September

Somewhere along the line, I went from the mother of a baby to the mother of an infant. It's really amazing. I'm not sure how it happened. Michaela is 9 months old now and she's just the coolest kid. She's super curious about things. She loves animals. She loves the wind in her hair. She loves her grandma (my mom). Whenever we go to my mom's house, Michaela gets the HUGEST smile and always laughs. It's tremendously sweet.

And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.

She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.

Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.

And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.

We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...

Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.

Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.

The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!

Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!

I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!

That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.

(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)

Four Month Update

I try not to be too Type A, too competitive about Michaela. I know that comparing her to other babies is a recipe for disaster. And the doctor has told us that since Michaela was a month early, we should give her an extra month to do things. But I have a couple of friends who have babies around the same age as Michaela. One is a girl who is 10 days younger, the other is a boy who is 2 weeks older. Today I had lunch with the friend with the daughter and I couldn't help but compare the two babies in my head. The girl, V, has rolled over. Michaela hasn't. V can grab her feet. Michaela can't. The boy, S, is smiling a lot and cooing a lot and seems much more... developed... than Michaela.

She'll be four months old tomorrow. I am reminding myself that she is growing by leaps and bounds and that one day equals a large percentage of her life. So I need to give her time and let her grow at her own rate. Besides, there's nothing I can do about it either way.

She is cooing, she smiles. Her vision seems to be really good. Michaela is a happy baby and clearly loves us very much. And I am happy with that!

Tuesday we go to the pediatrician for her four month check up. She'll get some shots (ugh) and get measured and weighed, and we'll get the pediatrician's professional opinion on Michaela's progress. More then!

Two months already

It's scary how much has happened in the weeks since I last wrote. There have been a ton of things that I've said to myself, "gotta remember to blog about that," but then I don't have time or don't make it a priority. Too bad, because I know someday I'll look back on these posts and appreciate having captured my thoughts.

Briefly, here are some more.

--Went to Michaela's two-month peds appointment yesterday and the doctor said she has a heart murmur. Not what any mom wants to hear. She said it sounds innocent and it should be fine, but she referred us to the pediatric cardiologist anyway to have an echo cardiogram.

--Michaela got her first shots. I was upset, as was she, but she did great. I feel lucky she doesn't cry much. We really have a good baby.

--She's huge! The pediatrician said she never would have known Michaela was born a month early. She's in the 97% percentile on weight, 90% percentile on length, and 75% in head size, but the doctor stressed that it's all proportionate.

--Mike and I had sex last night for the first time since the baby was born. I felt like I was being ripped apart, in spite of the fact that my OB said I am all healed up. I guess it goes without saying that the sex wasn't that great for me.

--Mike and I had been fighting for weeks on end, but we seem to be in a better place now. In the thick of it, I was thinking obsessively about divorce, which friends told me would happen. But that didn't make it better.

--Work is good. I've resigned myself to having to work, so I figure I might as well make the best of it. I really like my boss and that helps, and it's nice to be at home. Actually, here's how I put it in an email a couple of weeks ago to a friend:
Being back at work sucks. Well, no, that's not fair. It's complicated. I'm trying to remind myself that this arrangement is MUCH better than my previous one in terms of what it means for my family. And that's absolutely true. This morning, I got up at 8:30, turned on my computer, and was at work. On my lunch break, I helped Mike give Michaela a bath. I'm doing laundry as I type this. All of those things are great.

On the other hand, I'm totally jealous of Mike, who will start taking Michaela to baby sign language and outdoor education classes for 0-12-month-olds next week. I'll be at my desk, working. That's really hard.

Work-wise, it's okay. I didn't ever really get my bearings before, so it's sort of like starting a new job all over again. I miss being in charge of a team (and I had a great team). This job is much more technician, in spite of my director title. But that's probably for the best, since I do want to be able to spend time with the baby without being stressed out about work.

--The baby classes are great. I have made time in my schedule to be able to go to at least one of the classes each week, and that helps me feel less jealous and less disconnected. Gotta love having a flexible schedule!

--My weight loss has plateaued. I was hoping to drop more weight, but I think I'm going to have to exercise to make that happen. Ha ha.

