

--My friends and family are awesome. They have all been so supportive, calling and texting and emailing and sending messages of love and congratulations and encouragement through Facebook. I have a core group of girl friends who have kids and they have been especially great, but it's not just other moms. Everyone has been wonderful!

--Mike and I went to lunch today at a restaurant where I went with his mom, when she was in town, about 10 days ago. I couldn't get over how crazy it is that 10 days ago, I was still pregnant, still a month away from having the baby, and his mom was here. Now, 10 days later, his mom is back in Colorado and I'm a mom. Wow.

Lots of other emotions and random tidbits to share, but I'm happy to have gotten these things out.

Sick

Well, I finally got the flu shot saga cleared up. Went to the doctor on Monday and was told there aren't any H1N1 shots, and that you can't have one if you've been vaccinated within 30 days. So I got a seasonal flu shot and a month from now, if I have to, I'll get the H1N1 vaccine, too.

Of course about an hour after I got my seasonal flu shot, I started feeling REALLY sick. Chest and head congestion, sore throat, alternatively productive and unproductive (non-productive?) coughs, chills. I immediately got into bed and laid around for the rest of the day. It didn't get better as time passed, though Mike did make me his delicious homemade chicken soup. I also stayed home today and mostly slept. Slept and coughed.

I sent an email to my doctor who wrote back saying that the flu vaccine doesn't have any live flu in it (which I knew, but I wanted to put the timing in perspective) and that I'm either having flu-like symptoms as a result of my immune system mobilizing due to the vaccine or that I got the vaccine a little too late and had already been exposed to the flu. Great.

I can take Robitussin, she said, and Benadryl, and should watch out for fever. If I get a fever, I need to call the doctor immediately. Gotta get out my thermometer.

Buzz saw

One of the things I've read in my pregnancy books is that the membranes that line the uterus are the same as those that line the nose. The changes that happen during pregnancy happen not only to the uterine membranes, but also to the ones in the nose. This results in snoring.

I don't usually snore, but apparently I've been doing it lately. Mike has told me that I've been snoring loudly enough that he can hear me from the living room. The first time he said that, we sort of laughed about it. I was embarrassed, but what can I do? He didn't mention it again, until last night, when he called me a buzz saw. Once again, I was snoring so loudly that he could hear me from the other room. It made it hard for him to sleep, and he went and slept on the couch. (That said, I did sleep very well. It's nice to have the whole bed to myself!)

I explained to him the biological reason for my new symphony of sounds and he told me it's cute. It's not, but I appreciate the sentiment. Last night, I was having a hard time getting comfortable-- lots of tossing and turning-- and add to that a fear of snoring and keeping Mike up, and it wasn't the most restful night I've ever had. I slept on the couch for a few hours and then came back to bed. Hopefully I'll get over this (not sure why the snoring has given me a complex; there's nothing I can do about it) so we can get back to normal!

The latest

Wow, it's been more than a week since I last wrote. Where does the time go? The scary thing is that it's going to go even faster once I have the baby!

I've noticed lately that my feet swell-- A LOT -- if I stand too much. At the end of the day, a couple of days ago, I looked down and my feet looked like sausages. Gross! I showed them to Mike, who commented on my cankles. Yup, I'd swollen p so much that my ankles had disappeared and started to blend into my calves. I'm trying to do a better job now of sitting more often and of elevating my feet.

One good thing that's come of all of this is that I feel pretty good about being bigger. I definitely am getting bigger and heavier, and sometimes I get a little down about it, but I also am happy and proud of my pregnant belly, which is home to a little person. I am surprised by it, actually. I have a maternity camisole and I feel pretty comfortable just wearing it around, even though it is form fitting and shows off my belly. Actually, I like it because it is form fitting and shows off my belly!

Sleep has gone by the wayside. Well, good sleep has, anyway. I get up frequently and get up a lot each night. Sometimes I feel exhausted but can't quite get to sleep, or I finally get to sleep but wake up a little bit later and can't go back to sleep. I took a nap at work the other day; balled up my jacket, laid on the floor under my desk, and woke up 25 minutes later when my phone started ringing. God, it was great.

I'm trying to stay hydrated but not doing that great of a job. I am procrastinating on starting to take my prenatal vitamins again, and instead keep taking my adult gummy vitamins. I haven't been eating particularly well, either. But I'm chugging along, and so is Poppy.

Goodnight, moon

It's been five days and I still seem to be pregnant (based on the morning sickness I have had for the last few days). So that's good, and for the moment, I don't have to worry about being upset with our dog.

As I've mentioned, I'm starting to have some sleep issues. I have been drinking more water, so I usually get up to pee in the middle of the night. In the middle of the night, lately, I've gotten really hot-- so hot I drip sweat-- and that wakes me up. I also toss and turn all night (from side to side) so I can try to find a comfortable sleeping position. And our dog has been sleeping in our bed lately and once he's asleep, he doesn't like to move much, so I often find myself trapped in a small corner of the bed. To top it all off, my lovely husband loves to spoon and snuggle. All the things I described above make me not fun to spoon or snuggle, and it makes it not fun for me to do so, either. I have been having fantasies lately of sleeping on the couch or on the guest bed, but Mike would be hurt by that and I don't want to hurt him, so I just try to suck it up.

Well, last night Mike and I got into a fight. It was small and it was over something stupid, but somehow it turned into me going to bed in our bed and him sleeping on the couch. I woke up at 3 a.m. and realized it was just me and the dog in bed. I felt guilty for a moment and thought, "I should go get Mike, tell him to come to bed." Then I thought, "Fuck that! This is my chance to spread out!" And so I did, and in the process had the best night's sleep I've had in weeks.

I'm not saying I'm going to start picking fights with Mike just so I can get sleep, but... if I get really desperate, at least now I have the option!

Flight 187

This morning, as I kissed a sleeping Mike goodbye and got ready to leave for work, he murmured, "sometimes I feel like I'm sleeping in an airport." That was a reference to the fact that I got up twice in the middle of the night to pee and once to shoo away the 2 cats having loud sex directly outside our bedroom window. The only reason the cats bothered me is that I was awake (because I was having trouble sleeping) and the noise made it impossible for me to fall back asleep.

When he said that, I wanted to kill him. But I didn't. I thought mean thoughts to myself ("You did this to me, fucker!") and left. I mentioned to him a couple of hours ago that I wanted to talk to him about it and we had a little chat.

I explained that I am really uncomfortable. That I have a hard time finding a position that is restful. That I have hot flashes and sweat like a pig in the middle of the night. That there's pressure on my bladder and that I have to get up frequently to pee. That when he wants to snuggle and insists I sleep a certain way so he can spoon me or I can spoon him, I end up getting cricks in my neck or my limbs fall asleep. To summarize, I explained, if he's having a hard time sleeping because I'm tossing and turning, IMAGINE HOW I FEEL!

He totally got it and apologized. He said "it's a nice airport," which lightened the mood a bit. I think he'll think twice before making a comment like that again, even if he thinks it, and that's good enough for me.