Poppy and Me

All the latest

2010-11-26T21:21:00.000-08:00

I feel like every time I write, I open with, "wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote." This time is different, in that I'm starting with "I feel like every time I write..." Ha ha.

So it's the end of November. We're two weeks away from Michaela being a year old. She went from a little poppy seed to a big, vibrant, happy girl. It's incredible how quickly the year has gone. Someone said to me, about being a mom, "the days are slow, but the years are fast." I totally get that. Some days, I am counting down to 7 p.m., when she usually goes to bed. Then I think about how old Michaela is and my mind is blown all over again.

So, since October, a lot has happened. We went on our cruise, which was very nice. Mike, Michaela and I cruised to Mexico with Mike's mom and stepdad. The trip was a success. I got time to relax (went to the spa, got a massage and a facial) and had a break from the day-to-day, and we all had fun. The grandparents loved spending time with Michaela. Mike and his stepdad took a ton of pictures, which they both enjoy. While on the trip, Michaela started saying "mama," "dada," and "nana."

Our cruise was over Halloween, so Michaela spent her first Halloween dressed adorably as a monkey while heading to paradise. It was very, very warm, so she only wore the costume for about 10 minutes. Nonetheless, we captured the moment with pictures, which was all I wanted.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Michaela had a blast. A total blast. Mike make turkey and all the fixings and I made Michaela a plate of them, which she got to feed herself. She crammed fistfuls of cranberry sauce, stuffing, mashed potatoes, turkey and a roll in her face while Mike and I took pictures. She loved the food and had a lot of fun.

I was less than excited about the way Thanksgiving went down from a family standpoint. We were supposed to go to the Bay Area to spend some time with Mike's grandma. Mike ended up having to work Friday night, so we couldn't drive all the way up to Nor. Cal. and then back in time for him to work. Mike dilly-dallied in letting his grandma know, which I thought was really disrespectful. I was really looking forward to spending time with her, and for her to get to see Michaela (who she hasn't seen since the baby was a month old). So that was a bummer. When we ended up having to stay home, I invited my parents over. They declined. Yup, declined. Just like last year, when I had to call and beg them to come (which they did). So lame. And hurtful.

This year's excuse was that my dad needed to wrap up his moving. Yup, he's moving into my mom's house. Finally. After six years of their living apart.

So back in October, my dad got a call from the woman who owns the house my family has rented for the last 24 years. The house I grew up in. The woman said she was having an inspector come by because she was having the house refinanced. It sounded totally sketchy, because why would you randomly have an inspector come when you haven't been to the house for 20 years? The owner literally never went there, never looked at the state of the property, never put any money into fixing anything up, never... anything. So the whole thing was very fishy. Mike and I seized the opportunity. Mike called the owner and asked her if she was thinking about selling. She stuck to the refi story. Fine. He told her if they needed money, if they were thinking about refinancing, that we (Mike and I) would be interested in buying the place. They talked for quite some time and ended the conversation with her saying we should talk again in the middle of November. We went off on our cruise and when our ship pulled back into San Diego, I called my mom, whol told me that my dad had gotten a registered letter from the owner saying she was selling the house and he had to be out in a month. WHAT?

My parents (Well, now my dad) rent(s) the house, they don't own it. It was the right of the owners to sell their house. I don't blame the owners for selling it. I blame them for the way it went down. Why did the owner lie to my dad? Why did she lie to Mike? Why not call my dad and tel him what the deal was and then follow up with a letter? Really, after renting for 24 years, the way he found out was by a certified letter? The whole thing was totally fucked up.

So my dad, who doesn't deal well with change, was pretty shell shocked. He had to work on clearing out all of his possessions-- mainly cars and car parts, which is the reason he was still living there and not at my mom's house-- and work full time and everything else. Oy. He has been making good progress, and he got a lot of his stuff moved to a storage unit. His non-car personal belongings went to my mom's house. Or should I say, to *their* house.

Now my mom is all freaked out about them moving back in together. For the last six years, all she has been talking about is wanting my dad to move in with her. I'm not sure why, since they hated living together. But now she has her wish. Now don't get me wrong. I don't blame her for being nervous, but I wish for a second, she would at least acknowledge that she's finally getting what she wants. Even though it's a case of "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it."

At any rate. My dad gave the excuse that he couldn't come to dinner at our house because he was emptying out his house in preparation for the move. So he didn't come. I talked to my brother, who has a way of offering perspective on family-related situations (that's why I'd like to give Michaela a sibling-- so Michaela has the option of talking to someone else about how crazy Mike and I are). He basically told me I need to give up on inviting them to family stuff. That all of them-- my mom and dad and bro-- love me but show it in a different way and that I need to just meet them where they are and not expect them to meet me where I am. It's good advice. It's also easier said than done.

I was really angry at my dad. He gets so hurt that Michaela cries whenever she sees him. She does that because she doesn't see him very often. Now, she surely will see him more often once my dad moves in with my mom, but for the meantime... But I invite him over, give him the chance to spend time with Michaela, and he turns it down. And it's not just this one time. This happened last year, pre-Michaela. But it also happens all the time now. I invite both of my parents over and they refuse on a regular basis. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I expect more of them than that. Even at the same time I am happy with how good they are when they're with Michaela, I wish they could just be... normal. There, I said it. Normal. Maybe there's no such thing as normal. Maybe I've watched too many sitcoms in my life. But there it is.

Well, on that note... I'm going to go pump. I've been pumping for the last 11 1/2 months. My time with my Pump in Style is drawing to an end. I'm glad, so I can have my body back, but I'm also really proud that I've managed to do so for so long. Michaela may not have been exclusively breastfed, but she had an awful lot of breast milk!

And she's doing really well. She has 8 teeth and more on the way. She laughs, she waves hi and bye, she can sort of walk behind her walker toy thing. She crawls like a mad woman and does some cruising. She is a hoot. I love her so much.

That's a good place to end. Remind me next time to write about my upcoming promotion, about Mike's work, about the $3k I won(!), and about #2.

2010-10-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

Time has gotten away from me again. I feel like I should do penance. "It has been 21 days since my last blog post." Except I'm an atheist, not Catholic.

Michaela is teething. She has 3 teeth all the way through the gums and two more that have poked through. There are lots more right behind them.

She is pulling herself up like crazy. She always wants to be standing. ALWAYS. If not standing, then moving. She can do what I call a "big girl crawl," but she's faster at army crawling, so she usually does that.

A friend of mine has a son, S., who is like a little monkey. He is two weeks older than Michaela and has been on the verge of walking for some time. I was talking to his mom today and Is aid something about having some time before Michaela walks and she was like, "oh yeah, you have lots of time." She didn't mean it in a mean way, but my competitive hackles were raised. I know babies do things on their own schedule, but dude. Then I comfort myself with the knowledge that Michaela has more teeth than S.

So tomorrow will be the last day I take the pill. I'm going to go off it and we'll start using condoms when we have sex. Which continues to be practically never. I have no interest in sex. As I've expressed her, I'm not sure how much of that is hormonal and how much of it is my connection with Mike. He got really mad at me yesterday and just totally blew up. Now that he's gotten it out, it's better, but whenever that happens, it always puts me on a path of thinking, "hmm, do I want to stay married? Should we get divorced? What's best for Michaela?"

My job is going very well. I have this nagging sensation that when my boss is out on maternity leave, I'm not going to get promoted to fill her spot. My prediction is that I'll get some sort of temporary promotion-- VP of Communications, maybe (instead of SVP) and a small raise. I think I'll probably take on a lot of her work, but not the management part of it, and if I had to guess, I'd say I'd start reporting to the chief of staff. So we'll see.

One of my coworkers, who I've become really close to, goes out on maternity leave next Wednesday. I'm really going to miss her. And not only because I'm totally freaked out about how much of her work I'm going to have to pick up while she's gone.

Both of our apartments are rented out. Hopefully it will stay that way. One of our tenants is in the Navy. He's a low-level grunt and he was only allowed to live off-ship because he was married. Now he and his wife are getting divorced and it's only a matter of time before the Navy figures that out. He's supposed to ship out to the Middle East in about a month. I'm hoping she will get shipped out and they won't make him move out until he's back (7 months later). That'd mean no tenant (yeah, quiet! plus, we could do some renovations in there which would make the place more marketable next time it goes on the market) but rent money, and then we'd be looking to rent it out during a good time to advertise vacancies. Fingers crossed!

Michaela's daycare is going well. It's not like she can talk about it, but I trust the provider and know she's in good hands. That's a big relief. The provider has another day open, so Mike and I need to talk about if we want to take it and have Michaela go to daycare three days a week. I happen to feel like that would be good, but Mike doesn't seem to. (What shock, we disagree on something.)

My mom is doing okay. She's been really tired lately. Not sure why. And of course she won't go to the doctor. I haven't heard anything about how her social security disability case is coming. Don't know if that means they denied her or if there hasn't been word, or what. She's not a very active participant, so whenever I suggest she call her attorney to find out what the fuck is going on, she blows me off.

Have I mentioned that I recently have been feeling like I don't want to get pregnant again? I was thinking we could start trying this fall, but now I am in a "not so much" kind of place. I feel like Michaela is so perfect and so special and so wonderful, I couldn't ever do any better. Also, she's so awesome, I want to spend all my time with her and give her all my attention. Of course, that's very selfish. The unselfish part of me says, "but what about the special bond siblings share? You want her to have that!" And I do.

Mike and I had a big fight about it, about 4 seconds after Michaela and I got home from visiting my best friend in Chicago. I told him the above, plus if we do decide to have another one, I'd ideally like to have at least a month where my body is my own. You know, where I'm not breastfeeding anyone and I'm not gestating anyone. He doesn't understand that. He told me I hated being pregnant and that he would be happy to adopt. I told him I didn't want to adopt, he asked why. I said because if we're going to have another kid, I want it to be my kid. We agreed not to talk about it for a while. Sigh.

Chicago was awesome. Michaela came down with a double ear infection. Not good. We put her on antibiotics about 4 days before we flew and it seemed to clear up the infection. She did great no the flights and we had a nice time, though she did get my friend's twin daughters sick. Oops. I guess that's life with kids.

So yeah. Things are mostly good. Except for the drama with Mike (which most of the time actually isn't drama, it's more like having a roommate), I have no complaints.

September

2010-09-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the line, I went from the mother of a baby to the mother of an infant. It's really amazing. I'm not sure how it happened. Michaela is 9 months old now and she's just the coolest kid. She's super curious about things. She loves animals. She loves the wind in her hair. She loves her grandma (my mom). Whenever we go to my mom's house, Michaela gets the HUGEST smile and always laughs. It's tremendously sweet.

And she's pulling herself up now. I put a magazine on our bar-height chair and next thing I knew, Michaela's army crawled over to the chair, pulled herself up, pulled the magazine off the chair, laid back down on the floor, and begun playing with the magazine. She loves the crinkly sound the paper makes.

She likes to pull herself up on people, too. And the daycare lady says that she's starting to figure out the toys there, and which ones make noise.

Meanwhile, Michaela aside, I'm doing well, too. Work is going great. I really like my job, though it sometimes feels like a bit much. Most of the time, it doesn't. And that's pretty cool. I relish the flexibility of my job. I can take time off in the middle of the day to do fun stuff, or work in my bathrobe all day, or work from Starbucks. That rocks. My boss is pregnant and she's asked me if I would be okay with her floating the idea to our CEO of my taking over for her while she's out on leave. She says she thinks I'd do a great job and that she talked to the Chief of Staff, who also thinks I'd be great at it. That would mean I'd be "acting senior vice president" and get a temporary pay raise. Lord knows the money would be fabulous to have. That would help us build up our new house down payment fund even quicker.

And that has become an increasing priority for me. I love our house. LOVE IT. But the schools that are near us are just awful. I can't send Michaela there. We have lots of options to get her out of here, but it's more than just the school. It's also wanting to be in a neighborhood where Michaela can have friends, and where she can have more space to play. Our house now doesn't have much by way of yard. Actually, it doesn't have any yard for her to play in now, because even our backyard is dirt and native plants, not grass. But buying a house in San Diego is expensive, so we need to be diligent savers. I'm trying to buckle down and cut our food costs, because that's one place where we spend a ton of money. But other things keep coming up, like trips.

We've booked a vacation in late October/early November. We'll be taking a cruise with Michaela, and Mike's mom and stepdad. Should be fun. We've actually done this cruise before, but on a different ship. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a baby on board...

Monday is our two year wedding anniversary. Time has flown by. On the one hand, it feels like we've been married forever. We've been together 6 years now, and in our house for 3. On the other hand, it feels like we just got married. And here we are with a 9 month old. Crazy.

Being a mom is awesome. I love it. I'm so glad, because I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. Mike is totally ready for #2. I'm not. I would like to have a little bit of time to myself, body-wise. That is to say, I'm still pumping for Michaela. So my body isn't my own right now. And if I get pregnant, I'll be hosting that child and then having to pump again. That could mean 3 years straight of having someone else dependent upon my body. All I'm asking for is a month or two to be... alone. Alone isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.

The other thing that is sort of interesting is that lately I've been on the fence about having a second baby. I love Michaela so much. I'm not sure another baby would be as perfect as she is. I'm not sure I want to share her with anyone else. I'm not sure I want to share myself with anyone else. I don't worry I wouldn't love #2, because I know I would, I just feel a little sad when I think about Michaela not being the center of our lives anymore. Although it's probably good for her to not be the only one, and I have always thought it is important to have 2 kids so they can have shared experiences and family once Mike and I pass on. So I don't know. Never thought I'd feel this way. I guess that's motherhood for ya!

Next week, Michaela and I are flying to Chicago to see my best friend. She had twins a few months ago. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet them, and it'll be the 2nd time BFF has gotten to see Michaela. I am super excited to meet her girls and to get to see her and to hang out and spend time in Chicago. It's going to be weird to be together as moms. Our routine used to be getting together and drinking and going clubbing. Or dorking out and playing board games. But now we're going to be pumping and changing diapers and all that jazz. So different!

I'm a little nervous because Michaela and I are going by ourselves. So I'll have to make it through the airport and through the flight (which has a stop in the middle, though we don't change planes) by myself with the baby. I'm going to wear her, though, and take an umbrella stroller, I think, so that should help from a schlepping things around perspective. Also, Michaela apparently has an ear infection (her first, though that's not the type of first I want to celebrate). The doctor said it is a minor one, and that as long as she doesn't spike a fever, it should go away by itself, but I'm concerned about how it will react with the up and down altitude change and pressurization of the plane ride. I emailed the pediatrician and she suggested we come back in to get it looked at now that it's been about a week, so we go in on Monday. Worse case, she can't fly and I need to stay home (Mike is going to Denver to get an award from his alma mater and to speak on a panel there). 2nd worst case, Michaela needs to go on antibiotics. If that's the case, hopefully her starting them on Monday will make it okay for her to fly on Thursday. I could definitely live with that. Best case, the infection is fine and we can go and there's nothing to worry about. Here's hoping!

That's about it for now. As always, I'm going to try to be better about writing. I always think to myself, "oh, that would be good to blog about!" and then get distracted and don't.

(A great example of that is that we sleep trained Michaela. Sort of. So now she's mostly going to bed without a big elaborate ritual that involves us holding her until she's asleep. She went through this period where she didn't want me to put her to bed, only her dad. And it happened at a time when Mike was working in the evenings a lot. So finally I let her cry it out a couple of nights. And then she managed to get herself down, except in certain circumstances, like when she's overtired. Tonight, she started getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, I put her in her crib, she cried a tiny bit and then hummed herself to sleep. Woo hoo!)

Sleepover

2010-08-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

Mike is out of town for 5 days (!) for his grandfather's memorial service, so I'm alone with Michaela. My mom came over yesterday to help watch her while I was working, and then stayed the night. It was a nice time, though I did get really frustrated because my mom overstimulated the baby at bedtime, which made Michaela think it was time to be awake, so she didn't go to bed until 10:30. TEN THIRTY. Ugh. But to make up for it, my mom got up with Michaela this morning and changed her and fed her and I got to sleep in and take a shower. That was pretty rad.

Right now, she's still here at my house and my dad has joined her. My parents and Michaela are all hanging out, playing. Michaela has a history of freaking out really badly around my dad, for reasons that I don't quite understand (because it used to be he was the only one who could make her laugh). But he came over, they're playing and I can hear the sound of toys and laughter and, best of all, no screaming and crying on Michaela's part. Phew! It was really hurting my dad's feelings that she reacted that way, so this is a huge win.

Last night, when my mom was changing into her nightgown, I caught a glimpse of her naked breasts. They look like mine. Or mine look like hers, I guess. I suppose that's while childbirth does to boobs. It was a bit unsettling. I'm trying to think of it as a badge of honor, though; one that we now share.

(As "Cats in the Cradle" runs through my head and I hear "my boy was just like me....")

I Think I'm Ready

2010-08-07T09:22:00.001-07:00

I'd been thinking a lot lately about when it would be time to have a second kid, and have decided-- and told Mike-- that I think we should start trying in September or October. If I got pregnant in October, Michaela would be 10 months old, plus 10 months of pregnancy, so the kids would be 20 months apart. That's a good difference. And if it takes longer than that, then it would be a bigger gap. It's weird to think about "trying" (especially since I still have no sex drive), and it's weird to think that would mean I wouldn't have a break in getting some time to myself, with only me being dependent on my body. (Because I'm still pumping, so I'm still working for Michaela, and if I went right to pregnant, my body would then be working for #2.) But it feels right, so I think that's the plan.

A Weekend Away

2010-08-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

Mike and I left Michaela with her grandparents last weekend and headed up to Napa for the wedding of some friends. It was weird to be away, but awesome. We had a great time reconnecting. And while I missed Michaela, and really looked forward to our calls with Nana and Papa to get caught up on what was going on, I wasn't paralyzed with sadness or anything. So that was really good.

I ended up getting really, really drunk at the wedding reception. Like, throw up for the next 10 hours drunk. Ugh. I haven't been that drunk in years. When we got back to the hotel, I pumped, but pumping + drinking that much is a bad combination. Apparently I only did one breast well, so when I woke up, I was leaking milk out of my right boob. That was the first tip off. I asked Mike and he said he tried to help, but didn't really know what to do, so I was on my own. Okay, I said, I'll just pump now. I go over to where my pump is sitting and the entire floor is wet. Apparently I spilled a lot of milk. My pump is also covered in milk. There was milk in the tubes and milk inside the cover of the motor. So I cleaned that up as best I could and pumped, but man, it was ugly.

Michaela was thrilled to see us when we got back. She recently started giving giant kisses, and she just kissed each of us repeatedly for the next several hours. It feels nice to know she knows who we are and that she loves us so much.

Nana and Papa had a great time with her. They were really good, and just happy as pigs in shit to have all that time with their granddaughter. I feel lucky to have in-laws who are willing to fly here and basically serve as babysitters for the weekend (oh, and they also scrubbed our bathtub, mopped the floor, did laundry, etc.).

On my mother

2010-07-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

So 15 years ago, I heard my parents fighting. My mom was yelling at my dad and said something about "when I was selling pussy for you." Obviously that means my mom was a hooker at some point, and I'm guessing that means my dad was her pimp. It may also mean that she was trying to make money for him for something. I'm not sure. I never asked. In fact, I've spent 15 years trying to forget I heard that.

Two weeks ago, I went with my mom to a hearing she had to see about getting Social Security Disability payments. She has liver disease-- two types of hepatitis that have led to cirrhosis (scarring of the liver). It's effects are really bad. She gets tired easily, she has bad balance, and she is slowly getting something similar to dementia. Her short-term memory has never been good, but it's getting worse, and she's seemingly losing her ability to think critically. Additionally, she has some agoraphobic tendencies. She doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't like to drive, and when she does, she has a list of places where she feels comfortable going. She doesn't like to ride in the car with me or anyone else, and she doesn't like trying new places.

Anyway. So after the hearing (which I wasn't allowed to sit in on), my mom's attorney stayed int he hearing room to talk to the judge. My mom came out and sat next to me. When the attorney came out, he said the judge had seen an arrest for prostitution on my mom's record, and was that true? I immediately wished I could disappear or melt into the floor or whatever. My mom, reflexively, answered "no." The attorney said my mom should write a letter to the judge saying that was the case.

We walked out of the office and stood int he lobby for a minute talking. When the attorney mentioned it again, my mom said, she'd "do some checking." Do some checking? DO SOME CHECKING?!?! Have yo been arrested for prostitution? Yes or no? What do you need to check? Wouldn't you remember if you'd been arrested? I made that point to her and she demurred. Finally, I said, "what, did you get picked up for it, but you're not sure if you were arrested?" And she said yes. Well then.

I came home and cried. I'm not sure why. I mean, I already knew she'd done that. And it's not like it makes her any different than she was before. It has no impact on our relationship. And it has no impact on her relationship with Michaela. As much as she drove me crazy when I was pregnant by not doing things I wanted, or by not doing things the way I wanted, my mom is a GREAT grandma. If you'd asked me how I wanted her to act once the baby was born, I would have described to you everything my mom is now doing. And in some ways, I actually think that's the problem. I sort of feel like I let my guard down-- like my mom was being who I wanted her to be-- and then I find out she's not the picture perfect grandma I thought she was.