--I have to go to a conference in Sacramento in early March for four days. Mike and I fought about it quite a bit, because I wanted him and the baby to go along and he didn't want to, but we've decided he's not going to go. I'm actually looking forward to going and being able to sleep (even though I have to get up to pump, I won't have to do any feedings or diaper changes in the middle of the night, and I can go to bed early, I hope).

--I'll have the baby all to myself in April for a weekend. That should be interesting. And we're going to Denver to visit Mike's parents and grandparents (his grandpa was just diagnosed with cancer) later that month.

--Everything is going well. I'm really enjoying being a mom. And I love Michaela like nobody's business.

--Parents are hilarious. My mom is totally against breastfeeding. She's convinced formula is better. My favorite quote on the subject: "I know you read on the internet that breastfeeding is best, but..." As if I read it on a website that also claims Elvis is alive and living in Boca! She's also not keen on cloth diapers. But she's watched Michaela twice now and did a great job (which I never doubted), and I'm appreciative that she's willing to do it.

--Neither of my parents have been over to see the baby. If we stop by, they're happy to see her. And they always ask about her. But they haven't come over. It's really weird, even for them.

I'll end here so I can get back to work, but hope to return to a regular posting schedule soon!

Progress Report

Good lord, what a tremendous amount of time has passed! So much to write about, so little time.

--These days, baby sleeps well during the day and not well at night. It sucks! She also seems to have a hard time with her digestive system, so she's always sort of grunting. It makes me feel bad for her, but I suppose that's normal for some babies...

--It's hard to know what to call the pediatrician about and what not to. The grunting, for example. I'm assuming it's normal, but what if it isn't? Should I make an appointment?

--Mike's mom and stepdad were here for a week. They just left today. Their visit had its ups and downs, but one of the highlights was Friday night. I went to bed at about 9 pm, and Mike came to bed shortly thereafter, and his parents got up with the baby all night. They did all the feedings and all the diaper changes, and Mike and I got a lot of sleep!

--Michaela is up to 11 pounds, 6 ounces. What a proud moment for me! To think that all that weight gain is due to my breast milk! It makes me feel encouraged to keep going, even though I continue to have breastfeeding issues.

Actually, breastfeeding is going fine. We went to Disneyland last week and I nursed the baby twice while we were there. I'm trying switch nursing, since Michaela falls asleep quickly on the boob and doesn't drink enough to be full (or to empty my breast). It takes about an hour to nurse her fully, but I continue to try to do it once or twice a day.

I'm also pumping, and with Mike's family in town, we were out and about a lot. I didn't take my pump with me (except to Disneyland, and I did pump once), which means I haven't been building up a supply of milk in bottles. That's frustrating, because if I don't have milk in bottles, I have to do all the feedings myself. So I'm pumping like crazy, which may or may not result in increased production. We'll see, I guess...

--I think Michaela is going through a growth spurt. She's eating really frequently, and is eating 4-5 ounces each time. That's a lot of milk! Mike's stepdad calculated that I may be feeding her up to a half gallon a day. That sort of made me feel like a cow, but it's certainly interesting to think about.

--I'm getting really bummed about having to go back to work. Mike is going to take the baby to a baby sign language class, and to an outdoor education class. I wish I could do those things with them.

--We have about a 5 day break and then Mike's grandma comes to stay with us for a week. Having guests is nice, and everyone wants to see the baby, but it throws us off our routine.

We had established a good routine of a 10 p.m. bedtime. First I'd feed Michaela, then I'd change her, then I'd read her a book, then put her in her crib and turn on her little musical mobile thing. But the last week, I wasn't able to do any of that, and I wonder if that isn't contributing to Michaela's difficulty sleeping.

--Mike and I haven't been getting along very well. We're both tired all the time, which doesn't help. I'm not looking forward to the six week postpartum mark, because that's when I can have sex again and I know he'll be all over me(literally) about that. Oy.

--Michaela is now 5 weeks old. It's gone by very quickly.

--Lots of other things I'd like to write about, but I don't have time right now. Mike is holding the baby for a half hour and I have to take advantage of that while I can!