Trying

*I wrote this 3 days ago. Couldn't post while I was on vacation.*

I guess I sort of left everything hanging after my last post. I feel like the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thought was a bombshell. After I had the epiphany, it was all I could think about. All day, for days after it hit me, I was in a bit of a funk. I was brooding over it, thinking about it, turning the words around and around in my head. A few days after, Mike and Michaela and I were on our way to a local festival and I almost started crying. The weight of what I had been thinking struck me and I was SO SAD. It made me sad for the passion that has gone and sad as I contemplated my future-- and Michaela's future. And then it hit me that perhaps I could try to find a new way of loving Mike and we could build something new. Of course, it's hard for a couple to build something new when only one person knows that's what's going on, but it would kill Mike if I told him.

And so I have been trying to think back to what we had and to let that rosy glow cast a little light on today. I've wandered down memory lane and have spent a lot of time reminiscing with myself.

As I type this, we're in Denver, visiting Mike's family. I love his family and they are very good to me and to Michaela. It's been really nice to have people to take the baby, to change the baby, to feed the baby, leaving us to sleep in a little bit and to relax a little bit. In fact, being less stressed has totally made me feel more in love with Mike. I also think being surrounded by family makes me think about how much I want Michaela to have a big, happy family, and makes me want to try harder to make it so.

Mike even commented to me today that I seem much happier and that I seem to want to be around him. It's really sad that he normally feels like I don't want to be around him, and I need to hold on to this feeling as we return home.