A funk

Every so often, I battle a bout of depression. It's almost always the same. I get sad, I don't want to do anything. I curse my friends, who all suck. Well, I'm going through that now.

In about 2 weeks, I'll celebrate my 30th birthday. Well, let me rephrase that to say that in 2 weeks, I'll turn 30. I won't celebrate my birthday. My plans had been to go on a big trip, but that's not going to happen now that I'm pregnant with Poppy (and not now that we went on our babymoon and I don't have any vacation time left). Obviously, a big raging night of drinking is out, too. Getting dressed up and going somewhere fancy is out of the question-- what on earth would I wear? I'd be really happy, actually, with a night in with my friends, but my friends are all flakes. They're dispersed all over the country, and none of them are inclined to come to San Diego for a weekend. Even the one who lives in LA, only 2 short hours away.

These are the same friends who won't be throwing me a baby shower. I talked to my best friend (I feel silly calling her that right now as I'm put out with her) and was asking her opinion of where we should register-- Babies R Us or Amazon.com-- because Mike and I haven't been able to decide. I was NOT hinting about a shower, but I did mention that I didn't think I'd have one since everyone is far away and busy, and that my mom isn't the type to throw me one. She didn't say anything indicating an interest or desire to throw me one, which is fine, except it still hurts my feelings.

I also have been very frustrated with Mike lately for a number of reasons. He's driving me crazy. I don't feel like he wants me input on baby product purchasing, he is always pestering me for sex (which I have no interest in, though that's not the fault of the pregnancy, it was pretty much that was before, too). He is always going on and on about how much he does around the house, implying that I don't do anything. And the other day, when I talk the dog to the vet, he said, "how much did that cost me?" Excuse me, but I work and contribute to our household, too, and I don't appreciate that type of statement.

Mike asked me yesterday what I want to do to celebrate our one-year wedding anniversary, which is about a week after my birthday. Again, see the paragraphs above for reasons I don't want to do anything. All I've been thinking lately is, "why don't we get divorced?"

Oh, and I suggested to him the other day that he should think about getting a fuck buddy. Fort he last week or so, I've been thinking up rules that would make me more comfortable with it. Must be STD-free. Mike must not spend any money on him/her. There will be others, I'm sure. It just seems like if we do it this way, at least I'll have some control. Without it, or without my suddenly regaining an interest in sex, it's just a matter of time until he cheats on me. So here I am-- 29 years old, less than a year into my marriage, and pregnant to boot. No wonder I'm depressed.