I feel like every time I write, I open with, "wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote." This time is different, in that I'm starting with "I feel like every time I write..." Ha ha.
So it's the end of November. We're two weeks away from Michaela being a year old. She went from a little poppy seed to a big, vibrant, happy girl. It's incredible how quickly the year has gone. Someone said to me, about being a mom, "the days are slow, but the years are fast." I totally get that. Some days, I am counting down to 7 p.m., when she usually goes to bed. Then I think about how old Michaela is and my mind is blown all over again.
So, since October, a lot has happened. We went on our cruise, which was very nice. Mike, Michaela and I cruised to Mexico with Mike's mom and stepdad. The trip was a success. I got time to relax (went to the spa, got a massage and a facial) and had a break from the day-to-day, and we all had fun. The grandparents loved spending time with Michaela. Mike and his stepdad took a ton of pictures, which they both enjoy. While on the trip, Michaela started saying "mama," "dada," and "nana."
Our cruise was over Halloween, so Michaela spent her first Halloween dressed adorably as a monkey while heading to paradise. It was very, very warm, so she only wore the costume for about 10 minutes. Nonetheless, we captured the moment with pictures, which was all I wanted.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Michaela had a blast. A total blast. Mike make turkey and all the fixings and I made Michaela a plate of them, which she got to feed herself. She crammed fistfuls of cranberry sauce, stuffing, mashed potatoes, turkey and a roll in her face while Mike and I took pictures. She loved the food and had a lot of fun.
I was less than excited about the way Thanksgiving went down from a family standpoint. We were supposed to go to the Bay Area to spend some time with Mike's grandma. Mike ended up having to work Friday night, so we couldn't drive all the way up to Nor. Cal. and then back in time for him to work. Mike dilly-dallied in letting his grandma know, which I thought was really disrespectful. I was really looking forward to spending time with her, and for her to get to see Michaela (who she hasn't seen since the baby was a month old). So that was a bummer. When we ended up having to stay home, I invited my parents over. They declined. Yup, declined. Just like last year, when I had to call and beg them to come (which they did). So lame. And hurtful.
This year's excuse was that my dad needed to wrap up his moving. Yup, he's moving into my mom's house. Finally. After six years of their living apart.
So back in October, my dad got a call from the woman who owns the house my family has rented for the last 24 years. The house I grew up in. The woman said she was having an inspector come by because she was having the house refinanced. It sounded totally sketchy, because why would you randomly have an inspector come when you haven't been to the house for 20 years? The owner literally never went there, never looked at the state of the property, never put any money into fixing anything up, never... anything. So the whole thing was very fishy. Mike and I seized the opportunity. Mike called the owner and asked her if she was thinking about selling. She stuck to the refi story. Fine. He told her if they needed money, if they were thinking about refinancing, that we (Mike and I) would be interested in buying the place. They talked for quite some time and ended the conversation with her saying we should talk again in the middle of November. We went off on our cruise and when our ship pulled back into San Diego, I called my mom, whol told me that my dad had gotten a registered letter from the owner saying she was selling the house and he had to be out in a month. WHAT?
My parents (Well, now my dad) rent(s) the house, they don't own it. It was the right of the owners to sell their house. I don't blame the owners for selling it. I blame them for the way it went down. Why did the owner lie to my dad? Why did she lie to Mike? Why not call my dad and tel him what the deal was and then follow up with a letter? Really, after renting for 24 years, the way he found out was by a certified letter? The whole thing was totally fucked up.
So my dad, who doesn't deal well with change, was pretty shell shocked. He had to work on clearing out all of his possessions-- mainly cars and car parts, which is the reason he was still living there and not at my mom's house-- and work full time and everything else. Oy. He has been making good progress, and he got a lot of his stuff moved to a storage unit. His non-car personal belongings went to my mom's house. Or should I say, to *their* house.
Now my mom is all freaked out about them moving back in together. For the last six years, all she has been talking about is wanting my dad to move in with her. I'm not sure why, since they hated living together. But now she has her wish. Now don't get me wrong. I don't blame her for being nervous, but I wish for a second, she would at least acknowledge that she's finally getting what she wants. Even though it's a case of "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it."