I have been dying to ask her about it. To ask her why she did it. To ask what my dad's role in it was. To try to understand. But she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm going to respect that. Still... it's very difficult for me.

Then I think, well, it's not like I wanted to be president. So I don't have to worry about this clouding my chance of being elected. And I also think about how it must feel for my mom, who already feels like I judge her negatively, to be asked that question in front of me. And then I just feel sad.

2010-07-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

--Michaela is doing great on the food front. She's eating solids and loving them. She has had avocado, eggs, cottage cheese, oatmeal, green beans, carrots, bananas, butternut squash, watermelon, and peas. Her favorites are squash, peas, carrots and bananas. Anything sweet, basically.

--She has taken two baths in the real bath tub. She loves the water. Very unlike her mommy. Her grandma (Mike's mom) is visiting, and gave Michaela her first bath in the bath tub. Michaela splashed and screamed with joy and was really upset when it was time to get out. I was actually disappointed (though I didn't say anything), because I'd been looking forward to giving her her first bath in the tub. I almost did last week, but ended up doing something else, and just like that, the first time was gone. I did give Michaela a bath tonight, and it was nice.

--Grandma also put Michaela on the swing for the first time (another thing I was looking forward to doing). I also didn't say anything about being disappointed about that. It wouldn't have helped.

--Michaela bit the crap out of my nose the other day, and then poked me in the left eye. Later, she poked me in the right eye. Being a mom is hard!

--Mike continues to drive me crazy, off and on. But I have tried to seem excited when he wants to have sex, and when we do, it puts him in a better mood, which is good. I'm still not much in the mood for sex, but it is hurting a little bit less now, at least.

--Today I went and got a new bra. A real, non-nursing bra. It's sort of weird! 1) It feels so constricting, after wearing a nursing bra. This has underwire and a real hook and all that jazz. The nursing bra is just a cotton thing that barely holds up my boobs.

--Speaking of, my boobs are smaller (yeah!), but saggier. The density has changed. They're less full now. It's weird. So the bra I was wearing before was an H cup, and the one I bought today is a DD. Also, my ribs seem to have expanded slightly, and I'm fleshier than I was before. I stood in the fitting room today, looking at myself in only my bra, and I was disgusted. I need to do something to try to tone up some. I'm giggly and loose and flabby, and I don't like it.

--Also, as I pump less, I'm going to burn fewer calories, so all my eating is going to make me fat(ter). I don't want that!

--My boss is pregnant. I'm so happy for her! She's had a lot of issues and I'm just hoping she can keep this baby. I wish there was something I could do to make that happen, but of course there isn't.

--Speaking of new babies. When I told him my boss is pregnant, he said, "I was thinking we should get started on number two." I wanted to kill him. At the time, Michaela was fussing. Who wants to have another kid when I already have one who cries? Also, it's easy for him to say that. He's not the one who would have to carry and then push out the second kid!

--Though I do want to give Michaela a sibling. I love my brother, and our relationship, and I want her to enjoy that type of relationship, too. But I would like to have my body back to myself for just a little while. Like, to stop pumping and to be able to enjoy that for a bit before having to worry about becoming the host for another being.

--Now that Michaela is eating solids, she's having real poop. Have I mentioned I don't like cloth diapers?

--I booked tickets to go see my best friend in Chicago in September. Michaela and I are going to go and Mike is going to stay home. I'm nervous to travel on a plane without Mike, especially since Michaela will be too big to put in the Baby Bjorn. How am I going to carry her and all our stuff? Oy. I guess that's what curbside check in is for. My BFF had twin girls a few months ago, so it will be the first chance for our daughters to meet. I can't wait.

--One more complaint? Mike's mom helped us get Michaela's room ready before she was born. And she did an amazing job. The room only got done because of her help, and I am so thankful for her. But I guess she and Mike decided they wanted to do some additional painting in there and have planned to do so tomorrow. I don't want them to do anything to the room! It's perfect the way it is, and I don't think trying to do more is going to work out well. But I guess we'll see.

2010-07-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, so much time has passed. I'm still here Still alive, still blogging. I've just been busy, between work and baby and life and vacations. Quick update.

--Things with Mike have been better. I'm trying to focus more on the good things and less on the bad ones, and see if I can recapture the love I had. We had sex yesterday for the first time in probably 6 weeks. Eek. But it was nice, and he was happy.

--I had my 6-month post-partum checkup with the OB and talked to her about the physical pain I was having during sex. She did an exam and clued right in on where the pain was. My skin did something weird when growing back from the stitching, so she gave me a steroid cream to use. It gave me some other discomfort, so I didn't use it the full time I was supposed to. I probably should, though, because it still hurt (though not as much) when Mike and I had sex yesterday.

--Michaela is doing GREAT! She's enormous-- tall and heavy. She is eating solid foods now. She's has avocado, banana, green beans, butternut squash, carrots, and, as of today, cottage cheese. Banana is her favorite; green beans are her least favorite. She has two teeth now that have broken the gums. She's sitting up very well, and is so curious about the world around her.

--With her new solid food consumption, Michaela isn't drinking as much breast milk, so I don't have to pump as often. I am now not getting up in the middle of the night to pump, which is fabulous. She sleeps through the night and now I can, too!

--Work is going great. I was working really, really long days on a project for weeks, a month or two ago, but now it's calmed down and I'm back to my normal schedule.

--We went on vacation to visit Mike's family and had a blast. It was one of the best vacations I've eve had, hands down. The grandparents and uncles and aunt were excited to see Michaela, and we had a really nice week relaxing and spending time together. It's going to become an annual tradition, and I have to say, I can't wait!

--I'm looking at hiring someone to take care of the baby one day a week. My mom is going to take her on Thursdays for the next 11 weeks while Mike teaches a morning class, but I still feel like it would be good to have help another day a week so he can concentrate on his business. I need to do some research to see what questions one should ask a potential baby sitter/nanny.

--Mike's mom and stepdad are coming to visit in two weeks. His mom just retired, so she's going to stay for about 10 days. Then her hubby will come and they'll watch Michaela while Mike and I head to Northern California for a friend's wedding. Should be a nice getaway.

--My best friend lives in Chicago and had twins about 2.5 months ago. I'm going to go visit her sometime in the next couple of months. It'll just be me and Michaela, but it should be a blast. Another friend just moved there, too, so I'll also get to see her while we're out. Just need to find a date and book my tix!

--We're talking about doing a cruise in October with Mike's mom and stepdad or mom and grandma (his grandpa died a few months ago). It would be a cruise we've done before, but still, a fun trip. This year has involved a lot of travel!

--I continue to suffer form itching when I get too hot. apparently that's here to stay. When I exercise or when it's warm out, or if I stay in the hot shower too long... BAM! Itchy rash. Ugh!

--My birthday is in about two months. I've gotta decide what to do. My treat to myself may be my trip to Chicago. And that's okay. Michaela's 1st birthday is 5 months from today (I know! How is it possible my baby is 7 months old?!?) and I'm trying to decide what we should do to celebrate it. Since Mike's family is split (mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom), it's a little more awkward, and since it's so close to Christmas, there are other considerations. I'm thinking we may just do something small-- like we'll do a cake for Michaela and invite my parents and invite all of Mike's parents-- and tell any family members who live somewhere else they're welcome to join us for Christmas if they want. I don't think anyone will-- Mike's mom and stepdad will have just been out in October, and with Mike's grandpa having passed away, they won't leave his grandma; and Mike's dad and stepmom have talked about coming in February or March, so they probably wouldn't come twice in such a short period of time-- but it's nice to offer and to get it on the calendar.

That's all for now. I will try to return to my days of being good about posting. I know someday, I'll look back at this and be really happy I documented my thoughts and the things that were happening in our lives. So I just need to make the time for it!

Note to Self

2010-05-24T19:39:00.001-07:00

Two other things I want to write about soon:

Freaked out baby, frustrated mom. Separation anxiety?

Pregnant? Nope.

The Latest

2010-05-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

The weeks since I last wrote have been crazy.

Mike and I had a really rough stretch. REALLY ROUGH. Like, "oh my god, I have to get out of this relationship NOW" rough. Sometimes I get so angry. I'm not sure why I have so much anger bottled up inside me. When it happens, I just want to provoke him and I say really mean, hurtful things, intentionally, just to get a rise out of him. I just want to make him react. I'm not sure if it's a test, to see if he really loves me or what. It's sort of weird to do that when I've come to the decision that I love him but am not in love with him. Maybe it's a sign that I am in love with him. Or maybe it's just a sign that I'm a big bitch.

I have been thinking seriously about therapy. I think we should have some, but I also think I should have some. I go through periodic bouts of depression, and while I don't feel like this is one of those, I would like to get to the bottom of why I have so much anger. Where does it come from and what can I do about it?

Michaela has been great. She is going through a growth spurt, I think. She's been drinking a lot and has even awakened a couple of times each night, hungry. She doesn't usually do that. We started giving her solid food a couple of days ago. We began with avocado, which she doesn't seem to like very much. We just give her a little bit, once a day, mostly to get her used to the idea of eating real food.

I had to turn in my hospital grade pump, finally. I rented it for one month, waaaay back in December. I got an extension that took me to February, then a special one that took me to mid-March. For some reason, the final extension didn't make it into the computer, so the med device company called me, I told them to check with my doctor's office and get back to me. They didn't get back to me for a long time. Like until mid-April. We had some mis-communication then, so when all was said and done, they didn't contact me to get back the pump until mid-May. Total cost for five months of Lactina Select pump rental? $18. Yup.

I miss the pump, though. My Pump in Style is fine for on-the-go, but since I am an exclusive pumper, I definitely miss the higher powered hospital grade pump. The other thing I miss about having the Lactina is that I could keep my PIS ready for travel, because it wasn't my primary pump. Before I could just grab it and go, more or less. Now that I only have the PIS, anytime I go anywhere (like out for the day, or traveling), I have to pack it up, make sure I have everything, take it with me, bring it back, unpack it.

Speaking of traveling, I have to go away next month for three days for work. The good thing is, this time I think I will be much less agonized about it. I'm looking forward to some me time, even if I will be sharing a suite with some of my coworkers. My college roommate lives near where I'll be, so we're going to get together for dinner, which is a nice treat. I don't get to see her anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Getting to do it on my company's dime is awesome.

She and her husband are trying to get pregnant, without any luck. I feel really bad for her. Wish there was something I could do. But there isn't, except being a good friend and listening when she wants to talk. (Or in our case, since we do more emailing than phone talking, replying thoughtfully when she writes.)

My best friend, who had twins about a month ago, seems to be doing well. I am so excited to meet the babies. Not sure when that will be, given that we live 1500 miles apart. It makes me miss the good old days of college, when we all lived down the hall from each other.

Speaking of college, last weekend was my 10 year college reunion. I didn't go, because I keep in touch with the people I want to keep in touch with. Still. It's weird to think I've been out of college for TEN YEARS. Wow.

I've been out of high school even longer, obviously. But the thing about Facebook is that I feel so much closer to my high school (and junior high school) friends! I'm actually really excited for our next reunion-- which will be a 20 year reunion, in 6 more years-- because with FB, I know what they're up to, and we share stories and pictures of our kids. I know the 6 years will go by really quickly, too...

That's all for now. More soon, I hope.

Mother's Day Wrap Up

2010-05-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on Monday, the day after Mother's Day.

I had an absolutely wonderful mother's day. Mike treated me like a queen, and I even got a gift and a card from Michaela. I slept in, had breakfast and dinner served to me, took a walk and had a picnic lunch, luxuriated in a bubble bath mike drew for me. Not too shabby. My mom and brother called me and wished me a happy mother's day, as did my mother-in-law and her husband. I made cards for each of the great grandparents from Michaela, and those went over big. Everyone loved the pictures I used, and I personalized them with "Happy Mother's Day, Great Grandma X" on them.

I also reached out to many of my friends who are moms. I made brownies for several of the local moms, and delivered them with cards earlier in the week. I also left messages for other friends via Facebook.

This year, Mother's Day meant so much to me. Not only because it's my first Mother's Day and I wanted to celebrate that fact, but because it's the first time I really understood how much goes into being a mom and how much work it is. So I wanted to celebrate that with my friends and family, and honor them.

Last night, I put Michaela to bed. I fed her and sat with her in the rocker and told her all the things I love about her and how much I want for her to have a good life. I'm still overwhelmed by how much love I have for her. I love her more than everyone else in the world, and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. My whole heart swells when I think about her.

And she's growing up so fast! In two days, she'll be five months old. She's holding her head up and even sitting up by herself (when we spread her legs wide. it's more of a feat of balance than of strength, but oh well).

In fact, last Thursday, Mike called me after their sign language class and told me she'd sat up by herself for the first time. I was excited, but also really sad I wasn't there to see it. I realize I have a great set up, and I certainly am not complaining, but still. It was hard to know he was there for it, and all the other moms in the class were there for it, and I was at home working. A friend of mine reminded me that there will be lots of other firsts and that I'll get to be there for them, which is very true, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.

My mom has been working with Michaela to get her to say "mama." She is bound and determined that "mama" should be the baby's first word. Prior to mother's day, she was really working to get Michaela to try to say it for the holiday, but no such luck. Still, I was touched by the gesture.

I was also touched by the nice thing my mom said, which she also echoed in the card she gave me for Mother's Day. She said I'm a good mom and that it gives her a lot of pleasure to watch me with Michaela. It was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me. My mom was a really good mommy, so that's high praise from her.

(In fact, my mom continues to be a good mommy. She takes great care of Michaela and me, even now!)

Traveling Adventure

2010-05-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

*I wrote this 3 days ago. Couldn't post while I was on vacation.*

In my last post, I mentioned that we're in Denver. I wanted to be sure to capture the details of Michaela's first flight.

I'd been nervous, more about getting through the airport with all the stuff we had to haul than about Michaela actually flying. I was also concerned about the altitude, because traveling from sea level to the Mile High City is hard on me, and I know what to do to make the change in altitude easier. Michaela, on the other hand, doesn't, and she can't tell me what's wrong if something hurts. I did some research on the internet and I talked to the pediatrician about what to look for, and that was really all I could do.

The morning of travel started off okay. We were on time with everything-- hooray! The dog went to our friends' house, Mike called for a cab. We had a lot of stuff to carry, but we'd organized it so it made sense. Getting into the taxi, I noticed it looked like we only had 1 of our 2 suitcases with us. Mike ran back inside the house to get something else, so I assumed he'd gotten the other bag. He got into the car and I said, "did you get both bags?" He said yeah. We got to the airport, were unloading the cab's trunk, and found... that we'd left one of the bags at home. Uh huh.

Turns out Mike wasn't listening to me and just said yes, without knowing what he was saying yes to. So we had to split up. Mike and Michaela and one of our bags went into the airport to get checked in. I went back to the house with the taxi (and the crazy Russian taxi driver) and the carry ons (laptop bag, breast pump, small bag with lunch), grabbed the other bag, and back we turned, this time with the additional carry on suitcase.

Total damage? $45. The airport is about 7 miles from our house. Ouch.

So I find Mike, go through screening. Hello, why am I beeping while going through the metal detectors? Oh, I'm wearing a belt because I've lost so much weight my jeans fall off if I don't. Take that off, add it to the pile (2 laptops, plus all the carry on crap, plus my jacket and shoes). Mike has to go through the metal detector twice. Why? Because he's holding a stuffed animal for Michaela. Gotta put it on the conveyor belt.

And since I have milk for the baby, and since one of the carry ons got flagged for extra screening, there we go, off to secondary screening. Just me and the other evil doers-- an 80 year old blind guy and an older white woman. Thanks, TSA, for keeping our country safe from lactating moms and old people.

We get up to the gate and settle in. Michaela is sleeping and is doing great. I went to the bathroom to pump. (There's a lactation room, but it's in the terminal downstairs, not by the gates. Good location for it, huh?)

Get on the plane, Michaela does fine. Sleeps the whole way. Get picked up by Mike's mom, go to grandma's house for a dinner with the whole family. Everyone loves Michaela; she gets passed around from loving relative to loving relative. It was very nice.

Mike's grandma, who i should add is a VERY nice woman and who treats me very well, gave me a doll for Michaela out of her collection. Grandma collects dolls and stuffed bears and has a huge collection. Dolls of all different shapes and sizes and materials and everything else. Let me just say that the doll she gave me is black-- it has dark skin, curly/kinky hair. It's not an Aunt Jemima doll, so it's not the like doll is racist, but I definitely had a reaction when she gave it to me. I was nice, but it bothered me. All I can think about is, if Michaela had lighter skin, would she have gotten a white doll from her great grandmother?

I asked Mike if I was crazy for having a reaction and he said no, so that's good. He is full of white privilege-- so much so, that he doesn't even believe in the concept of white privilege. So for him to think it was weird makes me think even more that it was an inappropriate decision. I mean, for christ's sake, she could have given me (Michaela) a stuffed animal!

Other than that, the trip has been fairly uneventful. Mike's grandpa died about 6 weeks ago, so it's definitely different than the last time we were here or spent time with his family. But I think the presence of the baby makes a big, positive difference.

We went into the mountains and saw snow capped mountains. It actually snowed this morning, so I went out and enjoyed it. It was my first time in falling snow! Tomorrow, we're going to see some of Mike's friends-- lunch with a friend from high school and dinner with one of his college friends. I haven't met many of Mike's friends from his high school and college days, so I'm really curious to meet them.

We return home on Saturday, so I still have another airport ordeal to look forward to. Fingers crossed, it will be smooth like our trip out here.

Trying

2010-05-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

*I wrote this 3 days ago. Couldn't post while I was on vacation.*

I guess I sort of left everything hanging after my last post. I feel like the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thought was a bombshell. After I had the epiphany, it was all I could think about. All day, for days after it hit me, I was in a bit of a funk. I was brooding over it, thinking about it, turning the words around and around in my head. A few days after, Mike and Michaela and I were on our way to a local festival and I almost started crying. The weight of what I had been thinking struck me and I was SO SAD. It made me sad for the passion that has gone and sad as I contemplated my future-- and Michaela's future. And then it hit me that perhaps I could try to find a new way of loving Mike and we could build something new. Of course, it's hard for a couple to build something new when only one person knows that's what's going on, but it would kill Mike if I told him.

And so I have been trying to think back to what we had and to let that rosy glow cast a little light on today. I've wandered down memory lane and have spent a lot of time reminiscing with myself.

As I type this, we're in Denver, visiting Mike's family. I love his family and they are very good to me and to Michaela. It's been really nice to have people to take the baby, to change the baby, to feed the baby, leaving us to sleep in a little bit and to relax a little bit. In fact, being less stressed has totally made me feel more in love with Mike. I also think being surrounded by family makes me think about how much I want Michaela to have a big, happy family, and makes me want to try harder to make it so.

Mike even commented to me today that I seem much happier and that I seem to want to be around him. It's really sad that he normally feels like I don't want to be around him, and I need to hold on to this feeling as we return home.

Living a Cliche

2010-04-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

Everyone has heard the line, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It's cheesy, and it's lame. It's the classic cheesy, lame break up line. But I have been thinking about it almost nonstop for the last 24 hours.

Mike and I were fighting last night. Again. And he said to me that even when we fight, he loves me, but he feels like maybe I don't love him. That he feels like it's been like this since before we got married. I was gobsmacked. I don't want him to feel that way... But then I started thinking, and I am worried that he's right. I'm worried that I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore.

When he was gone, I missed him, but not like I've missed him before. I missed his familiar presence. I missed chatting with him and knowing what he was doing. Sort of like I miss my friends when they're not around. I used to feel a soul-sucking loss when he was gone, even if it was just overnight.

Then there's sex. Or rather, there isn't. We used to have a really active sex life and now we don't. I just don't feel much like doing it anymore, and when we do have sex, I mostly want it to be over with as soon as possible. I don't really like to kiss him much anymore-- not with tongue, anyway. I do give him pecks on the cheek or on the mouth all the time.

Of course, things change, so it's not like I expect to feel the same exact degree of passion I felt before, but I guess it's dawned on me how little passion I feel. I love Mike very much. He's a good person and he gave me a gorgeous baby. And I don't *not* want to be with him, I'm just not currently feeling like I absolutely *do* want to. I feel like I'm 80 and in one of those relationships where the passion has faded, but you have good companionship. Except Mike's not content with that, and I know I shouldn't be, either. It's not good for any of us, including Michaela.

Can I get my passion back? And if so, how?

Sleep disturbance

2010-04-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

It shouldn't be harder to have Mike here than gone, but right now, it feels like it is. Mike was gone Friday morning through last night on a trip. He was in Vegas, whooping it up with his brothers and I was home with the baby. My mom came over Friday and helped me with her, and I went to her house Monday so she could help while I was on conference calls for work, but I spent all of the nights taking care of Michaela myself.

Mike gets back last night and is pooped. Of course he is, all he did was drink and gamble and walk and party for four days. Still, he "generously" offers to get up with Michaela in the middle of the night. We put her down at about 9 p.m. At 12:30 a.m., I get up to pump. Mike is still awake. At 2:30, Michaela gets up and Mike changes and feeds her (feeds her in our bed, which I have specifically asked him not to do). At 5:30, I get up to pump again. At 7, Michaela wakes up hungry. I ask Mike to feed her and he says he's tired. I remind him that he said he'd get up with her and he says he only said he'd do it at night and that it was now morning. I asked him to do it anyway. He gets up, pops a pacifier in her mouth and comes back to bed. She proceeds to make noise and suck loudly on her hand for the next half hour, a time period in which I can't go back to sleep because all I can hear is my baby. I don't blame Michaela-- she was hungry. So at 7:30, I get up and feed her. Mike promptly goes back to sleep. It's now a little after 8 and I'm up for the day. I can't go back to sleep once I get up at this time of the morning.

I am pissed off because I have to get up multiple times a night EVERY NIGHT, whether Michaela sleeps through it or not. And I manage. I'm pissed because I know that he's tired, but he has no one to blame but himself. He got to sleep full nights of sleep, 3 nights in a row. He could have partied less hard if it was going to be so difficult for him to get up. He could have gone to bed before 1:30 last night. I am pissed off because it's chicken shit to pull the "I'm tired" card without any regard to the fact that I was the only one getting up with her while he was gone and that I have to get up multiple times a night every night. It would have been a really nice gesture on his part to suck it up and get up. Not to mention the fact that he can take a nap today during the day. I can't because I will be working.

That's what I mean when I say it should be easier when he's here than harder.

Four Month Update

2010-04-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

I try not to be too Type A, too competitive about Michaela. I know that comparing her to other babies is a recipe for disaster. And the doctor has told us that since Michaela was a month early, we should give her an extra month to do things. But I have a couple of friends who have babies around the same age as Michaela. One is a girl who is 10 days younger, the other is a boy who is 2 weeks older. Today I had lunch with the friend with the daughter and I couldn't help but compare the two babies in my head. The girl, V, has rolled over. Michaela hasn't. V can grab her feet. Michaela can't. The boy, S, is smiling a lot and cooing a lot and seems much more... developed... than Michaela.

She'll be four months old tomorrow. I am reminding myself that she is growing by leaps and bounds and that one day equals a large percentage of her life. So I need to give her time and let her grow at her own rate. Besides, there's nothing I can do about it either way.

She is cooing, she smiles. Her vision seems to be really good. Michaela is a happy baby and clearly loves us very much. And I am happy with that!

Tuesday we go to the pediatrician for her four month check up. She'll get some shots (ugh) and get measured and weighed, and we'll get the pediatrician's professional opinion on Michaela's progress. More then!

Yucky formula

2010-04-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

I hate - HATE - the way formula smells. It's so disgusting! It reminds me of those nutritional supplements, like Ensure. They're actually pretty similar. I hope I don't ever get sick such that I need nutritional supplements, because I'm not sure I'd be able to take them. Feeling like that makes me feel bad for Michaela when I give her formula. But the way she eats, I don't have much of a choice!

Sweetest Thing in the World

2010-04-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

I don't always put Michaela to bed, but sometimes I do. I put a disposable diaper on her (blasphemous in our cloth diapering household, but I'm tired of her special areas being red from diaper rash, due to sitting in a wet diaper all night) and then feed her. Michaela will suck pretty good on her bottle and then get tired. Her sucking slows and eventually she'll let me take the bottle out of her mouth. Her eyes close and I cradle her to my chest. She heaves a big sigh and then takes sweet little breaths as she falls asleep. I like to rest my head against hers, or press my lips to her soft skin, and hold her like that for a while before putting her to bed in her crib. Each time I do that, my heart fills with love and I try to make a mental movie of the moment and the feeling, because I know it won't be long. Soon enough, she'll be too big for me to hold like that, and eventually she'll get to a point where she will put herself to bed. So I savor the moment while I can.

Hoppy Easter

2010-04-05T14:21:00.001-07:00

We had the nicest Easter dinner-- Michaela's first. It was the most fun I've had at a gathering of my family (outside of my wedding, which doesn't really count) in I don't know how long. My family, as I've mentioned, is weird, but yesterday, everything just came together perfectly.

First, some background.

I don't usually talk to my grandmother because I don't care for her. If we weren't related, I would have nothing to do with her. She's very stiff and formal and judgmental. I don't think she's very nice to certain relatives (including my father, who is the best kid she has who is still living) and there have been a number of things over the years that have made me feel like she's not very nice to me. (Like skipping my wedding rehearsal dinner because she was mad my grandfather's 2nd wife would be there.) She hasn't ever been to our house, though we've lived her for two and a half years. My grandmother supports her 50+ year old son, who I dislike, letting him live in her house rent-free, buying his food, cooking his meals, washing his clothes, etc.

My dad is famous for showing up to family dinners just in time to eat, then leaving about 15 minutes after the eating is done. It's like he has a timer set.

My mother gets weird around Mike sometimes. She thinks he thinks she's weird. Which she is, but he still likes her.

My brother works in a restaurant, and holidays are always their busiest days, so he is always working and can't ever join us for meals.

Against this backdrop, we decided to have people over for Easter. I invited my grandmother, who said she wasn't sure she could come because she couldn't leave my uncle to celebrate the holiday alone. If he'd like to come, I said, he is welcome, too. She said she'd let me know. A few days later, she called me back and said she was coming. My uncle opted to stay home. Fine by me.

My brother said he'd try to stop by, but he didn't know when he'd get off or if he'd be able to make it. I encouraged him to try and told him all the other fun people who would be over and all the delicious food we'd be eating.

My parents accepted our invitation, as did Mike's best friend, who fits right into our family. So I knew we'd be at least 6 people. Mike did all the cooking-- scalloped potatoes, ham, asparagus, brussel sprouts, homemade rosemary bread-- except the dessert, which I made (pineapple upside down cake). My grandmother brought a (from scratch) lemon meringue pie, too.

Everyone gathered. The baby was sleeping at first so we made small talk and finished up the food prep. Michaela woke up and my mom and dad took her. My dad held her for a while and cooed and made sweet sounds and tickled her, which was lovely to see. Normally, I don't get to see that because he never comes over. Michaela got hungry, so my mom fed her. My grandmother and parents talked about Michaela and about how much she's growing, how cute she is, etc.

We'd just sat down to eat when my brother came in, along with his friend and roommate, who our family has known for, like, 20 years. He's practically a member of our family. Everyone was thrilled to see the two of them. It was the first time my brother had joined us for a holiday meal in ages, and the first time my grandmother has seen him in forever.

The conversation flowed and everyone laughed and ate. I felt like the baby, in particular, made a difference. People were happy to see her, happy to be around her. I feel like Michaela made everyone come together and made everyone predisposed to be in a good mood.

A few years ago, Mike and I went to his family's house for Christmas and this incident stuck with me. His cousin's two sons were riding their tricycles into the wall as fast as they could and Mike's uncle was cracking up. Mike and his cousin remarked that when they were kids, that wouldn't have been tolerated, and his uncle not only wouldn't have been laughing, he would have been yelling at and punishing them. But there's something about grandkids that makes stuff like that okay. I think of yesterday's dinner as the first time I've had that realization as it relates to my family.

I kvetch about my family sometimes (okay, a lot), but things like this Easter dinner make me appreciate that as weird as they are, they love us very much and we have fun together.

It's an Easter miracle!

Where'd March Go?

2010-03-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are at the end of March. My goodness. Time really does fly!

--Michaela is cooing like crazy! We have been Skype-ing with the family a lot. They all think she's adorable (and rightly so). Her little personality is really starting to come out.

--I got to see my dad interact with Michaela yesterday. He loves her so much. It really warms my heart.

--I think we're going to see if my mom would be willing to watch Michaela one day a week. It would help us out tremendously. I think she'd like to in theory, but Michaela is getting heavy and it's a little hard on my mom physically.

--Mike and I are doing okay. We had a doozy of a fight last week but are back to talking to each other after three days of silence. You might think it'd be hard to give someone the silent treatment for so long when you live together and both work at home, but we are very stubborn people.

--I've started training for a 5k. Have I mentioned that here? I'm not one to run, but so far, it's going okay. A friend is doing it with me and we are enjoying it. Or I am, at least.

--I am feeling less resentful of pumping. It depends on the day, of course. But Michaela is only 2 weeks away from being 4 months, and I figure that means I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal.

--We're talking about implementing a serious budget starting in April. I'd like to go back to saving, if only so we can think about moving to the suburbs where Michaela would be able to be friends with kids who speak English, to have a yard, to go to a good school, etc. Funny how things change when you have a kid.

--Michaela is sleeping pretty well. She's not sleeping through the night every night, but she is going for long stretches pretty regularly. Last night, she slept 12 hours (very unlike her), though I had to get up twice to pump. Still, I'll take it!

I constantly think of things I want to write about, but then I don't get to it and when I sit down to write updates like these, I can't think of half the things I wanted to write. I'll have to start jotting down notes to myself.

Sandwich

2010-03-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of serious stuff on my mind, especially today. My brother called me today saying he'd gotten a call from my mom that was dad was feeling really unwell. My dad is a dynamo, always is full of energy, even at 62. Apparently he was out at a friend's house when he started feeling really dizzy and like he was going to pass out. He sat down, drank some water, had some fruit, but continued to feel unwell. He made it back home and called my mom, who sent my brother to help in case my dad needed to be carried.

(Side note: my parents don't live together. They're still married, but they live apart. Two houses, about 1.5 miles from each other.)

My brother checked on my dad, who went to lay down, and then called me. I only live about a mile (probably less, actually) from my dad, so I went over. I didn't know how long I'd be there, or if my mom would come (because she is strange, and because even if she did come, she doesn't drive on the freeway and the circuitous route she takes can mean a half hour to get to my dad's house, and because she doesn't have a cell phone, so I can't reach her if she's not home), so I brought a book. I talked to my dad, found out what happened, told him I'd stick around to check on him. Got out my book, read for a few minutes before my mom showed up. She sent me back home to get my blood pressure cuff. My dad has high blood pressure and is on meds, so one of our thoughts was that maybe he had a sudden drop in blood pressure (or blood sugar, though he's not a diabetic as far as we know). His blood pressure was high, which was worrisome to me since he is on meds. He was cold, he was lethargic, and he seemed to be having a hard time paying attention. We let him rest some more and checked on him and his blood pressure again. It was better, but still high.

I suggested to him, and to my mom, that we take him to the doctor. He has health insurance, so there's no reason not to go. Except that he's a man and hates going to the doctor. He said no. My mom thought he should go, but she asked him if he wanted to and he declined. After a little bit of that, I made an executive decision that he really needed to go. I called the nurse line and talked to a nurse who asked me questions and then asked to talk to my dad. If I hadn't had the nurse on the phone already, he never would have agreed to talk to a nurse, but I just handed my dad the phone and said, "here, the nurse wants to ask you some questions." The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "I feel fine!" I left the room so my dad would feel more comfortable giving honest answers and came back in when I heard my dad say, no he would prefer to go in tomorrow. I took the phone at that point and set up an appointment for about an hour later. Sorry, Dad, you don't have a choice.

We took a family field trip to urgent care. I drove my parents. My brother met us there. It was like a jolly old field trip. Actually, it wasn't, but my mom sort of treated it that way. She and my dad went in together to see the doctor, who ordered a bunch of tests but let him go home. They're looking at several things, including the possibility of diabetes, which as an older African American man who eats like crap (taco shop 4 times a week, plus lunch meat, hot dogs, canned chili, and other things that are incredibly high in sodium), is a good possibility.

On the way home, I tried talking to them both about making better choices. My mom lives on cigarettes and Pepsi. My dad on the aforementioned foods and sugary drinks like soda and iced tea. They basically told me they're too set in their ways, that they like to eat what they like to eat, and that everyone is going to die, so why worry about it? My dad bragged about the only vegetables he eats being (iceberg) lettuce and tomatoes, and said that if he can't eat what he likes, what's the point of eating? I told him that if he ate better, he could possibly not have to take blood pressure medication anymore, and I pointed out to both of them that they could live a long time, could possibly avoid dying of some awful thing (this is especially true in my mom's case. 40+ years of cigarette smoking seems like begging for cancer), and could stick around long enough to see Michaela grow up. And they totally blew me off.

I guess today is the first time it hit me that since I've had Michaela, I'm officially part of "The Sandwich Generation." I'm trapped between my parents and my baby. Someday, probably soon, I will have to take care of the older and the younger generation. And in the case of my parents, it's not just health, it's also financial. The two-house situation they currently maintain isn't sustainable. My mom doesn't work and my dad doesn't make that much money. So it's stupid to be paying mortgage and rent, to pay two of all the utility bills, etc. But they won't change. Their answer when I talk to them about that is the same as their answer when I talk about health stuff: we are adults, we can do what we want. They don't care that they're in the process of screwing me over. They're too short-sighted or too proud or too blindly optimistic or too I don't know what to see that at some point, something is going to happen and I'm going to have to take care of them. Certainly my brother can't. He's a good person, but he works as a bar back, four days a week. He can hardly afford to take care of himself (because of his bad habits, which he learned/inherited from my parents. In fact, he recently declared bankruptcy at the ripe old age of 27). So it will all fall on me and on Mike, who just today said he expects my mom is going to have to move in with us at some point because of her bad financial situation.

Life in the middle of this sandwich is pretty scary. I hope not to do this to Michaela.

Friends, babies, and exercise

2010-03-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

Last night, I continued my "friends with babies" tour and hung out with another friend from college, his wife and their 7 month old daughter. (I think I wrote that last weekend, I saw another friend from college, his wife, and their 20 month old daughter.) It was really fun to get to meet this little girl, and also nice to introduce them to Michaela. It's amazing how many of my friends have kids now! It makes me feel old, in some ways, but at the same time, I feel like I'm young to have a baby. I mean, I'm not, of course, but I look at myself in the mirror and think, "I don't look like a mom!" Except I look like me, and I am a mom, so I guess I do look like a mom.

How's that for a deep thought?

I reached out to a friend from high school last night. We have a complicated history, but I was thinking yesterday about something she did for me in high school that was very kind, and it made me want to reach out to her. She is excited to meet Michaela, and even wants me to bring her by her mom's house so her mom can meet the baby, too. I am reminded how loved I am, and how loved Michaela is.

Have I mentioned that I started a training program? C25k. Couch to 5k. I ran once this week, need to do another 2 times before Monday. I guess that leaves today, Saturday, or Sunday. Oy. But it's good for me. I'm back up, weight-wise, and I don't like it. And while I know running won't get rid of the disgusting flap of skin on my belly, it would help to lose weight before I tackle situps. Maybe I should start a fitness blog. ;)

Life at home

2010-03-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

Michaela weights 17 pounds, according to our home scale. She's a big girl! Mike said his mom told him that he was always in the 95th percentile of the age group above what he was in, and it seems like Michaela is in the same boat.

She has a cold right now and is really snotty. I feel bad for her. Her nose is chapped and raw, and her nasal passages are full of phlegm. The poor thing doesn't know how to blow her nose yet, so I try to suck out what I can with the nasal bulb ("snot sucker") and wipe what comes out of her nose as I see it.

The baby is going through another growth spurt and has been eating like a hungry, hungry hippo. Thank goodness for formula supplementation!

Mike and I are doing better. He says I'm over my postpartum depression. Well, he says (sarcastically), I'd be over it if I' had it. (Since I maintain that I wasn't suffering from it.) I still am not excited about sex. It still hurts and I'm just not into it. Most of the time, if I'm in bed, I prefer to be sleeping. That doesn't go over very well around here.

But things are pretty good and I'm really enjoying being a mom. Hopefully I can expand on that soon in another post.

Reaction to breastfeeding

2010-03-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

The other night, we were at a party and a friend of a friend started to feed her 20 month old daughter. The mother is a bigger lady, was wearing a t-shirt. The daughter is old enough to walk and talk.

The daughter got hungry, so the mother pulled up her (not nursing-friendly) t-shirt, almost over her head. The daughter walked over, hopped up on her mom's lap, and latched on to the mother's nipple. The whole sight was disturbing to me, in spite of several facts:

I have been trying to work on seeing breasts as a food source, not as a sexual object, and that has been working okay. Nursing is natural. For thousands of years, breastmilk was the only food babies got. Who knows how long that went on? In the U.S., they're now recommending breastfeeding for one year, and ideally, it would be two years. I'm sure in olden times, it may have been even longer than that. That said, seeing a toddler walk up to mom and ask for milk was unsettling.

Also, because breasts are a source of food, there's nothing wrong with exposing one for feeding your kid. That said, I am unused to seeing someone just take off her top. And it was a giant breast on a giant woman. In talking to Mike, he said that was what grossed him out about it, that she should have covered up (or at least worn a nursing-friendly shirt so that she wouldn't expose her belly and breasts). I told him that we wouldn't complain if someone brought out an uncovered tray of food at a restaurant, and in the end, aren't they both about getting food to the hungry? I asked him if it would have bothered him as much if the mother was thin and cute and he said no. I don't agree with that, but I understand where he was coming from.

It has been interesting (to me) to think through my reaction to all of this.

Latest and greatest

2010-03-10T22:03:00.000-08:00

Another round up post!

Michaela has started cooing! It's so cute. She is awake a lot more and is bright eyed and bushy tailed.

She's grown a lot. She is already outgrowing some of her 3 month clothes. It turns out that Carter's clothes run small.

We have been taking a lot of walks. Well, we've walked the last three days. Monday, we walked to the dog park. Tuesday, we walked to the post office. Today, we walked to Seaport Village. It's nice for all of us to go on little trips like that, not to mention that it's good for mommy's weight loss!

I am getting tired of pumping. It's scary to think that I have 9 more months to go, if I'm going to make it a full year. My boobs are tired, I'm tired of waking up in the middle of the night. Oy!

Mike's grandpa died. We Skyped with him the day before he (unexpectedly) died, which I'm very thankful for. As much as I am sad about Mike's grandpa passing-- and I really, really am-- I am more sad that it makes me think about my parents, or Mike's parents, dying. It's also now taken on a whole new dimension, which is it makes me really sad to think about Michaela having to lose her grandparents.

The other night, we stopped by my dad's house, and it was so cute to see my dad with the baby. He just loves her SO MUCH! He was making all these silly noises and faces to make Michaela smile. We finally had to tell him we needed to leave; I swear, he could have done that all day.

Leavin' on a jet plane

2010-03-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

So I had to go to Sacramento for work, starting Monday. I knew I would have a hard time with it, given I teared up when I left the baby with Mike's mom while she was visiting, but I didn't think it would be quite as hard as it has been. This is the first time I've left Michaela for more than a few hours!

I put Michaela in her carseat, but she was sleeping and didn't wake up. I was glad, because I didn't want to wake her up and make her unhappy, but I was sad because I would have enjoyed seeing her open eyes and being able to hold her a little bit. When Mike and Michaela dropped me off at the airport, I teared up as they were going away.

I'd been really unexcited for the trip due to the packing and traveling part of it. Breastpump + cooler full of pumped milk (on the way back) + clothes for the conference + toiletries + laptop + purse + conference materials means a lot of crap to haul around. Fortunately, Mike helped me figure out a good plan and I was able to check one giant suitcase full of clothes, breastpump and empty cooler. I carried on a small suitcase with the conference materials and my purse, and my laptop bag. It was a lot to carry around, but I didn't have to deal with explaining my breastpump to TSA's lackeys, so that was good.

Got to my hotel in Sacramento, unpacked and pumped. Did some conference activities, went to a reception. Ducked out of that early, came home and pumped. Ordered room service, took a shower, watched a little tv. I also got to talk to Mike and Michaela. Mike put me on speakerphone, so Michaela could hear me. She started crying a little bit and I told him it was because she missed me. When we got off the phone, I cried more. Mike noticed, because he called me back a little bit later. Of course, when we got off the phone the second time, the same thing happened.

I went to bed about 10 p.m. and slept until about 3 a.m., when I woke up with bursting beasts. They were so full, I was leaking. The pumping is going well, though. I have somewhere between 32 and 40 ounces put away already. When I go home, it will go in the freezer and Michaela will have milk for the next time I have to go somewhere. Hopefully that will be some time from now!

This morning, I got to talk to them a little bit, but they were at Outdoor Education class so they couldn't talk long. In the afternoon, I called my mom just to say hi, and I heard Michaela in the background. Mike had dropped her off for my mom to babysit while he did some work. I'm glad he's getting a little break from being the sole caretaker; I know I'd want one.

Hopefully tonight we'll do some video chatting. I want to see my baby!

Roundup

2010-02-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I continue to do a bad job of updating this blog since Michaela was born. It's not intentional. In fact, it's rare that a day goes by that I don't think, "I'll have to blog about that!" Then I just don't quite get there.

Since it's been so long, this will be another roundup style post.