At any rate. My dad gave the excuse that he couldn't come to dinner at our house because he was emptying out his house in preparation for the move. So he didn't come. I talked to my brother, who has a way of offering perspective on family-related situations (that's why I'd like to give Michaela a sibling-- so Michaela has the option of talking to someone else about how crazy Mike and I are). He basically told me I need to give up on inviting them to family stuff. That all of them-- my mom and dad and bro-- love me but show it in a different way and that I need to just meet them where they are and not expect them to meet me where I am. It's good advice. It's also easier said than done.
I was really angry at my dad. He gets so hurt that Michaela cries whenever she sees him. She does that because she doesn't see him very often. Now, she surely will see him more often once my dad moves in with my mom, but for the meantime... But I invite him over, give him the chance to spend time with Michaela, and he turns it down. And it's not just this one time. This happened last year, pre-Michaela. But it also happens all the time now. I invite both of my parents over and they refuse on a regular basis. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I expect more of them than that. Even at the same time I am happy with how good they are when they're with Michaela, I wish they could just be... normal. There, I said it. Normal. Maybe there's no such thing as normal. Maybe I've watched too many sitcoms in my life. But there it is.
Well, on that note... I'm going to go pump. I've been pumping for the last 11 1/2 months. My time with my Pump in Style is drawing to an end. I'm glad, so I can have my body back, but I'm also really proud that I've managed to do so for so long. Michaela may not have been exclusively breastfed, but she had an awful lot of breast milk!
And she's doing really well. She has 8 teeth and more on the way. She laughs, she waves hi and bye, she can sort of walk behind her walker toy thing. She crawls like a mad woman and does some cruising. She is a hoot. I love her so much.
That's a good place to end. Remind me next time to write about my upcoming promotion, about Mike's work, about the $3k I won(!), and about #2.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Time has gotten away from me again. I feel like I should do penance. "It has been 21 days since my last blog post." Except I'm an atheist, not Catholic.
Michaela is teething. She has 3 teeth all the way through the gums and two more that have poked through. There are lots more right behind them.
She is pulling herself up like crazy. She always wants to be standing. ALWAYS. If not standing, then moving. She can do what I call a "big girl crawl," but she's faster at army crawling, so she usually does that.
A friend of mine has a son, S., who is like a little monkey. He is two weeks older than Michaela and has been on the verge of walking for some time. I was talking to his mom today and Is aid something about having some time before Michaela walks and she was like, "oh yeah, you have lots of time." She didn't mean it in a mean way, but my competitive hackles were raised. I know babies do things on their own schedule, but dude. Then I comfort myself with the knowledge that Michaela has more teeth than S.
So tomorrow will be the last day I take the pill. I'm going to go off it and we'll start using condoms when we have sex. Which continues to be practically never. I have no interest in sex. As I've expressed her, I'm not sure how much of that is hormonal and how much of it is my connection with Mike. He got really mad at me yesterday and just totally blew up. Now that he's gotten it out, it's better, but whenever that happens, it always puts me on a path of thinking, "hmm, do I want to stay married? Should we get divorced? What's best for Michaela?"
My job is going very well. I have this nagging sensation that when my boss is out on maternity leave, I'm not going to get promoted to fill her spot. My prediction is that I'll get some sort of temporary promotion-- VP of Communications, maybe (instead of SVP) and a small raise. I think I'll probably take on a lot of her work, but not the management part of it, and if I had to guess, I'd say I'd start reporting to the chief of staff. So we'll see.
One of my coworkers, who I've become really close to, goes out on maternity leave next Wednesday. I'm really going to miss her. And not only because I'm totally freaked out about how much of her work I'm going to have to pick up while she's gone.
Both of our apartments are rented out. Hopefully it will stay that way. One of our tenants is in the Navy. He's a low-level grunt and he was only allowed to live off-ship because he was married. Now he and his wife are getting divorced and it's only a matter of time before the Navy figures that out. He's supposed to ship out to the Middle East in about a month. I'm hoping she will get shipped out and they won't make him move out until he's back (7 months later). That'd mean no tenant (yeah, quiet! plus, we could do some renovations in there which would make the place more marketable next time it goes on the market) but rent money, and then we'd be looking to rent it out during a good time to advertise vacancies. Fingers crossed!