--Michaela is growing and growing and growing! She has little rolls of chub now and looks a bit like the Michelin Man (Girl).
--My father-in-law and step-mother-in-law are coming into town tomorrow. They're nice people and I really like them, so I'm looking forward to it. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the inevitable clash that will happen between Mike and his step-mom, who thinks he is "over-involved" with the baby and who thinks cloth diapers are weird.
--We're going to CO in April to visit Mike's grandparents. His grandpa was just diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, so we don't know how much time he will have left.
--I pumped in a hair salon yesterday, under my cape. Never thought I'd do that!
--Also on my list of things I never thought I'd do: use the word "vaginally" when talking to a former work associate. When I worked in PR, the place I worked was on this woman reporter's beat. We built a relationship once I left that place that I would describe as friendly, and now she's pregnant. We talked the other day and she was asking about my labor and delivery experience. The word "vagina" isn't a bad one, but it's not something I usually discuss with folks other than my husband and my doctor!
--Work is going well. I'm good at it, and my boss is thrilled to have me on board.
--Mike and I have had sex a few additional times since I last blogged. It's still painful for the most part, but I'm hoping that will get better. I let him touch my breasts for the first time since I had the baby. He said they were "different," but wouldn't tell me how they are different, which is driving me crazy. Oh, and yes, as I feared, I did start leaking milk. By the time we were done, each of us had it on us. It kind of grossed me out.
--My mom continues to make oddball comments that I know she doesn't mean to come out in a "I think you're a bad mom" way, but still somehow manage to. She is constantly going on about how she just holds Michaela all the time when she is babysitting. Finally I said to her, "you know, it's not like I put her in a box when I go home, or in the dog's crate. We hold her all the time, too, even if you only see us bring her over in the car seat."
--Speaking of my crazy parents, my mom finally came over for the first time last week, and only because I was desperate. I had to get on an important conference call for work and didn't have time to drop Michaela off, so my mom came over. She stayed for about a half hour and then went home. My dad still hasn't come by. Neither one of them lives more than 2 miles from my house.
--In fact, my mom watched Michaela for us last Saturday night while Mike and I went out to a friend's birthday dinner. My mom told my dad she'd have the baby, so he went over there and was excited that Michaela was awake. Before that, the only times he'd seen her, she'd been sleeping. I'm not sure why my dad can go over there to see the baby but can't come here, but I find it odd and obnoxious. Luckily, I don't take it personally. It's not about me, it's about how crazy they are.
--I'm getting really nervous about money. Mike's not working as much as I thought he would, and the baby is taking up way more time than he thought she would, so he's not able to actively seek out work int he way we'd anticipated. Meanwhile, we just finished a big, expensive renovation on part of our house, so we're taking money out of savings, but because Mike's not making much and we're living off only my income and income from the rental units, we're not putting anything away in savings. We're just drawing down our cash reserves. I'm not even saving anything for retirement right now. That is killing me.
--In spite of the above point, we're thinking more and more seriously about trying to move in a few years to some place that has better schools and opportunities for Michaela to be friends with neighborhood kids. That's not an option where we are now, unless the 'hood really changes and a lot of Yuppies like us move in.
--I've lost all of my pregnancy weight and then some, but my body has changed shape. My ribcage is bigger, I think, than it was before, because all my bras seem tight in the band. That sucks, because bras are expensive and I hate to have to buy new ones. But they're pretty darn important, so I will have to at some point.
--Every time I go to Target or to Costco, I end up buying stuff for Michaela. It's an addiction! The other day, it was a few $1 books from Target. Not too bad, but still, I shouldn't do that. Have I mentioned I'm worried about money?!?
--I leave in a few days for Sacramento for work. I've arranged to have a mini-fridge in my room to store my milk, and I'm taking a soft-sided cooler to store the milk in on the way home. I've been pumping... hmm, I'm not sure how many times a day... We're giving Michaela 8 ounces of formula a day, both to get her ready for having formula when I'm gone and so I can store some (frozen) milk for her to have while I'm gone. The other day, Michaela went through a period where she wanted the bottle in her mouth all day- really, for hours on end- but didn't eat hardly anything. That day, I was able to put away about 15 ounces of milk. Which is good because her appetite is definitely back now!
--Life is pretty good. I'm really enjoying being a mom, much more than I thought I would, though I sometimes get tired. Michaela is just wonderful and I'm actually at a point now where I've been thinking, "yes, I can have another one." But just one more!

Two months already

2010-02-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

It's scary how much has happened in the weeks since I last wrote. There have been a ton of things that I've said to myself, "gotta remember to blog about that," but then I don't have time or don't make it a priority. Too bad, because I know someday I'll look back on these posts and appreciate having captured my thoughts.

Briefly, here are some more.

--Went to Michaela's two-month peds appointment yesterday and the doctor said she has a heart murmur. Not what any mom wants to hear. She said it sounds innocent and it should be fine, but she referred us to the pediatric cardiologist anyway to have an echo cardiogram.

--Michaela got her first shots. I was upset, as was she, but she did great. I feel lucky she doesn't cry much. We really have a good baby.

--She's huge! The pediatrician said she never would have known Michaela was born a month early. She's in the 97% percentile on weight, 90% percentile on length, and 75% in head size, but the doctor stressed that it's all proportionate.

--Mike and I had sex last night for the first time since the baby was born. I felt like I was being ripped apart, in spite of the fact that my OB said I am all healed up. I guess it goes without saying that the sex wasn't that great for me.

--Mike and I had been fighting for weeks on end, but we seem to be in a better place now. In the thick of it, I was thinking obsessively about divorce, which friends told me would happen. But that didn't make it better.

--Work is good. I've resigned myself to having to work, so I figure I might as well make the best of it. I really like my boss and that helps, and it's nice to be at home. Actually, here's how I put it in an email a couple of weeks ago to a friend:
Being back at work sucks. Well, no, that's not fair. It's complicated. I'm trying to remind myself that this arrangement is MUCH better than my previous one in terms of what it means for my family. And that's absolutely true. This morning, I got up at 8:30, turned on my computer, and was at work. On my lunch break, I helped Mike give Michaela a bath. I'm doing laundry as I type this. All of those things are great.

On the other hand, I'm totally jealous of Mike, who will start taking Michaela to baby sign language and outdoor education classes for 0-12-month-olds next week. I'll be at my desk, working. That's really hard.

Work-wise, it's okay. I didn't ever really get my bearings before, so it's sort of like starting a new job all over again. I miss being in charge of a team (and I had a great team). This job is much more technician, in spite of my director title. But that's probably for the best, since I do want to be able to spend time with the baby without being stressed out about work.

--The baby classes are great. I have made time in my schedule to be able to go to at least one of the classes each week, and that helps me feel less jealous and less disconnected. Gotta love having a flexible schedule!

--My weight loss has plateaued. I was hoping to drop more weight, but I think I'm going to have to exercise to make that happen. Ha ha.

--I have to go to a conference in Sacramento in early March for four days. Mike and I fought about it quite a bit, because I wanted him and the baby to go along and he didn't want to, but we've decided he's not going to go. I'm actually looking forward to going and being able to sleep (even though I have to get up to pump, I won't have to do any feedings or diaper changes in the middle of the night, and I can go to bed early, I hope).

--I'll have the baby all to myself in April for a weekend. That should be interesting. And we're going to Denver to visit Mike's parents and grandparents (his grandpa was just diagnosed with cancer) later that month.

--Everything is going well. I'm really enjoying being a mom. And I love Michaela like nobody's business.

--Parents are hilarious. My mom is totally against breastfeeding. She's convinced formula is better. My favorite quote on the subject: "I know you read on the internet that breastfeeding is best, but..." As if I read it on a website that also claims Elvis is alive and living in Boca! She's also not keen on cloth diapers. But she's watched Michaela twice now and did a great job (which I never doubted), and I'm appreciative that she's willing to do it.

--Neither of my parents have been over to see the baby. If we stop by, they're happy to see her. And they always ask about her. But they haven't come over. It's really weird, even for them.

I'll end here so I can get back to work, but hope to return to a regular posting schedule soon!

Progress Report

2010-01-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

Good lord, what a tremendous amount of time has passed! So much to write about, so little time.

--These days, baby sleeps well during the day and not well at night. It sucks! She also seems to have a hard time with her digestive system, so she's always sort of grunting. It makes me feel bad for her, but I suppose that's normal for some babies...

--It's hard to know what to call the pediatrician about and what not to. The grunting, for example. I'm assuming it's normal, but what if it isn't? Should I make an appointment?

--Mike's mom and stepdad were here for a week. They just left today. Their visit had its ups and downs, but one of the highlights was Friday night. I went to bed at about 9 pm, and Mike came to bed shortly thereafter, and his parents got up with the baby all night. They did all the feedings and all the diaper changes, and Mike and I got a lot of sleep!

--Michaela is up to 11 pounds, 6 ounces. What a proud moment for me! To think that all that weight gain is due to my breast milk! It makes me feel encouraged to keep going, even though I continue to have breastfeeding issues.

Actually, breastfeeding is going fine. We went to Disneyland last week and I nursed the baby twice while we were there. I'm trying switch nursing, since Michaela falls asleep quickly on the boob and doesn't drink enough to be full (or to empty my breast). It takes about an hour to nurse her fully, but I continue to try to do it once or twice a day.

I'm also pumping, and with Mike's family in town, we were out and about a lot. I didn't take my pump with me (except to Disneyland, and I did pump once), which means I haven't been building up a supply of milk in bottles. That's frustrating, because if I don't have milk in bottles, I have to do all the feedings myself. So I'm pumping like crazy, which may or may not result in increased production. We'll see, I guess...

--I think Michaela is going through a growth spurt. She's eating really frequently, and is eating 4-5 ounces each time. That's a lot of milk! Mike's stepdad calculated that I may be feeding her up to a half gallon a day. That sort of made me feel like a cow, but it's certainly interesting to think about.

--I'm getting really bummed about having to go back to work. Mike is going to take the baby to a baby sign language class, and to an outdoor education class. I wish I could do those things with them.

--We have about a 5 day break and then Mike's grandma comes to stay with us for a week. Having guests is nice, and everyone wants to see the baby, but it throws us off our routine.

We had established a good routine of a 10 p.m. bedtime. First I'd feed Michaela, then I'd change her, then I'd read her a book, then put her in her crib and turn on her little musical mobile thing. But the last week, I wasn't able to do any of that, and I wonder if that isn't contributing to Michaela's difficulty sleeping.

--Mike and I haven't been getting along very well. We're both tired all the time, which doesn't help. I'm not looking forward to the six week postpartum mark, because that's when I can have sex again and I know he'll be all over me(literally) about that. Oy.

--Michaela is now 5 weeks old. It's gone by very quickly.

--Lots of other things I'd like to write about, but I don't have time right now. Mike is holding the baby for a half hour and I have to take advantage of that while I can!

Progress on all fronts

2010-01-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how little time I have to blog these days! Maybe that's to be expected...

Michaela is amazing. She's such a sweet baby. She hardly ever cries (unless we let her get breaking point hungry) and she is a good sleeper for the most part. She does grunt a lot, but it seems to be tied to her digestive system. It's interesting, though, because it really feels like she's quiet during the day and her grunting picks up at night. Not sure what that's all about.

Tonight I put her in her bouncer thing, which has a vibrating seat and an activity bar that lights up and plays music. The activity bar has some figures on it that move, and tonight, she followed the movement with her eyes! I am so proud. Mike was outside, so I called him to tell him to come in and see it. He immediately came in and shared my appreciation for what a genius our child is. Not bad considering she's only 3 weeks old, and that she was a month early!

She has been a lot more active lately, opening her eyes more and just having more energy in general. The pediatrician said she looks a lot less jaundiced, and we no longer have to have her bilirubin levels tested. She eats like a champ-- she is drinking probably 4 ounces of milk at a time, which is a lot-- and seems to be going through a growth spurt! When we had her weighed at the pediatrician's office, she was up to 8 lbs, 10 ounces. I was so proud!

Breastfeeding is going a lot better, though I'm still pumping and we're feeding her mostly from the bottle. I had an appointment with a lactation consultant on the 28th and it was a godsend. The consultant suggested I try a nipple shield, and it made a world of difference. Michaela still gets tired or lazy (I'm not sure which) on the boob, but it she latches on easier, stays latched on longer, and it's good for keeping her interested in the breast given all the bottle feeding we're doing. At the consultation, we weighed her before and after I fed, and she drank 2.5 ounces, so I was proud to know she's getting what she needs from me. I am a little concerned about milk volume now, though. When my milk first came in, I had an oversupply. Then I cut back on the pumping and it went way down. Now I'm trying to increase it some so I can have some extra milk on hand, but it hasn't really increased. Or it hasn't seemed to, anyway. So I'm trying to drink more water and to pump regularly, using a technique the lactation consultant showed me, and hopefully my milk will increase a bit soon. Very important, given Michaela's velociraptor appetite!

Mike and I have been doig a good job switching off, so we're both relatively rested. I actually got 7 1/2 consecutive hours of sleep the other night, which is no small feat. A friend of mine told me that she has only gotten that much sleep twice in the 10 months since her son was born. I feel very lucky that Mike has taken on so much and that he's so good at being a parent.

I was feeling really down on myself a week or so ago, because it takes me a long time to do things and because some of this hasn't come as naturally as I expected/feel like it should. By the time you hit 30 years old, you really don't do much that you're not good at anymore. For example, geometry. I suck at geometry, but I don't have to bother with it these days. So I'm really used to being good (if not great) at everything I do, and it's been hard that I have had such a learning curve for so much of this stuff. But I'm trying hard to remind myself that it's only been a few weeks and that sometimes, it takes time to learn and to improve, and that I need to go a little bit easier on myself. Mike was concerned about post-partum depression, and honestly, the thought had crossed my mind, too (after the however many consecutive day of crying multiple times during the day), but I am feeling a lot better now. Thank goodness!

In the hospital

2009-12-24T17:34:00.000-08:00

Following up on my post about induction, here's what happened to us after Michaela was born.

We spent several hours in our Labor & Delivery room, then were transported to a recovery room. Fortunately, we ended up with a room to ourselves. That had been one of my biggest worries about the process; I didn't want to have to share a tiny (tiny!) room with Mike, Michaela, another woman, her baby, and her partner. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to share, considering the constant flow of people in and out of our room. Nurses checking my vitals and my blood pressure (since I was on some heavy duty drugs), nurses checking the baby. Doctors checking me, doctors checking the baby. People to collect linens, people to drop off and pick up food trays. Multiply all of that by two and I would have died.

Anyway, so we were in the room, recovering. They'd run some tests on Michaela and eventually it came out that she was jaundiced, which is too high a level of a substance called bilirubin. Jaundice is common in kids, especially preemies, whose livers haven't developed sufficiently by the time they come out. After one night in our room with us, Michaela had to go to the nursery to be under "bili lights," which are lights that break down the bilirubin. The most important thing, the doctors and nurses said, is for the baby to be under the lights and to eat as much as possible, because the bilirubin binds to the protein and is passed in feces. Unfortunately, Michaela and I were having (and continue to have) trouble with breastfeeding. I was so upset and so stressed out, between those two things. I cried and cried and cried.

In the scheme of things, being jaundiced isn't a big deal. And considering all the problems preemies can have, it's really wonderful that was all she was dealing with. Further, we were in a hospital, surrounded by wonderful, caring nurses who really went out of their way to be good to me and to Michaela. Better that than to be at home and have something go wrote, or to have an uncaring staff.

The doctors were ready to release me after a couple of days, but Michaela needed to be under the lights for at least 24, more like 30 hours. Sunday night at about 11 p.m. she went under the bili lights (I think; it's all a blur). Monday night at 11 p.m. was 24 hours, but they left her under until about 6 a.m. on Tuesday. They took her blood every six hours to run tests; that was really hard to watch because she screamed when they pricked her and squeezed her little foot to get the blood out.

My doctors kept me admitted so I could tend to Michaela and every two-to-three hours, Mike and/or I would go down to the nursery to feed her, or bring her to the room to feed her. We'd gotten to a point where I was so stressed about he difficulty feeding that I decided to give her formula from a bottle in addition to breastfeeding, and that was a huge load off.

Tuesday morning, Michaela's bilirubin level was down enough that we could take her off the bili lights, with the knowledge that we'd have to go back to the doctor in a day and a half to have her tested again. We got to spend some time with her on Tuesday, which was the nicest thing in the world after her being so far away from us for so long. Mike went home and cleaned up a bit, brought me a change of clothes. Michaela and I took a nap together and hung out. The lactation consultant came by again and offered some more tips. It was a good day. That night, at about 9 p.m., we were released and got to bring our baby home. FINALLY!

Maternity Leave

2009-12-24T17:19:00.000-08:00

My leave is all messed up, which I've alluded to in a previous post. I was hoping it would get straightened out, and I suppose that it now has mostly been, I just don't like the way it was resolved.

The bad thing about starting a new job when you're 8 months pregnant is that you don't have any FMLA protections. The bad thing about working for a relatively small organization is that no one knows the answers to anything. We outsource our HR, so not only do I have to deal with someone on the internal company policies, but I also have to deal with someone from the HR company.

I get a 30 day maternity leave through my employer, 100% paid. It turns out it's 20 work days. That's fine, and actually pretty generous (especially considering I have only worked there for less than a month). The company starts that the day I went off work, which in my case was two days before I actually had the baby. I was disabled because of the drugs I was on, and my doctor will write me a note saying so in order to apply for Pregnancy Disability Leave, but that's a separate process run through the state-- not my employer and not the outside HR company. So that's another person/entity I have to deal with. What my company is telling me is that I need to exhaust my maternity leave first and then apply for that disability leave, which seems weird, but okay.

Unless I want to take time unpaid, I will only end up taking off 20 days of maternity leave. Except it's really less than that because I was out and in the hospital for a number of days, and have spent about a week since trying to get this all nailed down. A week of not working, that is. So at this point, I have about 11 work days off left before I have to go back to being a full-time employee.

Why not take unpaid leave time? Because of the other wrench in the works-- health insurance. When I left my last job, I had health insurance coverage through the end of November, but had to elect Cobra for December. My benefits with the new job were scheduled to kick in January 1, 2010. Except since I've been on maternity leave with no FMLA protection, I'm not considered an active employee and I will still need to work a consecutive 30 days (and then wait until the 1st of the month after those 30 days) before my benefits kick in. So not only do I have an $800 Cobra bill for me and the baby for December, but I will have to pay $850 (benefit costs go up with the new year) each month for the two of us to have coverage until my benefits kick in. At this point, because of the timing, if I finish out my 11 remaining days of maternity leave, that puts me into January, which means I need to work all of January plus however many days of February to get to 30 consecutive days, and then my benefits will kick in March 1. So $800 for December + $850 for January + $850 for March, just for me and Michaela to have coverage. Mike, meanwhile, has no health insurance because he quit his job, didn't elect Cobra, and won't have insurance until mine kicks in and he's on mine.

We have the money in savings to pay for the Cobra, and we also have the money in savings for me to take some unpaid leave, but the combination of the two would drain our savings at a really fast rate. Especially because any unpaid days I take delay my getting health insurance. So doing one prolongs the other, continuing the rapid drawing down of our savings at a time when I'm the only one working and Mike is taking time with the baby and on the renovations of our house (as opposed to actively seeking out work).

So right now, what I think I'm planning to do is to go back to work on Monday. Yup, Monday, December 28. Sixteen days after I gave birth. That way, I'll only have to do Cobra for December and January, my benefits will start February 1, and it will get my family the coverage we need soonest and with the least expense. I'm really unhappy with having to go back to work so soon, but I don't know what else I can do. I'll still have the other 11 days of leave, so after Feb. 1, I can't take those days.

Of course, I'm not sure how good of an employee I'll be when I'm on so little sleep and my mind is totally somewhere else, but I guess you go what you gotta do.

Induction

2009-12-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

I've already written about going to labor & Delivery Triage on the night of Tuesday, Dec. 8. The next day, Wednesday, Dec. 9, I spent the day at home working and then drove up to Orange County for my old job's Christmas party. I got home from that at about 10 p.m. and crashed. Apparently, Mike and I were both so tired that we slept through the alarm that was supposed to wake us in time for my 10 a.m. OB appointment, because we woke at 9:50 instead! Rushing, knowing we HAD to make the appointment because of my L&D Triage experience a couple of nights before, each of us threw on the clothes we wore the day before and hauled ass to the OB's office. No breakfast, no teeth brushing, no nothing. We also had an NST immediately after the appointment, so we knew we needed to hurry to make that on time, too.

Got to the doctor's office, checked in, were seen. My OB asked us what had been going on and I told her about the Triage visit. She looked at the info in my files, did an internal exam (pronouncing me slightly dilated and effaced), looked at the swelling in my feet (which was pretty heavy, if you ask me), and, oddly enough, checked my reflexes. She tapped my knees and my legs sprang out. I asked if that was good and she said no. Then she said she wanted to run some tests on me and to go to the lab after the appointment to have some blood drawn and to give a urine sample. She said not to leave the NST until she'd seen the test results.

We got to the hospital, which is where the NSTs are done, and did the test. Our nurse had the doctor on call in the NST lab look at the results of the blood and urine work and he said we were fine and could leave-- this time. Mike and I walked out of the office talking about how crazy it is to think about one day coming to the hospital and being told, "sorry, we're going to keep you here." We'd just gotten to the elevators when the NST nurse came running after us, calling my name and saying my OB had called just after we left and that the results weren't good and that she was going to induce.

Yup, that's right. Induce. Right then, right there. No leaving the hospital, no going home. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just go to the L&D ward and have a baby.

I was 35 weeks and 5 days along.

I was in shock. Total shock. I got scared and teary. We went to the check-in area and signed some papers and were able to convince a very nice admitting staffer to let us go get some lunch, given we hadn't had breakfast and didn't know how long anything would take. Mike wanted to go out somewhere but I said we should just go to the cafeteria and eat there, so that's what we did. While there, we made some phone calls. I called the dog sitter, who fortunately was able to come and get the dog and watch him, and Mike let his family know. I sent a text message to a few friends, but held off on telling my family because it would have been extra stress I didn't need or want.

Once lunch was done, we went back upstairs to L&D and were settled in "High Risk 1." I stripped down and they put an IV in me to run pitocin and miso-something or other to bring on labor, and magnesium sulfate, which was to ward off seizures. My OB came and explained that some of the levels associated with my liver were off, that my blood pressure was up, and that the edema in my feet and jerky reflexes were signs that I was pre-eclamptic. The mag sulfate was to warn off seizures, which is what happens when you become eclamptic.

I sent Mike home to get some stuff, giving him a list I'd made out at lunch of things I wanted/needed. Camera. Socks. "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Random stuff. It was very strange because we had no idea how long we'd be there, and I hadn't paid much attention to the "what to pack" info in any of my books because we still had a while. (Ironically, one of the things I'd planned to do during the weekend was to pack my bag.)

Thursday went by pretty slowly. At 4 p.m., I was 1 cm dilated andd 50 % effaced. I tried to sleep when I could because I knew I'd need the energy for labor. People kept coming in to take my blood pressure and vitals. At 9 p.m., I was still only 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced.

Later, like 1 a.m. (I think) Friday morning, we were moved to "L&D 10," a labor and delivery room that would be our home for the birthing process. Mike was with me and slept in a chair that sort of reclined into a bed. I was dilating and effacing very slowly. At 8 a.m. on Friday, they broke my water. I was concerned because of the velamentous cord insertion issue, but it was fine and there were no problems. The water breaking should result in stronger contractions, they said. That happened, but they still weren't very strong and I was still not moving along well.

At 6 p.m. on Friday, we were at a decision point. Should we keep going with the pitocin or do a c-section? By that point, I was on internal monitors to monitor the baby's heart rate and the strength of my contractions. The pitocin was being given at "10," the highest level they usually use, and it clearly wasn't doing much. My contractions were regular, but they weren't strong enough to be considered "active." At the same time, because of the baby's size, the OB was seeing some swelling of her head, which is sometimes a sign that the baby is too big to be pushed out vaginally. So that was another thing in favor of doing a c-section. I wanted to try to do it vaginally, but didn't want to have it get to a stress point where they'd need to do an emergency c-section. The doctor who was with us (not my OB) was amazing and really wonderful. She presented us with our options, which included upping the pitocin up to "30" if the baby would tolerate it. Mike and I decided that's what we would do, and we agreed with the doctor that we'd give it another 2-4 hours to see if that would work. Every 1/2 hour, they would bump up the amount of pitocin. Eventually, I got up to 4 cm dilated and we called in the nurse anesthetist to give me an epidural

The epidural was a godsend. It made everything so much easier (though Mike's use of the breathing technique we learned in childbirth class was nice, it wasn't as nice as the epidural!). The drugs had worked and I was definitely in active labor and was feeling the contractions, which were pretty intense. It was a relief to feel numb except for some pressure, and to be able to push a button for additional pain blocking power every 10 minutes as needed.

(Side note: scariest experience during labor came just before the epidural was done. The baby's heartbeat dived and everyone sprang into action. I've never seen people move so fast. They demanded I roll over onto my side and started doing something or other. In a weird twist, I was so out of it because of the mag sulfate-- which induces stupor in most people-- that I wasn't even fully aware of what was happening and couldn't understand why all of a sudden everyone was yelling at me to get on my side. As it turns out, they weren't sure if the baby's heartbeat really did take a dive or if it was a monitor issue or what. But it was pretty freaky.)

Finally they did another check and I was 8 cm dilated, 100% effaced. It felt like a huge victory. That was sometime Friday night. Then, later, I felt the urge t push and told my nurse. She told me to hold off on pushing and started to get a bunch of things ready and to call the doctor and to do all these things. It felt like she was taking FOREVER. All I wanted to do was bear down. When I finally was allowed to start pushing, the nurse took one of my legs and Mike took the other. Mike did the count (1-10, signifying how long to push) and each contraction, I'd do three pushes. The first one was relatively easy and I always started off strong. The next two were progressively harder to exhale for 10 seconds apiece and to push for 10 seconds apiece. The contractions were about every three minutes, and I pushed for about 1 hr, 45 minutes.

During the pushing, they would tell me, "oh, we can see the head!" or "she has lots of hair!" and things like that. They asked if I wanted to see the head and I said no, and they asked if I wanted to watch the baby crown and I said no. I pushed and pushed and pushed. When her head came out, I could definitely feel A LOT of pressure and knew it was coming out. The OB was there then (the 4th of our nearly two-day labor experience) and he had his hands inside of me as well. Thank God for the epidural. Once the head was out, then came the rest of the body, and at 12:17 a.m. on Dec. 12, 2009, Michaela was born.

(Because she was born on Saturday morning, she made it to 36 weeks. Still 1-4 weeks from "full term," though.)

I couldn't see it, but Mike said it was amazing to watch. I found it really fascinating and cool that my body just knew what to do.

The nurse took the baby to a different part of the room to administer the APGAR test and all of that and Mike stayed with me for a minute before going to be with the baby. In the meantime, the placenta didn't come out in one piece, so the doctor had to manually sweep my uterus to get it all out. It's really important that the entire placenta be delivered (or removed) because it signals your body that the baby has come and leads to all sorts of metabolic and hormonal processes for mom and baby. The OB also stitched me up because I tore as the baby was coming out. That was NOT pleasant and I hit the extra pain medicine button multiple times during each of those procedures.

Once the baby was done being checked out-- and I have no idea how long that took-- they brought her over to me and I got to hold her on my chest. She was so amazing. Not small at all, in spite of being premature. She weighed 7 pounds, 8.3 ounces (which makes me wonder how big she would have been if she'd stayed in another month) and was 20 inches long. She has a head of dark, soft, beautiful hair and sort of slate-blue eyes. Her feet and toes are long, and her hands are tiny.

People cleared out and then it was just us and the nurse. I can't remember where the baby was after that. Things were such a blur. We were in the room for a few hours before being moved to a room in "Four North," the high-risk L&D recovery unit. Fortunately, we had our own room. This was huge because one of the things I was dreading about Kaiser was having to share a room with another woman and her partner and their baby plus Mike and my baby. It became even more important later, because we ended up having to stay in the hospital a long time. (More on that in another post.)

I'm sure there's more, but this is all I can remember right now. Funny how a doctor's appointment turned into having our little one.

Stream of Consciousness, Part 2

2009-12-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

--I just had the most successful breastfeeding session with Michaela ever. She fed for 45 minutes. Normally, getting to 15 is a challenge, and it's more like, "I've been trying to get her to latch and to stay on for 15 minutes." This time is was, "okay, she's on and she's sucking with occasional slight pauses, but holy cow, she's really going!" It was awesome.

--Mike is a great dad, but he's terrible at getting up in the middle of the night. And he never moves as quickly as I want, which is frustrating, especially when I'm short on sleep.

--I woke up last night with my bra and sheets soaked. Totally soaked. The pads didn't help. I wonder if it's because I have really big nipples? The lactation consultant said I had two nipples that became one, so I need larger flanges for the breast pump. Seems like it'd make sense, then, that I'd probably need larger pads, though they don't come in different sizes.

--I have already lost 23 pounds. I weighed myself last night and couldn't believe it. It had been really depressing to go to the doctor each week and see a number that is higher than Mike's, even though I know it was natural and good for the baby. But when I outweighed him by a good 10-15 pounds-- weighing in at 201 at my last appointment the day I was induced-- I wasn't feeling so hot about the number on the scale. So last night when I got on my personal scale and it was 178, I was pretty happy!

--I'm a total idiot. Michaela's cord stump fell off the other day and we couldn't find it. I wasn't convinced we should save it forever, but I at least wanted to try to find it and look at it, because I love weird shit like that. Well, we couldn't find it. Today, I took the dog outside to go to the bathroom and saw what looked like a pincher bug on his coat. I flicked it away with my fingers into some bushes, and it dawned on me about .0001 seconds after I flicked it that it wasn't a pincher bug, it was Michaela's cord stump. Oops.

Stream of Consciousness

2009-12-18T22:40:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I was induced and had the baby-- a great story I'll come back to tell in another post. In the meantime, I wanted to jot down a few thoughts so they wouldn't get lost in a fog of sleep deprivation.

--My new job. The benefits situation is all fucked up. Cobra through my old job is nearly $850/month for me and the baby. That doesn't include Mike, who is another couple of hundred bucks through his Cobra. Oy. Also, the 30-day maternity leave (since I'm not eligible for FMLA) is 30 days, not 30 work days, and so far, I've been told that it starts the day I had the baby. Given that this is December, and between this month and January, there are a lot of holidays I would normally have off anyway, I'm not thrilled about "losing" those days. My boss is pressing for an answer, though, and I am trying to be hopeful.

--Similarly, the thought of having to go back to work after only 30 days is killing me. I'm trying to remind myself, though, that even though I would have had more time off at my old job, eventually I would have had to go back and do the long commute and that would be excruciating as well.

--I'm soooooo tired. But sort of not tired. I don't think this is sustainable and I'll crash at some point, but right now, I'm tired but manage to keep it up throughout the day and then to get up multiple times at night.

--The baby is adorable. I'm in love with her like I've never loved anything or anyone else before. The love I have for her is totally different than my love for Mike. She has had some issues with jaundice, since she's technically a preemie (born at 36 weeks, not 37 or 40), and seeing her under the bili lights and having to get her heel stuck for blood tests every day is killing me. I know she will be okay, and it's good to get this taken care of, but it's so hard!

--Speaking of hard: breastfeeding. My goodness. The frustration was incredible. I cried and cried and cried the first several days, due to the breastfeeding situation and the jaundice situation. One night in the beginning, when I was in the newborn nursery-- I had to go there every 2-3 hours to take her off the bili light machine so I could feed Michaela-- I just said, "fuck it" and gave her a bottle with formula in it rather than continue to struggle to breastfeed her. It was a watershed moment. I felt so relieved, like all of the pressure was off me. I could give my baby what she needed, even if it didn't come from my boobs, and that's what was most important. The next day a really great lactation consultant came to my room and worked with me and I had more success, though it's still slow going. Michaela (that's how we ended up spelling it, which is another funny story) latches on but gets really tired and doesn't like to suck for very long. Not good when you need a lot of protein to bind to the bilirubin to make your jaundice go away. So we were supplementing her with formula, first out of a tube and syringe (so painful) and later (now) breast milk out of a bottle.

--I always sort of wondered how I'd know things like, how will I know when/how to push and how will I know if my milk came in. The labor front was amazing, my body did what it was meant to do. I got to a certain point where I felt all this pressure and said to Mike and the nurse, "I have to start pushing." And I did. On the milk front, it's very clear my milk is in because I'm like a Holstein cow! I have so much milk! My plan is that if breastfeeding doesn't work out (I have an appointment in 2 weeks with another lactation consultant, but am going to try to move that up to be sooner), I will just continue to pump and feed the baby out of a bottle. That's also nice because then Mike can do some of the middle-of-the-night feedings. :)

--Mike is, as I expected, an amazing father. He has a great touch with Michaela. When we were at the hospital, nurses would constantly tell me how impressed they were with him and how good he is with the baby. I told everyone he's the primary and I'm the secondary caregiver.

--I'm a pretty good mom, I think. I'm still a little hesitant on some things and unskilled on others (like putting the baby's clothes on, or getting her in/out of the car seat), but I will get better. And I'm not sure that anyone loves her more than I do, and that counts for something, right?

--I was in the hospital for six days. Six days. Now I'm totally confused about what date it is. I know Christmas is right around the corner, but we've decided to skip it this year. No time or energy to drag out the decorations and no interest in lugging the baby to the crowded malls to buy gifts for people which they probably won't get in time for the holidays, anyway, since so much family lives far away.

--My friends and family are awesome. They have all been so supportive, calling and texting and emailing and sending messages of love and congratulations and encouragement through Facebook. I have a core group of girl friends who have kids and they have been especially great, but it's not just other moms. Everyone has been wonderful!

--Mike and I went to lunch today at a restaurant where I went with his mom, when she was in town, about 10 days ago. I couldn't get over how crazy it is that 10 days ago, I was still pregnant, still a month away from having the baby, and his mom was here. Now, 10 days later, his mom is back in Colorado and I'm a mom. Wow.

Lots of other emotions and random tidbits to share, but I'm happy to have gotten these things out.

Labor and Delivery Triage

2009-12-08T23:47:00.000-08:00

So tonight Mike and I got to visit Labor and Delivery Triage. I hadn't felt well all day, was just a little off. I went to bed with socks on last night and when I woke up this morning, my left leg had swollen so much that the sock constricted my circulation and left a deep line. My feet look like hooves. My hands are porky. I had a slight headache (like a sinus headache), though that went away, and it was really uncomfortable to sit down all day due to pain in my left side. Later in the day, my lower back started to hurt and I started to feel a good amount of balling up in my stomach.

We went to our childbirth class tonight and I had to get up in the middle of it to go to the bathroom. All of a sudden, my stomach started hurting and I knew I had to poo. I ended up being in the bathroom so long Mike actually got up and came into the ladides' room to make sure I was okay. I was, but that sealed it for me-- time to go to L&D Triage.

Registering once we got there was easy, though we had to wait a little bit before I actually got any attention. I was taken to an exam room, put on a fetal heart rate monitor and blood pressure cuff. Took off my pants so they could do an internal exam to check my cervix. Drank some water so they could do a urine test to look at protein and sugar in my pee, plus check for a urinary tract infection.

It turns out I was having contractions about every 10 minutes. My blood pressure looked pretty good-- higher than during the NSTs, but low for me-- and the baby's heart was doing fine. My cervix is soft, the doctor said, but still high; she also said I will probably deliver early, though she wouldn't commit to how early. She said to think of what I was feeling today as my baseline; anything more than this means I'm getting closer to popping.

It was good practice to go tonight and to get to know what to expect. Mike was fabulous, as expected. He's going to be a great dad. So now we just wait and see when Poppy wants to make her appearance in the world.

New things to worry about

2009-12-02T21:07:00.000-08:00

So I went in for my 1st non-stress test (NST) the other day. I actually found the test very relaxing. I laid there, they had monitors on the baby's heart and on my blood pressure, and they fed me ice chips to get the baby to move around. Mike went with me, which was nice, and they did another (though low-tech) ultrasound to check the fluid around the baby.

The nurse had a little card with my info on it, including the reason for my being there. As far as I knew going in, I am having 2 NSTs/week because of my high blood pressure. Imagine my surprise, then, to see "velamentous insertion" written on the card next to hypertension. I remembered one of the ultrasound techs saying something about the cord being attached on the side, but the tech didn't make a big deal out of it and my OB didn't make a big deal out of it, so it didn't really occur to me to be worried about it. That is, not until I got home and googled the condition.

Here's what I found: In velamentous insertion, the cord is not connected to the placental plate, and its vessels travel between the membranes before attaching eccentrically to the placenta. It happens in 1.1% in singleton pregnancies and 8.7% of twins.
Associated anomalies are found in 5.9-8.5% of cases. These include:

* Esophageal atresia.
* Obstructive uropathies.
* Congenital hip dislocation.
* Asymmetrical head shape.
* Spina bifida.
* Ventricular septal defects.
* Single umbilical artery.
* Bilobate placenta.
* Trisomy 21.

Yes, lots of good things. I immediately freaked out and sent a note to my doctor. I acknowledged in the note that I would image the genetic screening I went through would have identified some of those issues (like the trisomy 21) and that the monitoring with ultrasounds would have identified others (like asymmetrical head shape), but that I was concerned nonetheless and did I need to be? She wrote back that it's actually a common problem that doesn't generally cause issues and that the previous testing would have caught things. She said that the biggest issue with the condition is the baby not growing well, which obviously isn't a problem with my ginmormous Poppy. Her closing line? "Try not to worry."

Ah, yes. Try not to worry. Easier said than done.

I will say, though, that it's too late to do anything (as in terminate the pregnancy) if the baby did have some sort of problem and all I can do at this point is move forward. She has a strong heartbeat, has been kicking like crazy, looks fine (but big) on the ultrasounds. I have to hope things are fine. And soon enough, I'll find out for sure.

The other interesting thing that came out of my NST is that apparently I'm having a lot of contractions. The nurse said my uterus is "very active" and when another, different nurse saw the results of my monitoring, she commented on the contractions, too. They said if I feel 4+ contractions in an hour or the baby balling up or anything, that I need to go to Labor and Delivery triage immediately. That, of course, brought me right back to my concern about not knowing what exactly a contraction feels like. I've been thinking I'm having Braxton Hicks (and maybe this proves that I am?), but I'm not quite sure. So when I go in tomorrow, I am going to try to ask some more specific questions about what I should be feeling for. My plan up until this point has been unless something hurts or is incredibly, super uncomfortable, to assume I'm fine and not worry about it. Seems like that worked for most of human history, so it must be okay now, too, right?

Happy Turkey Day

2009-11-26T14:06:00.000-08:00

Mike and I have a lot to be thankful for, in general, and even more so this year. We're thankful that we have great friends and wonderful, supportive families. We're thankful that each of us has been able to find work that is fulfilling and relatively family-friends. We're thankful that we are in good health and that those we love are, too. And, of course, we're thankful for the exciting journey to parenthood we're on. It's very exciting to think that at this time next year, our family will be bigger by one and that our hopefully healthy and happy little girl will get to celebrate her first Turkey Day with us.

I haven't been feeling too well today. Woke up at about 9 and cleaned off and on for about two hours. Then I was bushed. My back hurts a little bit, my hands and feet are a little swollen, and my joints feel very stiff. I can see how it gets harder and harder as you get closer and closer to 40 weeks.

But today is a day to focus on what we have and what we're thankful for, and I'm trying to concentrate on all the wonderful elements of my life that are way more important than some little aches and pains. Happy Thanksgiving!

Pooped

2009-11-25T19:28:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been feeling really fatigued again. I go to bed but have a hard time sleeping, then finally fall asleep (getting up a few times each night to pee). When it's time to wake up in the morning, I feel pooped, and by the end of the day, all I want to do is lay in bed. Walking around or doing any sort of activity-- sometimes even just standing for a few minutes-- tires me out to no end. I don't like it. I've been taking my prenatal vitamins, so I'm not sure what it might be. Have a doctor's appointment on Friday, so I'll ask my OB then.

One thing I've definitely decided is that if I had this to do again, I would start exercising at the beginning of pregnancy. I think building up my stamina and developing my lung capacity and muscles would be really helpful in carrying a child. I guess that's a lesson for next time (if there is a next time, that is).

Still here

2009-11-23T19:44:00.000-08:00

I'm still here, it's just that nothing too exciting is going on. Work is good, and I'm so happy to not have to drive so far every day. I 'm feeling okay (except for the awful rash I break out in when I get too hot-- ugh) and the baby is moving as usual. My blood pressure is a little high, but not too high. We picked up a crib the other day from some friends who kindly gave us theirs. The baby's room is on on the verge of being on the verge of ready to be painted. Mike is working hard on the renovations in the rest of the house. So things are good!

How do I hold this thing?

2009-11-19T08:31:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, a friend of Mike's stopped by. She has a 6-month old daughter and very kindly gave us a bunch of stuff (seriously, a lot, including two swings a co-sleeper thing, a breast pump, etc.). Mike needed to show her something in the garage, so the friend asked if I wanted to hold her daughter.

The thing about it is, is that I haven't really ever been around babies. I don't really know how to hold them and I'm always really nervous because I would have to drop the baby or hurt it in some way. I know I'll be okay when it's my own baby (the whole "you break it, you buy it" thing; well, I already own the baby), but when it's someone else's, I just feel weird. I was holding the baby fine, sitting in my glider and rocking her a little bit, but when the mom came back in and I needed to hand the baby over, I didn't know where to hold the baby that the mom could still grab her. I had the baby under her arms, but that's where I would grab the baby if I were taking her from someone, so it was awkward to me. The mom just grabbed the baby like a football and got her all settled away, but I was embarrassed. It was clear I had no idea what I'm doing-- Mike commented on it afterward, and I'm sure the mom noticed.