Michaela's daycare is going well. It's not like she can talk about it, but I trust the provider and know she's in good hands. That's a big relief. The provider has another day open, so Mike and I need to talk about if we want to take it and have Michaela go to daycare three days a week. I happen to feel like that would be good, but Mike doesn't seem to. (What shock, we disagree on something.)
My mom is doing okay. She's been really tired lately. Not sure why. And of course she won't go to the doctor. I haven't heard anything about how her social security disability case is coming. Don't know if that means they denied her or if there hasn't been word, or what. She's not a very active participant, so whenever I suggest she call her attorney to find out what the fuck is going on, she blows me off.
Have I mentioned that I recently have been feeling like I don't want to get pregnant again? I was thinking we could start trying this fall, but now I am in a "not so much" kind of place. I feel like Michaela is so perfect and so special and so wonderful, I couldn't ever do any better. Also, she's so awesome, I want to spend all my time with her and give her all my attention. Of course, that's very selfish. The unselfish part of me says, "but what about the special bond siblings share? You want her to have that!" And I do.
Mike and I had a big fight about it, about 4 seconds after Michaela and I got home from visiting my best friend in Chicago. I told him the above, plus if we do decide to have another one, I'd ideally like to have at least a month where my body is my own. You know, where I'm not breastfeeding anyone and I'm not gestating anyone. He doesn't understand that. He told me I hated being pregnant and that he would be happy to adopt. I told him I didn't want to adopt, he asked why. I said because if we're going to have another kid, I want it to be my kid. We agreed not to talk about it for a while. Sigh.
Chicago was awesome. Michaela came down with a double ear infection. Not good. We put her on antibiotics about 4 days before we flew and it seemed to clear up the infection. She did great no the flights and we had a nice time, though she did get my friend's twin daughters sick. Oops. I guess that's life with kids.
So yeah. Things are mostly good. Except for the drama with Mike (which most of the time actually isn't drama, it's more like having a roommate), I have no complaints.
Michaela is teething. She has 3 teeth all the way through the gums and two more that have poked through. There are lots more right behind them.
She is pulling herself up like crazy. She always wants to be standing. ALWAYS. If not standing, then moving. She can do what I call a "big girl crawl," but she's faster at army crawling, so she usually does that.
A friend of mine has a son, S., who is like a little monkey. He is two weeks older than Michaela and has been on the verge of walking for some time. I was talking to his mom today and Is aid something about having some time before Michaela walks and she was like, "oh yeah, you have lots of time." She didn't mean it in a mean way, but my competitive hackles were raised. I know babies do things on their own schedule, but dude. Then I comfort myself with the knowledge that Michaela has more teeth than S.
So tomorrow will be the last day I take the pill. I'm going to go off it and we'll start using condoms when we have sex. Which continues to be practically never. I have no interest in sex. As I've expressed her, I'm not sure how much of that is hormonal and how much of it is my connection with Mike. He got really mad at me yesterday and just totally blew up. Now that he's gotten it out, it's better, but whenever that happens, it always puts me on a path of thinking, "hmm, do I want to stay married? Should we get divorced? What's best for Michaela?"
My job is going very well. I have this nagging sensation that when my boss is out on maternity leave, I'm not going to get promoted to fill her spot. My prediction is that I'll get some sort of temporary promotion-- VP of Communications, maybe (instead of SVP) and a small raise. I think I'll probably take on a lot of her work, but not the management part of it, and if I had to guess, I'd say I'd start reporting to the chief of staff. So we'll see.
One of my coworkers, who I've become really close to, goes out on maternity leave next Wednesday. I'm really going to miss her. And not only because I'm totally freaked out about how much of her work I'm going to have to pick up while she's gone.
Both of our apartments are rented out. Hopefully it will stay that way. One of our tenants is in the Navy. He's a low-level grunt and he was only allowed to live off-ship because he was married. Now he and his wife are getting divorced and it's only a matter of time before the Navy figures that out. He's supposed to ship out to the Middle East in about a month. I'm hoping she will get shipped out and they won't make him move out until he's back (7 months later). That'd mean no tenant (yeah, quiet! plus, we could do some renovations in there which would make the place more marketable next time it goes on the market) but rent money, and then we'd be looking to rent it out during a good time to advertise vacancies. Fingers crossed!