I am giving myself permission to be awkward and to be embarrassed because my baby isn't here yet and I know I have a lot to learn. But I'm really counting on my maternal instinct kick in soon!

Reflecting on showers

2009-11-15T12:47:00.000-08:00

Friday was my last day at work. Thursday, the people there threw me a shower. I was totally surprised and absolutely blown away by their generosity. Poppy came out of the shower with A TON of clothes and with some blankets, toys, bath products, etc. It was really amazing. I'm going to miss that place (and those people) very much, but I'm excited to not have to do the drive anymore and to start settling into the new routine.

Went to a baby shower yesterday for a friend I've known since junior high. It was lovely. Wonderful decorations and food and company. It made me excited for my shower (which is coming up!), but also allowed me to reflect on how cool it is that my kid and her kids (she's having twins) are going to be friends. My parents don't have couple friends, and even individually, neither of them had friends from longstanding relationships like that, so I never got to have "play cousins" or whatever you want to call them.

I am feeling surprisingly calm about the birthing process itself, and mainly full of excitement about the time that Poppy is actually here and all of the great things that are ahead of us.

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back....

2009-11-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

No, not really. I just want MY ribs to feel better! They still hurt, especially my right side. The pain was excruciating this Sunday. I woke up and felt okay, but think I hopped out of bed too quickly and tweaked something, because for the rest of the day, I was in agony. I noticed today they're feeling a lot better than they were, though there are still some twinges of pain.

When I was at the OB this morning, I asked about the pain and she said (as I thought), it was just residual muscle strain from when I had the flu. She said the things we'd normally do to make it better-- Advil, Motrin, etc.-- are off limits because of the pregnancy, and basically, I need to grin and bear it. Which I have been doing as best I can.

In other news, my fundus is measuring 31-32 weeks, so she's sticking with her "the baby is big, we're not changing your EDD" policy. Also, I got my H1N1 vaccine today. Anything to keep from getting another round of the flu! (And never mind how much worse it would be if I picked up swine flu somewhere!). The baby is not, as I feared, transverse; she's head down. Thank goodness for that.

The big mass I've been feeling on the right side, under my (painful) ribs is the baby's rump. Good to know.

I am at a point now where I need to go in for appointments every 2 weeks, and, on top of that, I will start going in for non-stress tests twice a week at 34 weeks. I'm so thankful I'll be working in the same city as my doctor. I don't know what I would have done if I'd needed to do that while working 100 miles away.

Hard to believe we're getting so close! We still have so much to do...

"Like menstrual cramps"

2009-11-07T20:44:00.000-08:00

People have told me, and I've read, that contractions (little ones, at least) are like really bad menstrual cramps. The wisdom usually goes like this, "oh, you'll know when you're having a contraction. It's like a really bad cramp when you have your period!" Here's the thing, people. I never had regular periods. That's where the whole "I didn't think I could get pregnant" thing came from. And the periods I did have were usually tame (and often times very short). No cramps. Maybe the occasional back ache, but that was about it. So all these "really bad cramp" analogies aren't doing it for me. Sure, at a certain point, I'll know I'm having a contracting. But in the meantime, I'm drawing a blank.

Misc.

2009-11-03T21:44:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling what I think are Braxton Hicks contractions. Interesting. I need to ask the OB about them next week, but the childbirth class teacher said what I described sounds like Braxton Hicks.

Childbirth class is... interesting. I'm learning, and it's helpful for me to listen to the teacher, jot down notes in the book, and practice. Mike is bored out of his mind and would prefer to have all the info summarized in a short (20-30 minutes) session rather than a long (2 hour) one. I do agree with him that the class could be tighter and that our instructor is pretty weird. But I think you have to be weird to teach childbirth.

We watched a childbirth video tonight. Fortunately, it was tame. No crotch shots. Thank goodness. I was worried. It turned out to be like a shortened version of "A Baby Story." Phew.

My best friend is 12 weeks pregnant with twins! She called me yesterday with the happy news. I'm excited for her and her hubby, shocked by the twins news (can't imagine how shocked she must be!), and also a little sad that they live so far away that I won't get to be super involved in going shopping with her, etc. But she's coming out for my shower in December and I will throw one for her when she's closer. Lots of babies!

"No worries"

2009-11-03T21:38:00.000-08:00

So the ultrasound. Apparently I didn't drink the water early enough so they had a hard time looking at my cervix and had to use the dildo cam. The baby looks good-- had her hands in front of her face, boxer style. Put 'em up! But she's big. Or I'm further along by 3-4 weeks than they thought based on my 8 week ultrasound.

I emailed my doctor to ask what she thought. Her reply was actually really nice. (I always am self conscious about bothering her, which I know is stupid, but still.) It began with "no worries." She went on to say the baby is just big, that the 8 week ultrasound is waaaay more accurate than this and that they're not going to move my due date and that I don't need to be freaked out about possibly delivering about a month earlier than we'd planned. She also said that my high blood pressure could have made the baby smaller, but that it's not the case and I should be happy about that. And I don't have gestational diabetes, so the baby isn't big because of that. So I'm going to stick with her advice and focus on "no worries."

Another ultrasound

2009-11-01T10:28:00.000-08:00

The one good thing about being a "high risk" pregnancy (because of my blood pressure) is that we get an extra ultrasound to make sure the baby is growing appropriately. Tomorrow morning is our growth scan, and Mike and I are both really excited to see how big Poppy has gotten. I'm nervous, of course. I have fears that one of her limbs will have fallen off or that something's going to be wrong. I guess that's just part of being a mom. She's been actively kicking me, her heartbeat has sounded good each time I've been to the doctor, etc. So hopefully tomorrow we'll find that everything is okay and I can stop worrying. For now. ;)

Pain in my side

2009-11-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

I am slowly but surely getting over my illness. I still am coughing sometimes, and have an alternatively runny/stuffy nose. The worst part is the pain I have in my ribs. I've done so much coughing over the last two weeks that the muscles around my ribs are really sore. Let me tell you, you don't realize how much your ribs (and the muscles) do until they're really sore. Any kind of movement, any twisting motion of my spine, any bending... When I lay down in bed, it hurts to roll over onto my side. When I get up, it hurts to pull myself into a seated/standing position. Mike woke me up in the middle of the night last night, asking if I was okay because I'd been moaning in my sleep. It hurts that much. I'd like to take the Tylenol with codeine they gave me, because that would at least make it easier to sleep, but I have Poppy to consider. (I have been wondering what life is like for her in my womb given all the coughing. I'm sure she notices it!) So instead I'll moan and cry and cringe in pain and hope it gets better soon.

Buh-bye commute

2009-10-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

I officially accepted the offer I got and gave notice at my job. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more long commute! I counted, and with today's drive being done, I only have to make the drive 8 more times. My boss, and everyone at work, took it really well. They all basically say they will miss me, that I am a great employee/boss/colleague, and that they understand that this is the best decision for my family-- which it is.

Last night, we went to our first childbirth education class (more on that later), and as we learned about the signs of labor to watch for and what to pay attention to, I felt like I had an epiphany. "Oh my god," I thought. "I've been stupidly brave about all this!" What if something happened while I was in the middle of my drive? What if something happened while I was stuck in a traffic jam? What if I was far away (up to 90 miles) from my hospital and my husband? Of course I'd call 911 and would figure something out, and I realize labor can be a process that takes a long time, but this way I'm not tempting fate. Not to mention once the baby is born-- this way I won't have to be so far away from her if something happens. I was doing what I needed to do to keep my job and to do a good job, but as Poppy's birth gets closer and closer, it's time to stop taking chances of this type. So I'm feeling good about my decision, even as I have some apprehension about my new job and the exclusive-work-at-home arrangement that comes with it.

More health update

2009-10-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm still sick, but have been feeling better each day. Unfortunately, I have excruciating pain in my ribs whenever I cough, laugh, move, or anything else. The Tylenol with codeine that was prescribed for me helps me sleep and dulls the pain, but I don't feel comfortable taking it because of the baby. And I can't drive when I take it because it's a narcotic. I'm happy, though, that I'm feeling better than I as, and I'm trying to concentrate on continuing the trend.

Unfortunately, Mike is sick now. I think I gave it to him. I feel terribly, but I'm glad at least he doesn't have to go to the office each day. Just to the class he teaches twice a week, which is still pretty bad.

Hopefully our getting sick will help protect Poppy. I have another doctor's appointment in two weeks, so that may be my chance to get the H1N1 vaccine (if they have it). Unless what I have now is H1N1-- maybe then I won't need the vaccine? Hmm...

Not getting better

2009-10-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how long it's supposed to take for one to recover from the flu. I'm sure it's more than 2 days, but I'm tired of being sick and tired of being scared for my baby. You see, last night, I dug out "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to look up info on fevers. For pregnant women, anything at or above 100.4 is considered "you should call the doctor" worrisome. And if you feel decreased fetal movements, you should immediately call Labor and Delivery, because that's a really big sign of trouble.

Took my temperature at various times last night. The first time I took it (7ish), it was 99.9. An hour later, 100.4. An hour later, 100.6. At 10:35, it was up to 100.8. I took 1000 mgs of Tylenol and waited to see if it would go down. An hour later, it was still 100.8, so I called the After Hours Nurse, who then transferred me to Labor and Delivery triage. The nurse there told me to give it another hour and to drink as many cold fluids as I could in that time, hoping the fever would break. Well thankfully it did and at 12:45, I was down to 98.7 (which is still a little high for me, as I'm usually more like 96- or 97-point something). Each time I got up to go to the bathroom, I'd check my temperature, and it stayed low for a while. Then, when I woke up at a little before 6, it was back up to 99.7, and a little before 8, we were back to 100.6. sigh.

I never realized until I was pregnant that such a low-grade fever could be such an issue. I mean, really, 100.4+ isn't that hot. But when you're pregnant, everything is about the health of your baby. So here's hoping the baby is okay.

I'm off to the doctor this morning to get seen. I don't think they'll do anything for me, but it's better safe than sorry.

Sick

2009-10-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally got the flu shot saga cleared up. Went to the doctor on Monday and was told there aren't any H1N1 shots, and that you can't have one if you've been vaccinated within 30 days. So I got a seasonal flu shot and a month from now, if I have to, I'll get the H1N1 vaccine, too.

Of course about an hour after I got my seasonal flu shot, I started feeling REALLY sick. Chest and head congestion, sore throat, alternatively productive and unproductive (non-productive?) coughs, chills. I immediately got into bed and laid around for the rest of the day. It didn't get better as time passed, though Mike did make me his delicious homemade chicken soup. I also stayed home today and mostly slept. Slept and coughed.

I sent an email to my doctor who wrote back saying that the flu vaccine doesn't have any live flu in it (which I knew, but I wanted to put the timing in perspective) and that I'm either having flu-like symptoms as a result of my immune system mobilizing due to the vaccine or that I got the vaccine a little too late and had already been exposed to the flu. Great.

I can take Robitussin, she said, and Benadryl, and should watch out for fever. If I get a fever, I need to call the doctor immediately. Gotta get out my thermometer.

Moo

2009-10-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

This is my private blog-- it's out there and people can look at it if they come across it somewhere, but I don't give out the URL to people I know in real life-- so I can write whatever I want! Including things that might be TMI, like this.

The last couple of weeks, my nipples and areolas have had crusty stuff on them. I can and do flake it off, and I realized it'd probably colostrum. A quick Google search also supported that idea. The crusty stuff is kind of gross, but it's a natural bodily function, so what can you do?

Today I started thinking, though. If it's colostrum, it's gotta be coming out of my nipples and then spilling onto my aereolas, where it then dries and becomes crusty, right? But I've never seen or felt anything coming out of my nipples! So I decided I'd do some Googling to learn how to manually express my breasts, which, assuming it is colostrum, would produce that substance. I gave it a try and was fascinated to see a clear liquid coming out of my nipple! Oh my god! What a weird sight!

Feeling a little sick

2009-10-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

For the last week or so, I've been feeling like I'm getting a cold. I don't want a cold! I'm pregnant and having a cold can't be good for the baby. But I'd rather have a cold than the seasonal flu or the swine flu.

When I went in last week for the glucose screening, I also had to get a RhoGam shot. The nurse asked me if I also wanted the flu shot. That morning, I'd awakened to a story on NPR about how pregnant women are 6 times more likely to die from the swine flu. Pretty compelling reason to get the vaccine, huh? But I still wasn't set on a decision. The nurse said if I came back on/after Oct. 12, I could get both flu and H1N1 shots (one in each arm).

Well, between other research I've done and feeling sick, I've now decided yes, I'll get the vaccines. I have been reading a lot about demand for the H1N1 shots, so yesterday I sent a reminder to myself to call Kaiser today to see if I needed an appointment or if I could just walk in. The woman at the appointment center had no idea, had to call the OBGYN department, which didn't answer. So she left a message and told me I'd get a call back.

I did get a call back, and just a few minutes later. The nurse from OBGYN told me they didn't have any H1N1 shots, didn't know if or when they'd be getting any. I explained that the nurse I saw last week (literally a week ago today) specifically told me they'd be in and to come back. Today's nurse said the one I spoke with last week had no idea what she was talking about, but that maybe they'd have some shots in November. Um, okay.

About 15 minutes after that, I got ANOTHER call from Kaiser. Same nurse I'd spoken with earlier. She said she's spoken with a nurse at my medical office and that they may have some H1N1 vaccine coming in after all, later this week or early next week, and that I should call the main appointment number again to see. So it looks like I'll get to have this adventure again this Friday (or next Monday, when I have an actual appointment already scheduled).

I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't want the vaccine in the first place, so if I don't get it, it will be fine. And it will be fine, assuming I don't come into contact with anyone who has, and passes on to me, swine flu.

When can I start working from home?!?!

Misc. Updates

2009-10-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

1) Last Friday, I got a text message from Mike that he'd gotten calls from two new clients, totally out of the blue, wanting to do a couple of shoots this weekend. One of the shoots fell through, but he did end up booking a full day of work ($900) for one of the clients-- a large, national department store chain! I told him if he was still feeling nervous about striking out on his own, he should stop right now!

2) I have a meeting with my former (and potential new) boss tomorrow. She has two positions open and I've seen one of them advertised. As far as I know, she's not advertising "mine," so I'm hoping tomorrow's coffee date will include a formal offer.

3) On the baby front... we picked out a name! There wasn't a lot of overlap in the names Mike and I liked, but I came up with a first name (Micaela or Michaela) and middle name (Lee) combination that I thought sounded good, called him and asked what he thought, and he liked it! I was totally shocked. I didn't expect our conversation would be, "what do you think about Micaela/Michaela Lee?" "I like it." "Okay, so we can go with that?" "Yeah, let's."

He likes Michaela, and I like Micaela, so we still have to deal with that. I like Leigh better than Lee, but Lee is Mike's mom's middle name and the name of my dearest (now deceased) aunt, so I think we're going with Lee.

I want to come up with at least one other option so when Poppy is born, we have something else ready to go in case she doesn't look like a Micaela/Michaela. Still, it's a big hurdle to have come up with *something*!

So excited!

2009-10-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

When I found out I was pregnant, I was in total shock. TOTAL SHOCK. There were no words to describe how taken aback I was. I literally had spent the 15 or so years before thinking I was not going to be able to have kids (or that I'd need medical intervention if I could), and all of a sudden, BAM! I was pregnant. Say what?!?

Now that the shock has worn off, I'm just excited. Totally excited! I can't wait for Poppy to get here! I am enjoying my pregnancy more than I thought I would (and maybe more than it seems like from my complaining here), but I'm ready for it to be over with so I can meet MY DAUGHTER. How crazy is that? My daughter. Hooray for Poppy!

Job changes

2009-10-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything here yet about the latest job news in our household, but there's a lot going on.

Mike, who has been very busy in the last few years juggling a bustling freelance career with full-time work and responsibilities around the house, gave notice today at work. Three weeks from now, he will be on his own, taking the time to expand his freelance business and preparing for his new role of stay-at-home dad.

He was understandably nervous about quitting. Right now, we're making a ton of money between my income, his income, his freelance income, and our rental income. We have mostly banked his income (though not exclusively), so we have a decent size nest egg. But still, with a baby on the way on expenses going up because of that, it's a scary time to turn down $65k/year. Our original plan was that he would quit his job in January, when the baby is born, but I convinced him that it made sense to quit now so he can focus on building the business up to a point that he can be in full swing once January rolls around. He won't officially stop working until Oct. 22, and he just started another gig (teaching two classes at a local college), and then there's also the job of finishing up the renovation on our house. That's obviously very important and has to be done by the time the baby comes. So I expect he'll still be really darn busy!

In terms of my job news, I don't have anything definitive yet, but I have an interesting situation. Someone I used to work for got a new job a couple of months ago. When she'd accepted the position but hadn't told anyone yet where it was, she started talking to me about the chance to work together again. Never one to limit my options, I told her I'd be interested (and I am. She's a great lady and I learned a lot working from her before). When she finally told me where she was working, we revisited the conversation. A few weeks ago, she emailed me a job description for discussion purposes to see if I'd be interested. It would pay what I was making before I took my current job (which came with a $20k/yr pay cut) and WOULD BE BASED AT HOME. I'd still be a director-level, but my 3 hour (or more, depending on traffic) daily commute would be gone. My $400-$500 monthly gas bill would be gone AND my income would go up by more than $1200/month before taxes. How can I say no to that?

I have the feeling that I'm a sure thing. I'm her preferred (and only, at this point) candidate and I've worked with the other people in this company before. We have good relationships. I sent in a cover letter and resume and heard back today asking what my time line looks like. I said I want to give 2 weeks notice-- that's only fair-- but that's my only issue. I do feel badly, because I love my current job. I really do love it. But this other opportunity would be better for my family, and now that I'm a mom, that has to come first. It's a weird thing to wrap my mind around in a lot of ways. Assuming the new job comes through, I'm going to see if my current company wants to keep me on as a consultant to finish a couple of big projects that need to be done by the end of the calendar year.

Baby shower!

2009-10-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'd been feeling sorry for myself over the last couple of days. I got an invite to a girlfriend's baby shower. She's due months after I am, but her friends have it together enough that they're planning something and not only had I not heard a peep out of my friends, but when I asked a couple of them some registry-related questions, all I heard was the sound of crickets (implying they had no plans to throw me a shower). I don't know why, but stuff like that totally gets to me and throughout my life, I have been really hurt by having expectations of my friends that they never quite seem to meet. I've gotten better about it, but I'm still not that good, and this shower thing is a perfect example.

Today, Mike and I spent a very nice day out and about and I happened to mention to him that my feelings were hurt because I wanted a shower but no one was going to throw me one. He said I have a tendency to make people think I don't want something (like a baby shower) and then get disappointed when I don't get it. That's a longstanding discussion between us, and I basically let it go. A couple of hours later, he said to me, all giddy, "check your email!" I looked at my BlackBerry and had a message from my friend saying to save the date, that she and another friend had been plotting to throw me a shower. Mike also said his mom is coming out for it and that his stepmom might come, too. I was totally surprised, totally touched, and felt a little bit stupid for being such a baby.

Apparently they've been trying to figure out details for weeks and when I told Mike how I was feeling, he sent a text to one of my friends alerting her to the need to break the news stat. And voila, she did. I feel much better now about things. I guess my friends don't suck, after all.

(And for the record, I was hurt/disappointed because 1) I would totally throw showers for my friends and have been to all sorts of showers in the past and bought stuff and even driven hundreds of miles to be there, and 2) it's my baby, for Christ's sake, and I want her to have nice things-- nice things purchased by our friends and family!)

Mommy friends

2009-09-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

I met a nice woman at the dog park today. Leah is her name, and her dog's name is Tucker. She's a pediatrician and has a baby that is less than a year old. I have seen her there before and we've chatted, but this time, we talked longer than we ever have in the past and actually exchanged names. I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a friendship, because I could use some mom friends who live locally! Right now, I only have one, though another friend is about 3 months pregnant (which means Poppy will be about 3 months older than my friend's child). Being around people who know what you're going through because they've been through it is so helpful, and I would like to build a support network for me and a network of friends for Poppy (especially since our neighborhood doesn't lend itself to her making friends around here). I am thinking about trying to join a mommy's group or doing Stroller Strides or something, but it will also depend on my job situation, since working 90 miles from home isn't conducive to having lots of time for playgroups, etc. (though I'm sure Mike will be able to make lots of mommy friends, ha ha).

Too much advice

2009-09-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

People are sweet and well-meaning. Most of them, anyway. But sometimes they drive me fucking crazy.

Mike and I are in the process of registering for baby stuff. That's been a process in and of itself, because we each have our own ideas about how it should go. But we are finally mostly on the same page about most things and it's been getting easier. It was, anyway, until a little bit ago.