Michaela's daycare is going well. It's not like she can talk about it, but I trust the provider and know she's in good hands. That's a big relief. The provider has another day open, so Mike and I need to talk about if we want to take it and have Michaela go to daycare three days a week. I happen to feel like that would be good, but Mike doesn't seem to. (What shock, we disagree on something.)
My mom is doing okay. She's been really tired lately. Not sure why. And of course she won't go to the doctor. I haven't heard anything about how her social security disability case is coming. Don't know if that means they denied her or if there hasn't been word, or what. She's not a very active participant, so whenever I suggest she call her attorney to find out what the fuck is going on, she blows me off.
Have I mentioned that I recently have been feeling like I don't want to get pregnant again? I was thinking we could start trying this fall, but now I am in a "not so much" kind of place. I feel like Michaela is so perfect and so special and so wonderful, I couldn't ever do any better. Also, she's so awesome, I want to spend all my time with her and give her all my attention. Of course, that's very selfish. The unselfish part of me says, "but what about the special bond siblings share? You want her to have that!" And I do.
Mike and I had a big fight about it, about 4 seconds after Michaela and I got home from visiting my best friend in Chicago. I told him the above, plus if we do decide to have another one, I'd ideally like to have at least a month where my body is my own. You know, where I'm not breastfeeding anyone and I'm not gestating anyone. He doesn't understand that. He told me I hated being pregnant and that he would be happy to adopt. I told him I didn't want to adopt, he asked why. I said because if we're going to have another kid, I want it to be my kid. We agreed not to talk about it for a while. Sigh.
Chicago was awesome. Michaela came down with a double ear infection. Not good. We put her on antibiotics about 4 days before we flew and it seemed to clear up the infection. She did great no the flights and we had a nice time, though she did get my friend's twin daughters sick. Oops. I guess that's life with kids.
So yeah. Things are mostly good. Except for the drama with Mike (which most of the time actually isn't drama, it's more like having a roommate), I have no complaints.
Friday, September 17, 2010
September
Somewhere along the line, I went from the mother of a baby to the mother of an infant. It's really amazing. I'm not sure how it happened. Michaela is 9 months old now and she's just the coolest kid. She's super curious about things. She loves animals. She loves the wind in her hair. She loves her grandma (my mom). Whenever we go to my mom's house, Michaela gets the HUGEST smile and always laughs. It's tremendously sweet.
And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.
She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.
Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.
And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.
We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...
Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.
Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!
Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!
I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!
That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.
(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)
And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.
She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.
Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.
And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.
We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...
Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.
Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!
Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!
I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!
That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.
(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Sleepover
Mike is out of town for 5 days (!) for his grandfather's memorial service, so I'm alone with Michaela. My mom came over yesterday to help watch her while I was working, and then stayed the night. It was a nice time, though I did get really frustrated because my mom overstimulated the baby at bedtime, which made Michaela think it was time to be awake, so she didn't go to bed until 10:30. TEN THIRTY. Ugh. But to make up for it, my mom got up with Michaela this morning and changed her and fed her and I got to sleep in and take a shower. That was pretty rad.
Right now, she's still here at my house and my dad has joined her. My parents and Michaela are all hanging out, playing. Michaela has a history of freaking out really badly around my dad, for reasons that I don't quite understand (because it used to be he was the only one who could make her laugh). But he came over, they're playing and I can hear the sound of toys and laughter and, best of all, no screaming and crying on Michaela's part. Phew! It was really hurting my dad's feelings that she reacted that way, so this is a huge win.
Last night, when my mom was changing into her nightgown, I caught a glimpse of her naked breasts. They look like mine. Or mine look like hers, I guess. I suppose that's while childbirth does to boobs. It was a bit unsettling. I'm trying to think of it as a badge of honor, though; one that we now share.
(As "Cats in the Cradle" runs through my head and I hear "my boy was just like me....")
Right now, she's still here at my house and my dad has joined her. My parents and Michaela are all hanging out, playing. Michaela has a history of freaking out really badly around my dad, for reasons that I don't quite understand (because it used to be he was the only one who could make her laugh). But he came over, they're playing and I can hear the sound of toys and laughter and, best of all, no screaming and crying on Michaela's part. Phew! It was really hurting my dad's feelings that she reacted that way, so this is a huge win.