Last night, Mike was IMing with a friend who has a couple of kids and he mentioned to her that he was working on our registry. She then came up with this list of things to get and to not get, and of course has opinions on everything. Mike ate it up hook, line and sinker. (Now that I know this, it actually helps explain how/why some things got on our registry that we'd never talked about and that I am quite sure we don't need and won't use.)

The big thing he took from her is that rather than getting the Medela Pump in Style (PIS) breast pump that I want, that I should get some single (only one breast at a time) hand pump because it's less expensive and it's quiet and it will make me feel less like a cow. I tried to explain to Mike that I talked to people and read books and did research and that's how I decided that I wanted the PIS and that it's not like I just picked the more expensive one because it's more expensive (A LOT more expensive. Like $300 vs. $85.). He blew me off and insists that I think about it more.

I'm so frustrated! I don't want a hand pump, I want one that is power-operated so my hands don't get tired from pumping all the time. I know the PIS may be louder, but I don't care-- breastfeeding is natural and if they can hear the pump, people are going to have to deal with the fact that I'm pumping. I currently think that I'm going to feel like a cow no matter what-- after all, I'm being pumped to provide milk to another person-- so why on earth would I buy a bump that takes twice as long (as least, since I imagine it will be 2x as long to do each breast, and if my hands get tired from pumping, I am sure it will be more slow than using the PIS)?

My plan is to ignore him. The PIS is on the registry, that's the one I want. I have reasons for wanting it, I'm the one who is going to be pumping, and if he asks me about it (I won't bring it up), I'll just explain my reasons to him and he can deal with it. When milk starts coming out of his nipples, he can pick a fucking pump.

Things are going well

2009-09-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor this morning for a routine appointment and am happy to report that everything is on track. My blood pressure was 122/77-- which is amazing for me!-- and the baby's heartbeat was strong and healthy. I'm not having any weird symptoms except two different types on itching. One is a rash that seems to happen when I get too hot or sweaty. It's gross and uncomfortable, but the doctor said that may just be how I react to being pregnant and that I should 1) try some spray on antiperspirant where I tend to get the rash and 2) be happy it's starting to cool down. The other rash is a little more serious, potentially. The palms of my hands and soles of my feet get red, swollen, and itchy. It may be a sign of problems with my liver or gallbladder, so I am going to have some blood work done in two weeks when I go for my glucose test and rhogam shot. My mom has hepatitis, and the itchy palms and soles is one of her symptoms. I have empathy now, because it's miserable!

All that being said, I'm really pleased with how everything is going. Sure, I complain about the day-to-day frustrations and annoyances, but all in all, it's been an easy pregnancy. I haven't had to worry about "is my baby okay?" "Is my baby going to make it?" or anything else. No cramping, no bleeding, no contractions, no nothing. Smooth sailing. For that, I am very thankful. I honestly didn't think it'd be that way.

My next appointment is towards the end of October, then one in the middle of November. Then I start going more frequently, unless my blood pressure starts acting up, in which case I'll go probably once a week. I'm in the home stretch!

Update

2009-09-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

My birthday ended up being fine. We had dinner with some friends the day before and it was really nice. Very touching. I cried. I'm a sap, what can I say? The actual day-of, I worked a really long day (10 hours, plus 3 hours drive time). The day after, though, Mike and I and my brother went to a really fancy place for dinner and ate like pigs. Literally hundreds of dollars worth of food (and wine for the boys). It was all comped because of some work Mike had done for the owner of the restaurant. Not bad!

My stomach has gotten a lot bigger. I look at pictures from a couple of weeks ago compared to now and it's mind boggling. Amazing how quickly it happens. Tomorrow I'll be six months pregnant, and Sunday, I'll be married for a year. It's been a busy 12 months.

Work is going well. My boss has been much more open to letting me work from home. I'm home today and will be home two days next week, too. Woo hoo! That's a huge load off.

Big plans for this weekend include buying "What to Expect The First Year" and "Super Baby Foods." I figure I should get started learning about those things now, while I have time and while I'm rested.

Other than that, nothing too exciting going on. That's probably a good thing. ;)

I still count, right?

2009-09-11T21:47:00.001-07:00

My birthday is on Monday. I'll be 30. Woo hoo. I've already written about some angst I'm having around my birthday, but I'm trying to get over that. Today, though, something happened that I'd been wondering about. It wasn't necessarily a nice thing to have it confirmed, either.

My in-laws, who are wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, loving people, sent me a birthday gift. It's a necklace with a pendant on it of a family. Two adults, one child. They're hugging, and the arms of the adults form a heart. It's a very nice necklace, and I know they were thinking of me and about how I'm going to be a mom and all that stuff. But isn't the thing about it being my birthday that it's MY birthday? Not the birthday of the little one growing inside me? Wouldn't THAT be a good day to get a necklace of a family?

What I'm trying to say is, this gift is about me as a mother and as the matriarch of a family. Which is nice, but I wonder if it's the beginning of me as an individual not counting anymore. Now it'll be me as a mom, part of a unit (mom + child). That's quite a change and will definitely take some getting used to.

Inappropriate touching

2009-09-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

I met someone the other day-- for the first time-- and she immediately put her hand on my stomach. I've read about that happening and people have told me it happens, but I was still surprised when it did. Why on earth would anyone think that's okay?!?!

Buzz saw

2009-09-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

One of the things I've read in my pregnancy books is that the membranes that line the uterus are the same as those that line the nose. The changes that happen during pregnancy happen not only to the uterine membranes, but also to the ones in the nose. This results in snoring.

I don't usually snore, but apparently I've been doing it lately. Mike has told me that I've been snoring loudly enough that he can hear me from the living room. The first time he said that, we sort of laughed about it. I was embarrassed, but what can I do? He didn't mention it again, until last night, when he called me a buzz saw. Once again, I was snoring so loudly that he could hear me from the other room. It made it hard for him to sleep, and he went and slept on the couch. (That said, I did sleep very well. It's nice to have the whole bed to myself!)

I explained to him the biological reason for my new symphony of sounds and he told me it's cute. It's not, but I appreciate the sentiment. Last night, I was having a hard time getting comfortable-- lots of tossing and turning-- and add to that a fear of snoring and keeping Mike up, and it wasn't the most restful night I've ever had. I slept on the couch for a few hours and then came back to bed. Hopefully I'll get over this (not sure why the snoring has given me a complex; there's nothing I can do about it) so we can get back to normal!

Best massage ever

2009-09-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

I went today and had a massage and it was the best thing ever. Ever. I've had one other pre-natal massage, and it was nice, but this was nicer. Not sure why. The first time, I was still able to lay on my stomach, so I did, but this time, I started on my right side and then flipped over to my left. The masseuse paid special attention to the area that have been bothering me-- my feet, which swell like crazy by the end of the day, my neck, which is always tense as a result of working at a desk all day, and my right hip, which is pained from the 3+ hours of driving I do five days a week. She also suggested I go to prenatal yoga, which I've been wanting to do, but have been too lazy to actually commit to. The place I'd go offers classes Wednesday nights at 7, which I can usually make it to (have to leave work by 5 to get home with enough time to change and get to yoga), or early (8?) Saturday morning. I did buy a prenatal yoga DVD, but I haven't used it yet. Wow. I guess I'm lazier than I thought!

Kicking

2009-08-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

I was exhausted this afternoon from another day of fighting with my husband and two hours of intensive kitchen cleaning. It's so hot the ants have decided to invade, and they were all over everything in the kitchen-- the walls, the fruit in the fruit bowl, inside some of the cabinets, on the counter top, etc. I scrubbed the counter tops down, applied RAID to non-food surfaces, threw out food that was open and therefore vulnerable to ants, etc. And in the end, I was out of breath and pooped, so I went to lay down. Mike, meanwhile, had gone to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

Once on the bed (brand new mattress that we bought just hours earlier), I felt a kick from inside. At first I thought, "what was that?" Then I felt another and figured it out. It was Poppy! I was finally feeling her kicks!

Mike happened to call home because he'd left something here, and I told him to come back and get it and that if he was lucky, he'd get to feel her kick, too. He came home and laid on the bed next to me, but no such luck. Poppy is only kicking for me at this point.

Still, it was very exciting. What a nice feeling!

A funk

2009-08-29T19:26:00.001-07:00

Every so often, I battle a bout of depression. It's almost always the same. I get sad, I don't want to do anything. I curse my friends, who all suck. Well, I'm going through that now.

In about 2 weeks, I'll celebrate my 30th birthday. Well, let me rephrase that to say that in 2 weeks, I'll turn 30. I won't celebrate my birthday. My plans had been to go on a big trip, but that's not going to happen now that I'm pregnant with Poppy (and not now that we went on our babymoon and I don't have any vacation time left). Obviously, a big raging night of drinking is out, too. Getting dressed up and going somewhere fancy is out of the question-- what on earth would I wear? I'd be really happy, actually, with a night in with my friends, but my friends are all flakes. They're dispersed all over the country, and none of them are inclined to come to San Diego for a weekend. Even the one who lives in LA, only 2 short hours away.

These are the same friends who won't be throwing me a baby shower. I talked to my best friend (I feel silly calling her that right now as I'm put out with her) and was asking her opinion of where we should register-- Babies R Us or Amazon.com-- because Mike and I haven't been able to decide. I was NOT hinting about a shower, but I did mention that I didn't think I'd have one since everyone is far away and busy, and that my mom isn't the type to throw me one. She didn't say anything indicating an interest or desire to throw me one, which is fine, except it still hurts my feelings.

I also have been very frustrated with Mike lately for a number of reasons. He's driving me crazy. I don't feel like he wants me input on baby product purchasing, he is always pestering me for sex (which I have no interest in, though that's not the fault of the pregnancy, it was pretty much that was before, too). He is always going on and on about how much he does around the house, implying that I don't do anything. And the other day, when I talk the dog to the vet, he said, "how much did that cost me?" Excuse me, but I work and contribute to our household, too, and I don't appreciate that type of statement.

Mike asked me yesterday what I want to do to celebrate our one-year wedding anniversary, which is about a week after my birthday. Again, see the paragraphs above for reasons I don't want to do anything. All I've been thinking lately is, "why don't we get divorced?"

Oh, and I suggested to him the other day that he should think about getting a fuck buddy. Fort he last week or so, I've been thinking up rules that would make me more comfortable with it. Must be STD-free. Mike must not spend any money on him/her. There will be others, I'm sure. It just seems like if we do it this way, at least I'll have some control. Without it, or without my suddenly regaining an interest in sex, it's just a matter of time until he cheats on me. So here I am-- 29 years old, less than a year into my marriage, and pregnant to boot. No wonder I'm depressed.

Status update

2009-08-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

Everything seems to be going well. I still haven't felt Poppy move, but maybe that's just not going to happen. Or maybe it will happen later. I guess I'll find out as time goes by.

It's amazing to me that in a couple of days, I'll be 21 weeks along. Halfway there! More than, in fact. Wow.

I'm trying not to be too crazy. Too emotional. To anything. I think it's going well, but I'm not sure what Mike would say if you ask him.

It looks like I'm slightly anemic. I've been very tired lately. I started taking my prenatal vitamins again, so I'm hoping the iron and folic acid in them will give me some energy. The gummie vites I'd been taking instead (because the prenates made me feel so sick) didn't have any iron in them...

But all in all, I'm trying to enjoy these moments and to talk to Poppy when I can, tell her I love her, and to try to be a good mom even at this point. It's kind of nice. I'm getting excited for January to roll around and the chance to meet my little girl!

Babies R' What?

2009-08-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

Now that we know we're having a girl, we went to Babies R' Us to look a little more seriously at the various baby things we need to buy (or register for). Lots of cute things and lots of things that mystify me! Even with "Baby Bargains," our baby stuff-buying Bible, it's a lot to take in. Like bottles. How do I know what type and how many of bottles to get? And breast pumps? Don't get me started on them!

We have a game plan for the baby's room. We're going with a jungle theme. It will be unisex so that if Mike gets his way and we have a second kid, and if that kid is a boy, we'll be able to use the stuff again. Plus-- more importantly, actually-- there are just lots of cute jungle things out there! We bought a coloring book with a jungle theme and we're going to use that as a basis for a design that we'll project onto the wall as a stencil and then paint. We're going to do plain sheets and blankets mostly and accessorize with jungle-themed items (like a lamp, maybe, and a mobile).

A friend has offered to give us their crib, so we only need to buy a mattress and the bedding, plus a dresser (the top of which will be used as a changing table). Well, that and everything else a baby needs!

Halfway there!

2009-08-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

I had another doctor's appointment on Thursday and while the doctor hadn't looked at the images from the ultrasound in great detail, she said if something had been obviously wrong, the tech would have called in a radiologist and they would have called her. So it's sort of a "no news is good news" situation. Same with the genetic testing.

Somehow the doctor and her office forgot to tell me I needed 2nd trimester blood work done for the genetic screening. I was surprised to get a letter when I got home at 7 p.m. on the 18th saying I needed to have the blood work done on/by the 20th or else they couldn't do any screening. I was NOT happy. It worked out fine and I was able to have it done on the 20th, after my prenatal appointment.

While I was there, the doctor also ordered some general blood and urine screening because I explained I've been a little tired, a little swollen, and sensitive to sugar. My results came back later that day and they all look sort of funky to me. My red blood count from the CBC was really low. That probably explains why I'm so exhausted all the time. I need to follow up with the doctor to see if I should be taking supplements or something.

In a concession to my health, and thinking of Poppy's, I went back to taking prenatal vitamins last night. The ones I was taking before made me really sick, so I switched to regular adult gummie vitamins. But the prenatal ones have more good stuff that I obviously need, so that's that.

I'm happy that everything is going well and amazed at how quickly the days have passed. I'm 20 weeks along today-- halfway there!

Great news!

2009-08-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

Mike was late for our appointment. Well, he wasn't late, exactly. He was late for check-in, and they ended up taking me slightly early. He didn't miss anything. Just the least talkative technician in the world running his wand over my belly (and excruciatingly full bladder). Mike arrived, he watched. I couldn't see anything from where I was. I asked the guy, "is the baby still in there? Heart still beating?" He said yes, so that was a relief, but he didn't say ANYTHING else. Mike tried to ask the guy a question or two, but the tech just said, "you'll have to ask the doctor. I can't make any diagnoses." I don't want a diagnosis-- and by the way, does that mean something's wrong?!?-- but I'd love to know what you're looking at/for.

The tech took a million images. My bladder was threatening a revolt, so I got up and peed halfway through the exam. There was one image he was trying to get, but it took a long time. The tech kept pushing the wand into me harder and jostling me, to get the baby to change positions, I guess.

Then, finally, he turned the screen around so I could see. And what did I see? A little baby! Moving! In my belly! PHEW! He showed us head and profile and feet and arms and heartbeat... and... female genitalia! It's a girl!

He also moved the date up a bit, saying I'm really 20+ weeks along. Moved my due date from January 9, 2010 to December 29, 2009. By far, that's the easiest "week" of pregnancy I've had!

I'm off (in about a half hour) to another doctor's appointment, where we will review the sonogram images and I'll have some more blood work done. More on the blood work later.

Today's the day

2009-08-19T05:40:00.000-07:00

Alright... today, at 4:45, is our appointment for the sonogram to find out the sex of the baby. I'm really nervous. I'm still not feeling what I can identify as movement. I hope everything is okay and the baby is still alive and is doing well. Never mind the sex! At this point, I want to see live, healthy baby.

More later.

Was that movement?

2009-08-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

I'm now 19 weeks and 2 days along. According to the books I've read and people I've talked to, I should be feeling Poppy's movement any day now. Someone told me-- and this makes perfect sense, whether it's medically accurate or not-- that all my movement during the day lulls the baby to sleep, so my best chance of feeling Poppy move (for the time being) is at night. I've laid in bed for the past few nights trying to decide if I feel anything. And then anything I do feel, I think, "is that just stomach discomfort? Gas? Am I even feeling anything?" I've become fairly nervous, though I'm not having any cramps or bleeding, and have continued to have pregnancy symptoms like the occasional morning sickness and ligament pain and swollen feet. We go to the doctor on Wednesday to find out the sex of the baby through an ultrasound, so at least I'll be able to find out soon if everything looks the way it should. I actually also have an appointment on Thursday, just for a regular check up. Should be a Kaiser-filled week.

Resentment

2009-08-17T06:44:00.000-07:00

The other night, Mike went over to a friend's house to work on a home improvement project. I knew he and the friend would end up drinking beer while working and that the chances Mike would come home tipsy were pretty good. I did not, however, expect that he was going to leave the friend's house (at 12:30 a.m., come to find out) and go to a local bar and hang out there until I called him at 2 a.m., and then somehow not get home until 2:45.

I last talked to him at a little before 10 p.m., so by the time it got to be 2 a.m., I was worried. Looking at the clock, I figured he'd gone to the bar, but I was still pissed off that he couldn't be bothered to text me or email me or call me to let me know. I also was pissed off that he was probably out there driving heavily impaired-- a stupid thing to do considering our child is on the way and it really would be best for all involved to have a two-parent family unit.

When I talked to him at 2, I was NOT a happy camper. I verified he was alive, could tell he was at a bar based on the noise, and then hung up. He called me back, I ignored the call. He called again, I ignored it again. And so on for about five minutes. When I finally picked up the phone, HE got mad at ME and yelled at me! "Why are you being like this?" "I'm mad that it's 2 and I haven't heard anything from you!" "What's the big deal?" Eventually, I hung up on him. When he came home, I pretended to be asleep and didn't talk to him.

I feel like his actions were really selfish. Selfish to go out and not think I might be worried. Selfish to be out drinking and driving. Selfish to not even consider that I can't just go out anymore and do whatever I want, and that I can't go have even one drink. I'm not sure if this is some sort of "last hurrah" before Settling Down into Family Life, but I'm resentful as hell.

Still alive

2009-08-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

Mike and I went on a babymoon, hence the lack of posts. What a blissful experience! It was so nice to get away from it all for a while, and to stay in gorgeous hotels (that I didn't have to clean) and eat delicious food (that I didn't have to cook or clean up afterward)!

I am very lucky that my husband is really good to me. He is respectful of my limitations and thoughtful, and is sensitive to the fact that I don't always like asking for help or admitting I'm not physically up to something due to the pregnancy. We had a great trip, and it coincided with our 5-year anniversary, so that was fun, too.

Now that I'm back to the real world, things are going fine. I have two doctor's appointments next week: one regular checkup and the big sonogram to find out the sex of the baby. Unfortunately, I've read some posts lately on The Bump message board and watched some shows on TLC about unfortunate pregnancies, or children that have had trouble once they were born, so I'm feeling a little more anxious than usual. No more "The Child Frozen in Time" or "Sister Bond: Conjoined Twins" for me!

For the last two days, I've been having trouble breathing again. Not sure if Poppy moved and is sitting on/pushing against something involved respiration or what, but I don't like it! Other than that, and a short bout of morning sickness this morning, I'm feeling pretty good. I've been elevating my feet and being more conscious of how much standing I'm doing, so the foot swelling has lessened. I also have been trying (but not with much success, truth be told) to drink more water. I've gotta get better about that...

But other than that, I'm mostly excited and looking forward to finding out if Poppy is a boy or a girl!

Cramping?

2009-07-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

I was scared when Rey humped on my belly, but that was nothing compared to this morning. I was driving to work and I started feeling a lot of discomfort in my abdomen an pain in my lower back.

I've never really had my period on a regular basis, so I'm never really sure what menstrual cramps feel like, but when I have had discomfort during my period, it's usually pain in my back. Now, given that all of the books I've read talk about menstrual cramp-like cramps being one of the signs of miscarriage, I got really freaked out. REALLY FREAKED OUT. Crying, pull off the freeway freaked out.

Mike and I talked and he gave me the old, "don't worry yourself sick" line, which didn't help at all. I realize that worrying doesn't help, but I can't just shut off my worry button. He suggested I call the nurse advice line, but I wasn't able to pinpoint or really describe the pains to Mike, so I knew I wouldn't do any better with the nurse and there wouldn't be anything he/she could do. Also, I know that before 20 weeks, the fetus isn't really viable, so it's not like they can deliver the baby and try to kep it alive in the NICU; they just have to let it go.

Instead of calling the nurse, I called Dr. Mom, a friend (who is not a doctor) who has been my guiding light and a huge source of information to me throughout this pregnancy. She also told me to calm down and suggested a whole list of other things it could be besides miscarriage. She suggested I go home, lay down, and put a warm cloth or heating pad (on low) on my back. I'd already decided to go home and so that's what I did.

As I type this, I'm propped up in bed. I have a pillow under my knees and am contemplating trying to find my heating pad. I put in a call to my boss to explain to him that I'm not coming in today so I can be close to the hospital, just in case, and I think he'll be understanding. My stomach isn't having discomfort anymore, and the pain is my back has dulled. I'm sure things will be fine, but it was very scary.

I am excited about this pregnancy and happy to be having a baby, but I didn't realize exactly how excited and how happy until I had this scare. I put my hand on my belly and said, "Poppy, you have to stay in there!" Hopefully Poppy will oblige.