Last night, when my mom was changing into her nightgown, I caught a glimpse of her naked breasts. They look like mine. Or mine look like hers, I guess. I suppose that's while childbirth does to boobs. It was a bit unsettling. I'm trying to think of it as a badge of honor, though; one that we now share.
(As "Cats in the Cradle" runs through my head and I hear "my boy was just like me....")
I Think I'm Ready
I'd been thinking a lot lately about when it would be time to have a second kid, and have decided-- and told Mike-- that I think we should start trying in September or October. If I got pregnant in October, Michaela would be 10 months old, plus 10 months of pregnancy, so the kids would be 20 months apart. That's a good difference. And if it takes longer than that, then it would be a bigger gap. It's weird to think about "trying" (especially since I still have no sex drive), and it's weird to think that would mean I wouldn't have a break in getting some time to myself, with only me being dependent on my body. (Because I'm still pumping, so I'm still working for Michaela, and if I went right to pregnant, my body would then be working for #2.) But it feels right, so I think that's the plan.
A Weekend Away
Mike and I left Michaela with her grandparents last weekend and headed up to Napa for the wedding of some friends. It was weird to be away, but awesome. We had a great time reconnecting. And while I missed Michaela, and really looked forward to our calls with Nana and Papa to get caught up on what was going on, I wasn't paralyzed with sadness or anything. So that was really good.
I ended up getting really, really drunk at the wedding reception. Like, throw up for the next 10 hours drunk. Ugh. I haven't been that drunk in years. When we got back to the hotel, I pumped, but pumping + drinking that much is a bad combination. Apparently I only did one breast well, so when I woke up, I was leaking milk out of my right boob. That was the first tip off. I asked Mike and he said he tried to help, but didn't really know what to do, so I was on my own. Okay, I said, I'll just pump now. I go over to where my pump is sitting and the entire floor is wet. Apparently I spilled a lot of milk. My pump is also covered in milk. There was milk in the tubes and milk inside the cover of the motor. So I cleaned that up as best I could and pumped, but man, it was ugly.
Michaela was thrilled to see us when we got back. She recently started giving giant kisses, and she just kissed each of us repeatedly for the next several hours. It feels nice to know she knows who we are and that she loves us so much.
Nana and Papa had a great time with her. They were really good, and just happy as pigs in shit to have all that time with their granddaughter. I feel lucky to have in-laws who are willing to fly here and basically serve as babysitters for the weekend (oh, and they also scrubbed our bathtub, mopped the floor, did laundry, etc.).
I ended up getting really, really drunk at the wedding reception. Like, throw up for the next 10 hours drunk. Ugh. I haven't been that drunk in years. When we got back to the hotel, I pumped, but pumping + drinking that much is a bad combination. Apparently I only did one breast well, so when I woke up, I was leaking milk out of my right boob. That was the first tip off. I asked Mike and he said he tried to help, but didn't really know what to do, so I was on my own. Okay, I said, I'll just pump now. I go over to where my pump is sitting and the entire floor is wet. Apparently I spilled a lot of milk. My pump is also covered in milk. There was milk in the tubes and milk inside the cover of the motor. So I cleaned that up as best I could and pumped, but man, it was ugly.
Michaela was thrilled to see us when we got back. She recently started giving giant kisses, and she just kissed each of us repeatedly for the next several hours. It feels nice to know she knows who we are and that she loves us so much.
Nana and Papa had a great time with her. They were really good, and just happy as pigs in shit to have all that time with their granddaughter. I feel lucky to have in-laws who are willing to fly here and basically serve as babysitters for the weekend (oh, and they also scrubbed our bathtub, mopped the floor, did laundry, etc.).
Sunday, July 25, 2010
On my mother
So 15 years ago, I heard my parents fighting. My mom was yelling at my dad and said something about "when I was selling pussy for you." Obviously that means my mom was a hooker at some point, and I'm guessing that means my dad was her pimp. It may also mean that she was trying to make money for him for something. I'm not sure. I never asked. In fact, I've spent 15 years trying to forget I heard that.
Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.
Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.
We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.
I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.
I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.
Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.
Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.
Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.
We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.
I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.
I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.
Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.
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