The latest

2009-07-26T17:19:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been more than a week since I last wrote. Where does the time go? The scary thing is that it's going to go even faster once I have the baby!

I've noticed lately that my feet swell-- A LOT -- if I stand too much. At the end of the day, a couple of days ago, I looked down and my feet looked like sausages. Gross! I showed them to Mike, who commented on my cankles. Yup, I'd swollen p so much that my ankles had disappeared and started to blend into my calves. I'm trying to do a better job now of sitting more often and of elevating my feet.

One good thing that's come of all of this is that I feel pretty good about being bigger. I definitely am getting bigger and heavier, and sometimes I get a little down about it, but I also am happy and proud of my pregnant belly, which is home to a little person. I am surprised by it, actually. I have a maternity camisole and I feel pretty comfortable just wearing it around, even though it is form fitting and shows off my belly. Actually, I like it because it is form fitting and shows off my belly!

Sleep has gone by the wayside. Well, good sleep has, anyway. I get up frequently and get up a lot each night. Sometimes I feel exhausted but can't quite get to sleep, or I finally get to sleep but wake up a little bit later and can't go back to sleep. I took a nap at work the other day; balled up my jacket, laid on the floor under my desk, and woke up 25 minutes later when my phone started ringing. God, it was great.

I'm trying to stay hydrated but not doing that great of a job. I am procrastinating on starting to take my prenatal vitamins again, and instead keep taking my adult gummy vitamins. I haven't been eating particularly well, either. But I'm chugging along, and so is Poppy.

Near faint

2009-07-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

It's summer. It's hot. Mike and I went to breakfast this morning, then stopped at some friends' house to see their new car. That entailed standing outside for a few minutes, but I tried to stay in the shade under a tree. We were heading to our next stop when we saw an old friend and pulled over to say hi. After talking for a few minutes, I started getting the strangest sensation.

I started seeing stars. My ears clogged up-- it was like trying to listen underwater. I felt really warm and weak and woozy. It was like I was on the verge of fainting. I told Mike and he hustled me to the car, put the A/C on full blast and ran to the store across the street to get me a big bottle of cold water. Once I sat down and caught my breath (I didn't feel it at the time, but I was having a sort of hard time breathing), I started feeling better, and once the air was one me, it was even better. The water also helped. My only thought was that I started to get a little heat exhaustion and/or dehydration and that my body was letting me know I needed to take it a little easier and drink some more fluids.

It was weird and it was scary. I'm so thankful we were close to the car (as opposed to across a big parking lot) and that there was a place with cold water nearby. It definitely was a reminder to take better care of myself-- and of Poppy-- in this hot summer weather.

Pain update

2009-07-16T17:35:00.001-07:00

I didn't go tot he doctor on Tuesday. I also didn't go on Wednesday, though it started to hurt when I walked, too. I noticed that the pain definitely gets worse in the evenings, maybe because I've been moving around all day?

I was working from home today, so I decided I'd call the doctor and see if they thought I should go in. The bad thing about working 90 miles from home is that you're also 90 miles from your doctor, so spur of the moment appointments aren't that convenient.

Talked to the nurse, who asked me to describe the location pain. She asked me various questions (are you having spotting? how much water are you drinking? how would you rate the pain on a scale of 1-10?), relayed my answers to the doctor, and then relayed the doctor's wisdom to me. The result? Just as I suspected, it sounds like round ligament pain. I can take Tylenol for the pain if I want/need. I should drink more water. I should wear flat shoes. I should roll onto my side before getting up from laying down. I should cradle my belly when standing up from sitting. The last three of these things I've already been doing.

I was sure it was probably nothing but wanted to make sure they thought so, too, and I'm glad that was confirmed for me. The scary thing is that Poppy is going to keep getting bigger, which will make my uterus bigger and heavier, which will stretch the ligaments even more... .so this is probably something I should just get used to! ouch!

To go or not to go

2009-07-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

I have had pain off and on on the other side of my baby bump. I've assumed it's ligament pain from my uterus growing and the muscles that support it stretching. It changes sides, and normally only bothers me when I stand up from sitting or when I roll over, etc. This evening, though, it's started to hurt on both sides, all the way across the bottom of my baby bump, and it's more intense than it has been. I'm not sure what's going on, and I can't decide if I should go to the doctor (which, at this point, would have to be the ER) or not. I could also wait until tomorrow and make an appointment for urgent care.

This is very difficult, because I don't want something to be really wrong and to put it off and end up losing the baby. I also don't want to be overly anxious or make a bigger deal out of this than it is. Mostly I'm concerned because the pain has grown in area and intensity. I'll probably stay home and suck it up.

Deja Vu

2009-07-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

This morning, upon waking, I felt as sick as I did at the height of my morning sickness. I had some breakfast and immediately felt like throwing it up, though I didn't. I hoped it would subside as I was getting dressed and doing my morning routine, but it didn't, and I ended up driving to work with a plastic bag on my lap because I was afraid I was going to puke. That hasn't happened for a long time. I got to work and still felt crappy, went to an almost two hour-long meeting and still felt gross, and then came home. I finally began feeling better about 1 p.m., thank goodness. Hopefully this is a rarity and I'll go back to feeling good most of the day (followed by feeling good all day, I hope!).

Movement

2009-07-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

I think I felt Poppy move today. I was laying in bed when I felt a twinge in my belly. I wondered, "is that the baby?!?" before thinking, "no, it must just be a muscle spasm." But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, "no, it didn't feel like a muscle spasm." Then, later in the day, I was getting a massage (heavenly!) and the masseuse asked if I'd felt my baby move. I told her the story and she said she felt her baby's first movements at 13 weeks, so it was entirely possible.

In one episode of "Friends," Phoebe sings, "Are you in there little fetus/in nine months will you come greet us/I will buy you some Adidas." I guess my little fetus is there and moving. I'd better get some Adidas!

Telling work: check!

2009-07-09T06:23:00.000-07:00

Monday we had our doctor's appointment, and Tuesday I'd scheduled time with my boss (the CEO) and the Director of HR to let them in on our news. I was nervous. Not because they could do anything about it at this point (hello!) and not because I didn't think they'd be excited. It was mostly because that's a big thing to tell people!

Went into my boss' office. We made small talk for a couple of minutes, then I said, "I don't know exactly how to say this, so I'll just say it. I'm pregnant!" He congratulated me and got all excited and asked me a few (non-invasive, friendly) questions. He's very Christian and loves babies, and his son and daughter-in-law are pregnant right now with what's going to be his first grandchild, so he has baby fever. He told me stories from his wife's pregnancy and offered some fatherly advice. He also said, "I know I've only met Mike once or twice, but if he has any questions or wants to talk to me, please tell him to call me!" It was a very nice offer, but one I don't see us taking him up on. Ha ha.

So that was a relief. I then headed over to HR and had the same conversation with the HR director. I was concerned because I am due to deliver before my 1 year anniversary with my employer, so I'm not eligible for FMLA immediately, but it looks like that's actually going to work in my favor (contrary to what I thought a couple of months ago). I can start on Pregnancy Disability Leave (PDL), which usually runs concurrently with FMLA, but because I'm not eligible for FMLA, I can start on my PDL and then FMLA will kick in on the day of my 1 year anniversary (nearly 4 weeks after I'm due). I can use that and then get into CFRA (California law) baby bonding time, which apparently after I've taken 2 weeks of, I can decide to then use in day or week(s)-long increments. And the HR director said she'd work with me once it gets closer to run some numbers and do some calculations and figure out how to take my time so that I continue to have company-paid insurance (normally, when you're on unpaid leave, you have to pay your own premiums) and continue to accrue PTO (which would then help stretch out my leave)!

Yesterday, Wednesday, I called my team together and told them the news. They were very happy for me and excited, and the employee I'm closest to came up to me after the meeting and said, "I didn't want to do this out there, but I'm a girl, so give me a hug!" We hugged and she asked me questions and we talked about it. She said she thought I might be pregnant. She's very observant! Another of my employees said, "The important thing is not to get stressed, so put it on us. We're here for you," which I thought was the nicest thing ever.

It feels very good to have told people and to be able to have it out in the open now. I just have to keep this bun in my oven so I don't have to tell all these people any sort of bad news.

"Aww, congrats!"

2009-07-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

It has been so fun to see the feedback from people about our news! Mike and I each posted on Facebook-- he "Mike is going to be a dad" and I "Music and Mike and baby makes three"-- and the comments started rolling in. Lots of "congrats," lots of "you're going to be great parents," etc. It was a reminder that there are a lot of people out there who love us, and that's always nice! Our baby is so lucky!

Thump thump

2009-07-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

We had a little mix-up at the appointment today-- turns out I wasn't set for a sonogram at all. The receptionist was supposed to give me the info and instructions to schedule an appointment with radiology at 20 weeks for my sonogram, but instead, she gave it to me and told me it was for my appointment today. I was annoyed, but what can you do?

At today's appointment, I got to see a doctor, who I really liked. She's very nice, very personable. Answered all of my questions and then some. I'll get to continue seeing her throughout the rest of my pregnancy, though she most likely won't be there for delivery.

Anyway. At today's appointment, we heard the baby's heart beat! It was ticking away strongly and quickly. Hard to believe there's a baby in my belly!

Today's appointment was the one I was waiting for, and now we can start telling people. Mike's called each of his grandmas-- in fact, he's on the phone with one as I type-- and I'll call the few friends on my list (my best friends know, and most of my other friends will get an email or will see it on Facebook).

Appointment today

2009-07-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

Today we have our 13 week appointment. I have to drink 32 ounces of water-- no peeing!-- before the appointment so they can do an ultrasound. My poor bladder is dreading it. But I've heard that it's possible, though not likely, to tell the sex of the baby at this point, so who knows, maybe we'll get lucky. Hopefully everything will be okay and we can move forward with our plans to share the happy news with friends and family this week. More after the appointment.

Still here, and a scare

2009-07-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

My computer's been broken for the last week, so no blogging for me. But now it's fixed and I can go back to chronicling this miracle that is pregnancy.

I'm being sarcastic, but only partially.

Today, Mike and I went to the mall (I wanted to get a pair of "fancy" Crocs so that I'd have some comfortable non-flip flops to wear at work and other non-flip flop-appropriate occasions). It's warm out, but not incredibly hot. While we were wandering around, I started feeling very, very wet "down there." I hadn't had any cramping and I figured it was probably just sweat and normal discharge, but it definitely freaked me out. "What if it's blood? What if I'm losing the baby? What if something is wrong?" All that went through my mind. I delicately explained my situation to Mike and we hustled to the ladies lounge at Nordstrom, where I lifted my dress to find... sweat and normal discharge. Phew!

The whole thing was still scary, though. I just want this baby to be healthy and to keep it in me until the appropriate time!

Goodnight, moon

2009-06-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

It's been five days and I still seem to be pregnant (based on the morning sickness I have had for the last few days). So that's good, and for the moment, I don't have to worry about being upset with our dog.

As I've mentioned, I'm starting to have some sleep issues. I have been drinking more water, so I usually get up to pee in the middle of the night. In the middle of the night, lately, I've gotten really hot-- so hot I drip sweat-- and that wakes me up. I also toss and turn all night (from side to side) so I can try to find a comfortable sleeping position. And our dog has been sleeping in our bed lately and once he's asleep, he doesn't like to move much, so I often find myself trapped in a small corner of the bed. To top it all off, my lovely husband loves to spoon and snuggle. All the things I described above make me not fun to spoon or snuggle, and it makes it not fun for me to do so, either. I have been having fantasies lately of sleeping on the couch or on the guest bed, but Mike would be hurt by that and I don't want to hurt him, so I just try to suck it up.

Well, last night Mike and I got into a fight. It was small and it was over something stupid, but somehow it turned into me going to bed in our bed and him sleeping on the couch. I woke up at 3 a.m. and realized it was just me and the dog in bed. I felt guilty for a moment and thought, "I should go get Mike, tell him to come to bed." Then I thought, "Fuck that! This is my chance to spread out!" And so I did, and in the process had the best night's sleep I've had in weeks.

I'm not saying I'm going to start picking fights with Mike just so I can get sleep, but... if I get really desperate, at least now I have the option!

Worrisome Moment

2009-06-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, I was laying on the ground and our dog jumped onto my belly. He is a rambunctious little pup, about 20-22 pounds, and of course he didn't do it to purposely hurt me and Poppy. Nonetheless, I was really freaked out. I immediately googled "dog jumped on pregnant belly" and found a whole bunch of other posts, which were generally reassuring. People said it had happened to them and that they were fine, and that the baby is surrounded by a lot of fluid, and that as long as there wasn't any cramping or bleeding, it should be fine, but of course to check with a doctor if you're still really freaked out. I laid down and rested for a few hours and have felt fine since, but it still was a really scary moment. My next doctor's appointment is on July 6 and I'm hoping I'll get in there and everything will be fine. If it's not fine, I know I'll think back to the dog jumping on me and I'll spend the rest of my life thinking about the pounce that cost me my baby. Oy.

Flight 187

2009-06-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I kissed a sleeping Mike goodbye and got ready to leave for work, he murmured, "sometimes I feel like I'm sleeping in an airport." That was a reference to the fact that I got up twice in the middle of the night to pee and once to shoo away the 2 cats having loud sex directly outside our bedroom window. The only reason the cats bothered me is that I was awake (because I was having trouble sleeping) and the noise made it impossible for me to fall back asleep.

When he said that, I wanted to kill him. But I didn't. I thought mean thoughts to myself ("You did this to me, fucker!") and left. I mentioned to him a couple of hours ago that I wanted to talk to him about it and we had a little chat.

I explained that I am really uncomfortable. That I have a hard time finding a position that is restful. That I have hot flashes and sweat like a pig in the middle of the night. That there's pressure on my bladder and that I have to get up frequently to pee. That when he wants to snuggle and insists I sleep a certain way so he can spoon me or I can spoon him, I end up getting cricks in my neck or my limbs fall asleep. To summarize, I explained, if he's having a hard time sleeping because I'm tossing and turning, IMAGINE HOW I FEEL!

He totally got it and apologized. He said "it's a nice airport," which lightened the mood a bit. I think he'll think twice before making a comment like that again, even if he thinks it, and that's good enough for me.

Belly

2009-06-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

I am starting to get wider, as I've mentioned, and I'm starting to get a little bit of a belly. Since I'm relatively early in the process, I tend to think, though, that it's my intestines and bowels being shifted around by my growing uterus, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, I'm having a really hard time finding clothes to wear to work!

None of my pants close around my waist, but that's what belly bands are for. I'm having more difficulty on top. None of my button up shirts go around me anymore. None of my tanktops are big enough, and they're all on the shorter side, so they ride up and expose my stomach. Today I needed to look nice for work and I picked out a wrap dress that I thought would accommodate me, but when I put it on this morning, it looked really stupid. Too small. I tried on a few other things and none of them fit, so I ended up going with my only sheath dress that still fits (but only barely) and a loose cardigan on top.

On my way home today, I stopped at the Motherhood Maternity outlet to see if I could find a few pieces that would get me through this awkward stage. Once I tell my work, I will feel better about wearing maternity clothes (e.g., smocky, empire waisted tops and rotating through only a few pairs of pants), but at this point, since I haven't told them, I'm trying to keep my wardrobe as close to my normal clothes as possible. Plus I'm conscious of that fact that I'm only going to get bigger and I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff that's just going to be too small in a week or two (although I think that's probably part of the process of being pregnant and wearing clothes).

I ended up getting 2 sweaters-- an oatmeal-colored short-sleeved cardigan and an open sort of duster in a pretty teal color-- a button up shirt that has room in it for my boobs and belly, and three pair of capri pants with elastic waistbands. I got a brown pair, a black pair, and a white pair, and my plan is to wear those all summer. I also got a pair of gray pants that have an elastic band. All that for $150, which doesn't seem too bad to me considering I tried to buy things in sizes such that I'd be able to wear them for a while (for example, I bought large pants, not medium).

I also saw a denim skirt that I liked, but it was $35 and I couldn't bring myself to spend the extra money.

I'm so excited to be able to get up tomorrow morning and put on my clothes and not be uncomfortable or worry about a wardrobe malfunction!

Principle of the Matter

2009-06-17T12:34:00.001-07:00

My midwife at Kaiser has referred me to an OB because my blood pressure is high. It's a precaution, and it may only be occasional (I may still have some appointments with the midwife), but I'm happy that I'll actually be seeing a doctor. She asked if I had a regular gynecologist, which was hilarious, because, hello! I am a Kaiser patient, of course I don't! They try to keep patients away from (expensive) doctors! So she said she'd assign me to an OB and asked if I had a gender preference.

From what I've read and heard, there is a real shortage of males OBGYNs. Lots of women prefer to see women OBGYNs and men have sort of been pushed out of the specialty. That bothers me, because it smacks of gender discrimination. I can understand it-- wanting someone with smaller hands, which tends to make people think women, or feeling more comfortable with having someone of your same gender-- but I still don't like it. So when she asked, I wanted to say "I want a man!" Then I started thinking, though, "isn't it gender discrimination to pick a man BECAUSE he's a man?" Ha.

So in the end, I said I didn't care. I ended up with a woman OB, who I will see for the first time on July 6.

Finally, excitement

2009-06-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

Now that I've been feeling better for the last few days (with a few exceptions, such as my dry heaving last night and my headache today), I am finally getting excited about this baby. When I was driving to work yesterday, this warm feeling came over me and I put my hand on my belly and thought, "Wow! How cool is it that there's a little person in there?!?" I'm happy to finally be happy. It felt like a long time coming, which made me feel a little guilty.

Spreading hips

2009-06-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm an hourglass in that I'm bigger on top and bottom than in the middle, but in terms of proportion, I'm built almost like an inverted triangle, with broad shoulders and hips that are smaller than my bust measurement.

This morning Mike said to me, "I notice your hips are getting wider. You're like a baby chute!"

I don't mind that my hips are getting wider, but I think I would if I were pear shaped. Is that bad of me?

Feeling good

2009-06-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

I felt a lot better today than I have in ages. I woke up this morning and didn't want to puke immediately, and I wasn't exhausted even after sleeping more than 9 hours. I was in such a good mood that Mike noticed and asked about it. I explained to him that I didn't feel like crap and that it was a nice change.

I felt mostly okay throughout the day, except for a few times when my stomach got too empty and I got choked up. Sometimes every breath I take feels like I'm on the verge of vomiting and it makes even talking difficult. I noticed it happens when I'm on the phone for a long time, but I'm not sure what that's about.

In front of a studio audience

2009-06-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

I came up with a good analogy today as I was dressing for work. Each morning, I have a more and more difficult time getting ready, as my clothes get smaller and smaller. I've been wearing my belly band to make up for my pants not closing anymore, but my shirts are getting small, too, so it's hard to find things that 1) go around my top half and 2) don't cling too closely to my belly. Anyway... so it dawned on me this morning that I feel like a pregnant actress on a sitcom that has decided not to incorporate the pregnancy into the storyline. Like what they did with the Daphne character on friends. In the show, they gave her a huge appetite and made all these jokes about her binging all the time. I feel like that when I go to work! Like I'm getting bigger and bigger and no one is supposed to notice, or like my coworkers are supposed to think that I'm just getting fat. Not that it matters, really; who cares why my colleagues think I'm getting bigger? But it's like a comedy that only I am privy to. Me and the studio audience, that is.

Swamp mouth

2009-06-03T19:10:00.000-07:00

I think the nasty taste in my mouth is God's way of telling me not to eat sugar. I notice it's worst after I eat something sweet, and then it tends to linger. Maybe it's an ant-gestational diabetes thing. Or maybe it's just something gross I have to deal with for the next few months!

January 9, 2010

2009-06-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

The doctor's appointment went well yesterday. I was weighed, we went over my health questionnaire. The nurse midwife I was on track to see (lovely Kaiser) suggested I see a doctor for my next appointment because of my blood pressure, which is high. Depending on how that goes, I may continue to see him/her (how sad is it that I don't know who I'll be seeing, or their gender?), or I may go back to the nurse midwife.

We did a sonogram to date the pregnancy. As of yesterday, I was 8 weeks and 2 days along! The baby looks healthy, the heartbeat was visible (though I couldn't see it because I didn't have my glasses on), we're on track.

I wish I was further along, though, so my stupid morning sickness and fatigue would go away. I had been thinking I was about 10 weeks along, hoping for 11, but telling myself to be happy with 8 so I wouldn't be disappointed if that was the case. As it turns out, that is the case, and I'm dealing with it okay. I spent all day feeling pukey, like I was on the verge of throwing up every few minutes, but I guess that's just additional proof that the bun in my oven is baking.

I will say, it was cool to see the baby inside of me. I didn't know what to expect, in terms of how I would feel about it, but I definitely felt a little wave of pride and happiness. Mike did, too.

I have to go back in 5 more weeks, plus go in for some blood work in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, we continue to read our books and look at baby gear (we've been hot on the trail of cribs lately). I also still have to tell my dad the news, but I'm hoping to do that this weekend. So lots of excitement to come!